Cast your mind back to the days when I'd pretend I was OK….  A heart that hurts is a heart that works.

Bright Lights – Placebo

I don't love you anymore because…

I don't love you anymore because whenever we fight you turn it around until it is my fault.  You always bring it back to something I said in the “wrong way” and how you feel.  It's always my fault.  You never say sorry.

I don't love you anymore because I don't feel like you love me.  I feel like you settled and I settled and it was easy.

I don't love you anymore because you never touch me the way I need to be touched – like the way I need to touch you.  There's no passion behind it.  It feels like something you force yourself to do.  It feels like you're being restrained.

I don't love you anymore because you know I hate arguing but you always want to until I give in or your anger fizzles out.  Then we don't talk about the why - why it happened in the first place and how to stop it happening again.  It feels like you don't want to work at this relationship.

I don't love you anymore because you always bring the past up and I can't change the past.  Why do you think I can?  Or, do you just get off on reminding me how often I disappoint you?

I don't love you anymore because I don't think I can love.

I don't love you anymore because I am going to die and I cannot bear to make you watch that.  Powerless.  The only thing I can do… the only thing I have control over is this… us.  I can make it so that you do not have to watch.  I can make it so the pain is less for you.  I can make it so you won't feel a thing.  I can make it all stop. 

I cannot let you love me anymore because I won't put you through losing someone again.

I don't love you anymore because I don't think I ever loved you.  That word is overused and comes too easily.  It does not feel like enough – that word.  It never did.  Like “sorry”. 

I don't love you anymore because…

                He thought he would have time to prepare before he spoke to Kurt – he had spent most of his waking thoughts turning possible conversations through his mind and fracturing himself as he tried to keep the magnitude of what he was going to do hidden from his heart.  He thought he would have a chance to be the one to initiate contact – he had no intention of mentioning his present location.  The plan was that he would call Kurt and he would break up with him and Kurt would never have to know that Blaine was dying, so Kurt would be safe.  He did not get the chance.

                ‘I am fifty shades of so done with you right now.'

Blaine opens his eyes slowly, certain that he has somehow hallucinated that sweet voice – that somehow he brought Kurt with him from his dreams.  But that does not explain the tone of his boyfriend's voice or how clear it rings piercing through the fog of his pain-numbed and sleep-addled mind.

                ‘Kurt?'

                ‘What the hell, Blaine?  When were you planning on telling me that you're in hospital?!'

Kurt is shouting now, seemingly uncaring of the fact that, though the privacy curtain is drawn, they are still on a ward with terminally ill people.  Blaine blinks slowly as Kurt snaps clearly into focus and flinches at the volume.  He raises a hand, wincing as the needle of his drip pulls beneath the skin, and tries to gesture for Kurt to quiet down.

                ‘Don't you dare try to hush me!  I cannot believe you would keep something like this from me, Blaine.  I thought we were past this kind of thing!  You promised me.  When you left France you promised that you would keep me in the loop of your inner turmoil.  What do you think it was like for me to find out third-hand that you were in the hospital and had been for two weeks, Blaine?  Two weeks.  I spoke to you last week!  Did it slip your mind?'

                ‘Third-hand?'  As soon as the words leave his mouth he knows completely and utterly that he will lose this argument.  He lost the second he let Kurt back into his life when he bumped into him on the steps in London.  No, actually, it was before then – on the staircase at Dalton. 

Kurt's face is a mask – all trace of the flush of his anger dissipated with those words.  Blaine shrinks back subconsciously.  He shivers.

                ‘Yes, Blaine.  Third-hand.  I found out from Thom – he called me to find out what was wrong because he had heard from a friend in the orchestra who had heard from Jo that you had been taken sick and were in the hospital.  It was like hearing my Dad tell me he had cancer again, Blaine.  It was like finding out that my mom had passed away.  What in the hell were you thinking?'  Kurt just looks at him and Blaine has no words.  His plans and excuses evaporated the second he heard Kurt's voice – the second he saw the fear, anger, hurt, pain, concern, love in Kurt's eyes.  Kurt raises a pale hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.  He takes a breath, then another.  He looks up and meets Blaine's eyes.  ‘I know I'm your emergency contact.  Why didn't you let them call me?'

                ‘I…I guess I didn't want to worry you.  I thought I just had a bug or something then they started doing all these tests and…'

                ‘Oh, honey.'  Kurt hugs him hard and Blaine feels a knot he did not realise was there shatter.  He struggles to breathe as he lets go and sobs, his tears running in rivulets down his cheeks then merging with Kurt's into torrential rivers.  ‘I would have come home, honey.  I would have been with you in a couple of hours if you'd only let me know.  I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that by yourself.'

                ‘But you hate hospitals, and I…  Look, Kurt. I can't put you through this – I can't be strong for both of us when I have to go through all of this again.  I can't do it.  I was barely strong enough last time and I only had to be strong for me.  I wanted to protect you.'

                ‘Protect me?  What from?  Loving you?  Being there for you?  We are in this together, Blaine.  I thought that's what we agreed?  You never have to go through anything alone, ever again.  We're a team – you and I.  Remember?'

                ‘It's not the same, Kurt.  This isn't just a cold that I'll get over.'

                ‘What do you mean?  All I could get out of the nurses was that you'd had a really bad virus…' 

Blaine struggles to remember to breathe as he watches the realisation flicker across Kurt's features.  All he can do now is provide Kurt with facts to stop the worst case scenarios spiralling out of control around Kurt's mind.

                ‘It's a bleed, Kurt.'

Kurt's mouth forms a tight ‘o' and he withdraws from Blaine with a sharp intake of breath.  The words are weighty and Blaine knows they are echoing around in the gulf between them.  He knows he has to continue but he waits for Kurt's eyes to meet his again – he does not think he can say this twice and he needs to be sure Kurt is listening.

                ‘It's an unruptured aneurism.'  Kurt blinks at him.  ‘Um…that means that one of the arteries in my brain has weakened and the blood is kind of trapped there…like a balloon.'  His mouth feels like a ball of cotton wool but he forces himself to clear his throat and continue.  He owes Kurt that much.  ‘They…uh…they are worried it will rupture and it'll turn into a bleed - a bit like last time, and so they're going to use a treatment called endovascular coiling.  They'll take a coil and…'

Kurt goes so pale Blaine thinks he is about to faint.

                ‘Regardless…um…they think it'll work and I'll be fine.  Until the next bleed.'  The glare Kurt shoots him makes his bowels feel like ice.  ‘But – oh, the virus thing – the reason I ended up here in the first place.  Uh, that was glandular fever but a kind of localised one that attacked my liver and did not present like regular glandular fever.  The doctor said it was probably because I was not eating right and doing too much – it weakened my immune system.  So…yeah.  That's cleared up now.  I'll be a bit lethargic for a while but that's all gone…'

                ‘How long has this been going on for?'  Kurt's voice is so quiet Blaine is not entirely certain he actually spoke.

                ‘The virus?'

                ‘All of it.  Since when weren't you eating?  When did all this come on?  What were the symptoms?'

                ‘Ah.  Well it's a bit difficult to separate everything out.'

                ‘Try.'

                ‘When I came back I was OK for a bit – you know, work was great and it kept me busy but it's gotten to the stage where it is the same show every night and I swore I'd never be one of those actors, so…  Well…  When I got back to my place in the evening I was so keenly aware of how empty it was.  I started trying to distract myself – jogging, dance, boxing…  But it didn't make the ache go away and that's pathetic, right?  I filled all my time so I couldn't dwell and brood, but then I wasn't hungry or tired so I wasn't sleeping right and then I started getting these headaches and nosebleeds…'

Kurt's sharp intake of breath makes Blaine roll his eyes.

                ‘I know.  But I didn't want to admit that something could have been wrong.  So I carried on and then there was this pain in my side that kept getting worse and then I was all feverish…then I was here.'

They sit in silence.  Blaine feels Kurt's eyes sweep over him and Blaine cringes away from his scrutiny.  He knows how terrible he must look. 

                ‘I'll understand, you know.'  Blaine breaks the silence.

                ‘Understand what?'  Kurt quirks his eyebrow.

                ‘You don't need this, Kurt.  You've already been through so much and…'

                ‘You're right.  I don't need this.'  Kurt interrupts him and the part of Blaine that had begun to hope is forced back down beneath the waves of his darker thoughts.  Kurt's hand reaches for his and he runs his thumb over Blaine's knuckles softly.  ‘I don't need you to block me out and I don't need to find out from your ex that my boyfriend is in the hospital.  I don't need to come back to the UK to find you like this, Blaine.  I deserve better than that.'

Blaine feels a tear track its way down his cheek silently as he nods his agreement.

                ‘But don't you ever think for a second I would abandon you.  I made that mistake twice, Blaine – and I am so, so sorry.  This is my fault.  You were scared to open up to me because you were afraid I'd leave you.  You were afraid you would be interrupting me, or that I would see you as weak for needing to talk to me.  You were afraid I'd leave you again if you got sick.  God, Blaine.  I'm so sorry you could ever think that of me.  You are the single most important person in my life – and I know it has never been easy for us, but you have to understand that when I agreed to do this again with you I meant it.  Come hell or high water, Blaine, you are it for me.  I'd never leave you again, baby.' 

Blaine feels soft lips on his and he tastes the salt of his own tears mingled with Kurt's.  They hold each other, rocking gently, and alternating between hurried, desperate kisses and whispered ‘I love you's.  Eventually, Kurt pulls back and studies Blaine's face then makes to leave. 

                ‘Right, I'm going to go and grab a nurse we're going to sort out your paperwork as I'm your boyfriend and they are sorely mistaken if they think they can get away with telling me anything other than 100% of the truth when it comes to your medical care.  Next, I'm calling your Mom because your parents are already going to kill you when they find out you're in hospital and I'm not feeling very suicidal myself.  OK?'

                ‘Please don't, Kurt.'

                ‘Don't what?'

                ‘Call Mom.  It'll just really upset her and Dad and I don't want them getting on a plane and coming all the way over here.'

                ‘I'm not facing the wrath of your Mom over this, Blaine, and I am not giving your Dad any other reason to dislike me more than he already does.'

                ‘He doesn't dislike you!'

                ‘He doesn't exactly like me, either.  And, no changing the subject – Mr.!  Either I call your Mom or you do but it's happening.'

                ‘How about I call Coop?'

                ‘Fine.'  Kurt leans over and kissed Blaine's hair.  ‘I'm going to go find that nurse and I'll get one of those prepay phone card things while I'm gone.  OK?'  Blaine gives what he hopes resembles a smile but Kurt frowns in response.  ‘I'm going to be right back.  I promise.'  Blaine nods slowly but Kurt makes no move to go.

                ‘OK.'  Blaine forces the word out and with it a smile – or the best approximation he can manage.  Kurt nods slightly and then makes his way into the corridor in search of the nurses' station. 

                His head is buzzing.  He tries not to panic.

                He will come back.  He has not left.  He was here.  He will come back.  He has not left.  He was here.  He will come back…

I love you.  I love you.  I love you.