Just let me hold you while youre falling apart.  Just let me hold you and well both fall down

Ever the Same – Rob Thomas

She's not been sleeping well.  She doesn't know whether it is because of the anti-depressants, or going to bed too late, or in the wrong position, or because her husband comes to bed too late.  She doesn't know why but she always awakens tired.

Her dreams are not as vivid as they once were but they tend to follow on from her pre-sleep escapism more than they used to.  She feels less in control of them now though.  Maybe that's why she is so tired when she wakes? 

She wakes at 4:45am every morning.  Her alarm does not go off until 5:50am.  There's no explanation for that either.

She is frustrated with her manager – he didn't take her mid-term review seriously.  He hadn't even read her self-assessment before he showed up, then proceeded to explain exactly why no matter how well she was doing he would only score her as average throughout her graduate placement.  Basically he's playing the bell-curve game.  While she accepts that – she does not find it to be fair.  How is she supposed to know what she is doing well or needs to improve?  What happens when she is no longer a graduate and the reviews directly affect her pay?  She has more experience and does more and takes more responsibility than the other grads she knows.  She is scored lower than them.  It frustrates and angers her.

She finally started to fit in her placement department and managed to fix one of their coding problems when it was time to move to her second.  She's already enjoying it more in her new team.  They are generally friendly and, though the office is older, it feels less like a call centre than the new office did.  This office is more spread out and green not grey.  There are plants and shades of green – the walls are pale green and the desk division boards are dark green and the carpet tiles are stained, but were once grey with green flecks.  The room feels like it is in the bottom of a pond. 

She has a proper project this time.  One she can sink her teeth into and already has though this is technically only her second day.  She wants to prove herself.  Build up the case that she is better than average.  She doesn't have her own desk assigned this time though.  She's camping at someone else's and has no idea where she'll go when they return. 

Her new car was delivered over the bank holiday finally.  She was inexplicably sad when she dropped her old companion, Bertha, off at her new owner's.  She feels like she betrayed an old friend.  Oli is new and slightly confusing but she feels good.  She will have to see how they bond. 

Presently she feels as if she is drowning in time - a mere inch of it in a giant tub with greased sides.  There is so little of it and so many demands on it and she has no control.  So many people - friends, family, work - all demanding of her and she has not got enough to give.  It keeps draining away yet somehow she is still drowning...  She recalls a dream she had when she was younger.  She was in the changing rooms of the local swimming pool when she discovered she could swim through the heavy chlorinated air.  She started to swim towards the ceiling holding her breath.  She reached the ceiling then kicked off to swim back towards the air at the floor.  She didnt make it and woke struggling to breathe. 

Some days she is sure.  Sure of who she is and what she wants.  Others she is a shadow and lets him be.  Those days make time go more quickly.  Those days feel fulfilling in a way her days often fail to achieve. 

Someone is humming tunelessly - she looks over and sees the culprit, headphones in, oblivious to the unconscious noise they are producing.  She turns back and puts her own headphones in to block the piercing noise, to drown the growing background babble as others come in.  Staggered starting times.  Flexible.