Sit back relax, relapse again

Camisado – Panic! At the Disco

            The waiting room was apple green and certainly was not calming.  Blaine's mind was whirring.  Occasionally he'd ask Kurt a question and Kurt would give him the answer then Blaine would go quiet and process the answer he had received.  This had been going on from the moment they slipped out the back of the club to hail a cab.  Blaine was genuinely scared - he felt like he was going mad.  He fisted his hands in his hair and dropped his head.  Kurt put a reassuring hand on his knee and ran his thumb back and forth over the rough material of Blaine's jeans.  Blaine felt like he was boiling but Kurt had insisted on the hoodie and the non-descript sunglasses. 

            ‘The last thing you want right now is for the paparazzi to follow us to the psych ward, Blaine.  Plus I think Justin and Claire would actually kill me…'  He'd frowned in response to Blaine's questioning look.  ‘They're your press team…' 

            ‘Oh.  OK.'

Kurt had never looked so concerned.  He'd started mothering Blaine and treating him like he'd hit his head and may die any moment.  Blaine had only seen Kurt act this way when he had been concerned for his father after his heart attack and then his cancer diagnosis.  It felt so weird but he didn't say anything, understanding that it was Kurt's coping mechanism.  Hell, one of them had to be coping.

            ‘Mr. Morgan?'  The nurse popped her head around the door and Blaine was surprised when Kurt stood and ushered him towards the door.

            ‘Incognito, Blaine.'  Kurt mumbled under his breath.

As it turned out Kurt did most of the talking.  Confidently answering every question the doctor threw their way.  As the person with the most contact with Blaine it only made sense.

No, Blaine didn't seem noticeably different between episodes.

No, he had been fine when they'd been at school.

No, he's never done drugs of any kind – he couldn't even take cough syrup without it affecting him so he'd never been inclined to try anything harder.

No, he's not left the country or been to South America or Africa or any rainforests.

No, there didn't appear to be a trigger.

No, the time between episodes was not consistent – this last one had been the longest between-time though.

No, Blaine was never violent.

Yes, Blaine had a history of Depression.

No, he'd not hit his head.

Yes, he seemed to function completely normally between episodes – recognising people and recalling events with clarity.

No, he'd not had unprotected sex with someone who may be HIV+ or have any other STI – he'd been tested for everything.

Yes, he'd had a full blood screen after the attack a couple of months back.  Everything was clear.

Yes, he'd had some insomnia and some panic attacks reminiscent of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but that seemed to have abated as his voice had recovered.

Yes, their sex-life and relationship in general was actually excellent.  They rarely argued about anything and things were going really well.

No, his family were being really supportive and he'd not argued with any of them recently.  Even Blaine's father seemed to be genuinely proud of his success.

Blaine let Kurt field the questions and zoned out – he tried to recall the first time he had consciously ‘lost' time.  It had happened so gradually – a lost couple of minutes, a lost hour – that he had not through anything of it.  But this last time had been months.  Months that he had absolutely no recollection of.  At least before the ‘memories' had filled in the gaps and he'd been able to piece things together.  He was genuinely scared.  How long did he have before he lost time again?  Would it be years next time?  What did that mean for his relationships?  How could the people he loved not notice when he wasn't himself?  How was he functioning without being ‘there'?  If it was not easy to tell ‘them' apart what did that mean?  Who was he?  When he had an ‘episode' who was Blaine?

 Kurt nudged his shoulder.

                ‘Blaine!'

                ‘Oh!  Sorry.  I was thinking.'

                ‘Mr. Anderson – as I was just saying to your partner – I'd like to do some tests.  First could you tell me a couple of things, and please, don't be embarrassed or think it is silly or anything because I need to know, OK?'

Blaine nodded and grimaced internally.  He hated it when people said not to be embarrassed – it was always followed by something embarrassing.

                ‘OK.  When did you first notice a time skip?'

                ‘I think it first happened around the time Kurt and I broke up…  I just put it down to not sleeping enough.  I was exhausted.'

                ‘Do you remember much about it?'

                ‘Um…no.  It was just like…uh…when you're thinking hard about something….like when you're driving and you're on autopilot and then you realise you don't recall driving the last few miles.  A bit like that, but without the conscious thought.  One minute Biology class had just started, and then the bell signalled its end.  I'd somehow zoned out for the whole class…like microsleep but with no dreams.  No one noticed.'

                ‘How often did it happen?'

                ‘I'm not sure.  I only noticed really when the gaps grew longer.  But most of the time the in between time would fill in after a couple of minutes.  After the initial disorientation.'

                ‘What makes this last time different?'

                ‘Um…I still can't remember anything that happened in the time I was absent.  Also, I think it's the longest time jump so far.  Before this I think it was a couple of weeks.'

                ‘Have you ever experienced any hallucinations?  Seen things that weren't there?  Flashing lights?  Headaches?'

Blaine went quiet and nodded.

                ‘Could you describe them for me?'

                ‘Sometimes…'  He could feel Kurt's eyes on him but he pushed through.  ‘Sometimes, there are people that I know aren't really there – they're in my peripheral vision and they disappear when I look directly at them.'

                ‘What do they look like?  Could you describe what they are doing?'

                ‘They're usually suited – working on computers in a large office.'

                ‘When do you see them?  Can you see them now?'

                ‘Not right now…no.  It usually happens when I'm on my own, or am really tired.'

The doctor wrote something down in her notes.  He stared at his knees, avoiding Kurt.

                I'm probably going mad.  Kurt must think I'm a total basket case.  A mentally unstable freak.

                ‘What about headaches, or flashing lights?'

                ‘Some headaches.'

                ‘Other than the office people, do you ever see anything else?'

                ‘Sometimes it's like I'm in a dream and I'm somebody else, somewhere else.'  He saw Kurt tense in the corner of his vision.  ‘When I'm there I'm always alone, but if I see people – or the cats that live there – I know their names and I know things about them.  And if I lie down and I find somewhere quiet, sometimes I can go back to being me again.'

The doctor frowned and started writing again.  Blaine dropped his head into his hands.

                ‘How often does something like this happen?'

                ‘Sometimes it's between the time jumps.  Sometimes there's nothing – one moment I'm there, the next I'm somewhere else, desperately trying to catch up.'

The doctor nodded slightly.

                ‘OK.  Mr. Anderson – I'm going to book you in for some tests.  I want to do an MRI to see what's going on in there, and I'd like to do a sleep study.  I'd also like to explore these events where you are someone else in some more detail.'  Kurt hadn't said a word or moved.  Blaine frowned.  ‘Who should I talk to about your schedule?'

Blain shrugged.

                ‘Last I knew I had a pretty free schedule…'

                ‘Judi.  It's best to call Judi.  She's his manager and handles his scheduling.'  Kurt interrupted him.  ‘Blaine, could you wait outside for a minute?  I need to talk to the doctor?'

Blaine didn't even have the energy to argue.  He walked out and waited in the corridor – his head was spinning.  He looked up when the door opened and Kurt came out.  He looked tired and was clutching a piece of paper.  Neither said anything until they got back to their apartment, until after they'd eaten.  Blaine was washing up when Kurt broke the silence.

                ‘Why didn't you tell me, Blaine?'

                ‘About what?'

                ‘Any of this?  How long it had been going on for?  When it started happening?  The fact you see people that aren't there?!  Any of it!'

Blaine didn't answer.  He hadn't wanted to worry anyone.  It hadn't been too bad while he could hide it – while he thought it was due to sleep deprivation.  When it had just been him in New York it hadn't mattered.  Things were different now – he had Kurt.  Or at least he had…

                ‘I don't know what you want me to tell you, Kurt.  It's not exactly easy to tell someone that you see people and loose time and become someone else somewhere else where you know other people and have this whole other life.'

                ‘I'm not just someone, Blaine.'

                ‘That's not what I meant.  It's just… I feel like I'm losing my mind, Kurt, and I'm terrified.'            

                ‘Then talk to me.  We are a team, Blaine.  You and me.  I can't help if you don't talk to me.'  Kurt gently turned Blaine to face him.  ‘I can't lose you again, not like this.'

                ‘I just feel like, if no one notices when I'm not me then what's the point?  Who am I?  Maybe it's better when I'm not me.  I seem to do better when I'm not me…'

                ‘Shhhh…'  Kurt embraced Blaine, trying to stop his meltdown.  ‘We'll sort this out.  I promise.  We will.  I love you so much.'

                ‘How?  How can you, Kurt?  Who do you love?  I don't even know who I am – how can you?'

                ‘You are the kind, dapper dork I met on a stairway in a school I didn't go to.  You are the strong, sexy guy who sang to me and told me to have courage.  You are the lost, insecure school boy who transferred schools to be closer to me.  You are the brave, courageous guy who took a rock-salt slushie to the eye for me, and the man who saved me from being beaten in an alleyway, or worse.  You are the gentleman who never fails to surprise me.  But most of all…you are the love of my life and my best friend, Blaine.'  Kurt was crying.  Blaine was crying.

                ‘You can't even tell when I'm not me, Kurt…'

                ‘I didn't even know what you were going through!  You look like you!  You dress like you!  You sound like you!'

                ‘I need to think…  I'm going to bed.  See you in the morning, maybe…if I'm still me I mean.' 

                ‘Blaine!'

His mind was whirring and his head was pounding and he could barely breathe.

                ‘I'm…I'm sorry, Kurt.  It's just…a lot to deal with right now.  I don't even know how we got back together or even if that's what this is.  I don't know anything anymore…'

                ‘How can I help?  Tell me what I can do to help.'

                ‘Fill me in on what happened?'

                ‘OK.'