It is like waking up - slow and hazy, but the thoughts that do break their way to the surface are strong and loud.  The weight of him is a comfort he does not deserve.  The last day is blurred - the edges are unclear and he feels heavy because of it.

‘Youve seen the worst of me.

‘Yes.

The reply is so quiet he is not certain he heard it.

 ‘Im so sorry, Kurt.

‘Its not your fault, baby.

The hand running through his hair is soothing and Blaine lets himself feel.

                ‘Everyone keeps saying that, but the more they say it the more it feels like it is my fault.

                ‘Its not.  You cant help it, baby.  We just want to help you.

He feels a hot wetness hit his cheek and he knows Kurt is crying.  His own eyes prick in response and he clings tighter.

                ‘Youre my last hope.

                ‘Honey...you dont need a friend right now - you need to listen to the doctor.

                ‘I love you, Kurt.  I know...I think I...I say things I dont mean.

                ‘You do mean them - at the time.  But its not you.  I know its not you.  This is you.  Right now.  This is you.  Blaine?

He shifts slightly so he can meet Kurts eyes - pale and red-rimmed.

                ‘Blaine, please take the meds.  I know it is scary, but Im scared too.  I cant lose you.  Not after everything.  And Im terrified.  I feel like youre slipping away somewhere.

                ‘Im so sorry.

He reaches up and kisses him then - trying to communicate everything he is feeling but cannot find words for.  Eventually they come up for air, their foreheads resting against each others.

                ‘I would do anything for you.

                ‘Please take the meds.

He nods.

-+-

                He has come to associate the smell of leather with anger and frustration.  Kurt is always next to him so he tries to talk to Kurt instead of to the woman.  He wishes she would put the damn pen down for five minutes.  He feels like he is being studied.

                You are.

                ‘Blaine?

He voice grates against him.

                ‘Sorry?

                ‘I asked you what you gave your friends to make them so supportive?  You said you have friends...

He ignores her and turns to Kurt.

                ‘Ive always loved you.  Even when I hated you.

                ‘I know, baby.  I have always loved you too.  Youre doing so well - come on, try to talk to her, OK?  Shes here to help you.

It takes everything he has not to snap at Kurt.  He bites his tongue and nods then forces himself to face her.

                ‘My friends?  You want to know about my friends?

                ‘Do you want to talk about your friends, Blaine?

                ‘No.

She scribbles.

                ‘OK.  Could you tell me how you see yourself, then?  What are you like, Blaine?

                ‘What am I like?  Just like my father.

He misses Kurts frown.

                ‘Would your friends agree?

                ‘The only thing thats permanent is destruction - we are all going to disappear.  Im only trying to leave a mark that is more permanent than myself.

                ‘Your friends are that mark?

                ‘They echo me.

She scribbles.

He stands.

                ‘I cant stand your fucking scribbling.  I bet youre scribbling when your husband fucks you, arent you?

                ‘Blaine!

Kurt grabs his hand and it is an anchor.  He sits.

                ‘Im sorry.      

                ‘Its not your fault.

                ‘Everyone keeps saying that!

                ‘Because it isnt.

She puts her pen down.

                ‘Perhaps I could record our sessions instead?  Would that be better, Blaine?

He looks to Kurt - the moon is shining in them and Blaine longs to see them sparkle again.  He nods for Kurt.  Always for Kurt.

-+-

                The drugs make the darkness worse - he feels like there are ants and fleas and spiders crawling over, under, through his skin and he scratches, scratches, scratches until they bleed.  Kurt holds him tight to try to stop him damaging himself, but he is strong.  Kurt turns the light on and shows him that there is nothing there.  Blaine sobs uncontrollably into Kurts nightshirt and Kurt just holds him, holds him, holds him.

-+-

                The first thing that stops is the voice.  One day it simply is no longer there.  The darkness persists however, but those voices come from inside so he finds it easier to ignore them.  Most of the time.

He knows Kurt cannot stay with him - he should have gone back weeks ago, but a part of him, a selfish part of him, never wants to let go.

Kurt is never far from his side - much to Blaines parents relief.  He knows that without Kurt, he would probably have killed himself by now.  He will never tell anyone, but he knew exactly how he would do it.  He had spent hours in discussions with the voice about the hows and whens.  He knows now that it was just a symptom - but he remembers so clearly the despair, the confusion, and the pain.  He misses it - not the agony, but the clarity of thoughts and feelings.  The medications numb his mind.  They numb his feelings.  It is like living behind gauze - but it seems to make Kurt happy so he perseveres.  He can sacrifice feeling for Kurt.

-+-

                Each month is an improvement - Kurt went back to New York, of course, but he makes sure they Skype together almost every night.  It took a long time for Kurt to trust Blaine to take his medication by himself.  It was not that Blaine forgot, but sometimes the darkness distracted him, or convinced him that they were poison.

He knows he will never feel normal.  He does not really remember what normal felt like - so he does not miss that.  But he does miss "happiness".  He thinks he feels it - but he is not sure.  He is not completely sure of anything these days but he is learning to get on with his life.  He yearns for clarity though - to feel an extreme of some emotion.  He gets glimpses during his dreams or amidst the passionate throws of sex - he feels alive then; wanted and secure.  Entwined in a cage of slippery limbs and love.

Of course the bullying starts - never confrontational - they are all a little scared of him due to misunderstandings and myths surrounding his condition; they think he may go "nuts" on them or something.  No, it is passive - whispers, rumours...  He can never be completely certain what is true and what is in his head.  So he chooses to ignore it.  His friends defend his honour well enough without him.

 -+-

                ‘How are you feeling today, Blaine?

                ‘Scale of 1-10?  About 6.

She nods.

                ‘Why do you think that is?

He almost replies sarcastically - he cannot remember what 10 feels like; sometimes it feels like 10 is for other people.  He does not deserve a 10.  He stops himself and takes a breath.  He gathers the fragments of his thoughts and looks at them critically.

                ‘I guess... Im struggling today.  I didnt sleep well last night.

                ‘Tiredness always makes it harder.

He nods.

                ‘I can prescribe you something to help you sleep.  Would that help, Blaine?

                ‘I hate taking what Im already on.

                ‘I know.  Does it feel like it is helping though?

                ‘Yes.

He does not hesitate even though he is not certain - he is not certain about anything - he can see the difference in the way his friends look at him.  In the way his family look at him.  In Kurt.  He sees himself reflected in them.  He sees what they see - he sees the concern fading from their features.  He sees how much better it makes them feel.

But it is not easy.  It is never easy.

-+-

                The first drug he had been put on was Sertraline (50mg) - his insomnia had steadily worsened, but in general he felt a lot better after taking it for a couple of weeks (after the original night terrors).  It was Sam that voiced his concern though as Blaine lost over 17kgs whilst taking the drug - even Kurt had noticed Blaines clothes hanging lose over Skype.  So his medication had been changed to Zolpiclone (7.5mg).  He slept like the dead and actually started to feel a little more positive until he developed a rash which resulted in his medication being switched to Melleril (50mg).  Mellerill seemed to have little effect on him though, and Blaine started to feel disillusioned with drugs in general.  He felt like an experiment and, upon voicing his displeasure, loudly, was switched onto Lofepramine (70mg, then 140mg, then 210mg).  He gained back 12 of the lost 17kgs whilst on Lofepramine, however, he suffered noticeable short term memory loss and a return of the darkness so he was given Citalopram (20mg) to take with the Lofepramine.  The resulting morning tremors resulted in scaring Blaine so badly that he stopped taking both medications.  The withdrawal symptoms were noticed by all of his friends as well as his parents - it is difficult to mask dizziness and confusion, especially when one keeps falling over, fainting and walking out in front of cars...

A long talk with Kurt after Sam almost had a heart attack when he only just managed to save Blaine from becoming a bloody smear on the front of a school bus, resulted in Blaine coming clean about his disillusionment with medicine.  He was terrified of the side-effects, but Kurt managed to convince him that they just had not yet found the right one for Blaine.  He promised to keep trying.

Fluoxetine hydrochloride, trade name Prozac (20mg, then 40mg), made things a lot worse - his insomnia came back with a vengeance and he lost another 14kgs.  This time, however, he gained a couple of things: severe anxiety (frequent attacks with no obvious trigger that often left him shaking so badly he had to lie down), and an inability to reach orgasm which ultimately resulted in a sudden rush of homicidal thoughts towards drug manufacturers and his doctor.  He found himself too embarrassed to talk to Kurt (or anyone) about the side effects, but his doctor saw the not so subtle changes in Blaines mood and took him off the drug replacing it with Thorazine (100mg).

Thorazine helped him sleep - he felt calmer and more in control again, and gradually his mood started to improve.  However, the addition of Venlafaxine (75mg, then 150mg, then 225mg) to the mix did little to help - instead reintroducing Blaine to the joys of dizziness, headaches and low blood pressure.

He was close to losing it when she took him off Venlafaxine and tried to put him on Seroxat.  He declined, as politely as he could, and she accused him of hypochondria when he tried to explain that "spasmodic blinking" and "severe memory loss" were things he could live very happily without.

So, while his friends were preparing for graduation, Blaine was going through hell.  He no longer felt in control of his own body - his weight had yo-yoed so quickly he barely had any clothes that he felt comfortable in, and he was avidly aware that on his small frame, the loss of weight did not look good.  Coupled with the drugs effect on both his libido and sexual performance he feel utterly unattractive and disgusting by the time Kurt came to visit next.

-+-

                His breakdown was inelegant - there was no gradual spiralling out of control, there was no screaming or crying or arguing.  He simply broke and could not move.  It had no obvious trigger that Blaine could see, other than months of continual ups-and-downs worsened by the side effects of a multitude of drugs and the apparent incompetence of  so-called "health professionals".  He stopped visiting his doctors.  He stopped leaving the house.  He stopped changing his clothes, or washing, or eating, or sleeping.  He simply stopped.

That was how Kurt came to find him for the second time.

Blaine could not even bring himself to feel ashamed.

                Kurt had forced him to shower and change assuring Blaine that it would help him feel better.  He had then made him take his medicines reiterating that "taking them was better than not taking them at all".  He had then dragged Blaine out for coffee, he had really no other idea what to do but he needed to get Blaine out of the house.

Blaine had resisted but Kurt had almost won out.

                Kurt always wins.

                ‘I cant, Kurt.  Please just let me be.

                ‘Be what, Blaine?

                ‘Strong.

                ‘And this is you being strong?

                ‘Yes.

                ‘Looks a lot like quitting.

The words sting.

                ‘You are so much better than this illness, Blaine.  Youre letting it win.  Youre doing so well and Im so proud of you, but you have to keep fighting.  You have to fight that bit harder.

                ‘Why?

                ‘Because I need you to.

                Kurt always wins.

-+-

                The fresh summer air does help.  The sunlight helps.  He feels a little more free, a little more able to breathe.  Kurt is warm by his side, and in that moment Blaine would do anything to erase the concern from his fiancés features.  He would do anything to erase the past months.  To go back to before.  But he cannot.

He takes the meds, he forces himself to eat three healthy square meals a day, he forces himself to get showered and dressed (even on days where he does not have to do anything).  Slowly, slowly, slowly he watches time tick onwards.

Kurt is enthusiastic - he waxes lyrical about when Blaine will finally join him in New York.  Blaine hesitates.  Being with Kurt is everything to him, but is it healthy - his dependence on his fiancé?

                No.

                Yes.

                No.

Blaine withdraws a little - not completely, just enough to give himself some space.  Some personal space.  He takes time to do thinks for himself - read that book he put off because he had to study and he always felt guilty reading books that were not related to his courses during term time, listen to that album he had bought and ignored back when things were not so good...  Little things.

The darkness is still there - on some level, it always has been - but he knows better now.  He understands it a little more.

Gradually, gradually, gradually he begins to become himself again.

Gradually, gradually, gradually he begins to like himself again.

Gradually.

-+-

                He holds off moving in with Kurt, Santana and Rachel until he is certain, absolutely 100% certain, that he is doing it for the right reasons.  When he explained to Kurt why he was waiting he had expected an argument, but instead, he only received support.  In hindsight he should have known that Kurt would support him.  Kurt had always supported him.

                Not that you give him reasons to.

He had moved in on a brilliantly sunny day - the girls had thoughtfully left the boys alone while Kurt helped Blaine unpack his life.  He had marvelled at the way his things nestled in next to, and among, Kurts things had made him feel.  It was just right.  It felt so perfect - homely.

                This is what home feels like.

It was not easy.  In no regard was it easy - switching doctors to one in New York was the first hurdle.  It was not that it was difficult to do - it was that Blaine and his first doctor did not get on.  The story was similar with the second, and third.  It was starting to get him down and it took Kurts questioning "are you sure it is actually about the doctors, Blaine?" to get him to actually think about what was going on with him.  He was scared.  Until the reality of having a doctor in New York had settled in he had managed to almost convince himself that he had left that part behind in Ohio.

                Kurt is always right.

Eventually, though, he learned to accept that part of himself.  It took accepting Santanas quips about mental health, and coming clean from the get-go with his peers in college, but he did it.  Hiding was no longer an option - hiding had never been an option.

But he is getting better.

There are slips and trips and falls and arguments that get downright nasty, but he is getting better.

He has friends.

                What do you offer...

He has friends and Kurt.

Always Kurt.