Finn moved out just two weeks before the start of the fall semester. He and Puck would be attending Edison Community College in Piqua, an hour long drive from Lima. Puck’s aunt had a rental home there that she would be letting them live in free of charge “as long as there is no property damage or illegal activities, Noah Andrew Puckerman!” and they had both received a good financial aid package so they were all set. I have to say I was touched when they asked me if I wanted to move with them, but I politely declined. I knew that I would be welcome there as would Jude, but college parties and half-naked girls were something Jude would experience in sixteen years or so, he didn’t need to experience them at the tender age of two.

Jude didn’t understand why I was crying as I watched Puck’s beat up Ford driving away with Finn and his things. His questioning eyes bore into mine and I did my best to smile.

“I’m just sad to see Uncle Finn go, but he’ll be back to visit us soon.” I dashed the tears from my eyes so that I could interpret Jude’s signs. His vocabulary was slightly above average for a child his age but his sentence structure was still choppy. His tiny hands still sometimes fumbled on new words that he’d seen me or Carole use but had yet to use himself, but I understood what he was trying to say.

‘Uncle Finn and Uncle Puck go to school?’

“That’s right, sweetie. They are going to college and I am very proud of both of them, but I am still a little sad that I won’t get to see them as often.”

 Jude’s little face was clouded with worry as he asked, ‘You go to school, Daddy?’

“Yes,” I replied. I was about to say more when he suddenly burst into tears. My first instinct was to pull him into my arms but before I could he turned and ran from me into the house. I followed slowly bewildered by his sudden outburst. He was normally an extremely happy boy.

I made my way into the living room to find Jude curled up in the arms of his grandpa, his panting sobs muffled slightly by the flannel shirt his face was currently buried in. Dad looked just as confused as I was about why his grandson was weeping.

“Jude, honey? What’s wrong?” I ran my fingers through his dark curls, but Jude flinched away from my touch. I pulled my hand back, hurt. What had I done to alienate my child?

“Kurt,” Dad said quietly. “How about you fix us all some milk and toast?” He looked at me pointedly, tilting his head towards the kitchen. I knew he was just trying to get me out of there before I broke down too. One crying kid at a time.

I nodded and went into the kitchen without another word. My vision was blurred from the tears that I refused to let fall and it was only my familiarity with the room that allowed me to make the snacks without breaking anything.

I could hear Dad talking softly to Jude in the living room. I’d always hated it when people would eavesdrop, it was one of my biggest pet-peeves, but my concern for my son overrode my own self-annoyance.

“Hey, buddy, do you wanna tell your old Grandpa what’s got you so upset?”

I couldn’t see them and I was afraid to poke my head out the doorway in case Jude was looking my way, so I didn’t know if he was answering my father or not. I shook my head, realizing that listening in like this was only going to get me half of the conversation and so moved back to the kitchen table. Dad would know how to handle his grandson and make him feel better. He was kind of great like that.

“Kurt, somebody wants to talk with you.” Dad’s voice pulled me from my own thoughts and I turned to see him standing in the doorway much like I had been earlier. Jude’s tear streaked face peeked from behind Dad’s jean clad leg. He wouldn’t meet my eyes and it just about broke my heart.

“Jude, did you want to talk to me, honey? Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Luckily my voice didn’t betray me and show the pain I was feeling. I waited patiently for him to speak to me.

He stared at the ground as he formed signs.

‘You go to school.’ It wasn’t a question. I waited a moment, then I realized he wasn’t going to say anything else until I responded.

“Yes, sweetie, I’m going to go to school. We talked about that. I showed you my books and everything.” I looked to Dad to try and understand what the problem was. He simply gestured to Jude, not giving me any clue to what was going on.

‘Uncle Finn, Uncle Puck, Daddy all go to school. All leave me.’ His hands dropped and he started sniffling again. This time when I reached for him he didn’t flinch away from me. I took that as a good sign and threw my arms around him, crushing him to my chest.

“No, no sweetie. I’m not going anywhere. I promise you, Jude.” I held him away from me so he would meet my eyes. His were still filled with tears, the normally bright blue dark with his sadness. I gently brushed away the moisture that clung to his thick lashes. “I will never leave you. I promise that. It’s you and me against the world, Jude. Always.”

He looked at me with so much trust and love that I couldn’t keep my own tears back anymore. We were both crying and hugging each other, worries gone for the moment.

College was a whole new experience for me, so different from high school that it was like a foreign country. Gone were the mindless bullies, the whispers, the taunting, the physical violence. Nobody here cared that I was gay. In fact, other than a few people that I had been paired with on class projects, nobody paid attention to me. It was nice.

 I knew everyone had always thought of me as an attention-whore but that wasn’t quite right. I didn’t dress the way I did in high school just to get attention, it was a way for me to express how I felt. When I was being called all those names and told I was nothing, that I was ugly, that I was worthless, it just made me want to affirm that I was alive and beautiful and better than those bullies. I used fashion to make myself feel worthy, but once my son was born I didn’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone any longer, so my style became toned down. I still loved my high fashion clothes but I no longer needed them. Don’t get me wrong, I still abhorred the flannel and baggy denim that seemed to make up Finn’s entire wardrobe, but I found myself leaning more towards skinny jeans and plain button-downs rather than my suits and bowties.

That could be another factor in my ability to blend in with the crowd at OSU. My lack of time for extracurricular activities also kept me from getting too involved with the other students. I left them alone and they left me alone. It may not have been the standard college experience, but I was getting my education and that was what mattered.

I surprised a lot of my friends when I decided to major in early childhood education. I had always talked about my dreams of being a star and even if it wasn’t New York, OSU did have a musical theater program and they all expected me to go that route.

“What about Broadway, Boo?” Mercedes asked me after I revealed my new career path. I just shook my head, smiling indulgently at her across the small table in the café.

“It’s not practical for a single father, Mercy. I want my son to grow up knowing his father loves him, not being raised by some nanny.”

“But it’s your dream, Kurt. Do you really want to give that up?”

“Dreams change.”

The Friday before Thanksgiving break found me outside the main dining hall with a group of students listening to a speech given by a girl with flame red hair. She was holding hands with a dark skinned girl with a massive afro talking about fighting for her right to take her girlfriend to her high school prom. This was the first actual PFLAG meeting I’d ever been to and it wasn’t what I had imagined. Rather than sounding empowered, this girl was whining about how she was reprimanded for making out in the middle of the dance. Well, duh, most schools do have PDA policies for everyone so I doubt you were singled out.

When she started to talk about her ‘after prom activities’ and how they were filmed and broadcast to the rest of her classmates, I got the distinct feeling that this was less about being treated unfairly and more about bragging.

“Well, I think if you don’t want everyone to see you doing the nasty, you shouldn’t be doing it in a parked car right outside the gym.”

I turned sharply to see who had spoken and was surprised the see a young man with blonde hair standing right next to me.

“Excuse me?” I didn’t know why this guy was talking to me. Maybe he thought I was someone else.

He smiled conspiratorially at me. “I went to high school with her. She and her girlfriend were always putting on a show for the guys. They got off on the attention, taking it way past the line of everyday PDA. I swear half the time it was like soft core lesbian porn in the hallways.”

My mild disgust at the thought of that must have shown because the guy busted up laughing. “I’m Brad, by the way.”

“Kurt.” I said with a small smile. He had a nice laugh. He wasn’t bad looking either.

“You wanna get out of here? I don’t think I can listen to her talk about the injustice she suffered as a teenage lesbian anymore.” He rolled his eyes comically and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Um, sure.” I followed him from the crowd, disappointed that the fellowship I was seeking in that meeting wasn’t there. But maybe it wasn’t all bad. I did meet someone.

We ambled across the campus, not really talking about anything of importance, just random small talk about classes and professors. We reached the parking lot and he made no move to leave my side until I reached my car. I played with my keys for a minute, not wanting the conversation to end, but knowing that I needed to get home.

“So, Kurt, can I call you sometime?” Brad’s smile was genuine so I decided to take a chance. I pulled my phone from my pocket and exchanged it for his, typing my number in his contacts and waiting for him to finish with mine. He looked at my phone curiously before handing it back to me.

“What?” I questioned, a smile of my own stretching across my face.

“Who’s the kid in your background?”

My smile stretched wider. “That’s my son, Jude. We took him to the zoo for his second birthday.”

“Oh.”

That one word had my smile gone in an instant. It wasn’t even the word but the tone that did it. It wasn’t like Oh, that’s interesting.It was more like Oh, I am never going to contact you ever.

“Yeah,” I replied softly, stuffing my phone back in my pocket and climbing into my SUV. “Well, it was nice talking to you, Brad.”

“Yeah, uh, you too, Kurt.” And with that he was gone, his pace a lot more hurried than it had been on our way there.

“Yeah,” I mumbled to myself. I wondered if it was always going to be like that. Meet a guy, talk, laugh, mention that I have a kid, and watch as they run as fast as they can in the other direction. For all that college was more accepting, I didn’t think I would be bringing a boy home to meet the parents anytime soon. But that was fine. I had so many other things to focus on right then that I didn’t have time for a relationship anyhow. Yeah, the single life was great. Sure.