On the next day Kurt felt a bit better, he wasn’t crying anymore, but somewhere deep inside him he still felt the pain. Burt had came up to Kurt’s room and tried to talk to his son, but Kurt apologized and said he wasn’t in the mood for talking. He knew that Carole had told his dad everything Kurt had said, so there was no need to bring everything up again. He also refused to come down to eat, so Carole brought Kurt dinner to his room, but Kurt didn’t felt hungry at all. One time Finn came to check on Kurt, too, but he politely asked his step – brother to leave him alone. After fifteen minutes Finn had returned and handed him a cup of cacao.

Majority of the day Kurt spent laying in his bed and watching some movies. Although it would be more correctly to say, that movies were playing in the background, while Kurt simply laid on his side and stared into an imaginary spot on the wall. He was thinking, asking himself countless questions and simply trying to understand what had he done wrong. What had made Blaine reject him after their first (and also last) kiss? Had it been so terrible that Blaine wanted to do nothing with Kurt anymore?

After feeling helpless and desperate Kurt decided that he deserved some answers, so he sent Blaine a text message.

Please, tell me what I did wrong. – Kurt

And then another one.

I’m sorry. Can we talk? – Kurt

And another one.

Blaine, I need to talk to you. – Kurt

But to none of these messages Kurt got a reply. He even tried to call, but Blaine never picked up his phone.

Kurt tried again next day, but still no answer.

On the New Year’s Eve Kurt finally joined his family and tried to act as cheerful as possible, hoping to trick the others into thinking that he was fine and happy. But despite all of his effort to prove his ability to move on quickly, the hurt in his eyes was impossible to hide, although not Burt or Carole asked him anything. They were simply glad, that Kurt had stopped wallowing in pity and was at least trying to enjoy the celebration.

But as soon as the midnight came and a new year had arrived, he excused himself, saying that he was tired and returned to his room. Kurt crawled in his bed, put the earphones on and covered himself with the blanket.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

***

Blaine’s time in Dalton dragged painfully slow. In dorms he was absolutely alone and he wasn’t in the mood to go anywhere, except absolutely inevitable grocery shopping when he ran out of food. Most of his days went lying on his bed, while watching movies or TV series. Elise called daily to ask, how’s Blaine feeling or if she should come and visit him. Blaine always answered with the classical I’m fine and assured his sister that, yes, he was okay and, no, he wasn’t alone.

Nights were the most difficult. There wasn’t any homework to occupy Blaine’s mind with, so he was left alone with all the scary thoughts that lived in his head. He was reliving the kiss with Kurt over and over again. Thinking about all the emotions he was feeling. Complete happiness, euphoria, guilt, heartbreak. Everything. Blaine dreaded the nights, when he couldn’t fall asleep and was left thinking about the past events.

Also Kurt’s text messages and phone calls didn’t make anything easier. At first Blaine wanted to talk to Kurt, explain himself, explain why Kurt deserved someone so much better than him. But he didn’t. Once he wanted to tell Kurt to stop writing him. To forget everything and move on, but he couldn’t, because Blaine himself wasn’t ready to move on.

And those moments in nights when he actually managed to fall asleep were even worse. Kurt kept shoving up in his dreams, asking for answers with tears in his eyes, or kept kissing Blaine, never letting him go. Blaine woke up panting from both kind of dreams and both of them terrified him. They perfectly reflected the battle in his head. On one hand, Blaine was sure, he did the right thing. He didn’t lead the boy on, didn’t give him false hopes. On the other hand, there was a tiny part of Blaine’s mind that kept nagging him, saying you’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong…

In was the 4th of January, when Blaine finally broke down again. He hadn’t slept normally for a whole week. His eyes were dim, with dark rings underneath them. Plus he was going crazy from constantly being alone, so he called Wes.

“Hello?” Wes picked up after a few moments.

“I fucked up, Wes. I fucked up so bad,” Blaine said quietly, not sure if Wes was even able to hear him.

“What? Why? What’s going on, Blaine?” his friend sounded confused and lost from the track.

“I hurt Kurt really, really bad. And I hate myself for it. I thought it will be better, I thought that’s what he needs, but now I’ve started to doubt, I’m –“ Blaine couldn’t keep speaking as tears filled his voice again.

“Where are you, Blaine? I’m coming to see you,” Wes sounded truly worried.

“At Dalton,” Blaine managed to whisper in between his sobs.

“I’ll be right there.”

***

Wes sat in the small dorm room simply looking at Blaine after he had heard the whole story. He just didn’t understand what was going on in his friend’s head.

“Blaine,” he finally spoke, “I’ve told you million times that I’ve no idea how these things work between two guys, but even I see that you’re a complete idiot.”

Blaine snapped his head up and glared at Wes coldly, “If you came here to insult me, you can leave now! I need a friend, but you – “

“Blaine!” Wes quickly interrupted him, before he had something he might regret. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to offend you,” he continued, “I just wish you could see yourself right now.”

“Kurt once said it to me, too,” Blaine whispered looking at his hands like they had become the most fascinating thing in the whole world.

“Now you see?” Wes asked gently, afraid to make Blaine angry again.

“See what?” his friend asked.

Wes took a deep breath, wondering how to better say the things he wanted, “Promise me, you’ll be completely honest, okay?” he looked at Blaine expectantly.

“Okay,” Blaine nodded, still not raising his eyes. Why these conversations always were so uncomfortable?

“In past days, what is the last thing in your mind before sleep?” Wes asked.

“Kurt,” Blaine barely whispered.

“And what is the first thing in your mind in the morning?”

“Kurt.”

“And when you think about Kurt, what do you feel?”

Blaine was quiet. Could he say these things to Wes? Could he even admit them to himself? Blaine knew what he was feeling, past week had given him enough time to figure this out, but saying them out loud would make them real, unavoidable, undeniable. He inhaled and closed his eyes.

“I… I feel happy,” he started speaking quietly like being afraid of his own words, “And I want to see him happy, too. When he looks at me, I… I forget all the bad things that have ever happened to me and… there’s only him. I feel like… I can trust him. Like… like there’s no thing in the world I couldn’t tell him and he wouldn’t understand. When I’m sad, Kurt never says anything. There are no meaningless phrases like “it will get better” or “cheer up”. He simply holds my hand and it makes me feel like there’s nothing in this world that could hurt me…as long as he’s there,” Blaine finished swallowing back the tears.

Now it was the turn for Wes to sit without words. He could just stare at Blaine with his mouth open. He knew that Blaine cared for Kurt, but this was beyond.

“Blaine…” he said gently, “you can’t leave it like this. It’s killing you. I know you’re not thinking about yourself, but think about Kurt. How is he feeling?”

“Oh my God, Kurt!” Blaine buried his face in his hands. “I never wanted to hurt him. He deserves so much better… Someone so much better than me.”

“Stop it right now!” Wes was loosing his patience. Yes, Blaine was his friend and he would support him, but this was going out of hands. “You say you care about Kurt, but what did you do? You hurt him! Remember when you said, you couldn’t live with yourself knowing you’ve hurt him?”

“Why do I ruin everything like that?” Blaine asked, still hiding his face.

“You don’t ruin anything, Blaine,” Wes tried to comfort him in a calmer tone. “You’re just scared and you let this fear dominate you. Okay, you had your heart broken, but that’s why you can’t hide from everyone forever. Have a bit of courage, Blaine. Courage!”

“But what if this time I really ruined things?” Blaine sounded desperate.

“If you don’t try to find that out, you’ll never know! Kurt wanted to talk, didn’t he?”

Blaine nodded.

“Then what are you waiting for? This is your chance!”

“That was a week ago, Wes. He probably doesn’t want to see me anymore. And besides, what could I possibly tell Kurt? I kissed him and then left, I didn’t answer his phone calls and text messages. Oh, I’m sorry, I was busy, please, take me back, I like you! I’m not good with words. I’m not! There’s nothing I could say to make this better.”

“Then sing to him,” Wes simply answered. “You always say that music is the only way how you can express yourself. Then go for it! Sing him a song and any guy will be yours.”

“I don’t want any boy, Wes. I want only Kurt,” Blaine smiled lightly mentioning Kurt’s name. Then he was silent for a moment, contemplating his possibilities and then said, “Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I’ll sing to him. I’ll explain him everything. I want him to know everything. All the reasons I was afraid. Why I’m still afraid. I want Kurt to know.”

“Do you need any help with this?” his friend asked. “Just say and you know the Warblers will be serenading under Kurt’s window 10 minutes later.”

That finally caused Blaine to laugh as he finally looked up at Wes. “No, this is something I need to do myself. Thank you, Wes!” Blaine rose from his seat and hugged his friend. “Thank you so much!”

After saying goodbye to Wes, Blaine started to think about his possible song choice. Chance that Kurt would even consider coming to hear him out, was slim, but this chance was all Blaine had left. It’s now or never, he thought.