December 3

10:48am

'Never Gonna Be Alone' by Nickelback

Okay... so... a lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Like... a lot.

First of all, Kurt and I were in the kitchen doing dishes after lunch (I showed Mr. Hummel how to make grillders!) Everything was going okay until I dropped the stupid glass. It exploded and I think the sound really freaked Kurt out. He fell down on the floor and was pressing his hands to his ears. He looked really, really scared. He snapped out of it eventually, but he refused to talk about it.

Stupid me... I couldn't get any of the words out to even bring it up. I tried talking about the motel, but I couldn't get out what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that I was so sorry I got him involved. Everything that happened was my fault and I'm so sorry about it. But I couldn't even get the words out.

I hate it when I can't talk. I feel like a stupid child.

He needed me and I couldn't help him.

Anyways... after that happened, Kurt pretended to be okay and we made cookies. COOKIES! I showed him how to make peanut butter cookies just like I used to with gramps. I think he really liked them. I know Mr. Hummel did. He ate like 10.

We did dishes again after our snack and we had a food fight. There was peanut butter EVERYWHERE! And Mr. Hummel wasn't even mad at us! Can you believe it? The funniest part was when Kurt said the quotes from Lion King. I didn't even get scared when he held me still like that. I thought it might freak me out but it didn't. It was just Kurt. Nothing scary.

After we cleaned up the mess, Kurt helped me have a nice bath. I got into the tub by myself this time so it wasn't as embarrassing. Then he just sat by the edge of the bathtub and helped me scrub my back and sang nice songs to me.

It was perfect.

Like Kurt.

So... the next scary part happened while we were watching Fox and the Hound. Finn came home from school, but when he slammed the door Kurt kind of... lost it. He fell down on the floor and was really freaking out. I didn't know what to do. He was wiping at his face, and he kept saying things that really, really scared me. When I reached out to touch him he pushed me.

It didn't hurt that much, and I know that he didn't mean to do it... but it took all of my strength to not cry. I just wanted to help him.

I tried talking and holding his hand but nothing was working. He was so scared.

Finally, I tried touching my forehead to his. I remember Kurt doing it with me, and it... soothed me.

I think it worked. He eventually he snapped out of it, but god... I was terrified. I'm not sure what he thought was happening.

It made me wonder though, I felt so helpless - is that what he felt like every time I had a panic attack? If that's the case, I feel awful. Even with everything else I've been through, seeing Kurt hurting like that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I just wanted to help him. I needed to.

Something amazing happened after that. The phone rang and Mr. Hummel came in and told me that the doctor's office called. At first... I thought it was something bad and that I would have to leave. I really didn't want to, but I would have, if he'd asked me to. I don't like imposing.

But it wasn't bad at all! In fact, it was incredible! I'm not sick! I couldn't even believe it! Carole said I'll have to be retested in a little while, but for now, everything looked... okay.

I don't even know HOW that can be possible... I thought for sure that I would be infected.

I was so scared that it was going to be bad and that Kurt would hate me and the Hudmels would kick me out. But... it wasn't. It was okay. Everything turned out okay.

Well... Kind of okay. I still think there's something going on with Kurt. I wish he would talk to me. Hell, I wish I was brave enough to ask him about it. I worry about him so much. He's been so strong, but no one has paid attention to him and how he's feeling.

I'm going to try and be brave and talk to him about it soon.

I just need Kurt to be okay. I really, really care about him.