Kurt knew it was unfair. He knew that his own worries and fears, everything from the past and his apparent objection to comitting to anything which wasn’t solely going to benefit himself was what was stopping him. The actor was well aware of just how selfish he really was, how selfish he could be in order to protect himself. He hated himself for being that nervy and overly cautious person who just could no longer take any risks for fear that it would end badly. He’d never thought of himself as a strong person at all, he knew that his way of coping, the fact he wasn’t exactly sociable and avoided becoming close to people was a testement of that; it was something he’d learnt last year. He had to look after himself first and if that was going to hurt someone, then so be it; hurting someone else was so much easier to deal with than going through some of the things he had done in the past. There was some irony behind it that, really, he’d nevver actually felt this bad about something before. He could just see Blaine’s ever hopeful, ever sweet and charming and polite features turn to those of hurt and pain. He could hear the sincerity, the slight break of his voice, the confusion which knit itself into his eyebrows. That look, that one of pain and misery, killed Kurt. Knowing that he was the one to cause it was something Kurt was finding difficult to entirely comprehend in the way that he was feeling about it.

Of course he and Blaine were close, Kurt didn’t exactly have anyone else and as much as anyone would love to argue that he had Jen, Kurt knew it was a lie. There would be no moment when Jen would side with him over Blaine, it just wan’t ever going to happen. So trust wise, Kurt only had Blaine and as far as the actor could see, that was over. There was no way they would ever ben the same. There wouldn’t be a semi-flirty, comfortable, no boundaries friendship that they’d had before. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even hold hands, which was something Kurt was growing a lot more dependent on than he really did care to admit. Even now, on a thankfully quiet stretch of road midway between New York and Ohio, nestled in his car which had always meen a source of comfort for the brunet - choosing to escape to it whenever anything went wrong, Kurt craved to be able to just reach across and take up Blaine’s hand just for that comfort. He’d never been an overly touchy person; Kurt prefered to have his own personal space and have the ability, if he so chose, to invite anyone he wanted into this personal space whenever he wanted. However with Blaine, everything was welcome. He loved being able to wake up and feel the tickle of his stubble against his neck, the way he held Kurt so close, the way he looked at him with so much fondness and sincerity… It was almost intrusive, entirely personal exchange whenever he caught Blaine’s eye because he was beautifully expressive, so animated and his eyes told stories without him even noticing.

He had to snap himself out of these trail of thoughts, had to stop thinking about Blaine, had to stop relying on him and stop depending on him as his only source of go to feeling better treatment. He’d managed before Blaine and after Nick. He could be on his own, and yet he felt completely lost. He let his window down slightly, hoping the cold November air would wake him up considering he’d been driving since the early hours of the morning and perhaps take his mind off everything. Taking his attention off the road for a minute, he plugged in his iPhone to the radio and let it play through his recently added songs; admittedly they hadn’t been updated for quite a few months, but he’d mostly been listening to the French conversation recordings and musical soundtracks on it anyway, not real music which wasn’t a part of his coursework. Setting it away, he hummed absentmindedly to a few of the tracks, keeping himself awake just about. He’d learnt to be able to cut off his emotions so well recently, resolving to looking completely neutral about everything and somewhat emotionless. He was living on autopilot, without sleep and without food and half-wallowing in guilt. Blaine didn’t deserve that at all, he was far too genuinely lovely and sure, yes, he’d hurt Kurt when he’d kissed Sebastian, but truthfully there was no reason for Blaine not to have kissed him; it wasn’t like he was taken. He was single, single people did that sort of thing; they went out and they got drunk and they had fun with whoever they wanted to.

And then it came on. That one song which would always, no matter the occasion, remind him of Blaine and their so much more than friendship but not quite relationship thing they had going on. It was Kurt’s fault entirely that they were both so damn confused. It had taken Kurt a good while to figure out why he could no longer see the road, blinking away the tears as he pulled over, completely unsafely quickly and somewhat eratically for his driving style, and stopped sharply. He leant his forehead on the steering wheel, sobbing loudly into cavern of the car and turning the song up louder. There was absolutely no way Kurt would ever be able to deny how big of a part Blaine had in his life. In fact, a lot of Kurt’s life was Blaine and as much as Kurt wanted to deny it, he cared for the musician a hell of a lot more than he made out. If he had the chance to do things over and stop thinking of how much of a sham his two previous relationships had been, how heartbreak felt… Well then he definitely had fallen for the musician more than he was willing to admit even to himself before now. Eventually, once he pulled himself together, Kurt had turned around, driving perhaps a little quicker than he really should have been - well he knew just how much scolding he would get from his dad for this behaviour but Kurt had never been one for patience.

It had taken a while to get back into the city, with the rush hour traffic heaving and making Kurt entirely tempted to just abandon his car in his impatience, although really there was no chance of him ever doing that to his beloved Navigator. So he impatiently pulled into spaces in the road to get him moving again until he was finally, finally, able to park up close to the coffee shop which he spent far too much time in. This was the place which Kurt would consistently hold dear. It was everything to him in the way of giving him a life line. Kurt had been so incredibly lonely before that fateful day he’d met Blaine there. He’d been miserable in his job working in another coffee shop and at the bar, he had no one who he could just sit and talk to, no one to turn to when he was frightened or worried or just needed a good cry, no one who wanted to look after him. And then Blaine came along. Blaine who was so like him in so many way Kurt just didn’t know. He’d liked him from that first day. The way he made Kurt just feel normal, like there was nothing wrong, made him feel comfortable enough to sit on the stage and sing. Made him feel comfortable enough to actually reveal more about his life than most people ever knew. And lately, he’d become too used to just being there, having Blaine’s arms around him and the soft kisses they’d shared… Maybe that was the problem. Everything pointed towards what Blaine had said and yet Kurt was blind to it because he just simply refused to believe it.

As the actor stepped through the door, there was a moment of self consciousness at the dramatic way he had actually burst through. Many had looked up to acknowledge him and regulars waved before he was all but dragged to the back room by an incredibly frightening looking Jen. He really should have prepared himself for this stream of less than pleasant versions of his name. “How dare you? You have the absolute audacity to just run away and not even explain yourself to him? And what the hell are you doing back here?” Kurt promtly sat down on one of the stools, running a hand through his hair shakily, refusing to actually look at her right now. “I need to talk to him…” Kurt mumbled quietly once she had stopped completely blowing up at him. Honestly he should have expected her reaction given how protective she was over Blaine. “He’s not here.” Kurt looked up at her then, raising his eyebrow sharply. “He left?” Kurt asked meekly, watching her attempt at a nonchalant answer as she sauntered out of the back room with a sway in her step, pulling on a cheerful look to serve the new customers. There was a moment where Kurt felt completely numb, he had no idea where in Rochester Blaine would be, in fact he wasn’t even sure how to get there and what if Blaine didn’t even want to see him? With a shaky sigh, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, turning it on and ignoring the missed calls and voicemails from his dad to dial Blaine’s number.

He listened to the phone connect and fall straight to the voice mail, clearing his throat with a slight edge of relief that he could jsut air everything without being interrupted. Well without being interrupted much anyway, because it looked like Jen was ready to interject at any minute. As he heard the tone, Kurt could feel his heart rate rising, he felt sick to his stomach. “Um… Hi Blaine… Oh god that’s a terrible way to start, please don’t stop listening just now… Hear me out okay? I just… I’m back in New York and I really want to see you. I understand if you don’t - Yes I’m leaving a voicemail Jen - I understand if you don’t want to talk to me at all, honestly I do. I shouldn’t have done that because I know how it feels to spill everything to someone and have them just walk away and I would never ever want to make you feel like that. You’re my best friend, Blaine, I feel lost without you. I can’t even answer my own question. I don’t know what we are, but I don’t want to lose you because of my own stupidity because my life is so, so much better with you in it.” Kurt took a moment to catch himself again, regain his rapidly failing compsure, narrowing his eyes at Jen who was standing expectantly against the door frame. “I really, really want to talk to you. Please. I know I don’t deserve it after the way I acted but I care about you too much to lose you because I’m too frightened… I’m really, really sorry…” His voice cracked at the last moment before he hung up.