Chapter 7: Drowning

I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say
I have never felt this way

Could I be, was I there?
It felt so crystal in the air
I still want to drown, whenever you leave
Please teach me gently, how to breathe

-Shelter by The xx

Kurt skipped out of English early like he had told Blaine, but he didn't go directly home. Normally he would've appreciated the alone time. As much as he loved socializing and going to the clubs on the weekends, he liked to be alone just as much. It wasn't a widely known fact, but he had a creative streak that craved silence and cultivation. Sometimes he sat alone in his room for hours, reading, writing, composing. Not today though. Today he would go crazy sitting there waiting for Blaine all that time.

Kurt had driven his bike to a small lake not too far from his home. He often liked to come here, dangle his feet over the edge of the bridge and think as he watched the sun setting. And today he had a lot to think about. He was antsy. He took out his pack of American Spirits and lit one, but it only sat in his hand, a slow-burning place-holder while he let himself get lost in thought.

Blaine. Blaine was a conundrum. For the first time since Kurt didn't know how long, another guy was keeping him on his toes. Kurt hadn't been lying when he'd told Blaine that he'd never been turned down before. At least, once he came out and figured out which guys were the right ones to go after. He wasn't the type to crush on straight guys, but he usually had a pretty good idea when a guy wasn't exactly as straight as he pretended to be, and Kurt had proven his own instincts right time and time again. Of course, since coming to Lima, Kurt had made friends, but he hadn't really found many romantic interests. He knew he wasn't going to be here long and the one thing he had learned in his three years as an out and proud gay was that gay relationships could get really messy. One guy might think it was just sex between friends, but the other guy was bound to be more attached. There would inevitably be tears, and drama. Better to look for casual hook ups than get involved in anything regular. He didn't want to fuck up his chances of getting out of here.

And he certainly hadn't intended to get in this deep with Blaine, even if he didn't know what "this deep" meant. Something was going on there, something below the surface. It was true, Kurt had found the guy instantly attractive, and while he was aware the boy had a girlfriend and wasn't exactly gay, the possibility didn't seem out of the question. But Kurt had met guys like this before. Popular, handsome, too nice for his own good. Confused about his sexuality, but more than that, confused about being confused. Not ready to come out, but ready to try something. And then, once Kurt had broken him in and helped him accept himself, devoted. Guys like him tended to get clingy after a while. He had little patience for it.

Kurt took a long drag of the cigarette, barely noticing what he was doing, it was so second nature to him. He let the smoke slowly seep out of his mouth and remembered a time, notsolong ago, when he had been a romantic himself. He hadn't grown up so cynical. He had dreamed of his first boyfriend, had planned for it. A first love was a powerful thing; he had learned that easily enough from watching movies. But after...after everything that had happened, Kurt had become jaded. He had stopped viewing relationships in such a positive light and instead learned to mistrust them, to fear commitment, to be turned off by boys who clung to him, boys who said I love you, boys who begged him to never leave. They were all so pathetic. Just like he had been once. He felt bad, sometimes, breaking their hearts, but figured they would have to learn about the real world eventually. If someone was going to teach them, it might as well be him. And he always tried to be as kind as could, as considerate as possible considering the circumstances. Of course, his number one priority was keeping his own heart at a safe distance from everybody, no matter whose feelings got shredded in the process.

He took another drag, coughing a little as some of the smoke went the wrong way, not really focused on what he was doing. The water was beautiful at this time of day, but it would really be its most glorious around 5. But Kurt couldn't afford to stay that long. Blaine would be waiting.

Blaine. The name had been ingrained in his head since he had first laid eyes on the boy. The prospect of a good chase was always tantalizing, but this felt like something more almost. It had Kurt nearlyobsessed. Something about Blaine was different. There were real secrets there. There was someone very interesting buried underneath it all. Kurt chastised himself mentally. If he wasn't careful, he could really get himself into some hot water with this kid. He didn't want that. He wanted to get in, and get out. And if it turned out getting in was too difficult altogether, then he'd just give up. Blaine was not worth all that he had to lose. He was going to go to New York City when he graduated and nothing was getting in his way, least of all a pretty hazel-eyed small-town boy.

He shook his head. He needed to stop dwelling on it so much. There needed to be less conversation, more physicality. He had accepted that he was going to be spending time with Blaine, so he definitely wasn't going to let it go to waste. But it felt like the emotional side of things was developing much too fast. And they hadn't even known each other a week! But Blaine kept reaching, kept prodding at Kurt, reaching parts of him that no one had touched in years. Kurt had already let himself be vulnerable with Blaine far too many times. He needed to put a stop to all of this. And he would, he decided. Today.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Blaine showed up at Kurt's house after practice as he had said he would. He was freshly showered and wearing clean, but simple clothes. He had run a small amount of gel through his hair but mostly, it was unrestrained, drying freely into wild curls. Kurt could practically feel his mouth watering as he opened the door.

"Hey. You can head downstairs. I've just gotta grab my stuff," Kurt informed him, trying not to make any sustained eye contact.

"Sure I won't find any othervisitorswaiting down there?" Blaine asked with a smirk in his voice.

"Nope. Completely freed up for you," Kurt said dryly.

"How thoughtful."

Kurt sighed and shook his head as he watched the dark-haired boy descend the stairs into his bedroom. He didn't feel more peaceful now that he had come to a conclusion about where he wanted things to go with Blaine. In fact, he had a sickly feeling about the whole thing. He had finally decided that all that he wanted was for them to get this stupid community service project over with and be done with each other. As little interaction as possible would be ideal. He wasn't going to let this kid get to his head. As far as Kurt was concerned, Blaine was straight and unavailable and Kurt was not interested anyway.

Of course that was all a lie, but Kurt could live with a lie, when it was necessary. He headed downstairs feeling slightly nauseated. Blaine was already sitting on his bed like he had the day before, looking completely comfortable for being in someone else's room. Kurt couldn't help but feel undone by the sight of Blaine on hisbed. He looked so good, so handsome and naïve and fresh. All Kurt wanted was to push him down and climb on top of him and let their bodies do the talking.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Uhm, why don't we sit on the floor?"

"Oh. Sorry," Blaine jumped off his bed and stretched out in the middle of the carpet.

"Uhm, okay," Kurt said, cursing the high-pitched sound of his voice. Why was he acting so nervous?

"Kurt, is everything cool? You seem off..."

"Everything is fine!" Kurt snapped unintentionally.

"Geez Man, sorry, didn't mean to offend you."

"Look can we just do this project and get it over with?"

"Fine," Blaine said, looking confused at Kurt's behavior. He continued nevertheless. "Alright so do you have any ideas?"

"No."

"Well, I was actually doing some research and I found something which I thought you might think was sort of cool." Blaine pulled a sheet of paper from his backpack and handed it to Kurt.

Kurt took a look at the printout in front of him, his eyes slowly widening as he took in what he reading. It was a page about a gay and lesbian center that was being built in Lima Heights. The group behind it had needed to halt the process midway because of a lack of funds. The building of the center had been put on hold until further notice.

Kurt swallowed quickly and looked at Blaine. "What is this about?"

"It's like the paper says. A gay and lesbian center," Blaine was grinning at him like an idiot.

"I don't understand what it has to do with us and our project," Kurt said, trying to keep his voice level.

Blaine looked confused by Kurt's behavior once more. "I thought we could, I don't know, try and raise money somehow for the center. I figured if we talked to Figgins he might let us do some fundraising at school. And at the same time, it'll be raising awareness for the center and the issues they're trying to deal with." He shrugged his shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world, that he should be suggesting working with the Gay and Lesbian center for their community service project.

"I don't understand." Kurt shoved the paper back at Blaine who took it in surprise, his thick eyebrows furrowing.

"I thought this was something you would be interested in," he offered by way of explanation.

Kurt scoffed. "Are you trying to make a mockery of me Anderson?"

"What? No." Blaine looked offended.

"It just doesn't make any sense. Why the fuck would you suggest helping out a gay and lesbian center. Wouldn't that be bad for your reputation? I don't get what your game is here, but I know that I don't trust you as far as I can throw you."

"God Kurt, you really are something else, aren't you? You keep preaching to me every day about how you're proud of your sexuality and how people like me will never understand, and then when I actually take what you're saying to heart and try to meet you halfway, you throw it in my face?"

"People have gone to more elaborate measures to make fun of me before," Kurt said with a casual shrug, but Blaine could tell from the way he was gnawing on his lower lip that what he was saying was much more to him that casual.

"Kurt. Whatever you might believe or have seen, I'm actually not an asshole."

Kurt chuckled a little at that. "I'm not so sure I believe that."

"Believe whatever you have to then. But I don't even understand exactlyhowyou think I would be using this to make fun of you or something." Blaine sounded genuinely frustrated. But Kurt still didn't trust him.

"Today in school, you were- this just isn't consistent with the guy I've met so far," he said finally, releasing the words all in one quick exhale.

"To be fair," Blaine said quietly, "you aren't exactly transparent yourself. And as far as I go," he leaned toward Kurt almost conspiratorially. "There are a lot of surprises underneath all this."

That's exactly the problem,Kurt thought. He continued staring at the carpet they sat on, biting his lip. He hadn't realized how close Blaine had gotten to him in the meantime until he heard his voice speaking right in his ear.

"You always do that when there's something bothering you."

Kurt looked up. Blaine was staring at him, his golden-hazel eyes impossibly magnetic as he looked, transfixed into Kurt's blue ones.

"Do what?" Kurt breathed, unable to look away.

"Bite your lip like that. It's...distracting..." Blaine trailed off and Kurt felt his breath hitch in his chest in a way that he hadn't felt it do in years. How was it possible that this dumb jock was having this kind of an effect on him?

He could've let it happen. He could've just closed his eyes and let Blaine kiss him right then and there. He was almost certain that had been what the popular boy was going to do. But for the first time in a long time, Kurt stopped it.

"It's getting late," he said, shaking Blaine out of his trance-like state.

Blaine stared at Kurt hard, trying to read his face.

"And you said you couldn't stay long," Kurt added.

"Right." Blaine coughed, clearing his throat. "Okay. Quinn's probably going to be calling me soon anyway." He looked around Kurt's room, which was beginning to darken as the sunlight streaming through the windows started to dim.

"Anyway, what do you say about the project?"

"It's fine," Kurt said distractedly. Really, Blaine's words about Quinn were ringing in his head. He couldn't believe this guy was really going to nearly kiss him and then make a casual comment about his girlfriend right afterwards, like thatdidn'talmost happen. It was a good thing he had stopped it when he did. Blaine was obviously not the guy to get involved with.

"Seriously?" Blaine questioned. "You were super against it like, ten minutes ago."

"I said it's fine," Kurt answered coldly.

"Dude you've been acting really weird this afternoon. Are you sure nothing's up?"

Kurt shook his head. "Nothing at all is up, Blaine. Now I suggest you get going."

"What, you got someone else coming over again like yesterday."

"Yeah. My dad."

Blaine frowned a little. "And your dad would really be that opposed to seeing me over here because?"

"He has enough things to worry about without having to wonder about who I do and don't associate with. Also, I'd caution you, because Finn Hudson could show up at any moment too, you know. And I don't think you'd want him to find you here."

"Whatever Man. I'm getting out of your hair. I'll type up the proposal and hand it into Figgins tomorrow. You don't have to worry about it."

"Great," Kurt answered emotionless.

"Great," Blaine replied and if Kurt didn't know better, he would've thought the boy almost sounded mad.

Blaine grabbed his skateboard from where it was resting against the wall and turned to look at Kurt. "I know you pride yourself on being really proud and above all the assholes and everything. But maybe if you took a second to take a closer look, you'd see that sometimes you judge people too easily too. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow I guess." He grabbed his stuff and headed upstairs, leaving Kurt alone in the ever-darkening bedroom.

x-x-x-x-x-x

"Kurt! Dinner!" Kurt's family had been home for a couple hours by now but Kurt still hadn't emerged from his bedroom. This wasn't entirely unusual for him, but there was no way he was going to get out of dinner without his father making a big thing out of it. Burt had always been really invested in family time, but now especially, ever since marrying Carole, he insisted that they eat family dinners together. Kurt didn't really know what he was trying to play at. He had spent so many years living with his dad as his only family- he didn't know anything about having a mom or a brother, nor did he want to find out about it. What was the point? He was practically out of the house by now, anyway.

But he was trying. At least a little bit. For his dad. His stepbrother could be kind of stupid, but overall was a fairly nice guy for a jock. His stepmom was awfully nice too; he couldn't deny that as much as he wanted to. But he couldn't help but resent his dad a little bit anyway. What had been wrong with how things had been? Hadn't Kurt been good enough for him?

He didn't understand why they had had to be the ones to move to Lima, whyhehad needed to switch schools rather than Finn.

"Finn's in line for some great football scholarships from the high school out there. You know, apparently they have a really good music program too. Apparently Finn is in their Glee Club. I guess they've won Nationals a few times. Sounds like your kind of thing," his dad had told him.

Finn, Finn, Finn. Finn this and Finn that was all Kurt ever heard anymore. It was making him start to resent the kid, and he didn't really want to. Like he said, Finn was nice. Finn wasgreat. Everything his dad had ever wanted in a son but hadn't gotten in Kurt.

Whatever, Kurt thought, trying to dismiss his plaguing thoughts. Just another way that the world had let him down and showed him that, no matter how you much you might care about somebody or try to be perfect for them, you'd never be what they wanted you to be.

But Kurt loved his dad even so and he definitely didn't want to be the cause of any added stress in his dad's life. So, he tried to do whatever would make Burt happy.

He trudged up the stairs like he was headed to a funeral.

Dinner smelled delicious as always. Carole had marinated steaks and made mashed potatoes and a Caesar salad. Kurt didn't allow himself to savor the meals that she made though. His policy for dinner was much like his policy about romance. Get in and get out.

He had just sat down at the table when Finn came bounding in, taking the seat across from him.

"Hey Man! Didn't see you, like, all day." Finn had already shoveled some of the potatoes into his mouth and Kurt tried not to visibly grimace as his stepbrother talked around the wads of food he was chewing.

"Kindly, Finn, remember to chew before speaking. And I know. I was busy after school."

"How's your lip doing?" Finn asked, disregarding Kurt's comment about manners entirely. Burt and Carole had sat down at this point and were helping themselves to the food. Kurt was daintily cutting his steak into small bites. Finn's comment startled him.

"Uhm, it'sfine," he said with a slight hiss, trying to send Finn signals with his eyes that he shouldn't bring it up in front of the parents. Finn caught on to Kurt's frantic facial contortions, but it was already too late.

"Your lip? What's wrong with your lip?" Burt asked, an edge of concern in his voice.

"Nothing. Cold sore," Kurt answered hastily.

Burt narrowed his eyes. "You don't get cold sores Kurt. You've always told me they were disgusting and nothing more than a slightly glorified version of an STD."

Finn looked at Kurt, not understanding why Kurt wasn't just coming clean with his dad.

"Kurt? Finn?" Burt turned to look at his stepson. "Would someone like to tell me what I'm missing?"

"Kurt got into a fight at school the other day and he split his lip," Finn said quickly.

"Finn!" Kurt yelled in dismay.

"Sorry Dude," Finn apologized, going back to his potatoes.

"That true Kurt?" Burt asked.

"No. Well. Not exactly. I mean, I wouldn't really call it a fight, it was more of a scuffle..."

"Oh Kurt, Honey," Carole interjected worriedly. "Finn how could you let this happen?"

"I didn't know you were having problems with bullies again Kurt," His father said with a hard glance in Kurt's direction. Kurt knew disappointment when he saw it; his father was upset he hadn't told him.Goddamnit Finn!he thought before squaring his shoulders and setting about calming his father down.

"I'm not getting bullied. This wasn't from a bully. I- I started the fight. Some kid was being ignorant and I couldn't stand it any longer so I attacked him."

Finn looked like he was about to say something again but one look from Kurt made him close his mouth again.

"Honestly, it's nothing. I was just being hot-headed."

"You attacked someone?" Burt asked in slight disbelief.

"Yeah Dad. Don't you know by now I can take care of himself?"

"Kurt, I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in, but you of all people know violence isn't the answer," his dad said, shaking his head.

"I know. I don't know what got into me. Anyway, it's all fine now," Kurt said, smiling brightly.

"Did you get in trouble?" Carole inquired.

"Oh yeah, well, we just got a few community service hours. Like I said, no big deal."

Kurt's dad was looking at him like he wasn't sure if he quite believed him, but he let it go and they continued with their supper.

Kurt's thoughts were reeling. His first instinct was to be furious with Finn for being so dumb, but the more he thought about it, he realized. It was Blaine. Ever since he had entered his life, Blaine had really started messing things up. And Kurt had had about all he could stand.