Dear Diary/Journal

Well my daily update promise lasted a long time!! Id feel guilty but hey - youre a computer you dont have feelings!!! Oh shit! Maybe you do - OMG, maybe this is the start of judgement day & the machines are gonna kill is all!! Or maybe 5 vodkas after class today wasnt the best idea.....hmm....I wonder if Rachel knows.

Nope, Rachel doesnt know but she says if you try and kill us in our sleep please dont disturb us as sleep is very important! Oh diary.....you really understand me! You dont answer back...... Youre always there..... Youre so easy to turn on!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Oh shit I just fell off my bed! I like you diary! Are you a diary? I feel like Im 12 when I call you a diary and Im not 12 at all - Im a growned up! But journal just sounds soooo pretentious! Oh I know - DJ!!! Cos youre a diary/journal cross!!! Hi DJ!!!

OMG this is brilliant! Now I can talk about my friend DJ without everyone thinking Im a total loser! Well....nah who cares!!! Whoop whoop Ive got a new friend even if hes just a computer!! Wait - are you even a boy? Are you lying to me already DJ?! Hmm...I guess you could be either a boy or a girl. Since I like boys Im gonna make you a big but dont worry, Ill be good to you. I wont lie to you like other boys do!

Blaine never lied to me. Well, he kinda did but it was kinda my fault too. Oh DJ, youd have loved Blaine. He was so nice and sweet and cute and handsome and he had the nicest bow ties! Ok, DJ Ive never told Rachel this but since youre my new friend Imgonna tell you this........ok.......are you ready......????  I still love Blaine!  No-one else knows and you cant tell anyone! Itll be our secret ok DJ? And you cant tell Blaine! OMG Id DIE if he knew I still loved him!!! DJ, do you have a boyfriend? I wonder if computers can love.....oh btw DJ youre gay too just like me!! Since I picked your name and your gender Im picking your sexuality! I figured it was only fair cos then we can talk about cute boys together!!!!

Blaine called me again yesterday yknow. I nearly answered it. I think I want us to be friends again. He fell in love with me once before - maybe I can make him do it again? Or maybe he still loves me and we will meet up in the park one day and spot each other from afar and then run towards each other and hug on a bridge! OMG that would be just like a movie!

But I dont think he will. He still calls me but I dont think he loves me anymore. He used to say it all the time but for the last year or so he hasnt said it. He just calls, leaves a message that says hi hope youre well then hangs up. Oh DJ......I threw away the only person that will ever love me. Im getting sad now and Rachel just told me off for crying. Her and Santana say that when happy drinking turns into sad drinking that means youre not drinking enough. I dont know if I want to drink anymore. Maybe I deserve to be sad. Maybe Ill have another vodka and decide.

*Approve entry - Y*

*Contact member - N*

Blaine saw the notification appear in his inbox just as he ended the weekly strategy meeting with his team managers. He started reading through the latest entry from Kurt, the twinge of guilt hidden by his quiet chuckling as he scanned his ex-boyfriends drunken ramblings. Then he saw his name and the chuckling stopped. He hated that hed made Kurt sad. He still felt incredibly guilty for everything that had happened. He hadnt dated anyone else since Kurt broke up with him. Kurt was his soulmate and the thought of even kissing anyone else just turned his stomach. Blaines thoughts flashed back to the day when his life ended. As soon as those bronzed lips left his body he knew hed just fucked everything up. It was even sex. It was worse than sex. Hed let someone elses mouth touch him in places that should have been saved for Kurt. Once the initial satisfaction had ebbed, the guilt and shame took hold of him and no matter what he did, Blaine just couldnt shake it off. Any doubts hed had about Kurt vanished into thin air as quickly as his semen disappeared down that guys throat.

Blaine couldnt even hate Eli. Yes he knew Blaine was with someone but Blaine never stopped him - until it was too late. Wiping a rest from his face, Blaine accepted the entry to Kurts online account and shut down his laptop. After locking up his office and saying goodnight to the night shift teams, Blaine stepped out onto the cold New York street. It was 2am but the streets were still quite busy. Pulling his coat around him,Blaine headed for the subway - the guilt pulling at his soul as he pictured his favourite blue eyes crying.