Dear Diary - or are you a journal? "Dear Journal" doesnt really sound right. Hmm...Ill think about it later!

OMG Im talking to a computer! Ive finally lost it! Hi computer! I always said Id never keep a diary - I dont really see the point in writing things down but I cant really talk I Rachel about this stuff so I might as well give it a go.  Its 1:30am and Rachel & Santana are still partying with a bunch of people. Im in my room - well, its a bed surrounded by giant shower curtains so maybe "room" is a bit too much! Anyway, Im in my plastic corner of the apartment and got bored so decided Id check out the website Elliot recommended. "You need to find a creative outlet for your venting Kurt" he said.  So he gave me a 6 month subscription to you - deardiary.com .....I dont know what Im expecting to happen or what Elliot is expecting but an epiphany just isnt going to happen.

Maybe writing things down instead of keeping them bottled up inside will help.  Cant hurt right!!! So.....do you come here often?! Ha!! Of course you do, youre a website - youre always here!!  Ok, so maybe the best thing to do in this first entry would be to remind myself how I got where I am today. 

The Life of Kurt Hummel - so far

1: Graduated from McKinley High in Lima, Ohio

2: Got bullied at said high school for the entire time

3: Joined glee club at said high school 

4: Met the love of my life 

5: Moved to New York

6: Didnt get accepted to my only college choice (seriously why did I only apply to one college!) but managed to get accepted for the second intake (phew!)

7: Ignored aforementioned love of my life for an internship at Vogue.com

8: Got cheated on by love of my life

9: Broke up with love of my life

10: Still in love with the love of my life

Wow - thats messed up! Anyone else looking at this would wonder what the hell Ive been doing and to be honest, Im wondering that myself!  After Dads heart attack I felt so lost and everything started to slip away from me. Blaine was the only person - the only anything - that kept me together. Its been months since we broke up & I miss him so much. He still calls me once a month but I still cant answer his calls. Instead he leaves a voicemail & as pathetic as it sounds I just cant bring myself to delete them. 

What are you supposed to do when the one person you trust with everything breaks your heart? Its my fault too. I was so obsessed with my job that I neglected the one person who had been there for me through everything. Yes of course I was mad .....at the time. I was so angry & hurt. He slept with some random person he met on Facebook. I used to believe in soulmates but now, well now Im not so sure. Maybe Blaine & I just werent meant to be together. Rachel said he looked so sad when she saw him in the McKinley production of Grease shortly after we broke up.  She kept pushing me to go and I meant to but when I got to the airport I just couldnt get on that plane. Its like......if I didnt see Blaine it wasnt real. But it was.

Santana said Blaine moved to New York too after graduation. Ive never seen him around but then I guess NY is a big city. No-one has seen him on a while but I know Santana & Tina are still in touch with him. Nobody talks about Blaine around me anymore. I dont know if its because they think Ill be upset or if they just dont talk about him I dont know. I miss him so much. Blaine was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. Sometimes when things are particularly crap I still reach for him or bring up his contact information in my phone.  I can just never bring myself to call him though. Its been so long what would I even say?! I heard that he didnt even apply for NYADA which is still upsetting. Blaine is a born performer so I hope hes still doing that somewhere. 

Ok, so far this has just been one big pity party so lets liven things up a bit! Hmm.... Nope, I cant think of anything. God Im so had at this!! I should probably wrap this up for tonight anyway. Its 3am and I think the party outside the plastic has finally calmed down enough for me to sleep! It might be New Years but Ive still got a deadline to meet! Im still working at vogue.com - the rumour is that Im a shoo-in for the entry level assistant position thats being decided upon this week! Im definitely the best candidate but you can never be too sure! 

Maybe Bruce will come and keep me company tonight. Hes been under the bed for the last couple of weeks but I think I need a hug tonight. I should really clean his box out tomorrow too.

Wow - I just read that and that sounds so creepy!!! For the purposes of the "posts may be monitored for illegal content" disclaimer : Bruce is my boyfriend pillow!! Its like a cushion that has an arm! (Yeah Kurt cosnthat sounds a lot less creepy!) like anyone is gonna read this anyway! 

Maybe Elliot was onto something. Maybe venting and typing random things into this thing would be a good idea. A sort of cathartic release with no fear of judgement. Hmm...well diary/journal, I may just keep you!

TTFN

Kurt x

[End of entry]

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Blaine couldnt believe the name of the newest user of his website.  When the personal information came through into his email inbox he thought it must have been a coincidence. How many Kurt Hummels must there be?! Running his hands through his curly, dark hair, Blaine sighed knowing that he had to let his team know about the personal connection to their latest customer - ethically he had to......right?  Blaine tried to distract himself by focussing on the latest ad campaign. When the moderation notification came through a couple of hours later he couldnt resist. He was the only staff member on duty tonight. It was New Year after all. Blaine was the only one in the team who didnt have a partner or family so hes given the entire staff the night off.  He knew he should leave the moderation for the next shift but they werent on duty for another 18 hours and the site did state that it had a 30 minute moderation period. Every single post made into the Dear Diary site was checked for illegal activity or harrassment indicators - its one of the things that made the site so popular with high school & college kids and their parents and had won the site several awards. Blaine felt guilty as he clicked on the email. He was stunned to see his own name mentioned so much. He missed Kurt everyday and truly believed that if they had only worked better on their communication theyd still be together. He loved...no, he loves Kurt. He knew that Kurt was still in New York but had avoided making physical contact with him to save him any more hurt or pain. 

Maybe this was dates way of giving them each a helping hand....or shove!  Blaine clicked the button that approved Kurts entry and noticed that his account was still showing as logged in. He sighed as he realised that not only had he broken his own company rules that he himself created by checking an entry from someone he knows but also that he realised hed do it again! He desperately wanted to be close to Kurt. As the shame began the wash over him, he updated the sites home page to show that due to the New Year all entries would not he moderated until January 2nd. He closed his laptop and set it down on his desk.  Picking up his phone he sent out a generic message to his parents & brother wishing them a happy new year before hovering over Kurts name in his contact list. He usually phoned once a month just to hear Kurts voice before leaving a short message. Sighing heavily he switched off his phone, shoved it in his pocket & grabbed his jacket.  Locking the office door behind him, Blaine walked out into the busy New York street, successfully hailed a cab and went home.