Hey DJ

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I feel like such a bad friend so not chatting to you for so long. �Its so weird though to think of a computer based journal as a friend but youre pretty much the only "person" I can talk to just now because I know you cant answer back. �Ive had such a weird week. �After going for coffee with Blaine, I couldnt stop thinking about him. �I didnt call him like I said I would and then the anniversary of Dads death hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

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I totally slobbed out that day. I ate a ton of junk food and managed to drink way too much but once again....Blaine was there. �Over the last 18 months any time Ive had a horrible day, wished I could have someone to hug me or anything at all.....there was Blaine. Even in his stupid voicemails that just said "Hi, its me, hope youre ok." Its like he knew I needed someone. �I cant explain it but maybe fate has been telling us that were meant to be together. I know how totally crazy that sounds but think about it:

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When I fell down the stairs at the apartment at xmas in 2012, I was in the emergency room and Blaine called me. I still remember what his message said. "I know it hurts but itll get better. Just please talk to me." OK so I guess he didnt mean my broken ankle would stop hurting but its like he knew I was in pain.

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Valentines Day 2013: Adam & I had been together for a month when we decided to take things further. We had sex for the first time and....well, it was awful! I tried everything I could think of to make myself come but it was horrible! He was moaning and groaning underneath me and all I could think of was how Blaine sounded so much better when he was under me. Adam was getting closer but I just couldnt get there. Then my phone rang. It was on silent but when I looked over I saw his name on my display. Thats all it took. Suddenly my head was filled with images and memories of Blaine & I and within seconds I was coming so hard. �I felt so bad that I was with someone but needed my ex-boyfriends face to climax. �Adam thought it was amazing but I just nodded. We were lying there afterwards and I felt awful. I felt like Id just cheated on Adam even though he was beside me. �I suddenly remembered what Blaine had said to me that night he told me hed cheated on me. "I missed you so much Kurt, I couldnt get you out of my head. I didnt mean to do anything with him." Kurt suddenly realised what Blaine was trying to tell him. �Whilst hed had sex with Eli, hed been thinking about Kurt the entire time. I never gave him any chance to explain. I automatically assumed the worst because it was easier than believing either of us could have done anything like that.....but thats exactly what I had just done with Adam. �We only lasted another 10 days before I ended things. I still loved Blaine but it wasnt fair on Adam to keep stringing him along.

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By June, Simon had me controlled more than I cared to admit. He was rough and his idea of foreplay was slamming the apartment door, shoving me into the wall and attacking my neck whilst groping me. He showed his feelings through sex and as much as I love sex even I needed a break every now and then. Things came to a head at the end of that month when I got home from a late shift at the diner and Simon was already there waiting for me. �He grabbed my hair and stuffed his tongue in my mouth. I was too tired to fight so just stood there and took it. He soon realised that I wasnt responding and pushed me into the wall. �Just before I had walked through the door, Blaine had sent me a text message. "I know you always put up a front but youre stronger than you think you are. I just thought you should know. Blaine x" �Kurt smiled as he thought about one of the first texts Blaine had ever sent him. "Courage" it seemed like a lifetime ago but the message still rang true. �It was when Simon lifted his hand that I knew I was worth more than this. �I kneed him in the balls and pushed him out of my apartment. �Thankfully he never came back.

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By the time September rolled around I was getting ready to start my second year at NYADA and Rachel & Tina decided I needed to get out more and meet new people. What they really meant was "Kurt come with us because you need to get drunk & laid!" Sadly both of their wishes came true. I got very drunk and went home with Robert. I was a bit too drunk and wasnt really paying attention so got quite the surprise when after our first session, Robert tried to top. I say "tried" because really, Im not too sure what he hoped to achieve! I dont like to be cruel but he wasnt at all endowed!! He pushed me over the edge of his bed and didnt really attempt to prep me. I could feel something breach me but it didnt really seem to be doing much. From the sounds coming from behind me, Robert was having fun but I was getting bored. Then he called me "baby". Blaine used to call me baby. As soon as I started thinking of Blaine I could feel myself harden so I allowed myself to think of some of the things wed done. I thought back to one of the times when Blaine had me bent over his parents dining table. Hed held me down by putting his hand between my shoulder blades. His other hand held my hips in place as he pounded me from behind. I felt so owned but it was so amazing. �Robert put his hand between my shoulders and that was all it took for me to come. After I showered and put on my old clothes I left his apartment and never contacted him again. �

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When I failed the first of my finals at NYADA in May, Blaine had left me a voicemail. "Hey Kurt. Its me. I...um... I was thinking about you today. I hope youre ok and taking things easy. I know how much you worry & stress yourself out. So...just take a deep breath and kick some ass." I went in the next day and aced my next final. I also passed the resit of my first one too.

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No matter what Blaine has always been there for me. �It didnt really surprise me then when he appeared beside me in that dingy bar I found. I was drowning my grief in vodka when he appeared beside me. He hadnt known about Dad & Carol. He took me home with him and let me sleep off my drink. We stayed up all night just talking and reminiscing about Dad until about 3am. �It felt so simple and so easy. I told him I should have fought for him and that Id forgiven him for what had happened since I was just as much to blame as him. I asked for his forgiveness and he just stared at me. �I didnt know what to expect but he said he had nothing to forgive me for. ��

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Blaine agreed to be friends again. He still gives the best hugs. I missed him so much. We ended up falling asleep in each others arms. I dont know how it happened but it felt so right to be able to wake up in his arms. He seemed a bit shocked when we woke up later on. I was a bit shocked too! He walked me to the subway station and said hed call me when he got home from work. It got to 11pm last night and I began to feel a bit upset that he hadnt called.�

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I was getting ready for bed when he called me at quarter to midnight. He was full of apologies for not calling and explained that him & his staff had spent all day catching up with the backlog of a crashed server. We chatted easily until Rachel came crashing in about 2am and I realised what time it was. �

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But the best part? The best part was when he asked me out for dinner tonight. Im actually going on a date with Blaine! I skipped classes today to pick out my outfit! I know I shouldnt have but I wouldnt have been able to concentrate anyway! Blaines meeting me at the restaurant in about 20 minutes so I need to go. Its a 10 minute subway ride and I dont wanna be late.

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Im so excited DJ. I only hope I dont fuck it up this time!

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Wish me luck x