025 - A seed of hope

"I understand, Blaine," he says, unable to stop his body from jerking by the end of Blaine's little ramble. God, he understands now. Blaine has been so sorry for all this time for making Kurt feel bad, because he had to reject him… When Kurt had no place to even go and hit on him in the first place. Blaine feels genuinely guilty, Kurt can see it in his face. Blaine's guilty, because Kurt has been hurt, no matter how uncomfortable he might have made Blaine feel. Of course. So typically Blaine, always so selfless, so ready to think for others. And Kurt thought he was angry at him. He feels so stupid.

All this thinking takes just a few seconds though, until he focuses on Blaine again, and sees the strange sadness, vulnerability, still evident behind his eyes. Kurt thinks, if he can do anything to help, to be a person for Blaine to lean on for just a minute, like he has been to Kurt before, then no matter what he will try to be that. Because even if Blaine is not ever going to be his that way, they are still friends. Blaine's caring for his feelings shows that. And Kurt cares about Blaine's feelings equally much. So he takes a breath and goes on, pushing his own vulnerability, disappointment and hurt away this one time, because Blaine needs him.

/

"Just leave it, Rachel!" Kurt groans and puts a hand on his face, because he really doesn't want to see the sincerity in Rachel's eyes.

"But Kurt…"

"No, Rachel. I told you everything, every single thing that has happened with Blaine, and he does not care about me like that." Rachel huffs and opens her mouth to start again, but Kurt continues before she can do that. "No. I know you are a hopeless romantic and would like to see one of our favourite musicals become true but they aren't. Blaine has made it so blatantly clear that he wants to only be my friend and I'm not going to risk that. He is the best thing I have in this city; I'm not risking that."

Rachel huffs again, trying to complain, but Kurt beats her again. "Besides you, Rachel, you know that," he states firmly. Rachel deflates a little.

"Anyway, Rachel, we are talking about me. How could I even realistically date a guy? I can't even look people in the eye, or talk to them, without panicking. I'm pathetic, Rachel, there's no way Blaine would really ever like me, even if I did kid myself with that silly little crush earlier…" A pause. "I don't even know what I was thinking. Just because this guy is nice to me, I'm off starting to imagine I had a chance in hell.. There is no way.. no matter how much I may want it." Kurt's voice has been angry, but it is turning weaker every minute, quivering just a little in the end, and that makes Rachel want to do something to change this, whatever this is. Just talking without thinking doesn't seem to be working, so she needs to figure out her next move more carefully, because this is just not right.

So now Rachel is quiet, lost in thoughts, which is pretty rare to her. Kurt is the same, but his thoughts are not going anywhere, just rolling in the same realisations that he has made this day. His and Blaine's conversation just a few hours ago. The way Blaine had opened up to him. The way Blaine had told him why he had acted so weird. The way Blaine had admitted his own weakness, the ways in which he was imperfect, the ways in which Blaine was vulnerable in front of other people. Maybe Kurt doesn't have the same problems, but God, does he understand. He knows what it feels like to feel less than enough in front of people, of feeling unworthy. He feels so very sad for Blaine, because Blaine doesn't deserve any bad things in his life. Blaine is wonderful, the kind of person who is ready to give anything to make other people happy. Blaine, who has the brightest smile in the world and the warmest eyes, doesn't deserve to look as sad as he just did that day.

The saddest thing is, today also showed him that Blaine needs someone too, just like him. Before, he had thought Blaine was so far above him that Kurt was merely daydreaming of a guy that could just as well not exist, because to Kurt he was flawless, and thus not really a real person. But he has seen another side to Blaine. Blaine has been made painfully real to him, still perfect but now more reachable. A someone Kurt could trust even more than the Statue of Perfect Human Being that he was to Kurt before. And, don't get him wrong, he didn't really think Blaine was incapable of doing mistakes or anything inhuman like that before, either. It was just that now he can see Blaine too has weaknesses. He's not a superman anymore. And it just makes Kurt care for him that much more, makes his heart ache that much more to be with him, like that. But it is still just as impossible as it was yesterday.

Rachel has gone through some very similar paths of thought, but gotten to a very different conclusion.

"Kurt…" he starts slowly, biting her lip. "You told me Blaine said he was acting so weird before, because he was afraid he had hurt you by the rejection." Kurt raises his head and looks at Rachel suspiciously.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Well…" she hesitates. "I just thought how you told he looked really flustered while telling you this, like he really did care about what you thought, a lot. And I can't help but think, why would he care that much, if you were just a casual friend for him. Maybe there is more to it than-"

"Don't start writing some Harlequin novel out of this, ok? This is my life, this stuff is really happening." Kurt says, loudly, because he is so angry at Rachel for trying to plant these seeds of hope in his head, when he knows, is dead certain, that it's all empty, that there is no reality where that kind of hope would become true. Hope is only going to hurt more. And worse, him having foolish hope might just make Kurt act in ways that don't only hurt Kurt but Blaine as well. And that just can't happen.

"Kurt!" Rachel sounds angry now too, but more like she wants to rile Kurt up so he would pay attention to what she is saying, not really honestly angry at him. "This is your life, and that is exactly why this is important! You can't give up like this! And you certainly deserve this. And from what you've told me, Blaine deserves you, too." Kurt snorts, but Rachel stops him. "No, you listen to me this time," she says firmly. "You told me a lot about Blaine and I'm telling you something doesn't add up. From everything you have told me, him blushing after you flirted with him just before he seemingly rejected you-"

"Rachel, he flinched-"

"I know I know! But why would he blush before, if he was that repulsed by you?!" Rachel throws her hands in the air in desperation, and Kurt wants to do the same.

"I don't know why, Rachel! Why am I that repulsive?!"

Rachel looks suddenly really small, and really sad. "…You are not repulsive, Kurt. You're not." she says in small voice. Kurt doesn't answer. Rachel turns more desperate, pleading now, not even pausing to breathe in desperation to get it all out.

"Look, just listen to me this once, please. He blushed when you winked, but a minute later he flinched when you touched him. One of these actions doesn't make sense. There is something more to this than him just not liking your advances." Kurt stays silent and tries very hard to look like he is not listening. "And today, he was willing to tell you about his weaknesses, he opened up for you. Do you really think Blaine is the kind of guy, who opens up to just anyone about things that make him vulnerable?" Rachel thinks he hears a near silent 'no' huffed into a sofa pillow. This lets her feel more hopeful that her current tactics are working. "And, Kurt, the way you told he was worried about you being hurt by him, and also the fact that he spent an hour with you in the coffee shop looking, I quote you, 'relieved and happy', do you really believe that all of that doesn't mean anything at all?"

Kurt huffs his 'yes', but this time it's weaker, less confident, more like desperate self-preservation. Which it is. Because no matter how well he can act not listening, he can't help hearing. Rachel's words have planted a tiny seed of hope, and it's so very painful stuck there inside him, it feels like stab wound, because he can't really believe it could be nothing else but a source for a future pain. But it is there and it wont come out.

026 - A hit to the head

The room is eerily quiet, considering that he and Zach are both in there. Blaine has been lying motionless on his bed for over two hours now, but it's not because he is sleeping or tired. He is just not thinking about important things, as well as he can. Zach is watching some movie on his computer with headphones on, so Blaine can't hear anything. Blaine lets his thoughts wander in random directions, just as long as they don't touch the important subjects, because he doesn't want to do that. Today has been a day that potentially could trigger a lot of unpleasant but necessary thoughts and he really just doesn't want to think them. Zach, apparently, doesn't understand this.

"What is your problem this time, exactly?" Zach asks abruptly, taking his headphones off.

"W-what?" Blaine starts, stunned, mostly because the silence is broken so suddenly.

"Your subconscious was calling me to talk through whatever it is that's going on in your head with you, and I'm always at his service whenever he needs me, so that's what I'm doing. What's wrong?" Zach smiles, but his tone is firm. Blaine has no escape.

"Nothing." he mutters, but Zach won't have it.

"No way there is nothing wrong. You've been lying there like a mummy in progress, waiting for someone to salt you and wrap you in fabric. So spill." Blaine does.

He tells Zach all about the cool guy photo shoot incident from last week and how things have been since. He tells him about the weirdness around them after that and Blaine's desperation. He tells him about how Kurt found Aino and his non-jealousy about the subject. He tells about today and what they talked about. Blaine has been talking for about twenty minutes when he thinks he got it all and he looks back at Zach. Waiting for an answer of any kind. Zach looks at him weirdly.

"Wait a moment.. Let me just make sure I got this right." Blaine shrugs to say, go ahead, it's good if someone can manage that. "So, you were convinced that Kurt doesn't want a boyfriend out of you and doesn't need you crushing on him, so you tried to get rid of it. But then you couldn't and you felt bad, and when Kurt was flirting with you during the photo shoot, you shrank away from him, because you wanted to protect his innocence or some shit. Then Kurt was all cold and distant and you thought he was angry at you so you thought you needed to be more professional and less friendlike with him so you won't hurt him more. Then, God help you, he found another friend in this city and you felt not-jealous for it because you didn't have a right to feel so. Then your insecurities got hold of you and Kurt noticed it - and despite all your weirdness he wanted to help you and came to your rescue. And he told you he needs you. Did I miss something?"

Blaine has gone really small and is cuddling a pillow semi-desperately. The story doesn't sound so good when told like that. He shakes his head. Zach sighs.

"What the fuck is even happening in your head, Blaine!? I always knew you were oblivious, but I never thought you could manage this level of cluelessness." he half shouts to Blaine, sounding a bit frustrated. Blaine let out a startled sound and looks almost scared.

"What? Why are you angry at me?" he asks, a little bit indignant.

"What in the name of the devil made you think Kurt wouldn't want you to like him in the first place? Or made you so sure Kurt doesn't like you the same way? Just explain that to me, because from where I'm standing, it makes about as much sense as the amount of gel you sometimes put in your hair." That stops Blaine's moping and he starts to speak, to explain so Zach could see his point. He isn't so sure he saw it himself anymore.

"Look. Kurt has been through a lot, a lot more than I, or you, even know, so how can I just go and place my advances on him, when he already has so much things he needs to go through. I know my photography project is important to him, so I cannot ruin that by crushing on him now. I need to be what he needs me to be, I can't…"

"You can't what, Blaine?" Zach interrupts him, not angry at all but dead serious now. "Blaine, what makes you think you can decide what he does or doesn't need? You are not his therapist and you are not his superhero either, no matter what delusions you may nurture in your head."

"But, I don't even have a clue what all he has gone through, I can't accidentally hurt him more…"

"For once you are right. You don't have a clue, man. So don't pretend like you do and decide these things for him. He probably has no clue either, what to do in this situation, but it doesn't make you any more a hero. If you want to be fair with him, then get off your high horse, and don't decide what your relationship should be like. Be honest with yourself and with him and let it become what it wants to become. I'm not saying he is desperately in love with you, because I have no idea what he feels, but let him decide whether or not he likes you. You are afraid that you might hurt him, and you should be, because it's a very real possibility, probable even. But you can't decide this for him, it's his decision, what he can or cannot handle. Besides, you have no idea how your actions this far might have hurt him."

That makes Blaine recoil, as if the words physically hurt him. "I have never meant to hurt him!" he says, his voice pleading for some sort of comfort. Tough luck, because Zach is not giving him any. What Blaine needs now is a hit to the head, not a hug. Hugs can come later.

"I know you have your hero complex and a pathological need to help people, but have you ever even tried to think about this from his perspective, Blaine? How it might have felt to him when he, the shyest and most timid boy I've ever met, tried to flirt with you and you physically rejected him? In the worst way possible? Have you even thought what it means that he tried to flirt with you? What if it wasn't just a show, what if he really likes you that way too and you've been pushing him away, after first being so super friendly with him. And even if he just likes you as a friend only, you suddenly changing the whole dynamic between the two of you without explaining anything to him, do you think he is not going to take that badly? You think you telling him you like him when he doesn't feel the same would be painful for him, but he is fragile in many ways, in ways that you don't know, like you pointed out earlier. He doesn't have a hundred friends or a perfect self-confidence, so from what I see, what you do matters to him, a lot, Blaine. So don't be a selfish prick and just concentrate on what you think is good or bad for you and him. He doesn't need a superhero, he needs a human being."

Zach looks drained by the end of his little sermon. Blaine just feels numb, a little in pain, and more than a little stupid, even mortified. He has truly been thrown off his metaphorical white battle horse, ridded of his shining armour and divested of his knighthood. Oh God. The fall kind of really hurt. He tells Zach so. Zach says that's good, because it's supposed to.

"I'm an idiot, aren't I?" Blaine asks Zach, with a strangely hollow voice.

"Nah, it's ok." Zach says, more cheerily now. "Just try not to be the next time." Blaine thinks he really needs to remember that particular piece of advice.

"Thanks, Barney." A pillow hits his face, and they are back to normal.

027 - Defying gravity

It seems everything has gone to normal, if not even better than before, after their talk on Sunday. Kurt doesn't know what exactly made Blaine change, but Blaine seems more relaxed, more cheerful, more like he's being real and not trying to be anything. It's not a big change, it's very subtle, but Kurt notices because he is pretty invested in Blaine and what he does. He doesn't know what changed Blaine, but he does know his talk with Rachel had changed him too, just a little. In a way, he feels like he should be more reserved, and he is, a lot of the time. He holds back, he watches Blaine a lot and he keeps his thoughts more to himself. But he is also more free in some ways, because he can't help the little glimmer of hope inside, and it makes his eyes see more than what they used to through the lenses of not believing in himself one bit. It's not really like he believes that he has any chances with Blaine and love any more than before, but he's looking for it, searching it, because he can't help hoping. Even if hoping is painful. Even still.

The last few days have been nice, between the two of them. They have been considering their next options for photo shoots and spending more time drinking coffee in their regular place (because it has become a regular place by now). They've been talking, about nothing important, but talking none the less. It's more Blaine than Kurt, but that's fine. Kurt likes to listen to Blaine. Blaine seems to like to talk to him. It's all good. Kurt wishes it could be more, but even this is more than he would have ever believed he could have, and there is no way he could ever be disappointed with this, a real, simple and happy friendship with a person like Blaine.

Today, they meet for coffee after classes, but Kurt doesn't really feel like drinking coffee, and when Blaine arrives he seems to be consumed by some vibrant energy, like he can't just stay sitting in one place for long or he will blow up. He looks absolutely enthralled about something, like he has a wonderful idea that he thinks is perfect and can't wait to share let alone make happen. There is a nervous undertone to his fluttering, like he might be unsure what Kurt will think of it, but his excitement and cheerfulness is radiating and Kurt can't help but think that he would agree with anything that makes Blaine look like that. He can't stop the wide smile that comes to his lips before Blaine even says hello.

"You look happy today," Kurt says quietly, still smiling, because when Blaine smiles like that, no one could not smile with him, unless they have had a really crappy day. And Kurt hasn't.

"I am happy, Kurt! I have an idea," Blaine states, and Kurt chuckles, because that much was so obvious already when Blaine was still on the other side of the window.

"I can see. What is it?" he asks.

"Well.." Blaine hesitates, but can't stop himself in the end. "I remembered seeing a dream in your book that said you wanted to sing on a real broadway stage and it just hit me that we should do exactly that! I overheard some girls in the cafeteria earlier, discussing some rumour that two students had broken into the Gershwin theater just to sing on the stage and the guard who found them had understood their childhood dreams and let them sing before ushering them out. I mean, isn't that great? And romantic? And I just immediately thought, we have to try this! It's your dream and I want to take a photo of you on a real Broadway stage!" Blaine looks so happy, and so very serious about this. Kurt feels scared, then a tiny bit of secret yearning, and then even more scared.

"Blaine… breaking into a theatre, that's just… no way we can do something like that.. I…" he doesn't know what to say. Blaine's excitement falls down just a little and it really pains Kurt that it was he who dampened Blaine's excitement. He want's to do anything to keep it there, but this.. this is just a bit too much.

"Yeah…" Blaine sighs. "I guess you're right." He looks fallen, but then he looks at Kurt again with his normal, not-excited-out-of-his-mind but still excited smile. "Maybe we could still do this dream, just take photos in front of the theatre and maybe go eat a dinner afterwards, in some fancy restaurant worthy of a broadway star, if we can't actually get you on the stage." Kurt smiles and nods, because this he can do, and, going out with Blaine doesn't sound that bad at all.

"Right now?" Kurt asks, still a bit apprehensive.

"Why not?" Blaine asks. So they go. They take a cap, and suddenly there they are sitting next to each other in the backseat of a taxi, not speaking much, but Blaine looks so easy and happy and Kurt feels Blaine's closeness as little pleasant pin prickles on his skin. Even if he is never going to have more, here he is, sitting with this wonderful friend, doing something spontaneous and fun and who cares if it's scary because it's really all for Kurt and his dreams. What could be better?

When they stand in front of the theatre, Blaine puts Kurt to stand in front of the building so he can get a picture of Kurt and the Wicked show ad. Kurt looks at Blaine and his camera and suddenly he sees it's not enough for Blaine. It's not going to be enough. Blaine wants to get inside. He watches Blaine's face as he stares at the door and thinks. He sees the exact moment when contemplation turns into determination, and Kurt thinks, here we go… Blaine runs to the door and tries it. It's open.

Kurt feels unreal, like this is just not something Kurt Hummel should do, would ever even think of doing, but right now, Blaine is holding his hand and pulling him inside the empty theatre. They find a door again, and there is the stage for Wicked, right in front of them, calling for Kurt. He can't resist. He knows he would never really be able to sing in front of an audience like in this place, he had barely been able to open his mouth to sing back-up lines during the few months he had been in Glee, but he remembers all the times when he was a kid and his mom was still there and life was still simple and he danced to the music of Wicked and told his mom how he would be singing on that CD one day. He walks down to the stage. Blaine must have followed him, but he can only really concentrate on the stage and what it symbolises to him. Miraculously, no one has found them yet and he is standing on the same stage where they still play Wicked every night, and he feels so reckless, he has broken into a theatre and it feels exhilarating. He feels free. He feels like he could fly if he tried.

He opens his mouth and the words for Defying gravity are coming from his mouth without any conscious thought. He finds himself singing, very quietly and under his breath, but singing on a broadway stage nonetheless.

"Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity…"

Blaine is taking a picture. "you won't bring me down…" he whispers and even the whisper echoes in the empty hall.

Then they hear someone come in. A guard is shouting at them. The moment shatters but the exhilaration and the adrenaline stays. They run up the stairs to the guard and he seems angry but not too angry. After their breathless explanations that don't make much sense, their promises to leave immediately and Blaine deleting all the photos he has taken in front of the guard's watchful eyes, they find themselves in front of the theatre again, laughing in relief and excitement and because of all the adrenaline still running in their veins. And somehow, this has become a moment for Kurt, a moment in time that he knows he will always remember.

"Oh God," Blaine laughs, trying to catch his breath. "That was close."

"Yeah," Kurt breathes, still not really believing what just happened and that they actually just got away without any further problems. Blaine looks at him when the laughter finally dies, and his eyes are warm and happy.

"You sang on a real broadway stage."

"I did." Still the unbelief.

"I wish I still had the photos. The guard made me delete them all." Blaine looks apologetic at that. Kurt smiles at him reassuringly, because really, with or without the photos, that was unbelievable and Blaine is unbelievable.

"I don't need a photo to make a dream come true," he says, and he grins, because that is so very true. He takes the Book of dreams out of his back, and finds the right page to strike through his broadway dream. He may never sing to a real audience on that stage, but he sang there today and that is all he needs. He closes the book gently. Blaine looks at him like he has something to say.

"What?" Kurt asks.

"Maybe we can do another dream, as we have no photo evidence left of that last one. Like a two for one deal." Blaine smiles a lovely, possibly a little mischievous, crooked smile.

"Which dream would that be?"

"Any! Which ever! Say, the dream number… 61!" Blaine announces with a happy, silly voice. Without thinking Kurt opens the book and shuffles through the pages until he finds the dream number 61. He finds it, he reads it, and suddenly his elation is all gone. Fallen down. Vanished. He blushes and he feels a little desperate. He can't tell this one to Blaine. Blaine can't see this. But Blaine is already reading over his shoulder.

"61. I just want to kiss a nice guy on the lips." he recites. His smile turns into a serious face now. The whole mood is changed, into something totally different, something strange, something … charged. Blaine's turned to face Kurt completely now and his stare is intense as his eyes dart between Kurt's. Suddenly Kurt notices how close they are standing, just the open book between their chests and he gulps but doesn't step away.

"Am I nice enough to count..?" Blaine asks, quietly, but before Kurt can even think to answer, Blaine's lips are on his. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know if he's capable of thinking. Or capable of breathing or moving. He wouldn't know if his heart was beating right now, but his blood is rushing in his ears, so it must be. His heart is beating and the Book of dreams is digging uncomfortably to his stomach and Blaine is kissing him, full on the mouth.