April 9, 2013, 10:33 a.m.
Kiss me goodbye: Epilogue
M - Words: 6,008 - Last Updated: Apr 09, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 25/25 - Created: Oct 19, 2012 - Updated: Apr 13, 2022 138 0 0 0 1
The trauma surgeon
It's a little after four pm as Anita Anderson sits in her lounge chair, basking in the rays of the late afternoon sun. It's a beautiful Saturday, in the beginning of June. She's thinking about the phone call she got that morning, from her son's boyfriend. He had asked her if she and Henry would be at home in the evening, and when she'd answered yes, he had only told her to be ready for a call, in case Blaine happens to need them for some reason. It had been weird, at first, but then she had got a very strong suspicion of what is going on. She's not sure, not yet, as she couldn't get anything further out of the young man, but he had sounded excited and slightly nervous, and she very much hopes her suspicion is right. She thinks how much life has changed, that this is what she wants now for her son, more than anything else.
As she feels the shadow of the single tree on their yard slowly creep on her, she feels it like the past taking over. She thinks about her job as a trauma surgeon, and how far she's gotten. She's good at her job and she's widely respected in the field as a skilled and caring doctor. In her life she's put a lot of effort to her profession, first to her studies and later to always doing her best and always aiming for better. It's how her mother taught her to be, she taught her that it's her duty, as a woman and as a member of an ethnic minority, to show the world that she can be as good as, if not better than anyone else. She'd made her mother proud. She had got at the top of her profession and then married an equally successful businessman and had two beautiful, skilled children.
Her father, too, had taught her to never give less than her all. He had been there to cheer her on, always telling her she could be better, could do better, because she's his and her mother's son and she's capable of anything. And as she was always a driven, ambitious girl, it had felt good and right. She had the best parents, who had done so much for her. Her life had turn out so good thanks to their support, and that's what she had always wanted to offer her sons, too.
Her oldest son, Cooper, had been stubborn, and she and her husband hadn't always understood his passion for acting and his flair for drama, but he always had his parents drive for making it big. It had taken them some time, but they had figured it out eventually, and accepted his career of choice, supporting him the best they could. They are proud of their son and his determination, and she feels they have done well with him. The problem is, that her second son is and never was like them, like her, and she knows that they failed with him.
Blaine was a shy and considerate child, always helping around and seldom fought or had tantrums. He had always been interested in arts, and music, and despite being good at school, he wasn't passionate about it the same way as she had always been. When Blaine was small, she had given him space, but eventually she lost common ground with her growing boy. Of course she loved him and wanted the best for him, but she didn't understand him or what he needed. She tried to use her parents methods on him, trying to get him to do his best in everything, because that's what she knew about raising kids.
And outwardly it had worked: Blaine always did his best, in school and with everything else too. But something had been awkward, distant, like there was a wall between Blaine and the others in the family, like none of them could be truly at ease with each other. She hadn't known why, she had just continued with the way she knew, as she didn't know what else to do or what to change. And she knew her husband was the same, they were both too busy to fully concentrate on if Blaine was truly happy, and as he was always outwardly the perfect son, with perfect grades and always attentive and kind, always smiling and saying he was happy, they hadn't done anything. It's one of her biggest regrets, one that she will always try to make right now.
Three years ago at Christmas she had heard her son speak against them for the first time in years. And she had been truly shocked to hear that the support and push they had tried to give him had been the thing that kept their son on edge and feeling unsure and unloved in his own home. It had shocked her to the core, and made her revalue and rethink so many things in her life and how things had been with Blaine. It was painful for her, as a mother, to realise how much she had unknowingly hurt him. And she knew her husband was feeling it too. They have done their best to change since, but it wasn't easy, because tearing down walls of mistrust, misunderstanding, pretending and hurt feelings is not an easy task.
But now, she'd like to think that they had gotten better. She still doesn't fully understand the way her son doesn't desire to be the most successful he can be and aim for the top. But she knows now, that it's not the way to live for him and it wouldn't make him happy. She knows that he does photography because he truly enjoys the art and the joy of his profession, that he doesn't care for money or being looked up to. She has seen how excited Blaine is to have gotten the job at a smallish news paper, loving it because he has freedom there to use his artistic vision, ans she knows he's happy. And she's learned to accept that, and respect it, and now she knows him enough, that her biggest wish for him is to be happy in the way she knows he wants to, not the way she herself is.
So, today she got a phone call from Kurt, the boy she has learned to care for, because she knows he makes Blaine happy, the boy who always understands and supports him, the way that she wasn't able to for so long. As she lies in the sun, waiting for Henry to return so she can tell him about what she thinks they will hear that evening, when the boys call, the only thing she feels is happiness settling in deep.
The nurse
Carole Hummel is sitting on the sofa, leaning on the shoulder of her freshly showered husband, after his return from a half day working in the auto shop. He has been reducing his working hours, mostly because of his doctor's orders, as he hasn't been as strong as he once was, after his heart attack a few years ago. He's healthy and has no big problems with his heart, but it's always a risk, and as there's no shortage of money, there's no harm in taking it a little easier. Carole is happy that Burt had agreed, as she plans to keep him around for much longer. The memory of that heart attack is always there, and the fright it gave their family stays in their minds, but it's pushed back and contained, because there is no use worrying, just doing their best to make sure there's no reason to worry.
She's so happy that she found him, because her life has become so much fuller since. After her late husband died, she had been alone with her little son, struggling with a nurse's salary, but she had done well enough, she thinks. But then her son had grown up and started becoming less dependent on her, and she had felt the nearing loneliness, when he would eventually leave her to pursue his own life. But with Burt, she had gained a husband, a lover and a best friend, as well as another son for her to love and care for. Because even though they got married quite late, Kurt has become her son in every relevant meaning of the word.
She had seen her first as the shy, insecure boy he was then, but it had been amazing to see him slowly but surely come out of his shell after he moved to New York. Of course he's still the same boy, obsessed with books and slightly shy, but now he smiles in a way that tells about contentment and some sort of quiet confidence, and now he's going for what he really wants in life, with all his determination. He had changed his major into creative writing during his second year, although he still studied literature as well, and he is going to graduate this summer. She also knows he's currently finishing up his first poetry book and is planning to send it to various publishing houses. She's so proud of him. And she knows that so much of that happiness is because of one certain young man, the boyfriend that she had worried about at first but who had then turned out to be exactly perfect for Kurt. The boyfriend who would hopefully become much more than that, eventually.
So now she and Burt are watching tv, lazying around and trying to be as if nothing is going on, even though they both know exactly what is going to happen tonight, and she knows both of them are boiling inside with nerves and excitement and hope. They had heard all about Kurt's plans for today, and she couldn't be happier for him. She just hopes everything will go like they all want it to, and she's pretty sure it will, because honestly, there's really not much doubt here.
The broadway-star-to-be
Rachel Berry is a refined girl who does not snore, and even more certainly does not drool, and she resents her boyfriend for telling her otherwise. She may have fallen asleep for a while on the sofa, slumbering on him, but that doesn't give him any right to lay false accusations. Even if he says it's cute, it doesn't make it any less horrifying. She thinks that three years ago, she would have jumped up and had a diva fit, but the truth is that she's matured enough to not react quite as strongly to everything as she used to. It doesn't make her any less opinionated or curious or prone to acting without thinking of the consequences, but she does know, nowadays, when overreacting is actually useful and when it's just too much over nothing. So she glares at the guy and then turns away so he can't see her smug smile at his slightly intimidated face. She can't help the giggle, though, and just like that, she's busted.
She's feeling just a little overactive with nerves, despite having just woken up, because today is a Very Special Saturday. It's special for several reasons. The first is that she has finally graduated from NYADA and she had been at her first audition as a NYADA graduate yesterday, and it's still manifesting today as some sort of post-audition nerves. It's a big part, and there's a hope that she might actually have a chance to get it. The second big thing is that her best friend,her boyfriend's brother, has some very special plans, that she had been helping him with, mostly on her own insistence. It's all happening that night, finally, and she can't wait to be informed of the results of said plans. Saying she's impatient might be a slight understatement.
Yeah, so, she's dating her best friend's brother, which might be a little strange, except that it really isn't. If anything, it's bringing them all closer together, her, Kurt, Blaine and Finn. She had known Finn during the High School years, of course, because who in McKinley didn't? He was the quarter back after all. But besides their brief stint in Glee club, they hadn't had anything in common, and they were most certainly not friends. Kurt hadn't had the best relationship with Finn then, so even if Rachel was one of those girls who secretly - or not so secretly - had a crush on the popular boy, she wouldn't have wanted to betray Kurt by pursuing something with his problematic step-brother. But then, after they'd all left for college, Kurt and Finn had connected in a new way, and when Finn moved to New York a year later to get his teacher's permit, she had met him again. And now that there were no issues of solidarity or school hierarchy, her crush had returned ten-fold.
Finn had fallen for her too, and some night a few weeks after they'd started dating he had admitted to having had his own little crush on her in high school, even if she had been one of the social outcasts. He had apologised to her for following the high school rules and not helping her or Kurt with the bullying. He also said he was sorry for not pursuing anything with Rachel back then, but even Rachel could admit now that she was a bit much at that age (she had worn knitted shirts with kittens and giant strawberries, for god's sake! - although the kitten ones still have a soft spot in her heart), and that maybe it's better that they only found each other now. It's okay, because they're together now, and that is what matters the most. They're happy, getting on with their lives, following their dreams, and today they would hopefully witness another big dream being realised by their best friends slash brothers.
So now, as she tries to get rid of the last remains of sleep in her brain, eighty percent of which is already on overdrive, she furtively wipes her slightly wet cheek (which is NOT wet with drool, thank you very much) and turns around to look her ridiculously tall boyfriend deep in the eyes. Finn smiles and wipes a tiny bit of drool that is still left from the corner of her mouth, and then asks, carefully.
"Why do you think Kurt decided to do this first? I mean.. he's kind of a shy dude, still. Do you think he's going to dare to go through with it?" Finn sounds unsure, but she doesn't depict any negative thoughts about her best friend in his tone, despite the words. It really sounds just like what she knows he meant - like a brother who wants everything good for their brother and is worried for their sake.
"Oh please!" Rachel rolls her eyes, before smiling fondly, partly to Finn and his caring and partly to the bravery of her best friend. "Kurt is the ballsiest guy you know. You've told me that before. He's gonna do it and he's going to be fabulous!"
The teacher hopeful
Aino Pohjola is a calm, collected and confident girl, who definitely does not get nervous about things that she knows she can handle. Like moving back to a foreign country that is not so foreign anymore, with her boyfriend for over three years, for the purpose of finding a job and settling down in the Big Apple. She had already moved there once before, and she was alone then, even, so it's not like it's something completely new. But the thing is, she still is very much nervous. It's one thing to move to a country for a year, knowing that you'll just be a guest, that you'll spend your time finding new friends and studying, knowing that soon you will return back to the familiar. And it's completely another thing to move to a foreign country with the knowledge that you will stay, maybe not for forever but at least for an unknown length of time, knowing that you will have to find your place in there, make a home and belong.
The last four years have been eventful. First she had been in this same city as an exchange student, and met some of the people she nowadays considers her best friends. She had also met the interesting and yet hard to read boy, who later had become the first and only long-term boyfriend she's had. Their relationship is unique, and came with a lot of troubles, because of their sexual orientations as well as their cultural differences and the distance between the places they called 'home'. But they are good for each other, as perfect as two people can be, total opposites at some things and yet so similar in the points that really mattered, like values and morals and views of a fulfilling relationship. And that is what she believes has kept them together this long, despite everything that has been against them.
Zach had moved with her to Finland for a year, studying journalism, and Finnish language just for the heck of it. He had returned back to New York for a year to finish his degree, and that year apart had been hard for them, but they had made it. Maybe it helped that their relationship wasn't so heavily based on the physical than most relationships are, and maybe it was also because they were both so busy, Zach studying more than normal to finish earlier and Aino starting her master's thesis and doing the teacher practise at the same time. In any case, they made it mostly unharmed and then Zach spent her last year of uni in Finland, as he'd managed to find a great job for an English language newspaper in Finland, that took him in as an American voice of sorts.
But now, Aino had her masters and they had both decided to go back to New York, because it was only logical after all, to try life in their other home as well. Zach had lived in Finland with her, learning the language and the culture and, if he was telling the truth, honestly learning to think of the place as his own. Now it's Aino's turn to do the same with him in USA, making New York her home. She has a minor in education from the country that is widely known for having the best educational system in the world, so she had already gotten a possible job offer at a private school as a European history and literature teacher.
So now she's sitting on a hotel bed, tired after a long flight and waiting for her boyfriend to finish his shower so they can take a nap together, before they go surprise their friends at a party that will hopefully happen that evening. All their friends know they were coming, but they are expecting them a week from now, as was originally planned. But there had been nothing really preventing them from leaving earlier, and as they had heard about the plans of their friend, they had decided to come sooner to be a part of those plans.
Although, after the long flight Aino is doubting how long she will be able to stay in any kind of party, as her eyes are drooping shut against her will right now. Eventually Zach returns, still towelling his wet hair, and lies beside her, pulling her in his arms.
"Hey, rakas." he murmurs into her hair and yawns. "I think I'm going to crash any second now. I need every second of rest if I'm going to actually be in some party drinking and celebrating and being subjected to all the welcome hugs and congratulation hugs and what ever else hugs there's gonna be." She smiles at his voice, which is dead tired but still so happy, even if he tries to go for sarcastic.
"Then sleep. Believe me, I'm not any better." She yawns ridiculously big, as a perfect demonstration of her words. Zach chuckles and kisses her nose.
"Sleep well. Kauniita unia."
"You too," she mutters and can feel Zach falling into sleep before she even gets the words out properly. She thinks of the way those words come out of Zach's mouth so naturally now, and yet they sound so distinctive, clearly different from the way her own people would say it. It only makes it better, something of their own. It's pretty in it's imperfectness.
She thinks about the man behind him, and how she's never once had sex with him, and only occasionally sees him naked. She thinks about how they kiss so often, and always filled with deep emotions, but it's never those kind of passionate, deep french kisses that she's seen in the movies. She thinks about this man, who loves her deeply, but does not want her sexually. She thinks of how he can admire the beauty or her body, without lusting it, instead admiring it only as the physical appearance of the girl he loves. She thinks of how she sometimes uses the images of Zach as a material of her own fantasies as she masturbates, but there's no resentment in there, no secrets or hidden feelings. Zach knows it and accepts it, is even glad that he is interesting to her in that way, even if he can't reciprocate the feeling of sexual need. And she understands Zach enough to not resent him for not wanting her that way - it's just nature after all. It's how he is, how the two of them are.
She's satisfied. She's happy. Because she has a guy who is wonderful company, funny and bright, supportive, always there for her and who loves her more deeply than she can sometimes comprehend. And it's not like every couple on this planet, it's different and hard for others to get, but she's content, because love is the most important thing. To her, sex is simply not that important, and she's happy enough on her own on that front, and she would never give up such a great person for something so inconsequential as sex. And she knows it wouldn't be like that for most people, knows that most people would never be truly happy in a relationship like theirs.. But she's just glad that it works for them.
As she slowly drifts to sleep, she thinks of their two best friends, and how much this day will mean to them, and she hopes - no, she knows - that they are and will continue to be just as happy.
The poet
Kurt knows very well that this is the day to not be late. Which is why his frustration grows exponentially at every obstacle he meets that day, and as the time just flies by way too fast. He's asked Blaine to be free that evening for a casual date, failing to mention that he's got a smallish surprise for Blaine at one point. The day needs to be perfect, and at least the weather is on his side, even if nothing else is. The sun is shining and it's warm and nice, a perfect day to have a picnic in the Central Park.. if they ever get there, that is. Which doesn't look so good, at the moment.
He's currently searching for jobs and it's kind of important, so when he was asked to an interview for a temporary position as a columnist/blogger in a smallish fashion magazine, and told that it would have to be that morning, he just couldn't turn it down, no matter how important the day is. So he had been there, and as he was so full of nerves about the rest of the day, he had kind of forgotten to be nervous about the interview, so it had gone pretty well in the end. But now it means that he's barely got time to do everything he needs and be in time to meet Blaine by the time he gets off work.
First, the girl he needed to meet, to discuss some stuff and make sure they got the time and place absolutely right, had been late. Then, when he got that settled, the grocery store had been totally full as he searched for all the things he needed for a light picnic, and he had to stand in the line for half an eternity. Then, when he got to the florist, there had been an old lady in the line before him, who didn't know what she wanted and wasn't satisfied with any suggestions given to her. Luckily Kurt at least had a clear idea of what kind of flowers he wanted, so it was easily done once his turn finally came.
And then he took a taxi to Blaine's work place, convinced that the metro was going to be late for sure, only to find himself stuck in traffic. Which he clearly knows is much more likely than the metro being late, and would have realised if he'd stopped and thought about it for more than one second. He's too nervous to even glance at the time once, so he's reasonably surprised when he finally gets to the destination and realises he's half an hour early and has nothing to do but wait for Blaine and try to not spontaneously combust.
As he waits, the significance of the day really hits him, although it really shouldn't be such a surprise, after spending so much time contemplating and planning this, and then deciding it's finally time to do it. A lot has changed in their lives recently. Being together as students had been nice and stable. Eventually, after two years of dating and Blaine finally getting his degree, they had found an apartment together. It had been a big change, and they'd had to make some adjustments and compromises in their life, but falling asleep every night listening to Blaine's breathing and waking up to his light snores every morning was definitely worth it. And now, Kurt had graduated, and it was pretty scary thing, leaving the student world behind and venturing to the unknown world of jobs and full-day jobs. Also, if everything went well, he would soon be a published poet, and wasn't that a scary and wonderful thought. So, a lot had changed.
But now, today, there's going to be one more step in growing up and creating the life he wants - they want, hopefully. He's going to realise one of the biggest dreams in the Book of Dreams he once had. And he knows this because, as his dad had said years ago, the physical book might be gone but he really does remember the dreams that truly matter. Like this particular one. He thinks about his mother, and hopes she would be proud of him today. Happy for him. And he's pretty sure she is.
By the time Blaine gets out of the building, nearly ten minutes late, Kurt is so lost in thought that he jumps when Blaine comes and puts his arms around him from behind. He settles in their familiarity soon, though.
"Hmm, hello, Night sky." Blaine says into his neck and then Kurt turns around, facing him, smiling wide.
"Hey, Little!" He tries to act casual, but he's pretty sure the jittery nerves are showing haven't actually used those nicknames that often these days, but they do sometimes come out, in special moments - like just now - and he wonders if Blaine has caught up to the importance of the day, as he started it. Blaine doesn't comment on it, though, at least not yet, which Kurt is thankful for.
"What's the occasion?" Blaine asks, pointing at the flowers Kurt had temporarily forgotten.
"Oh." Right. Flowers. Kurt offers them to Blaine, who takes the small bouquet of yellow and red roses with a happy smile and presses his nose in them appreciatively.
"No occasion," Kurt shrugs, trying for nonchalant but trying a bit too hard to really succeed. Blaine quirks his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything more. Kurt thinks about the picnic and the party that will hopefully happen afterwards (and thank God Rachel had promised to take care of that!) and then realises the flowers might be a bit of a nuisance to carry around all day. He really wants them to last, so he suggests Blaine to bring them upstairs to his workplace for safekeeping. Blaine considers the picnic basket in Kurt's hands, and probably realises what they are going to do as he agrees to get the flowers into water upstairs. As he makes a quick trip back to the office, Kurt prays for something, anything, to keep him from blurting out everything ahead of time and ruining the whole plan. It's not even a complicated plan, so it's not unreasonable to actually stay in it. He's just afraid he's going to burst, that's all.
The photographer
When Blaine gets back without the flowers, Kurt leads them both to the metro. When they get out near the Central Park, he connects the location with the picnic basket, and figures that's where they are heading. Blaine has no problem with it. A beautiful Saturday afternoon picnic in the Central Park might be the biggest cliché on earth, but it's also a cliché for a reason. Because it's really a pretty nice way to spend a day with your boyfriend. The park is predictably pretty packed, but Kurt seems to know where they are going, so Blaine just follows.
They chatter as they walk, and ever since they met in front of his building (and frankly, for the last week or two as well) Blaine can't help but notice how nervous Kurt is. Not the bad kind of nervous though, so he's not worried. It's just that he knows Kurt well enough to know when there's something going on, and if he's not completely mistaken, something big is going on today. But he also sees that Kurt is trying his best to keep it a secret, so Blaine doesn't want to ruin anything by asking. He's quite sure he's going to find out soon, anyway.
After a few minutes of walking, he notices one of his favourite street artists, a youngish girl who plays her own interpretations of old and new popular songs with her acoustic guitar and sings them with a voice that is both pretty and unique. Blaine has seen her around often enough to know that she's pretty much doing this for a living. Somehow there's some free space on the grass near to where she's sitting on a bench and playing, even though there's a small crowd around her, listening. He turns to ask Kurt if they can stop to listen, as well, but Kurt is pulling him to the empty spot before he even gets to saying it. It makes Blaine pretty think that this is somehow planned, although he can't yet sum everything up, because why would the girl save them a place, like it almost seems she has, and why would she even know them?
Kurt puts the small light blanket on the grass and they sit down and eat for a while, although it seems that Kurt is too jittery to actually get food down his throat. After a while, Blaine has finally had enough of that.
"Kurt?" Kurt looks up at him, questioning. "What's really going on here?" he asks, and watches Kurt turn pink. He almost wants to laugh at the adorableness of it, but doesn't, because obviously this is something important. There's a little nagging suspicion in the back of his head, that has been there since yesterday, when Kurt asked him for a surprise date, sounding so uncharacteristically nervous. But he doesn't really dare to hope that, yet.. Even though, it would make a lot of things make sense… Kurt seems to tense for a second, and then he finally relaxes, the way he always does when he gets to the point when he absolutely has to step up and win whatever insecurities have come up. Blaine watches Kurt brace himself, feeling so much in love with his wonderful boyfriend.
"Ok.. ok, let's do this," Kurt mutters, obviously to himself. Then he looks up and takes Blaine's hands, and somehow, even though Kurt hasn't even said anything yet, his expression alone makes Blaine's suspicion much much stronger. Oh, God. He really wishes it would be that.
"Blaine.. You know I've been learning to write songs, just, you know, learning.. And I'm not that good, so I haven't let you hear them, as you also know. There's actually another reason for that, too. Anyway. I want to sing you one now.. I wrote it for you. And I hope you'll get the gist of it, so that I don't have to explain it." Kurt chuckles and looks flustered, but excited too, and very determined. And Blaine, well, Blaine just enjoys. Even if it's not what he earlier thought it might be, it's big, because Kurt is going to show him one more vulnerable part of himself, and it's such a perfect day, a perfect moment in every way. "It's called 'Thousand times yes' - which I hope you'll say to me later - but first.. I'll just get to it."
Then, as if ordered, (and it seems like she's watching them, so maybe it's not a coincidence at all?) the girl with the guitar ends her song and doesn't immediately start a new one. She turns to them instead, and looks at Kurt with questioning eyebrows, way too familiarly for them to be total strangers, and something just doesn't add up. Then she starts to thrum her guitar, just a simple back up chords, and it's not something she usually plays, as far as Blaine can recognise. After a short intro, Kurt starts to sing, eyes boring into Blaine's, and it takes Blaine at least two seconds more to realise that she's playing Kurt's song. That her playing and Kurt's singing is connected.. And then he gets lost in the melody and the lyrics.
You opened my eyes, took me for a ride
in the wide world around us, where I couldn't hide
I might've been scared but you made sure I smiled
you got my heart bared and it was beating like wild
Could this really be…?
and I felt doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away by a flood of
You and your smile
you took a photo and showed me my face, so nowadays
Me and my smile
are all for you and these beautiful days, so would you
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?
Are you asking me what I think you are?
The first time we kissed I panicked and ran
The second was angry, but by third I was a fan
and somewhere along I kinda lost count
But, anyway, when ever you're there
I still feel doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away every time I see
You and your smile
you stole my heart and removed my mask, so these days
Me and my smile
are all for you. And one day I'll ask, so would you
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?
It has to be…
I could ask you a million things
why did you choose me
how does the sun light your hair just so
but you know which question I mean, so here goes…
Kurt takes a deep breath, and Blaine is pretty sure he knows exactly what question Kurt means.
You and your smile
mean love and safety and courage to me, and giving you
me and my smile
I wonder what am I waiting for? So will you
say "yes, a thousand times yes"… as I ask you now.
When the song slows down, and Kurt looks at him in the way that says 'I love you' and 'please say what I want you to say' and 'please say it now', and somewhere in the back of his mind Blaine realises that the girl has stopped playing and is looking at them expectantly, but the only thing he really can think of is how much he really loves this man and that it's pretty hard to breathe all of a sudden and the question. The question that just then, finally, comes out of Kurt's mouth.
The trauma surgeon
It's a little after four pm as Anita Anderson sits in her lounge chair, basking in the rays of the late afternoon sun. It's a beautiful Saturday, in the beginning of June. She's thinking about the phone call she got that morning, from her son's boyfriend. He had asked her if she and Henry would be at home in the evening, and when she'd answered yes, he had only told her to be ready for a call, in case Blaine happens to need them for some reason. It had been weird, at first, but then she had got a very strong suspicion of what is going on. She's not sure, not yet, as she couldn't get anything further out of the young man, but he had sounded excited and slightly nervous, and she very much hopes her suspicion is right. She thinks how much life has changed, that this is what she wants now for her son, more than anything else.
As she feels the shadow of the single tree on their yard slowly creep on her, she feels it like the past taking over. She thinks about her job as a trauma surgeon, and how far she's gotten. She's good at her job and she's widely respected in the field as a skilled and caring doctor. In her life she's put a lot of effort to her profession, first to her studies and later to always doing her best and always aiming for better. It's how her mother taught her to be, she taught her that it's her duty, as a woman and as a member of an ethnic minority, to show the world that she can be as good as, if not better than anyone else. She'd made her mother proud. She had got at the top of her profession and then married an equally successful businessman and had two beautiful, skilled children.
Her father, too, had taught her to never give less than her all. He had been there to cheer her on, always telling her she could be better, could do better, because she's his and her mother's son and she's capable of anything. And as she was always a driven, ambitious girl, it had felt good and right. She had the best parents, who had done so much for her. Her life had turn out so good thanks to their support, and that's what she had always wanted to offer her sons, too.
Her oldest son, Cooper, had been stubborn, and she and her husband hadn't always understood his passion for acting and his flair for drama, but he always had his parents drive for making it big. It had taken them some time, but they had figured it out eventually, and accepted his career of choice, supporting him the best they could. They are proud of their son and his determination, and she feels they have done well with him. The problem is, that her second son is and never was like them, like her, and she knows that they failed with him.
Blaine was a shy and considerate child, always helping around and seldom fought or had tantrums. He had always been interested in arts, and music, and despite being good at school, he wasn't passionate about it the same way as she had always been. When Blaine was small, she had given him space, but eventually she lost common ground with her growing boy. Of course she loved him and wanted the best for him, but she didn't understand him or what he needed. She tried to use her parents methods on him, trying to get him to do his best in everything, because that's what she knew about raising kids.
And outwardly it had worked: Blaine always did his best, in school and with everything else too. But something had been awkward, distant, like there was a wall between Blaine and the others in the family, like none of them could be truly at ease with each other. She hadn't known why, she had just continued with the way she knew, as she didn't know what else to do or what to change. And she knew her husband was the same, they were both too busy to fully concentrate on if Blaine was truly happy, and as he was always outwardly the perfect son, with perfect grades and always attentive and kind, always smiling and saying he was happy, they hadn't done anything. It's one of her biggest regrets, one that she will always try to make right now.
Three years ago at Christmas she had heard her son speak against them for the first time in years. And she had been truly shocked to hear that the support and push they had tried to give him had been the thing that kept their son on edge and feeling unsure and unloved in his own home. It had shocked her to the core, and made her revalue and rethink so many things in her life and how things had been with Blaine. It was painful for her, as a mother, to realise how much she had unknowingly hurt him. And she knew her husband was feeling it too. They have done their best to change since, but it wasn't easy, because tearing down walls of mistrust, misunderstanding, pretending and hurt feelings is not an easy task.
But now, she'd like to think that they had gotten better. She still doesn't fully understand the way her son doesn't desire to be the most successful he can be and aim for the top. But she knows now, that it's not the way to live for him and it wouldn't make him happy. She knows that he does photography because he truly enjoys the art and the joy of his profession, that he doesn't care for money or being looked up to. She has seen how excited Blaine is to have gotten the job at a smallish news paper, loving it because he has freedom there to use his artistic vision, ans she knows he's happy. And she's learned to accept that, and respect it, and now she knows him enough, that her biggest wish for him is to be happy in the way she knows he wants to, not the way she herself is.
So, today she got a phone call from Kurt, the boy she has learned to care for, because she knows he makes Blaine happy, the boy who always understands and supports him, the way that she wasn't able to for so long. As she lies in the sun, waiting for Henry to return so she can tell him about what she thinks they will hear that evening, when the boys call, the only thing she feels is happiness settling in deep.
The nurse
Carole Hummel is sitting on the sofa, leaning on the shoulder of her freshly showered husband, after his return from a half day working in the auto shop. He has been reducing his working hours, mostly because of his doctor's orders, as he hasn't been as strong as he once was, after his heart attack a few years ago. He's healthy and has no big problems with his heart, but it's always a risk, and as there's no shortage of money, there's no harm in taking it a little easier. Carole is happy that Burt had agreed, as she plans to keep him around for much longer. The memory of that heart attack is always there, and the fright it gave their family stays in their minds, but it's pushed back and contained, because there is no use worrying, just doing their best to make sure there's no reason to worry.
She's so happy that she found him, because her life has become so much fuller since. After her late husband died, she had been alone with her little son, struggling with a nurse's salary, but she had done well enough, she thinks. But then her son had grown up and started becoming less dependent on her, and she had felt the nearing loneliness, when he would eventually leave her to pursue his own life. But with Burt, she had gained a husband, a lover and a best friend, as well as another son for her to love and care for. Because even though they got married quite late, Kurt has become her son in every relevant meaning of the word.
She had seen her first as the shy, insecure boy he was then, but it had been amazing to see him slowly but surely come out of his shell after he moved to New York. Of course he's still the same boy, obsessed with books and slightly shy, but now he smiles in a way that tells about contentment and some sort of quiet confidence, and now he's going for what he really wants in life, with all his determination. He had changed his major into creative writing during his second year, although he still studied literature as well, and he is going to graduate this summer. She also knows he's currently finishing up his first poetry book and is planning to send it to various publishing houses. She's so proud of him. And she knows that so much of that happiness is because of one certain young man, the boyfriend that she had worried about at first but who had then turned out to be exactly perfect for Kurt. The boyfriend who would hopefully become much more than that, eventually.
So now she and Burt are watching tv, lazying around and trying to be as if nothing is going on, even though they both know exactly what is going to happen tonight, and she knows both of them are boiling inside with nerves and excitement and hope. They had heard all about Kurt's plans for today, and she couldn't be happier for him. She just hopes everything will go like they all want it to, and she's pretty sure it will, because honestly, there's really not much doubt here.
The broadway-star-to-be
Rachel Berry is a refined girl who does not snore, and even more certainly does not drool, and she resents her boyfriend for telling her otherwise. She may have fallen asleep for a while on the sofa, slumbering on him, but that doesn't give him any right to lay false accusations. Even if he says it's cute, it doesn't make it any less horrifying. She thinks that three years ago, she would have jumped up and had a diva fit, but the truth is that she's matured enough to not react quite as strongly to everything as she used to. It doesn't make her any less opinionated or curious or prone to acting without thinking of the consequences, but she does know, nowadays, when overreacting is actually useful and when it's just too much over nothing. So she glares at the guy and then turns away so he can't see her smug smile at his slightly intimidated face. She can't help the giggle, though, and just like that, she's busted.
She's feeling just a little overactive with nerves, despite having just woken up, because today is a Very Special Saturday. It's special for several reasons. The first is that she has finally graduated from NYADA and she had been at her first audition as a NYADA graduate yesterday, and it's still manifesting today as some sort of post-audition nerves. It's a big part, and there's a hope that she might actually have a chance to get it. The second big thing is that her best friend,her boyfriend's brother, has some very special plans, that she had been helping him with, mostly on her own insistence. It's all happening that night, finally, and she can't wait to be informed of the results of said plans. Saying she's impatient might be a slight understatement.
Yeah, so, she's dating her best friend's brother, which might be a little strange, except that it really isn't. If anything, it's bringing them all closer together, her, Kurt, Blaine and Finn. She had known Finn during the High School years, of course, because who in McKinley didn't? He was the quarter back after all. But besides their brief stint in Glee club, they hadn't had anything in common, and they were most certainly not friends. Kurt hadn't had the best relationship with Finn then, so even if Rachel was one of those girls who secretly - or not so secretly - had a crush on the popular boy, she wouldn't have wanted to betray Kurt by pursuing something with his problematic step-brother. But then, after they'd all left for college, Kurt and Finn had connected in a new way, and when Finn moved to New York a year later to get his teacher's permit, she had met him again. And now that there were no issues of solidarity or school hierarchy, her crush had returned ten-fold.
Finn had fallen for her too, and some night a few weeks after they'd started dating he had admitted to having had his own little crush on her in high school, even if she had been one of the social outcasts. He had apologised to her for following the high school rules and not helping her or Kurt with the bullying. He also said he was sorry for not pursuing anything with Rachel back then, but even Rachel could admit now that she was a bit much at that age (she had worn knitted shirts with kittens and giant strawberries, for god's sake! - although the kitten ones still have a soft spot in her heart), and that maybe it's better that they only found each other now. It's okay, because they're together now, and that is what matters the most. They're happy, getting on with their lives, following their dreams, and today they would hopefully witness another big dream being realised by their best friends slash brothers.
So now, as she tries to get rid of the last remains of sleep in her brain, eighty percent of which is already on overdrive, she furtively wipes her slightly wet cheek (which is NOT wet with drool, thank you very much) and turns around to look her ridiculously tall boyfriend deep in the eyes. Finn smiles and wipes a tiny bit of drool that is still left from the corner of her mouth, and then asks, carefully.
"Why do you think Kurt decided to do this first? I mean.. he's kind of a shy dude, still. Do you think he's going to dare to go through with it?" Finn sounds unsure, but she doesn't depict any negative thoughts about her best friend in his tone, despite the words. It really sounds just like what she knows he meant - like a brother who wants everything good for their brother and is worried for their sake.
"Oh please!" Rachel rolls her eyes, before smiling fondly, partly to Finn and his caring and partly to the bravery of her best friend. "Kurt is the ballsiest guy you know. You've told me that before. He's gonna do it and he's going to be fabulous!"
The teacher hopeful
Aino Pohjola is a calm, collected and confident girl, who definitely does not get nervous about things that she knows she can handle. Like moving back to a foreign country that is not so foreign anymore, with her boyfriend for over three years, for the purpose of finding a job and settling down in the Big Apple. She had already moved there once before, and she was alone then, even, so it's not like it's something completely new. But the thing is, she still is very much nervous. It's one thing to move to a country for a year, knowing that you'll just be a guest, that you'll spend your time finding new friends and studying, knowing that soon you will return back to the familiar. And it's completely another thing to move to a foreign country with the knowledge that you will stay, maybe not for forever but at least for an unknown length of time, knowing that you will have to find your place in there, make a home and belong.
The last four years have been eventful. First she had been in this same city as an exchange student, and met some of the people she nowadays considers her best friends. She had also met the interesting and yet hard to read boy, who later had become the first and only long-term boyfriend she's had. Their relationship is unique, and came with a lot of troubles, because of their sexual orientations as well as their cultural differences and the distance between the places they called 'home'. But they are good for each other, as perfect as two people can be, total opposites at some things and yet so similar in the points that really mattered, like values and morals and views of a fulfilling relationship. And that is what she believes has kept them together this long, despite everything that has been against them.
Zach had moved with her to Finland for a year, studying journalism, and Finnish language just for the heck of it. He had returned back to New York for a year to finish his degree, and that year apart had been hard for them, but they had made it. Maybe it helped that their relationship wasn't so heavily based on the physical than most relationships are, and maybe it was also because they were both so busy, Zach studying more than normal to finish earlier and Aino starting her master's thesis and doing the teacher practise at the same time. In any case, they made it mostly unharmed and then Zach spent her last year of uni in Finland, as he'd managed to find a great job for an English language newspaper in Finland, that took him in as an American voice of sorts.
But now, Aino had her masters and they had both decided to go back to New York, because it was only logical after all, to try life in their other home as well. Zach had lived in Finland with her, learning the language and the culture and, if he was telling the truth, honestly learning to think of the place as his own. Now it's Aino's turn to do the same with him in USA, making New York her home. She has a minor in education from the country that is widely known for having the best educational system in the world, so she had already gotten a possible job offer at a private school as a European history and literature teacher.
So now she's sitting on a hotel bed, tired after a long flight and waiting for her boyfriend to finish his shower so they can take a nap together, before they go surprise their friends at a party that will hopefully happen that evening. All their friends know they were coming, but they are expecting them a week from now, as was originally planned. But there had been nothing really preventing them from leaving earlier, and as they had heard about the plans of their friend, they had decided to come sooner to be a part of those plans.
Although, after the long flight Aino is doubting how long she will be able to stay in any kind of party, as her eyes are drooping shut against her will right now. Eventually Zach returns, still towelling his wet hair, and lies beside her, pulling her in his arms.
"Hey, rakas." he murmurs into her hair and yawns. "I think I'm going to crash any second now. I need every second of rest if I'm going to actually be in some party drinking and celebrating and being subjected to all the welcome hugs and congratulation hugs and what ever else hugs there's gonna be." She smiles at his voice, which is dead tired but still so happy, even if he tries to go for sarcastic.
"Then sleep. Believe me, I'm not any better." She yawns ridiculously big, as a perfect demonstration of her words. Zach chuckles and kisses her nose.
"Sleep well. Kauniita unia."
"You too," she mutters and can feel Zach falling into sleep before she even gets the words out properly. She thinks of the way those words come out of Zach's mouth so naturally now, and yet they sound so distinctive, clearly different from the way her own people would say it. It only makes it better, something of their own. It's pretty in it's imperfectness.
She thinks about the man behind him, and how she's never once had sex with him, and only occasionally sees him naked. She thinks about how they kiss so often, and always filled with deep emotions, but it's never those kind of passionate, deep french kisses that she's seen in the movies. She thinks about this man, who loves her deeply, but does not want her sexually. She thinks of how he can admire the beauty or her body, without lusting it, instead admiring it only as the physical appearance of the girl he loves. She thinks of how she sometimes uses the images of Zach as a material of her own fantasies as she masturbates, but there's no resentment in there, no secrets or hidden feelings. Zach knows it and accepts it, is even glad that he is interesting to her in that way, even if he can't reciprocate the feeling of sexual need. And she understands Zach enough to not resent him for not wanting her that way - it's just nature after all. It's how he is, how the two of them are.
She's satisfied. She's happy. Because she has a guy who is wonderful company, funny and bright, supportive, always there for her and who loves her more deeply than she can sometimes comprehend. And it's not like every couple on this planet, it's different and hard for others to get, but she's content, because love is the most important thing. To her, sex is simply not that important, and she's happy enough on her own on that front, and she would never give up such a great person for something so inconsequential as sex. And she knows it wouldn't be like that for most people, knows that most people would never be truly happy in a relationship like theirs.. But she's just glad that it works for them.
As she slowly drifts to sleep, she thinks of their two best friends, and how much this day will mean to them, and she hopes - no, she knows - that they are and will continue to be just as happy.
The poet
Kurt knows very well that this is the day to not be late. Which is why his frustration grows exponentially at every obstacle he meets that day, and as the time just flies by way too fast. He's asked Blaine to be free that evening for a casual date, failing to mention that he's got a smallish surprise for Blaine at one point. The day needs to be perfect, and at least the weather is on his side, even if nothing else is. The sun is shining and it's warm and nice, a perfect day to have a picnic in the Central Park.. if they ever get there, that is. Which doesn't look so good, at the moment.
He's currently searching for jobs and it's kind of important, so when he was asked to an interview for a temporary position as a columnist/blogger in a smallish fashion magazine, and told that it would have to be that morning, he just couldn't turn it down, no matter how important the day is. So he had been there, and as he was so full of nerves about the rest of the day, he had kind of forgotten to be nervous about the interview, so it had gone pretty well in the end. But now it means that he's barely got time to do everything he needs and be in time to meet Blaine by the time he gets off work.
First, the girl he needed to meet, to discuss some stuff and make sure they got the time and place absolutely right, had been late. Then, when he got that settled, the grocery store had been totally full as he searched for all the things he needed for a light picnic, and he had to stand in the line for half an eternity. Then, when he got to the florist, there had been an old lady in the line before him, who didn't know what she wanted and wasn't satisfied with any suggestions given to her. Luckily Kurt at least had a clear idea of what kind of flowers he wanted, so it was easily done once his turn finally came.
And then he took a taxi to Blaine's work place, convinced that the metro was going to be late for sure, only to find himself stuck in traffic. Which he clearly knows is much more likely than the metro being late, and would have realised if he'd stopped and thought about it for more than one second. He's too nervous to even glance at the time once, so he's reasonably surprised when he finally gets to the destination and realises he's half an hour early and has nothing to do but wait for Blaine and try to not spontaneously combust.
As he waits, the significance of the day really hits him, although it really shouldn't be such a surprise, after spending so much time contemplating and planning this, and then deciding it's finally time to do it. A lot has changed in their lives recently. Being together as students had been nice and stable. Eventually, after two years of dating and Blaine finally getting his degree, they had found an apartment together. It had been a big change, and they'd had to make some adjustments and compromises in their life, but falling asleep every night listening to Blaine's breathing and waking up to his light snores every morning was definitely worth it. And now, Kurt had graduated, and it was pretty scary thing, leaving the student world behind and venturing to the unknown world of jobs and full-day jobs. Also, if everything went well, he would soon be a published poet, and wasn't that a scary and wonderful thought. So, a lot had changed.
But now, today, there's going to be one more step in growing up and creating the life he wants - they want, hopefully. He's going to realise one of the biggest dreams in the Book of Dreams he once had. And he knows this because, as his dad had said years ago, the physical book might be gone but he really does remember the dreams that truly matter. Like this particular one. He thinks about his mother, and hopes she would be proud of him today. Happy for him. And he's pretty sure she is.
By the time Blaine gets out of the building, nearly ten minutes late, Kurt is so lost in thought that he jumps when Blaine comes and puts his arms around him from behind. He settles in their familiarity soon, though.
"Hmm, hello, Night sky." Blaine says into his neck and then Kurt turns around, facing him, smiling wide.
"Hey, Little!" He tries to act casual, but he's pretty sure the jittery nerves are showing haven't actually used those nicknames that often these days, but they do sometimes come out, in special moments - like just now - and he wonders if Blaine has caught up to the importance of the day, as he started it. Blaine doesn't comment on it, though, at least not yet, which Kurt is thankful for.
"What's the occasion?" Blaine asks, pointing at the flowers Kurt had temporarily forgotten.
"Oh." Right. Flowers. Kurt offers them to Blaine, who takes the small bouquet of yellow and red roses with a happy smile and presses his nose in them appreciatively.
"No occasion," Kurt shrugs, trying for nonchalant but trying a bit too hard to really succeed. Blaine quirks his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything more. Kurt thinks about the picnic and the party that will hopefully happen afterwards (and thank God Rachel had promised to take care of that!) and then realises the flowers might be a bit of a nuisance to carry around all day. He really wants them to last, so he suggests Blaine to bring them upstairs to his workplace for safekeeping. Blaine considers the picnic basket in Kurt's hands, and probably realises what they are going to do as he agrees to get the flowers into water upstairs. As he makes a quick trip back to the office, Kurt prays for something, anything, to keep him from blurting out everything ahead of time and ruining the whole plan. It's not even a complicated plan, so it's not unreasonable to actually stay in it. He's just afraid he's going to burst, that's all.
The photographer
When Blaine gets back without the flowers, Kurt leads them both to the metro. When they get out near the Central Park, he connects the location with the picnic basket, and figures that's where they are heading. Blaine has no problem with it. A beautiful Saturday afternoon picnic in the Central Park might be the biggest cliché on earth, but it's also a cliché for a reason. Because it's really a pretty nice way to spend a day with your boyfriend. The park is predictably pretty packed, but Kurt seems to know where they are going, so Blaine just follows.
They chatter as they walk, and ever since they met in front of his building (and frankly, for the last week or two as well) Blaine can't help but notice how nervous Kurt is. Not the bad kind of nervous though, so he's not worried. It's just that he knows Kurt well enough to know when there's something going on, and if he's not completely mistaken, something big is going on today. But he also sees that Kurt is trying his best to keep it a secret, so Blaine doesn't want to ruin anything by asking. He's quite sure he's going to find out soon, anyway.
After a few minutes of walking, he notices one of his favourite street artists, a youngish girl who plays her own interpretations of old and new popular songs with her acoustic guitar and sings them with a voice that is both pretty and unique. Blaine has seen her around often enough to know that she's pretty much doing this for a living. Somehow there's some free space on the grass near to where she's sitting on a bench and playing, even though there's a small crowd around her, listening. He turns to ask Kurt if they can stop to listen, as well, but Kurt is pulling him to the empty spot before he even gets to saying it. It makes Blaine pretty think that this is somehow planned, although he can't yet sum everything up, because why would the girl save them a place, like it almost seems she has, and why would she even know them?
Kurt puts the small light blanket on the grass and they sit down and eat for a while, although it seems that Kurt is too jittery to actually get food down his throat. After a while, Blaine has finally had enough of that.
"Kurt?" Kurt looks up at him, questioning. "What's really going on here?" he asks, and watches Kurt turn pink. He almost wants to laugh at the adorableness of it, but doesn't, because obviously this is something important. There's a little nagging suspicion in the back of his head, that has been there since yesterday, when Kurt asked him for a surprise date, sounding so uncharacteristically nervous. But he doesn't really dare to hope that, yet.. Even though, it would make a lot of things make sense… Kurt seems to tense for a second, and then he finally relaxes, the way he always does when he gets to the point when he absolutely has to step up and win whatever insecurities have come up. Blaine watches Kurt brace himself, feeling so much in love with his wonderful boyfriend.
"Ok.. ok, let's do this," Kurt mutters, obviously to himself. Then he looks up and takes Blaine's hands, and somehow, even though Kurt hasn't even said anything yet, his expression alone makes Blaine's suspicion much much stronger. Oh, God. He really wishes it would be that.
"Blaine.. You know I've been learning to write songs, just, you know, learning.. And I'm not that good, so I haven't let you hear them, as you also know. There's actually another reason for that, too. Anyway. I want to sing you one now.. I wrote it for you. And I hope you'll get the gist of it, so that I don't have to explain it." Kurt chuckles and looks flustered, but excited too, and very determined. And Blaine, well, Blaine just enjoys. Even if it's not what he earlier thought it might be, it's big, because Kurt is going to show him one more vulnerable part of himself, and it's such a perfect day, a perfect moment in every way. "It's called 'Thousand times yes' - which I hope you'll say to me later - but first.. I'll just get to it."
Then, as if ordered, (and it seems like she's watching them, so maybe it's not a coincidence at all?) the girl with the guitar ends her song and doesn't immediately start a new one. She turns to them instead, and looks at Kurt with questioning eyebrows, way too familiarly for them to be total strangers, and something just doesn't add up. Then she starts to thrum her guitar, just a simple back up chords, and it's not something she usually plays, as far as Blaine can recognise. After a short intro, Kurt starts to sing, eyes boring into Blaine's, and it takes Blaine at least two seconds more to realise that she's playing Kurt's song. That her playing and Kurt's singing is connected.. And then he gets lost in the melody and the lyrics.
You opened my eyes, took me for a ride
in the wide world around us, where I couldn't hide
I might've been scared but you made sure I smiled
you got my heart bared and it was beating like wild
Could this really be…?
and I felt doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away by a flood of
You and your smile
you took a photo and showed me my face, so nowadays
Me and my smile
are all for you and these beautiful days, so would you
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?
Are you asking me what I think you are?
The first time we kissed I panicked and ran
The second was angry, but by third I was a fan
and somewhere along I kinda lost count
But, anyway, when ever you're there
I still feel doors opening, walls falling down, floors washed away every time I see
You and your smile
you stole my heart and removed my mask, so these days
Me and my smile
are all for you. And one day I'll ask, so would you
say "yes, a thousand times yes," if I asked you now?
It has to be…
I could ask you a million things
why did you choose me
how does the sun light your hair just so
but you know which question I mean, so here goes…
Kurt takes a deep breath, and Blaine is pretty sure he knows exactly what question Kurt means.
You and your smile
mean love and safety and courage to me, and giving you
me and my smile
I wonder what am I waiting for? So will you
say "yes, a thousand times yes"… as I ask you now.
When the song slows down, and Kurt looks at him in the way that says 'I love you' and 'please say what I want you to say' and 'please say it now', and somewhere in the back of his mind Blaine realises that the girl has stopped playing and is looking at them expectantly, but the only thing he really can think of is how much he really loves this man and that it's pretty hard to breathe all of a sudden and the question. The question that just then, finally, comes out of Kurt's mouth.