April 30, 2015, 7 p.m.
If I Could Use Your Love: Chapter 36
T - Words: 2,270 - Last Updated: Apr 30, 2015 Story: Complete - Chapters: 36/? - Created: Jun 23, 2014 - Updated: Jun 23, 2014 117 0 0 0 0
Music:
In My Veins - Andrew Belle
The now completed playlist can be found on 8tracks!
Thank you everyone so much for all of your support and reviews and reads on this story. Its been a long journey for me and its really the first piece of fiction Ive ever written. I am so humbled with the responses youve given me about this fic and I thank you so much for your feedback!
I would love to say that this will not be the end of this story, but the truth is that I havent the slightest clue where I could go from here. That being said, if you have any burning questions, feel free to shoot me a message on tumblr! Additionally, Im not sure If Ill be writing new fics after this, mainly because Im not in a position in my life right now that I have a ton of time to write, but I do have some ideas so maybe Ill get around to it! Well see!
Thank you again for reading and sticking with this fic for so long!!
-Rae (tumblr)
Blaine kept glancing in the rear view mirror to make sure Kurt was still behind him as he drove back to his apartment. He was nervous, excited, overjoyed, and scared. All he could do was hope that Kurt was willing to take another chance.
He pulled into the parking lot to his building and took his guitar from the backseat while he waited for Kurt to park and catch up to him.
"Im guessing were not going into your apartment." Kurt stated as they made their way up the stairs.
"You know me that well." Blaine smiled at Kurt as they climbed. He held the door open that led to the roof and allowed Kurt to pass through before following. He led Kurt over to the same spot they sat the last time they were here, and gingerly sat down, gesturing for Kurt to follow.
"So... what is it that you wanted to tell me?" Kurt asked as he sat down across from Blaine so he could face him.
"It took me about 30 seconds after you left to realize that you know me better than anyone else. Hell, I didnt even know half of those things about myself until you pointed them out to me." Blaine rushed out breathlessly. "I sat there for almost an hour just thinking about everything you said and I was so overwhelmed because you were right."
"I usually am," Kurt joked with a small smile. Blaine was relieved to see the corners of his mouth turn up.
"I know, and Im an idiot. Im a complete idiot." Blaine shook his head and couldnt fight the smile splitting his face. "You just... You brought so much out in me, and you know what? Ive never had that before. I mean, yeah, Casey gave me confidence, but not like you did. You made me confident in myself even when you werent around. Youre such an amazing person and I couldnt even let myself have that before because I didnt believe it could be real. I dont deserve it; I dont deserve you at all, but I want to. I want to deserve you and I want to work at it because you are worth that.
"I want to be able to make up for it, this whole year. Can you believe that? Ive known you for a year now and this time last year I couldnt even talk to you without choking up and blushing and I just... Do you know what I realized? When you left? I realized that I didnt want anyone else to know me as well as you do, and not because I dont want to let anyone else in. I dont want to let anyone else in as much as Ive let you in because I want you to be there in that way, always. I dont want it to be anyone else. Youre... youre too good for me but I want to be good enough for you anyways. Do I sound ridiculous? God, I feel like Im insane, but Im too crazy about you to care." Blaine rubbed a hand down his face and tried to suppress his hysterical laugh. He felt high but he couldnt care less; he just needed Kurt to know.
"Is that how you feel about me?" Kurt asked genuinely. He sat with his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap, concealing any and all emotion he felt towards Blaine in that moment.
"Of course it—Kurt, I love you! Did I not say that yet? See, Im such an idiot. Im so in love with you I cant even breathe sometimes but I dont even care because I know that you love me back. You—you still do, dont you? Im not holding onto this hope that—"
Kurt cut Blaine off with a fierce kiss. Blaine relaxed as Kurt kissed him without holding back like they had in the past. It felt unreal, like a dream. Blaine pushed his guitar aside, uncaring, as Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaines shoulders and Blaine in turn tugged him closer by the waist. He slid a hand up Kurts back to hold him tighter as they kissed, exploring each others mouths the way they never allowed themselves to before. Kurts hand buried in Blaines hair and tugged gently as Blaine kissed him harder, trying to get all of his feelings across. He couldnt even say how long they stayed that way until Kurt finally pulled away, just as breathless as Blaine.
"Of course I love you, Blaine. I couldnt stop if I tried." Kurt whispered in the small space between them.
"I love you too, Kurt. Im sorry it took me so long to realize it." Blaine kissed him gently again. Once they parted, they sat down beside each other, close and comfortable.
"All that matters is that you did, Blaine." Kurt smiled and tangled their fingers together. "Although if you werent so damn dramatic and told me at Gios then I probably wouldnt have been panicking in the car on the way over here." Kurt hit Blaines shoulder with his free hand and Blaine let out a small laugh, bringing their hands to his lips and kissing the back of Kurts before pulling his hand free.
"I know; Im an idiot. But I had something to show you," Blaine explained to Kurts puzzled expression. He rested his guitar on his lap again and plucked at the strings mindlessly as he turned to Kurt. "So after you left that night, I sat there for an hour with a million thoughts in my head and then I called Kayleigh and told her I was in love with you." Kurt ducked his head in attempt to hide his smile at that. "And then I immediately came up here because I had this song in my head that I could never finish and finally it was just writing itself. It took me less than a half hour to perfect it." Blaine marveled. He started to play the portion of the song that Kurt had recognized from the last time they were up on the roof of Blaines building.
"You finished it?" Kurt was both surprised and pleased. He knew Blaine had wanted to finish that song for so long.
"When I was trying to write it in the past, I channeled every emotion I felt for Casey to figure it out. But that was the problem. It was never about Casey; its about you." Blaine looked at Kurt with such love and Kurts eyes welled up. "Just listen for me, okay?" Kurt nodded and Blaine began to play.
Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day
Oh, youre in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, youre all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh, youre in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Everything will change
Nothing stays the same
Nobody heres perfect
Oh, but everyones to blame
Oh, all that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day
Kurt had tears in his eyes again as Blaine played for him, sang this song to him. He was overwhelmed with it all; how befitting it was to everything theyd been through. He watched in awe as Blaine caught his gaze again and sang to him.
Everything is dark
Its more than you can take
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight
Shining, shining down on your face
Your face
Oh your face
Oh, youre in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, youre all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh, youre in my veins
And I cannot get you out
No, I cannot get you out
No, I cannot get you out
Oh no, I cannot get you...
The song came to a close and Blaine brought his thumb to Kurts cheek to wipe away his fallen tears.
"That was beautiful, Blaine." Kurt squeaked out over the lump of emotion in his throat.
"Im glad you think so," Blaine leaned in and kissed him again, not holding back now that he was free to do so. "You mean everything to me, Kurt."
They watched each other for a moment, and then Kurt cleared his throat. "So... do you want to start over?"
"No." Blaine stated firmly, and for a moment Kurt looked crestfallen. "I dont want to start over with you because starting over means that we forget everything that happened before and I cant do that. I dont want to forget because everything that happened is a part of me.
"Ever... Ever since Casey died I felt like I lost my sense of gravity. And when I met you... When I met you I felt like I could put my feet on the ground again. You were like my new gravity. Will you be that? Will you be my gravity, Kurt? Hold me down with you and never let me float away?" Blaine felt like he was asking a heavier question than he intended but he didnt care. He caught Kurts watery eyes and beamed at him while Kurt nodded resolutely.
"Yes. If youll be that for me then yes I will. And youre right. Starting over isnt what we need. We need to pick up right where we are." Kurt kissed him again and Blaine was on cloud nine.
They didnt leave the roof for hours.
"You know, the shitty thing about you and Kurt dating is that I cant be your date to events like this. What good are you?" Kayleigh said as she straightened his bowtie. Blaine just laughed and swatted her hands away.
"Im sorry that my having a boyfriend is putting a damper on your free pass into meeting celebrities. Werent you the one desperately trying to push us together, anyway?" Blaine sassed back at her. "Maybe next time Ill go stag and Kurt can bring you as his plus one." Blaine checked his hair in the mirror again as Kayleigh brushed invisible lint off of his jacket. Blaine and Kurt were going to the Peoples Choice Awards and poor Kayleigh was taking advantage of Blaines cable and empty couch and watching from home.
"That would be the last thing you two need. Youve had enough in the tabloids." She teased.
"Hey! Most of it hasnt been too bad lately!" Blaine defended. While there were still some rumors about their previous "relationship issues" circulating, most of that had been cleared up through various interviews and dropped hints.
"Yeah, but theyre watching you two. Theyll twist anything they can. Imagine if a story was leaked about this poor, defiled couch!" She gasped in mock horror as she gestured wildly to Blaines living room couch.
"As far as Im concerned, I can do whatever I like with my own couch, thank you very much." Blaine, despite his confident front, still blushed high on his cheeks.
"I liked it better when you guys were fake dating. At least I didnt have to walk in on you all the time." She said dramatically and Blaine rolled his eyes.
"Kayleigh, you walked in on us once."
"Once was enough. Youre lucky I didnt have my camera. I would have had the BEST blackmail." Kay grinned evilly.
"You have enough blackmail on us just by knowing our relationship was originally fake. You know that could still cause a lot of problems." Blaine waited by the window and watched as a black limousine pulled up into his parking lot.
"I know; Im just such a good friend that it wouldnt even cross your mind to worry." She grabbed the remote and turned on the TV as Blaine checked for his wallet and phone. A knock sounded on the door and Blaine rushed over to answer it, opening the door to find Kurt beaming back at him.
"You look dashing." Kurt smirked and kissed him.
"Mm, you dont look so bad yourself," Blaine grinned.
"Woo! Get it!" Kayleigh called from the couch, interrupting their kiss.
"Werent you complaining not thirty seconds ago about walking in on us?" Blaine grumbled pointedly.
"Im just trying to be supportive!" She exclaimed. "Good luck tonight, guys," She said in a more serious tone. "I mean, the number of times I voted for each of you should at least get you into the top three in your respective categories, so you should have a pretty good chance." She beamed at the pair looking fantastic in their chosen attire for the awards, complimenting each other in subtle ways. She was right from the beginning; they were really perfect for each other.
"Thanks, Kayleigh," Kurt laughed. "Have fun using Blaines cable." He winked.
"Im apartment-sitting!" She argued.
"Sure you are. Good night, Kay." Blaine waved at her and grabbed Kurts hand.
"Night, guys!"
Blaine closed the door behind them and they made their way out to the car that was waiting for them.
"Are you nervous?" Kurt asked after they climbed in and were settled.
"Not really. Excited, yes, but not nervous. If I dont win I wont be upset, Ill be more upset if you dont win."
"Oh, stop it, youre just trying to get into my pants." Kurt giggled.
"Im not! Well, not with that comment anyway." Blaine winked. "You deserve it. I want you to win more than I want to win."
"Well if it makes a difference I feel the same." He smiled at Blaine in reply.
"You want to win more than you want me to win?" Blaine teased, and Kurt hit his shoulder playfully in reply. "Im serious, though. I dont really care about the outcome, Im just happy Im here with you."
"Youre a sap."
"You love me for it though." Blaine leaned in for a kiss and Kurt complied.
"Yes, I really do."