12

Kurt woke up in the middle of the night. He turned his head ever so slightly to see that Blaine was sleeping soundly beside him. Facing the ceiling again, he tried to remember why he had woken. Did he have a nightmare? No, he his heart didn’t race the way it would have if he did. Was he hungry? No, his stomach didn’t growl. Instead, it was filled with a feeling of dread. He felt empty inside. Hollow. Lonely.

This part he couldn’t even understand. Sometimes he had this feeling when he was at his own apartment, before he met Blaine, and thought about his dad. He knew this feeling of depression all too well. But why now? It didn’t make any sense. He had his arms wrapped around Blaine and the doctor’s body was emitting warmth to prove that he was still there. The adorable smile on Blaine’s sleeping face reminded him of the love he was being showered in every day. Sometimes they had their disagreements, but it was nothing a kiss couldn’t fix.

It had been two days since Kurt was told to cut off drugs completely. Blaine’s days off from work went like a blur after the amusement park incident and Kurt didn’t even know how the time had passed when Blaine stood there with his briefcase in hand and was about to walk out the door to get to work again. Three days after that, he went back to the specialist and got the news he dreaded; it was time for him to stop using all together.

Kurt decided to take it like a champ. This was want he wanted after all. He wanted to quit. So why was it so damned hard? He knew he was addicted to the substance. He wasn’t some stupid college boy who claimed to be able to quit on the day, but still did coke everyday. He wasn’t in denial. Then why was it so damned hard?

A cigarette would help, he told himself and kissed Blaine on the forehead quietly before untangling himself from the sleeping man. He headed towards the balcony that had a nice view of New York. Even after living here for so many weeks, Kurt was still surprised by how nice Blaine’s apartment was – unlike his own crappy hole with no view and shutters for windows. Blaine’s apartment was spacey with large windows that let the sun in. And he had an amazing kitchen.

Darkness engulfed the buildings outside and Kurt glanced at the clock on the wall. It was three am and he was aware of the chilly air as he was only dressed in his boxers. He lit a cigarette and held it between his soft lips, leaning on the railing that kept him from falling. If he jumped, he would splatter on the concrete. Just another suicide case in New York, it wasn’t anything big. Just one jump and it would all be over. Life, the struggle, the happiness. What was it all for? They were all going to die one day. So why not just take the step now and be done with it? He had the power to end it in just a few seconds. But suicide was never an option for Kurt. He wasn’t a quitter. He looked upon suicide as quitting, and he would never do that. Yes, he escaped from the tight grips of reality by doing drugs, but he wouldn’t take his own life.

Instead he held on to the railing and took a long drag from the burning cigarette. He let the smoke fill his lungs before slowly letting it seep out of his almost closed lips. The smoke from the cigarette twirled around in the dark, reaching for the sky. But before it could get that far, it evaporated into nothing.

The last two days had been a struggle. He had to struggle just to concentrate on little things. His mind constantly jumped to the feeling of relief he needed from cocaine. He had evaluated and re-evaluated every single way he could get hold of drugs. Right after the appointment with the specialist, he and Blaine went back to his old apartment and threw away his entire supply. Every single packet of cocaine. Every single pill. It felt horrible, but at the same time it felt as though a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He could finally be free.

He wouldn’t lie and say that he didn’t think of cheating. That he didn’t consider going back to his old dealer and get just one hit. But every time he wanted to quit, he remembered Blaine’s proud face and felt guilty for even thinking about it.

When he was done with the cigarette, he flicked it over the railing and watched it as it fell down to the streets below.

Kurt headed back to the bedroom. Blaine was still fast asleep, judging the soft snores coming from his direction. Kurt slipped back under the covers and wrapped his arms around Blaine, causing him to subconsciously cringe from the cold. The doctor murmured something that Kurt couldn’t make sense of. He closed his eyes and thought about the song his mother used to sing for him when he was little. Before long sleep came to him again.

He woke up the next day and felt something rough in his hand. Opening his eyes, he noticed that Blaine wasn’t there anymore and there was a note in his hand. Somehow, Kurt had managed to clench his fist so hard that the note was crumpled. He sat up on the bed and rubbed the last remains of sleep away from his eyes.

The note read, “Emergency at work – had to run! Love you xx”. The sender’s name wasn’t stated, but Kurt didn’t need to read it to know who the untidy scrawl belonged to. His heart sank a little. He had wanted to spend time with Blaine today, to just exist as one unit in the apartment. Order take away, pop in a movie and cuddle. Maybe if Kurt was lucky, he would get a little something on the side, though he doubted it.

But now he just had to occupy himself in another way. He checked his cell phone and noticed a dozen of unread messages from Finn, each more worried than the last. With a prominent sigh, he pressed the call button.

--

Why did Kurt even care how he looked when he was going to meet his stepbrother for coffee? It wasn’t like Finn would have noticed the difference whether he had worn a burlap sack or the newest Marc Jacobs jacket. Nevertheless Kurt wanted to look nice. He had lost a lot in his life, and compromised himself for less, but he didn’t want to lose his identity too. He loved life with Blaine, it wasn’t that, but sometimes he wondered what would happen if they broke up and Kurt had to move out and go back to his old life. It already felt as though a little part of Kurt had eroded away and replaced with Blaine’s cute smile, and even though the cute smile vanished, the part of Kurt wouldn’t come back.

But for now, he straightened the collar on his pinstriped shirt and buttoned the maroon vest that made his skin look even paler, giving it an ethereal glow.

He headed towards the coffee shop nearby and plumped down on a table, waiting for Finn. His dear stepbrother was naturally late. Kurt waited for ten minutes, twenty minutes and when half an hour had past, he was close to leaving, his mood worse than ever.

But before he could leave, a tall man came in, his brown hair sticking out everywhere. His broad shoulders barely fitted in the space between the door frame. Kurt looked up and rolled his eyes.

“You are late”, he spat, annoyance clear in his voice.

Finn shifted uncomfortably and sat down.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Work c-“, he tried to explain with a sheepish look on his face but Kurt cut him off by pushing a lidded cup to his side.

“I got it for you. It’s cold, but you deserve cold coffee”, Kurt sniffed indignantly. He didn’t want some pathetic excuse from Finn. He didn’t care what happened at work or with his boss. Finn’s life was boring and he was pissed off.

Finn looked confused. What had he done that could possibly subject him to a fate of cold coffee? Kurt seemed snippier than usual, even for Kurt to be. Something was wrong.

“So.. How are you doing, lil bro?”, Finn asked casually, hoping that Kurt would just tell him what was wrong. Of course it couldn’t be that easy.

Kurt rolled his eyes again, already feeling the strain of the action. He had forgotten how exerting Finn was on his poor eyeballs.

“I’m not your ‘lil bro’, Finn. Treat me with respect”, he drawled before sighing softly. He took a sip from his cup and leaned back on the hard chair before he decided to just break the news to Finn.

“I’m fine, really. Blaine and I have moved in together and I’ve quit drugs”, he said casually. It wasn’t true that he had quit drugs, as he was merely trying to quit, but the doctor said that it would help to tell people that he quit. Apparently it had something to do with the fact that people didn’t want to disappoint their friends and family by starting again. And according to the doctor he wasn’t trying because trying implied a chance of failure. Whatever, Kurt was trying to quit drugs and he didn’t care if he disappointed Finn. Blaine, however..

“Wow wow wow.. What?!”, Finn exclaimed, dragging Kurt from his internal musings.

Kurt smiled patronisingly.

“I told you. I’ve moved in with Blaine and I’m off drugs”

Finn just shook his head rapidly.
“Who the fuck is Blaine?”

Kurt had forgotten that he never told Finn about Blaine. Well, they rarely spoke anyways. It wasn’t like Kurt could just call Finn to chit chat.

“The doctor who treated me when I overdosed”, he replied with a smug smile as he took a sip from his coffee. He was proud that he landed himself a doctor, and a nice guy like Blaine no less. He knew that everyone thought that Kurt would die lonely because of his behaviour and drug problems.

“You are dating you doctor, dude?”, Finn’s eyes were almost popping out of his sockets. “That is so not cool”

Kurt froze.

He didn’t understand why Finn just couldn’t be happy for him.

“He’s not my doctor, he’s a doctor”, the petite brunette retorted coldly, glaring openly at Finn. Now he remembered why he seldom met his step-brother. Finn was aggravating and somehow managed to ignore the things he wanted to ignore. Like how miserable Kurt was before, how much Kurt needed someone to take care of him.

“And he’s the best thing that has happened to me in years”, Kurt continued. Suddenly he didn’t want to be there anymore. He was aware of his heart beating faster and faster. His palms were sticky from sweat and small beads of sweat were emerging on his upper lip. The room felt hot and the coffee tasted like ash.

“Why can’t you just be happy for me?”, Kurt’s voice was shaking at this point. If he only had a dose, no matter how small it was, he wouldn’t lose control like this.

Finn seemed lost for words and scratched his neck.
“It’s not that I’m not happy.. It’s j-..”, he tried to explain but Kurt interrupted him.

“I’m not interested in your pathetic excuse”, he sneered.

Deciding that he couldn’t stay there with Finn anymore, he got up, his step staggering a little and stormed out of the café.

When Kurt got back to Blaine’s apartment, he was in a murderous rage. Why couldn’t Finn just be happy for him instead of using every opportunity to pull him down? He knew that his relationship with his step-brother wasn’t the best one. They didn’t talk much, and when they did they quarrelled more often than not. They had never been close, despite Kurt’s crush on him in high school, and Finn did a lot of things that Kurt would never understand. But ever since Burt died and Kurt started falling out of society, instead of trying to help Kurt, Finn just stood there in the sidelines, telling him how wrong what he did was.

And now he was doing it again when Kurt’s life was starting to look brighter. Almost as though Finn honestly didn’t believe that he could do anything without screwing up majorly.

Kurt looked around the room looking for something to occupy him from the undying thirst he felt. The one he knew wouldn’t go away no matter how much water he drank. He almost felt like a frigging vampire. The Craving always came back stronger than ever when he was upset. It was like a downwards spiral. When he didn’t get to do drugs, he was moody and when he was moody he needed drugs more than ever.

He heard the door open behind him and Blaine’s head with his curls that were tamed with copious amount of hairgel was suddenly behind him. Blaine’s posture was somewhat stiff, Kurt noticed.

“You’re home early”, Kurt tried to keep the bitterness away from his voice. If Blaine noticed, he didn’t comment on it.

“Bad day”, he grunted and headed towards the kitchen, opening the fridge. He took out a carton of juice and poured himself a glass.

“What happened?”, Kurt asked in a tired voice. He didn’t mean to seem unenthusiastic, he was just too tired of fighting to bother put on a happy face.

“Nothing”, Blaine’s reply came quickly. Kurt jaw tightened. Why was he the one to have to try in this relationship? He was the one cutting himself open, emotionally bleeding in front of Blaine everyday. He was the was the one who had to struggle day and night to not go back to the life he lived before this man decided to stroll into his life. Blaine never wanted to talk about work or the things that upset him there. It just wasted fair.

“Yeah, I can see that”, Kurt sneered, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“What is that supposed to mean?”, Blaine had tossed back the glass of juice and slammed in on the kitchen counter. The piercing sound of the glass hitting the marble surface made Kurt cringe inwardly, but he held his hard exterior.

“Nothing”, Kurt mimicked.

“What the hell, Kurt?”

Kurt threw his arms out in the air in an annoyed fashion.

“You know what? Actually, it wasn’t nothing. This is me sick and tired of you not trying”, his voice rose exponentially and was shaking at this point. Kurt hated how vulnerable he sounded.

“Not trying?”, Blaine pared, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

Kurt could almost hear something snap inside of him.

“Yes, Blaine! Not trying. I’m tired of being the one struggling all the time. I’m tired of being the one who’s dependent on you, trusting you to make me feel better whenever I’m down. And you don’t even return the fucking courtesy!”, he snarled.

Blaine’s face was distorted into a look of utter disbelief and disappointment.

“I don’t try? Seriously.. You’re are saying that I don’t try? Have you tried to live with a recovering drug addict?”, he spat.

Kurt had never seen him this mad at him before. Even though he knew that he was a drug addict, it hurt to hear Blaine just throw it out there like it didn’t mean anything. Blaine was always so careful with his feelings. Before Kurt could say anything, he continued.

“And I’m so sorry for not being able to act all happy and bubbly today, Kurt”, he said in a voice that implied that he was truly not sorry at all.

Blaine had always been hesitant to talk about his work when he was with Kurt. He tried to keep the details away from the boy, not wanting to worry him more than it was necessary. But right now something inside him broke.

“I watched two kids die today, Kurt. I stood there, trying to save their lives, but I couldn’t do anything. They died in front of my eyes. Two kids. There were barely sixteen and had their entire lives in front of them, so sorry I’m not in the mood to play happy family with you right now. Not everything is about you”, the last part was hushed, but Kurt heard it all the same.

Kurt froze, his face masking all emotions. A trait he picked up when he realised that life would never give him what he wanted. And he was a fool to think that it would work this time as well.

“Fuck you, Blaine”, he shook his head slowly and inhaled. “I’m leaving”. There was a sense of finality in his voice. He couldn’t do this anymore. Blaine wasn’t worth the pain and torture he inflicted upon himself.

Grabbing his wallet and his keys from the table, he headed for the door.

“Goodbye, Doctor Anderson”, he called, not looking back once as he stormed out.