AN: I’m going to apologize in advance for this emotionally bipolar chapter. But apart from that, I’m actually quite pleased with the chapter. We get to see a bit different side of Kurt and another side of Doctor Anderson.

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No wonder Kurt didn’t get laid.

That night when they went to bed, Blaine automatically out his arms around him. Kurt had just assumed that the doctor was more experienced in the love department than him because he was so self-secure all the time. Blaine had this way of being that just made everyone around him feel comfortable. Kurt always felt safe when he was around him, and he had just assumed that it was because Blaine knew what he was doing.

He looked at the doctor who was halfway asleep, with his eyes closed. His breathing was still a bit erratic, so Kurt assumed that he wasn’t asleep yet. The look on Blaine’s face was serene and content. As if he had the life he had always wanted. But how could he be sure when he didn’t have anything to compare with, Kurt found himself thinking. Doubting. What would happen the day Blaine woke up and found out that he wasn’t in love Kurt anymore? That it was just a petty crush?

“How can you be so sure?”, Kurt blurted out, unable to stop himself.

Blaine peered at him with one open eye.

“Sure of what?”

“That you’re in love with me?”

Blaine opened both his eyes and secured his grip around Kurt.
“Aren’t you just supposed to know? Butterflies in the stomach, fluttering in the heart and all that?”, he asked, confused by where this conversation was going.

Kurt stared at him with a neutral expression. Blaine hated it when Kurt did that. Shut himself off emotionally.

“I think I just know. Is that a good enough answer?”, Blaine smiled and brushed Kurt’s soft cheek with his thumb.

Kurt wiggled his way out of Blaine’s arms so that he could lay on his stomach, to get a better view of the doctor.
“But how can you know when you’ve never had a boyfriend before?”

Blaine thought about for a minute while he caressed Kurt’s hand.
“How do you know?”, he asked Kurt.

“I know because I’ve never felt this way around other boys before”, the pale boy answered without hesitation.

“Well, neither have I”, Blaine replied in an almost defensive manner.

“But have you ever been with another boy before?”, Kurt asked as he rolled his eyes.

Blaine sighed.
“I don’t have to have been with someone to know that I’ve fallen for you, Kurt”. Why couldn’t Kurt just believe him? Didn’t he trust him?

Kurt bit his lip.
“I.. couldn’t bear it if you left me”

Blaine’s eyes softened at once. He couldn’t believe Kurt was afraid of that. If someone should be afraid of being left, it was him.
“Oh, Kurt. I’m not going to leave you. I promise. I wish I could explain how I know that I’m in love with you, but I really can’t. All I know that is I want to be with you every single minute of the day”

Kurt smiled softly when he heard the sincereness in Blaine’s voice. It was hard not to believe him when every fibre in his body wanted to believe him. He desperately wanted to believe that the fairytale he suddenly woke up in was true. And Blaine was just way too perfect for him.

“I believe you”, he whispered and pressed his lips against the doctor’s.

Blaine automatically responded by kissing him back. This had quickly become his favourite pastime. The kiss evolved from chaste to something deeper. Kurt gently dipped his tongue between Blaine’s lips and savoured the feeling of him. Their bodies were pressed against each other, and a feeling of rush overtook them completely. Blaine held a firm grip on Kurt’s hips and deepened the kiss. Kurt moaned softly against his lips and pushed their panting bodies closer together, though it was an impossible feat. Blaine stiffened a little when he felt Kurt’s hard on against his thigh, while Kurt slowly stroke Blaine’s back from the nape of his neck and downward. When he reached Blaine’s waistband and playfully toyed with it, Blaine pulled away from the kiss by reflex, jumping backwards. His cheeks were flushed and he bit down his bottom lip.

“I.. I am sorry”, Blaine said nervously when he saw the incredulous look on Kurt’s face.

Kurt laid down flat on the bed and stared intently at the ceiling to cool himself down. Great. He couldn’t have drugs and now he couldn’t even have sex. The fairytale-like feeling he was in just a few minutes ago had completely vanished. Kurt wanted to get that back, he knew that it wasn’t normal to get so upset over something this simple. He could wait for Blaine, he knew he could. Because he loved him so, so much. Why was he getting so worked up over this? He was so tired of fighting. Fighting against the drugs, against his own body, against the fucking mood swings. If everything would just leave him alone.

“I’m not.. I’m not ready for us to do that yet”, Blaine mumbled ashamed, piercing the silence.
Kurt tried his best not to sigh at that. He had to be the patient boyfriend who did things in Blaine’s tempo. He owned Blaine at least that much.

“Yeah.. No pressure..”, Kurt said a bit uncomfortably with a frown in his forehead.

Blaine was about to say something, but Kurt cut him off.
“Let’s just go to sleep”.

He placed a chaste kiss on Blaine’s cheek and turned around so that his back faced the doctor.

“Good night, Blaine”

“Good night, Kurt..”

He could hear Blaine’s pounding heart, but tried to ignore it as he closed his eyes and tried to give in to sleep. The minutes trickled away, but he still couldn’t fall asleep. The bedside clock told him that he had stayed like this for thirty minutes. Kurt tried to listen to Blaine’s irregular breathing and realised that the doctor couldn’t sleep either.

Reluctantly, Kurt turned to face him.

“Are you mad at me?”, Blaine whispered to the night.

“Not at you”, Kurt replied. Blaine looked at him questioningly before realising that it was dark and that Kurt couldn’t see it.

“Why are you mad, then?”

Kurt narrowed his eyes.
“I’m mad at myself”, he grumbled, his voice getting louder.

“I’m mad because you are so amazing and I almost ruined it because of sex!”

“Hey”, Blaine murmured softly, stroking Kurt’s cheek gently with his thumb. Kurt reacted to his touch out of reflex by craning his neck towards him to get closer.
“You didn’t ruin anything”, Blaine assured.
“I understand that you have certain needs, and I promise I’ll get there soon. Just not yet..”

Kurt sighed and put an arm around him.

“I can wait”, he whispered and cuddled close to the doctor. Their bodies came together like two perfect puzzle pieces. And sleep engulfed them both before long.

--

The next day Blaine waked Kurt by jumping on the bed.
“…What the hell are you doing?”, Kurt groaned and buried his face in the pillow to shut the lights out.

“Get up, Kurt!”, Blaine’s cheerful voice even managed to seep in through the pillow.

 “No.. Lemme sleep..”, Kurt muttered and desperately tried to tune out the doctor.

“But we’re going to an amusement park”, Blaine grinned and shook Kurt awake.

Kurt had no other choice that to re-emerge from the comfy pillow when he heard that. His face portrayed a look of sheer disbelief.
“An amusement park, Blaine? Seriously, how old are we? Five?”

“Come on, it will be fun!”, Blaine was practically bouncing on the spot, causing his unruly curls to bounce along with him.

Kurt sighed and gave in. He didn’t have the heart to deny Blaine something that made him so happy. Besides, Blaine looked like a puppy when he was happy. And Kurt loved puppies.

Once the boys were there, Blaine was like a tornado. He wanted to go everywhere. Kurt smiled at the sight of Blaine being completely crazy. The always so calm, in control doctor was gone. In his place was this guy who just had to go on all the rides. Bracing himself for hours of dizziness, Kurt let himself be dragged to the nearest roller coaster.

After waiting in line for ten minutes while Kurt told him just why roller coasters were a bad idea, Blaine still didn’t budge.
“But they are unsafe!”

“People go on them all the time, Kurt”

“People die on them all the time, too!”

“You are not going to die..”

“What if the seat belt doesn’t work and we fall off? It’s an awfully long fall”

“Of course the seat belts are going to work”

“What if the seat falls out with the seat belts on?”

“Kurt!”, Blaine laughed, finding the other man’s nervousness adorable. “We are not going to die”, he guaranteed and took his hand. A few people looked their way, noticing how close the two boys were. Some people smiled reassuringly towards them, while some children pointed at them in an obvious manner and asked their parents something. Said parents suddenly became embarrassed and told off the children for pointing. There were a few disapproving glances, but the two men couldn’t care less.

Kurt was panicking by the time he was strapped on the seat of the rollercoaster and he heard the machine start. The few agonising seconds where you know it’s going to come soon, but you don’t know when. The anticipation killed Kurt.
“Blaine..”, he whimpered like a kicked kitten.
“I can’t do this..”

Blaine squeezed his hand and flashed him his most trustworthy smile. The smile usually reserved for the young children on their first doctor’s visit. That second the rollercoaster sped forward and everything Kurt could remember was that he screamed at the top of his lungs as he squeezed Blaine’s hand so hard that it would probably leave a bruise. He shrieked a non-stop string of curse words and refused to open his eyes. When the ride finally ended, he was shaking all over. Blaine had to drag him away from the ride in order to let other people get in.

“Kurt honey, are you ok?”, Blaine asked in a concerned voice. Kurt looked like he was about to throw up. Blaine swore that he could see a tinge of green in the tall man’s cheeks.

Kurt’s breathing was irregular and his face spilt into the most brilliant smile Blaine had ever seen.
“Are you kidding me? It was fantastic! We have to go again”, he gushed, startling Blaine. Truth was that those few minutes on the rollercoaster while he feared for his life took away all thoughts about drugs. He didn’t think about the craving once, as he was busy thinking about other things. Like how he wanted to shag Blaine before he died a tragic death by the hands of a rollercoaster.

“Okay”, Blaine grinned toothily.
“I knew you’d warm up to it”

Many rides and seven corndogs later, Kurt found himself on one of those ridiculously small plastic benches for children.
“I feel sick…”, he groaned.

Blaine ran his fingers over Kurt’s back, rubbing soothing circles through the fabric.
“You shouldn’t have eaten all those corndogs..”, he murmured.

“I know that, Blaine. Don’t make it worse”, Kurt groaned. Blaine sighed, feeling a new mood swing coming his way. He didn’t let go of Kurt and just stroked his back silently. Kurt leaned his head on Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine immediately wrapped his arm around him.

“I want to go home”, even Kurt’s voice sounded sick.

“Of course we can go home”, Blaine whispered, but couldn’t resist smiling. Kurt had just called his apartment home. He pressed a soft kiss onto his forehead and couldn’t stop smiling. Kurt, however, didn’t notice the smile or the fact that he had called the place home.

His attention was fixed on three guys snickering. It wouldn’t have been so unsettling if it wasn’t for the fact that they were pointing their way and Kurt could clearly hear one of the boys utter the word ‘faggot’. Blaine saw Kurt tense and looked up. He followed Kurt’s gaze to the boys and just rolled his eyes when he realised that they were talking about them – or rather mocking them.
“Don’t bother about them, Kurt. They’re not worth it”, he said, both to Kurt and for himself.

Kurt’s head snapped up to send Blaine a piercing stare.
“How can you not care. It’s fucking disgusting”, he spat out loud, sending a death glare to the boys. On of the boys laughed when he heard Kurt.

“You know what’s disgusting, faggot? You are! I bet you’d even suck my dick if I let you, huh?”, he growled, earning him a round of laughter from his group of friends.

Kurt clenched his jaw and got up, somewhat out of balance as he was still feeling sick from the rides and the corndog. The guys in front of him just added to that off feeling in his stomach. He seriously thought he would throw up any time.

“You close-minded idiots are disgusting!”, he snapped at them. Blaine widened his eyes and got to his feet.

“Kurt.. Let’s just go. It’s not worth it”, he murmured, not wanting to get in a fight.

At this, Kurt just saw red.

“I’m fucking tired, Blaine. I’m tired of fighting against everything and everyone. So, god help me if I have to fight you too”, he growled.

“Woah.. Kurt, I think you should back down”, Blaine said in a calm voice.

“Fuck no! I won’t!”, he screamed. Kurt tried to think. He tried to think how he would usually react in a similar situation, but his head was filled with mud. He had grown up in Lima, for crying out loud! He was used to the name calling, the teasing and the bullying. He had grown up with no other choice than to live with these idiots, but now he was out of control. He couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. And he didn’t want to. He was so tired of fighting it all.

“Bring it on, faggot. I’m not afraid of a little cocksucker like you”, the burly guy from the gang took of his jacket and gave it to his friend. He flexed the muscles on his arm and looked menacingly at Kurt. Blaine gasped at this and tugged on Kurt’s arm.
“Kurt, we have to go. This is not safe!”, he rushed as the guy came closer to them. It was unsure whether the guy did it for the dramatic effect or whether he just imagined it, but every step seemed to take an eternity to Blaine.

When Kurt didn’t budge, he tried to drag him away.
“Kurt! Have you lost your mind?”, he breathed, successfully dragging Kurt away from the man even though Kurt fought against him.

“Let me go, Blaine! It’s none of your business”, he sneered.

“Like hell it’s my business. You are my business”, Blaine raised his voice, stopping in his tracks.
“And I’m not about to let some homophobe beat you to pulp”

The same moment, two security guards had noticed the debacle and came between Kurt and the other man. One guard held Kurt in place while the other pulled the burly guy away. Only when the group of guys had decided to go, did the guard let go of Kurt. He asked them to leave the park in a stern voice, and Blaine apologized for them both before literally dragging a fuming Kurt away. The walked towards the entrance without saying a word.

Blaine slipped into the drivers seat in his car and gripped the steering wheel with so much force that his knuckles turned white. He didn’t start the car, the keys were in the ignition, but he didn’t make any move to start the car.

“What is wrong with you?!”, Kurt thundered as he slammed the door shut after him when he entered the car.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Blaine just tightened his grip around the steering wheel, painfully so.

There was a fire inside of Kurt. The want, no the need, for drugs was stronger than he had felt ever since he started downsizing the dosage. It felt as though his throat was parched and his heart was beating faster and faster, almost out of control. Small pearls of sweat emerged in his forehead, causing it to glint in the daylight.

“Do you realise how stupid that was?”, Blaine finally said.
“If those guards didn’t break it up in time, he could have killed you”

Kurt slumped back in his seat, feeling absolutely terrible. The sick sensation he felt earlier had just intensified and it felt like he was shaking everywhere. Every breath was so much harder and he just wanted to faint. To sleep. To get away. Anywhere.

Kurt’s thoughts were interrupted by a little hitch of breath from Blaine. It wasn’t loud, but he heard it nevertheless.

“Blaine..”, Kurt didn’t know what to do when he saw Blaine’s head on the steering wheel. Blaine’s breathing was irregular and a small tear trickled down his chin.

“You could have been killed, Kurt”, he said in a broken voice. He wasn’t sobbing, he was crying silently. And it broke Kurt’s heart.
“That guy was so big and I was so scared… I should have done something..”

Kurt didn’t know what he could do to comfort him, so he awkwardly placed his hand on Blaine’s back. Blaine didn’t move.
“Blaine…”, Kurt groaned. He hated that Blaine was making him feel guilty.

“I’m sorry”, Blaine whispered. Kurt’s heart broke when he heard that.

“Can we just go home now?”, Kurt sighed. Blaine didn’t fail to notice that he said home again. And if not nothing, it cheered him up just a bit.

Kurt on the other hand, leaned back on the car seat and closed his eyes. He felt like absolute hell. The Craving was back and it felt worst than he had expected it to feel. It was as if his entire body needed air, but it didn’t help to gulp in as much oxygen as he could. It was as if he was hungrier than ever before, but his stomach told him that he was full. It was as though everything he needed, peace, paradise, nirvana, whatever fucking thing they called it these days, was in his reach, but something was holding him back. And that something was himself. He wanted to claw out his fingernails and look for remains of cocaine in the skin underneath. He wanted to pull out his hair, cut something, anything, just to feel something else other than the dry feeling in his throat. Something other than his veins pressing each blood cell dry, in hope of finding just a speck of coke.

Blaine started the car and Kurt felt sicker and sicker. He wanted Blaine to stop the car, but he didn’t want to make a fuss. Blaine stared pointedly at the road. His expression wasn’t angry, but serene. Though he tried, Kurt couldn’t guess what he was thinking about. Maybe because he just couldn’t focus. His mind wanted him to focus on the feeling of desperate need while his body wanted him to focus on the sick feeling in his stomach. In the end, his body won the fight and he was his own hideously pale reflection in the little mirror in the car.

“Blaine, you have to stop the car”, Kurt rushed.

Blaine looked at him for the first time since he started driving and his eyes widened when he saw the state Kurt was in.

“Oh my god, are you ok?”, the doctor asked as he pulled over on the side of the road, stopping the car.

Kurt was about to answer, but he felt his gag reflex press against his throat and he opened the car door just in time to hurl the contents of his stomach on the pavement. A string of thoughts pressed through his mind. Oh god. He had just puked in front of Blaine. That was on his list of the grossest things someone could do.

Blaine didn’t even hesitate to get out of the car and hurry towards Kurt who’s head hung outside the car.

“Baby, are you ok?”, he asked and wiped off Kurt’s mouth with the cuff of his shirt, not even caring about soiling it.

Kurt immediately turned his head away, not wanting Blaine to see him this way. It was just too embarrassing. But Blaine just didn’t seem to let it go.

“Kurt, look at me”, he said seriously, slipping into the doctor role. When Kurt refused to look his way, Blaine cupped his face gently.

“Kurt, it’s ok. Seriously, I don’t care that you just threw up. I’m worried about you. What happened?”, he asked fervently.

Kurt wiped his mouth, even though there was nothing there. He wished he had a bottle of water with him so that he could wash away the disgusting taste of vomit. He wiped his mouth again, even though his hand just scraped against his bare skin. He felt Blaine’s piercing stare against his skin.

“I… I think I just had too many corndogs”, he said, cheeks flushing.

“..Are you sure it isn’t anything else?”, Blaine asked tentatively. He stroked Kurt’s cheek comfortingly. He hated that Kurt was feeling embarrassed for something like this. He was used to seeing worse things at work, and he just wanted Kurt to feel at ease around him. He still couldn’t help but feel his heart constrict a little when he saw that this wasn’t the case.

“I told you. I’m just sick from the rides”, Kurt said firmly.

Blaine nodded.
“Can I get you anything?”

Kurt just shook his head.

“Could you just.. get us home?”

Blaine pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Of course, Kurt. Just tell me if you need anything else, ok? Anything”, he smiled before getting in the car again. Kurt pulled himself back into the car and felt the need to throw up again when he smelled the smell of vomit on his clothes. He hastily threw off his t-shirt towards the back of the car and slumped back on the seat.

He wanted to tell Blaine that there was something he could give him. He could give him a heating spoon, a needle and some goddamn holy cocaine. He clenched his fingers around his own wrist, digging his fingernails in the tender skin there. He could feel a tingle from the pain and a small smile crept to the corner of his lips. He dug in further. His nails didn’t pierce the skin, but he would definitely leave a mark there. And the exciting feeling from the pain made The Craving number. Maybe if he pushed just a little bit further, it would go away all together. Kurt felt his skin break under his ivory nails and the searing pain shot straight to his brain.

His eyes darted toward the red and irritated marks on his wrist. He wasn’t bleeding as he just barely pierced the skin. What are you doing, Hummel?, he found himself thinking, momentarily panicking. How could he be so stupid as to resort to hurting himself physically in order to escape The Craving? There was no way he was doing that again.

Before he noticed it, the car stopped and they were in front of Blaine’s apartment again. Kurt got out of the car as fast as he could to get some fresh air and Blaine came out right after.

“You’ll be alright, Kurt. I’m going to take so good care of you”, he said reassuringly.

Kurt managed to offer him a weak smile.

“Yeah… But I’m kinda shirtless, so can we go inside?”, he said a bit awkwardly as held his wrist out of Blaine’s sight.

Blaine laughed at that. It was nice to see that the real Kurt was in there somewhere even when they had their rough patches. So they went inside and Blaine kept his promise and took care of Kurt.

AN: Reviews are love.