The digital clock said it was 3AM.

Kurt looked at Adam, spent and asleep on the bed next to him, his handsome profile framed by disheveled short blond hair. He hadn't planned on having sex with Adam, he just sort of...fell into it, like an old habit. He wondered if this was how smokers felt after they had quit. Was he supposed to feel guilty? He definitely felt like he missed Blaine, and wished he could be with Blaine right now. Well actually, why couldn't he?

He took a quick shower in the downstairs bathroom so he wouldn't wake Adam, grabbed his wallet, and tiptoed down the stairs and out the front door. He closed it as quietly as he could, hoping nobody would wake up, and walked across the street to Blaine's house. He felt his pulse quickening. He texted Blaine, assuming he wouldn't mind being awoken.

Kurt: Hey are you up? I want to see you.

Blaine: Right now?

Kurt: I need to hold you. Please?

Blaine: I'll be down in one minute.

Blaine opened the door, looked at Kurt, and yawned loudly.

"Come on upstairs with me." Blaine held out his hand.

Kurt followed, taking his hand, the grip a little tighter than he expected.

Kurt followed Blaine onto his bed, undressed as if he had done it a hundred times before, and pulled Blaine close to him. Blaine let out a sleepy, dissatisfied noise, which stopped when Kurt held him tighter. Blaine was asleep within two minutes. His soft snoring sounded like a kitten purring, Kurt thought, staring at him adoringly.

Dragging his foot softly up and down Blaine's muscular calves in a way he found soothing, Kurt asked himself what exactly he was trying to do here. He had chosen Blaine, so why did he sleep with Adam? He recalled his first year of college, when he had almost failed out. Everybody had been surprised, since he was such a good student in high school. It had just been that no matter what he did, he couldn't get himself to concentrate and study. It went on for months, like his brain just wouldn't cooperate.

He would go to the library, or to a cafe. A perfectly reasonable place to concentrate and study for hours. Sometimes he would go an hour before his mind began to wander. Other times were worse, when he would just sit there all day unable to even begin. It felt like there was an actual wall that had been constructed in between what he wanted to do, and the part of his brain that would make him do it. On one occasion he spent two hours drinking coffee, doodling, and musing on how evolution could have allowed this type of brain wall trait to make it so far. He thought he definitely would have been eaten by a tiger by now.

Blaine whispered something in his sleep. It sounded like Kurt, and then there was a small but distinct moan. Was Blaine having a sex dream about him? He smiled, and started running his hands lightly over Blaine's chest underneath his T shirt.

His friend the psych major had thought that Kurt had a "fear of success" or was "unprepared for happiness" but was that really it? He thought it was some mild form of depression. Adam had just been supportive, but not exactly instrumental in figuring it out.

It had disappeared almost suddenly, without much warning. The return of his brain to normal function sort of coincided with when he began tutoring math. Why was it so much easier for him to get himself moving and productive when it was to help someone else? When he just needed to help himself, he could be stuck for days, weeks, accomplishing nothing.

Maybe that was how he was supposed to be seeing this situation, as if Blaine was the one that needed his help. At this moment he was somehow lost. The map in his brain was old and obsolete and he was too tired to find a new one. The wall was back. Why did this have to happen right now? Right when something beautiful and horrible was happening, when he needed to be smart and alert and sensitive?

He buried his face in Blaine's hair, closed his eyes, and tried to sleep. Why couldn't he be better for Blaine? Blaine deserved somebody whole and certain.