JACA 50thAnniversary Special Edition

Journal of the American Candidate Association: Encompassing the full scope of candidate practice in the United States and across the globe.

Soulmate(s)?

Allison M. Smythe, PhD

In a 1995 survey of candidate counselors conducted in New York, NY by Pinci, et al., the subject of polyamorous soulmate groupings were discussed in the context of pathology. But, is this really an ideology that, in 2013, we are still adhering to? The number of out polyamorous soulmate spouses has grown significantly in the past decade and it is time for the medical community to update their mindset. As part of the Love Makes A Family project, excerpts of an interview is included below. The question posed to each couple was this: What has been the biggest challenge and the biggest joy in your soulmate relationship?

Excerpt: BH, KH, and AH are three gay men aged 30-42 who have been soulmates for ten years. KH works as a personal designer and a candidate counselor, AH is a pediatrician, and BH writes music and lyrics for live theater and popular music groups.

KH: The biggest joy is the abundance of love from both of my soulmates. They are such different people but we still fit together and support each other in everything we do. I think the biggest challenge was accepting polyamory as a possibility in the first place, since it was outside the realm of all of our experience. Then when I met people who told me about having a primary and a secondary partner, I knew that didn't quite fit our situation either. We are all each other's primary partner. But each situation and relationship is unique, it doesn't have to fit into a preset mold.

BH: Definitely. That's one of the biggest things I have learned from K and A, that we need to make our own relationship into something that works for us personally. Yes, this relationship began as a competition between me and A for K's affection, but that isn't what it is anymore. I think the biggest challenge was getting over the hurt that the initial competition had caused between us.

AS: You don't mean an actual official competition, do you?

BH: No of course not. That is a violent, antiquated ritual that no longer takes place in this country. If it hasn't been outlawed yet, it should be. But anyway, I think the biggest joy is our adopted son. He is 5 years old now, and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. K likes to say that he looks like me, though we are not genetically related.

AH: I think he looks like you too, B. And he definitely sings like you. He is going to be a heart breaker when he grows up, and it will be my job to keep him in check. For me, the biggest joy has been learning to embrace the chaos. I had always thought my life would go according to plan, and I could not be happier that it hasn't. The biggest challenge for me is letting go of control of a situation. In the office, I have a schedule each day that I stick to, but at home anything could happen really. K and I had been a couple a long time before we met B, and it took me a while to accept that our dynamic had changed. But B has been an absolute godsend for us and for me. He inspires me every day with his art.

KH: He inspires me too. So do you, A. I think Allison better ask us another question before we start getting too corny and lovey dovey here, because this is a slippery slope.

I did ask another question, as KH suggested, and at the end of the interview got to meet their son. He was very energetic and smiley, and called each dad by their first name. Other spouses I interviewed included a variety of combinations of men and women of different sexual orientations, each with a unique dynamic and each with an abundance of love. The entirety of this interview and 13 others I have done can be found in audio and written form at the gallery showing of Love Makes A Family, at Chelsea Gallery West End from September 1st– September 17th. Thirteen area artists have participated in this project and added mixed media illustrations for each interview.

Based on the proceedings of the 2012 annual meeting and exposition of candidate counselors, there appears to be a divide in the profession. There are those that subscribe to the more traditional value of just two soulmates, and those that are open to the possibility of three or more within one soulmate relationship.

While cognizant of the fact that the artistic representation of soulmates may not be easily accessible for all candidate counselors, I still urge readers to listen to the interviews themselves. I have provided an accredited continuing education program for 2 credits which will be available online after the gallery closes the show. In the meantime, counselors, be discerning and objective.

Author profile:

Dr. Smythe lives in New York City and comes from a family of candidate counselors. She and her soulmate, Bryce, live with their two daughters and their cat, Spike. Dr. Smythe began the Love Makes a Family Project after the death of her brother, and it has snowballed into an international success in the past 10 years, moving from a small art project to a movement in the professional candidate counselor community. Contact Dr. Smythe's publicist for information about speaking engagements and adjunct teaching opportunities.