Maybe that’s why Blaine likes showering when Kurt’s at work. It gives him some independence, something he knows he can do on his own. Kurt worries. He always has. It’s not a bad thing, but sometimes it can be a little…much. Blaine can hardly do something without Kurt there, hovering over him, making sure he doesn’t screw up or hurt himself. Mostly Blaine doesn’t mind, he knows he needs help with things, he’s accepted he probably always will, but there are some things he needs to do for himself. By himself.

The shower chair is hard and uncomfortable (Kurt had made him pinkie promise and cross his heart and hope to die that he won’t try to stand in the shower by himself) but Blaine barely notices. The water pours from the spout, running in rivulets down his body and he can feel his muscles loosen, the knots in his shoulder slowly relax, the nearly-constant ache in his head dissipating. He feels good, almost normal even. It’s refreshing and invigorating and Blaine decides something. He’s been thinking about it for awhile, wanting to try, but something has been holding him back. Fear, maybe. Fear that he can’t. That he’ll fail. But, no better time than now, he figures.

He finishes scrubbing the shampoo from his hair, blinking the water from his eyes, hand falling to his lap. Inhale. Exhale. He can do this. He thinks back to last night, how much he wanted. Wanted to give it all back to Kurt, to show Kurt how much he loves him.

He drifts a hand over and strokes himself tentatively. It feels foreign, strange. Since last March when Kurt took that first step, he’s only been touched a handful of times, and Kurt’s always been hesitant to go too far, too fast, like he’s scared Blaine will shatter with one wrong move.

It takes a moment, but soon he can feel himself respond, eyes fluttering closed at the rush as he begins to harden. Cautiously he wraps his hand around himself. He still can’t grip things very well, his muscles are stiff and his joints don’t seem to bend like they used too. But he tries anyway, pushing these thoughts away and bringing Kurt to his mind. Kurt from last night, half naked, his pale, smooth skin flush against Blaine, strong fingers sliding behind his neck, teasing at the curls Kurt keeps insisting they need to cut. He thinks of the way their lips felt crushed together, the way Kurt moaned, desperate and needy, as Blaine’s hands had slid down his sides, thumbs pressing into his hipbones. Blaine moves his hand faster, feeling the tightness beginning to coil inside him as he remembers the way Kurt had pressed against him, they way he could feel Kurt, hard and right there as Blaine stroked the sensitive skin right above his thighs.

And then Blaine remembers how he stopped, fear and embarrassment freezing his hands, panic stilling his eager breaths. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t give back what Kurt had given him and it pained him. He remembers the way Kurt slowed, pulling away as he felt Blaine stall. He touched a kiss to Blaine’s forehead, right at his hairline, when Blaine had refused to meet his gaze, staring blankly at his lap instead. He hadn’t said anything when Blaine slid down and curled into himself, his back to Kurt. No words were needed. He had simply snuggled into Blaine, nose tickling the hairs at the base of his neck, a hand giving his arm a comforting squeeze.

Blaine picks up his pace, his breath quickening as he becomes desperate. He needs this. He has to do this. He has to prove to himself that he can. The heat is there, Blaine can feel it, low in his belly, the occasional shock of pleasure shooting through him, and he bites his lip to stifle an anxious whimper. But his motions are awkward and jerky, and he can’t find any sort of rhythm that can bring him past half hard, and he’s already beginning to feel tired. His fingers ache from the tight grip, fatigue beginning to outweigh any sort of pleasure and just like last night, Blaine finds himself stuttering to a halt. He thinks of Kurt’s hands, so long and smooth, his touch practiced and his movements gentle, and he feels so clumsy and inept by comparison.

Tears of frustration prick at his eyes and he stops, letting his head fall in his hands. Not even the steaming water can wash away his failure.


December 2nd, 2019

They’re setting up the Christmas decorations when the phone rings. Blaine is sitting cross-legged on the floor, sorting out the ornaments from the tinsel and garlands, humming along to the holiday playlist he’s spent the weekend working on. Kurt jumps, surprised by the sudden noise, Blaine’s eyes following him as he rushes into the kitchen, only to groan in frustration at the empty receiver. Blaine’s watches in amusement as he tears through the living room and (much to his shame) he’s slightly out of breath when he finally spots the phone on the dresser in their bedroom.

“Hello?” Kurt answers, feeling triumphant that he didn’t miss the call.

“Hi, this is Anita with TBI Support, I was calling for Blaine?” The woman on the line sounds professional, if a little confused, and Kurt frowns. He glances towards the living room, curiosity peaking and he knows it’s wrong but he finds himself lowering his voice and shutting the bedroom door anyway.

“Blaine’s not available right now, can I help you?” Kurt asks smoothly.

“Oh, you are…?” the woman trails off questioningly.

“I’m Kurt, Blaine’s fianc�,” Kurt puts unnecessary emphasis on the last word.

“Oh yes, Kurt,” the woman, says like she knows who he is. “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced yet.”

“I don’t believe we have,” Kurt says, feeling more and more confused.

“Well, I was just calling because Blaine missed last week’s meeting, and I just wanted to check in and make sure he’s doing alright and see if he’s coming this week.”

Kurt looks towards the closed door, processing what she just said.

“I’m sorry…meeting?”

“Yeah, the support group meeting? Blaine didn’t show up last week and we were worried about him.”

“Oh, um, Blaine had migraines last week,” Kurt hears himself say, almost automatically.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Anita responds, sounding genuine. “Will you remind him the meeting is Wednesday at eleven and that we hope he’s feeling well enough to come?”

“Um…sure,” Kurt says, at a loss for words.

“And Kurt, we’d love to see you there sometime. You’re all he talks about,” her voice is warm and Kurt is genuinely baffled.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Alright, tell Blaine we called, ok?”

“I will, thanks,” Kurt says and ends the call. He sits for a moment, staring at the phone before rising and heading back into the living room. Blaine is struggling to untangle tinsel from plastic mistletoe, only glancing up when Kurt sits heavily on the couch.

“Who called?” He asks, brow creasing slightly as he looks up. Kurt studies Blaine, so innocently calm and trusting, and wonders what he’s been hiding. He clears his throat.

“Anita,” Kurt says flatly. Understanding slowly dawns on Blaine’s face and he looks down at the tangled mistletoe in his hands.

“Have you been going to meetings?” Kurt asks and Blaine picks at the tinsel.

“Yeah.”

Kurt frowns, trying to understand. “But…how?”

Blaine is silent for a moment before answering.

“Janessa drives me.”

“Janessa?” Kurt repeats, surprised. Janessa still visits sometimes, brings dinner or a movie she thinks Blaine will like, but she hasn’t actually worked with Blaine since he started staying home on his own. Blaine just nods.

“What…why…” Kurt struggles to find what he wants to say. “You’re going to a support group?”

Blaine nods again, not meeting Kurt’s eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kurt tries to keep the hurt from his voice but fails miserably. Blaine keeps picking at the mistletoe.

“I…I just needed to talk to someone who understands,” Blaine says quietly and Kurt thinks he almost sounds ashamed.

“I understand,” Kurt says and Blaine raises his eyes to look at him because no, he doesn’t.

“You don’t,” Blaine shakes his head. “You don’t know what it’s like not to know your own body, your own thoughts. You don’t know…” His voice cracks and he stops, flustered.

“You could’ve told me,” Kurt tries and fails to catch Blaine’s gaze. “That you needed help.”

“Don’t,” Blaine’s harsh word cuts Kurt off. “You just…don’t get it. I wanted…I needed to do this on my own. Without you.”

Kurt feels like he’s been slapped.

“Without me,” Kurt repeats. He can feel heat rising in his face, his voice unsteady. “Why?”

“Think about it, Kurt.” There’s a tone in Blaine’s voice that Kurt doesn’t recognize, and it scares him. He’s seen Blaine angry, so, so angry over the past year and a half, but it’s always been directed at himself. At the world. Never at Kurt. And not like this. “Do you even have friends anymore?”

“What?” Kurt asks, not understanding. Blaine finally looks up as he lets the mistletoe fall to the ground.

“You never go out, you never see anyone,” Blaine says, voice steady and eyes even.

“What? What does that have to do with anything?” Kurt’s voice rises and he’s feeling increasingly frustrated with this conversation.

“Because, Kurt, you don’t have a life anymore,” Blaine pauses, and when he speaks again his words are harsh. “You never go out with friends, you never do anything! You don’t do anything for yourself anymore. But I want to do something for myself so you wouldn’t understand, would you?”

Kurt knows Blaine is easy to anger, that sometimes he says things without thinking, but he still feels himself begin to vibrate, cheeks burning, eyes stinging.

“You think I don’t want to, Blaine? That I don’t miss my friends? I do! But I’m stuck here, taking care of you!”

As soon as the words leave his mouth he wishes he could reach out and snatch them back. But he can’t and Blaine looks like they were bullets straight through his heart.

“Blaine…that’s not what I meant…” Kurt says immediately, sliding of the couch and over to Blaine. He reaches out to him but Blaine pulls away, his whole body stiff with tension.

“Blaine,” Kurt tries, blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall. The words hang between them and they feel like acid. “I didn’t…”

“I know you didn’t mean it,” Blaine says quietly. He shifts away from Kurt, his fingers reaching for his walker. He slides his legs under him, gripping the walker tightly and pulling himself to his feet with a grunt. Kurt wants to help, to slip his hand under Blaine’s elbow in case he gets vertigo, or a head-rush, but he doesn’t want to agitate Blaine further.

“Blaine, please. I love you and I don’t want to spend my days with anyone else.”

Blaine leans heavily on his walker, looking more exhausted than Kurt’s seen him look in a long time. Kurt feels it too, like the air in the room has become denser, weighing down on them. “That’s why I don’t see why you couldn’t tell me. You can tell me anything, Blaine.”

Blaine’s knuckles turn white as he tightens his grip on the walker, his face a swirl of emotion that Kurt wishes he could read.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Blaine repeats himself from earlier and Kurt throws his hands up in exasperation.

“I’m trying, Blaine! I want to understand you! But I can’t when you keep things like this from me.”

Blaine’s face is drawn, his lips moving like he wants to say something but he doesn’t know how. Or what.

“I would have supported you,” Kurt says after a moment, rising to his feet. Blaine flexes his fingers and Kurt would give anything to know what he’s feeling. “I would have gone with you.”

“I don’t want you to go with me, Kurt,” Blaine says, his voice strained and Kurt can’t help the tendril of worry in his gut. He’s never seen Blaine act like this and it scares him.

“But, why?”

“Because I want to have sex with you!” Blaine shouts abruptly and Kurt stops. Blinks. This is not what he was expecting. Blaine’s face is red, with anger or embarrassment, Kurt doesn’t know. Maybe both.

“I want to have sex with you but you treat me like some delicate flower, like you’re afraid to crush me, and I want to show you. I want to show you what I want, Kurt, but I don’t know how and I need help, ok? And I didn’t want to tell you because it’s something I need to do, for me…”

Blaine’s hands curl and uncurl into fists, his eyes rapidly filling with tears that slip quietly down his cheeks and he angrily scrubs them away.

“Can’t I do this for me?”

Kurt is silent for a moment, processing everything Blaine just said. Blaine wants sex. Blaine wants sex. That’s what this is all about? Kurt’s beginning to feel a bit like an idiot, but his fianc� is crying and hurting and he pushes it aside for now.

“Of course you can,” Kurt says stepping forward. Blaine steps away and Kurt think he can actually feel his heart breaking. He lets his hands fall uselessly to his sides. Blaine stares at the carpet, refusing to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says softly.

That night Blaine sleeps on the couch and Kurt doesn’t think he’s ever felt so alone.


December 3rd, 2019

“Coffee?”

Kurt nods and sits down on the floral couch gingerly. Janessa smiles at him and bustles around the kitchen.

“Thanks for meeting me so early,” Kurt says to her and she just shrugs.

“I don’t have class until eleven today anyways. Besides, I never see you anymore.”

“But you’ve been seeing plenty of Blaine lately.”

Janessa pauses, looking over to him, her eyes apologetic.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says, rubbing his temples. “It’s just…Blaine and I got into a fight last night.”

Janessa looks sympathetic, padding back over to him and handing him a mug. She sits in the green plaid rocking chair across from him. A fat orange cat twirls against her feet and she reaches down to scratch his ears.

“What happened?”

“I found out about the support group,” Kurt says, rubbing his hands on his legs nervously. “And I might have reacted a little…regrettably, but Blaine just…exploded.”

“Fighting is natural, Kurt,” Janessa says reassuringly. “Honestly, I’d be worried if you guys never fought.”

Kurt looks into his coffee, as if he could find all the answers hidden in the pale swirls of creamer.

“I think I’ve been so wrapped up in keeping Blaine safe, that I haven’t paid attention to what he actually wants.”

The cat nudges against Kurt’s leg as he speaks before jumping onto the couch beside him. Kurt strokes his back, feels the soft vibrations as he purrs his contentment.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Kurt,” Janessa says and Kurt takes a nervous sip of coffee. “You put so much work into making sure Blaine is ok, and we both know he’s not very good at expressing his emotions.”

“I know… It’s just, I try and be there for him, you know? I tell him everything, and I don’t know why he doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t…he won’t talk to me. I had no idea he wanted sex,” Kurt says the last word quietly, cheeks flushing and he stares at the cat, frowning as he starts licking Kurt’s pants. Janessa taps a rhythm on her mug before speaking.

“Kurt, I’ve been talking to Blaine a lot lately,” she says slowly, as if weighing Kurt’s reaction. Kurt just takes a sip of coffee, concentrating on the cat. “He does trust you, and he really wants to talk to you about all…this,” she waves her hand in Kurt’s direction and he feels himself blushing, “but he doesn’t know how.”

“But…” Kurt starts and Janessa cuts him off.

“He’s embarrassed, Kurt.”

“What? Why?”

Janessa leans back in her chair, taking a long drink and raising an eyebrow at Kurt.

“Why haven’t you had sex with him yet?”

Kurt blinks and looks back down. The cat looks up at him, cocking his head as if interested in his answer.

“I want to,” he says, struggling to put his thoughts into words. “I just…I’m scared of hurting him. I don’t want it to be too much for him.” Pause. “I don’t want to do something wrong and screw everything up.”

“Have you ever considered that maybe, Blaine feels the same?” Kurt frowns at Janessa’s words.

“Put yourself in Blaine’s shoes,” Janessa continues before Kurt can say anything. “You’re hot, Kurt, and of course Blaine wants to tap that.” Kurt snorts. “Blaine’s improved so much, and he wants to move forward, to get back to the life he had before. But he can’t do things like he used to, and he needs help. I know you guys have been…experimenting, and that you’ve guided him through everything. Now Blaine wants to give it back to you, but he’s still getting used to his body and he doesn’t want to hurt you.”

Kurt sips his coffee, thinking over Janessa’s words. It makes sense. Blaine’s seeming agitation when they make out, why he was so scared to talk about it until Kurt forced it out of him. He wasn’t angry or uninterested. He was scared and embarrassed. After a moment Janessa speaks again.

“That’s why he’s going to the support group. There’s only so much you and I can do for him, and some things he needs to figure out on his own. You’ve always been there for him, but you can’t help him with everything.”

Kurt nods and he finally understands.

“I’m an idiot,” he breathes and Janessa chuckles.

“No, you’re in love. There’s a difference.” Kurt smiles and she gets up, shuffling over to her bookshelf and extracting two books. She hands them over and Kurt can feel the red creeping back into his cheeks as he reads the titles. Sex after Brain Injury? Get ready for the ride! and 20 Safe (and mind blowing!) Sex Positions.

“I did a research project on this,” Janessa explains and taps her finger on the cover of the second book. “We used this one when my boyfriend sprained his back. The best is on page twelve.”

Kurt raises an eyebrow at her and Janessa smiles mischievously, kneeling on the couch beside Kurt.

“I can demonstrate for you if you want.” Kurt swats her arm and Janessa just shrugs. “Your loss.”

“I’m heartbroken,” Kurt responds before looking at Janessa earnestly. “Thank you, though. For being there for Blaine.” Janessa leans forward and presses a quick kiss to his cheek.

“Anytime, yo,” she says and gives his arm a squeeze. “Good luck.”

-

It’s mid-afternoon when Kurt gets home. Blaine won’t be expecting him. Snow crunches under his boots and he walks up to the house, his purchases hidden behind his back.

“Blaine?” he calls when he gets inside, hanging his jacket in the closet and kicking off his boots. Silence greets him. He frowns and hopes Blaine’s not still mad at him.

“Blaine,” he shouts again, padding into the living room. Everything is impeccably clean, but no one’s there. Refusing to let himself panic yet he makes his way to the bedroom. The bed is made and empty. The bathroom is open and vacant and Kurt’s heart begins to thud in his chest. He races back into the living room, heading for the kitchen when he stops abruptly. The back door is slightly open, Blaine’s walker abandoned beside it.

Cautiously Kurt toes on the slippers he keeps by the door, and quietly slips outside. Blaine is leaning against the wood railing of their tiny porch, wearing only a hoodie for warmth. Kurt’s stomach twists nervously.

“Blaine?” he says softly, moving to stand beside his fianc�. Blaine doesn’t look at him, just continues to stare at his clasped hands, his breath misting the air in long puffs.

“It’s cold out.” Kurt wishes he had brought his jacket so he could wrap it over Blaine’s shoulders.

“You’re home early,” Blaine says and Kurt breathes a sigh of relief. At least Blaine is talking to him.

“I wanted to see you,” Kurt says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Which it is, to him. Silence presses down on them and Kurt watches the snow falling, tiny flakes glinting in the afternoon sun.

“I’m sorry, Blaine, about what I said last night. I shouldn’t have pushed you, and I didn’t mean what I said.”

Blaine stirs beside him, eyes flickering up to Kurt’s face.

“It’s my fault. I should have told you but…” he digs his thumbnail into the wood railing. “I didn’t mean to shout at you. I just… It’s so hard to control. It’s like I feel everything at once and I can’t…filter anything.”

“I know,” Kurt wraps his hands around Blaine’s. “I should have trusted you. You’re your own person, Blaine. And I’m my own person. I’ve spent so long helping you that I think…I’ve forgotten. But Blaine, you know I love you, more than anything. You’re the tinsel to my mistletoe.”
Blaine leans into Kurt until his head is resting on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Blaine says, air misting with every word.

“You shouldn’t have had too, if you didn’t want too.” Kurt presses a kiss into his curls.

“You need a haircut,” his voice is muffled and Blaine chuckles. There’s a comfortable silence, both boys content with just this. Being close.

“Tinsel to my mistletoe?” Blaine breaks the quiet with a smile and Kurt shrugs.

“You better believe it. That shit never comes apart.”

Blaine laughs and Kurt feels a surge of warmth in his heart.

“Now let’s get you inside. You’re freezing and I got you a present.”

-

Blaine’s present is two books with atrocious titles and a bottle of lube with a tacky silver bow stuck on top, all topped with a single red rose. Blaine blinks as he looks from the table to Kurt, who is gazing at him anxiously and it’s only then that Blaine realizes Kurt is actually serious.

“How romantic,” Blaine says, amused, picking up the bottle of lube and turning it over in his hand. Kurt is pressing in behind him, his chest flush with Blaine’s back, chin resting on his shoulder and Blaine can feel his warmth seeping into him.

“I thought that maybe, if you wanted too, we could try something new,” Kurt whispers, voice seductive, yet tinged with nervousness. A smile creeps onto Blaine’s face despite his own nerves fluttering in his belly. He had half expected that, despite his words, Kurt would still want to wait it out.

“I already skimmed through the books, but we can wait for you to read them…if you want too,” Kurt’s sounding more anxious with Blaine’s lack of response and Blaine sets down the lube and turns, taking Kurt’s hands in his own.

“You can give me the cliff notes version,” Blaine says, voice sounding higher than he would like and Kurt’s eyes crinkle at the corner as he smiles and squeezes his fingers.

“Your hands are freezing,” he says and Blaine doesn’t argue because his whole body feels like it’s turned into ice, and he knows standing outside without a jacket was probably the stupidest thing he’s done in awhile. Kurt lifts Blaine’s right hand, the one that always seems to give him the most trouble, and presses a kiss to the fingers before parting his lips and exhaling. Blaine feels a tingle go down his spine. Kurt caresses the back of his hand and before Blaine is entirely aware of what’s going on Kurt is slipping his finger in his mouth and oh.

Kurt’s eyes stay on his and his mouth is hot and Blaine thinks his heart might beat out of his chest. Eyes flutter shut as Kurt slips a second finger in his mouth, warming them with an experimental suck and Blaine wonders how he ended up with someone so perfect and caring and tender. After a moment Kurt draws Blaine’s fingers back, lowering their hands and pressing their lips together. There’s a passion in the kiss, lacking the urgency and desperation that had Blaine faltering before, and Blaine knows Kurt finally understands.

Blaine parts his lips, taking a step so their chests are flush and he can feel the hammering of Kurt’s heart, matching his own. The kiss is careful but wonderful, Kurt’s hands sliding down Blaine’s sides, playing with the hem of his shirt before crawling underneath and stroking smooth against his skin. Blaine moans but his knees go weak because this is a lot to take in and he’s emotionally and physically exhausted and he’s not sure his brain can keep up right now.

“Kurt,” he whispers, lips still clinging to his fianc�’s, as though reluctant to let go. Kurt pulls back, eyes meeting Blaine’s, concerned.

“Is this ok?” Kurt asks. Blaine nods.

“Yeah, I’m just…tired,” he says, reluctant but Kurt understands, withdrawing his hands from under Blaine’s shirt and wrapping them around his back instead. Blaine lets his head rest in the crook of Kurt’s neck. He smells like vanilla and musk and love.

“Tonight?” Blaine murmurs into Kurt’s neck, and Kurt nods.

“Tonight.”