Dear Kurt,

They’ve convinced me you don’t exist. They keep telling me that i made you up. I sometimes believe them, but then the medicine wears off and i remember you. That doctor keeps telling me that you don’t exist. Telling me to forget everything about you. There isn’t much i remember about you Kurt, except that you stood up to me. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you had let them beat me up. I wish i had died.

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4th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

They don’t let me do anything other than sit in my room. I’m not allowed anything other than this pencil and notebook. They think i’m going to attempt to kill myself again. They are right. But we both know that i’ll fail. I always fail at everything.
They didn’t change my nurse. I still have that sad looking nurse. She keeps smiling at me with her sad, sad eyes. I wish she’d stop. She keeps making smilie faces on my pancakes. i might stop eating if she contiues.

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5th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

I have a shrink, did i tell you about him? he reminds me of you. I told him about you. He said he wants to see me get better and that i do matter. but i cant trust him. He always looks so sad. He didn’t try and convince me that you aren’t real. i guess he just doesn’t want to take away the only thing i have. you. even if you aren’t real.
He is a bit creepy. He keeps staring at me when he thinks i can’t see him. i suppose they are just waiting for me to try and do something stupid again so they can come in and save me and be my heroes. but they don’t know that heroes don’t exist.
You were my hero. But they’ve told me you don’t exist. now they want to replace you. I won’t let them replace you.

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8th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

They took us to the beach. It was just us crazy, hopeless people at the beach in this cold weather. They thought we’d have fun. i guess everyone else had fun. i just couldn’t stop thinking about you once i’d seen the park. then i remembed you don’t exist.

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12th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

They found me in the bathroom again two days ago. They took my razon from me. they had that nurse with the sad, sad eyes in my room just staring at me. She’d be at my side even if i sneezed. do you think i can stab myself with this pencil? i’m not going to try that because we both know i’d fail and they’d take it away and then i can’t write to you.
I saw the shrink again today. He told me that i should never try and forget you.

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07:55am

He sneaks into the kitchen and draws a smilie face on the pancakes with honey and strawberries that were in the tray for Blaine.

He knows Blaine finds it odd but he still does it every morning.

But the other day while he sat at his table in the far end of the dinning hall he saw Blaine eat, and saw him smile for the very first time.

His smile still hasn’t changed.

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17th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

The shrink gave me a new notebook today. He said it is my birthday and that i’m 18 years old and that this one is getting old. I dont know how he knows about my notebook ive not told him about it, i suppose he’s been spying on me.
Its sad really that i’ve spent 18 years on this piece of rock and failed to kill myself. Yet innocent people die all the time, like all those people who died in that house fire last year, they all just burned. it must have felt horrible to die. why must those who wish to live die, and those that wish to die never do?
That one girl that lived next door to us, she died after i went round to hand her mum back a bag aunt had borrowed.
they told me she was ill before i saw her, the voices tell me it was my fault.
maybe if i want to live i’d die, i’d finally manage to kill myself when i want to live. that would be funny won’t it?
They brought in this really old man yesterday. He’s completley lost it, he just spends all day talking to the wall.
well in that case i’ve lost it as well, since i spend most of my time thinking about you, writing letters to you and i also think about dying a lot.
I just need to convince them to give my razor back my beard is growing.
i feel sad for the old man. he’s had no vistors. neither have i.

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20th March 1997

Dear Kurt,

They gave my razor, they said they trust me now.
They made the nurse with the sad, sad eyes watch me while i shaved my face, she turned the other way and i took the blades out and hid them in my pocket.
Its funny. i’m just about to break their trust. again. i just don’t see why they want me to be alive.
I won’t even get to write you letters from my new notebook.
i’m no use to anyone.
i’m just wasting thier time and resourses.
That old man died the other day.
The voices in my head said that it’s my fault he died.
Goodbye

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03:05am

He watches Blaine through the window of his door.

Blaine isn’t crying himself to sleep.

That is a good sign.

He really wants to tell Blaine that he is Kurt, that he is real, but he can’t and it hurts him.

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