They said he looked like an angel covered in blood, that had fallen from the heavens above.

14 notes were unfinished, he never was brave enough to sign his name and end his life, not until today.

They were all addressed to someone called Kurt, no such person exists with this name.

——-

14th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can’t take it anymore. I plan to kill myself in 15 minutes. I should be dead by 23:55.

——-

15th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

Its getting a lot worse now. They keep telling me to kill myself and that i shouldn’t even be alive, that i was a mistake and my parents should have killed me before i was born. One of them even offered to kill me, he said he’d kill me and then cut me up into tiny pieces and feed me to his dogs. Its funny because my mother died right after giving birth to me, my father disappeared on my 5th birthday, my granddad passed away right after I’d moved in with my grandparents, and last week my grandmother died. My aunt thinks its my fault that everyone who comes nears me dies, they say it’s because i’m gay, which is why they offered to kill me as they are convinced that I’d going to cause their death. So, I’m trying again, I’m not going with the razors this time, the though of all the blood makes me sick. I bought some sleeping pills. I hope they work, i don’t know how much longer i can take it if they don’t.

——-

16th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They didn’t work. They found me throwing up in the bathroom and said they were sorry and didn’t want me to die. I’ve now ran away from home. I’m writing you this letter while lying on the train tracks. I don’t want anyone else dead because of me.

——-

18th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can’t keep on living like this, they avoid me and pretend that i don’t even exist. I’ve been locked up in my room for the past 48 hours. When i go outside the kids throw stones at me and the mothers tell me to stay away from their precious children as i bring nothing but death to those around me, if that is true why haven’t i been able to kill myself? i bought more drugs and told the lady at the counter i was going to use them to kill myself. She said that was a good thing and that i’d be doing the rest of the world a whole favour.

——-

19th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I do not regret this one bit, I’m sure this will make you all very happy and you will live long with out me.

——-

20th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I ran away once again, i am sorry i am such a disappointment to you all. I plan on ending my life and i hope i have done it before you read this. I do not blame you for loathing me as much as you do, you know what? I loath myself much more than any of you ever could.

——-

21st December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They found father today, he was surprised i was still alive after i’d killed half his family by just being born. I sure hope he is happy now that i am dead.

——-

22nd December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I plan to leave this horrible, horrible, world soon and go to a much better place, but i’d probably end up in hell.

——-

23rd December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I won’t let them get to me anymore, I won’t let them have the pleasure of killing me, I will kill myself.

——-

24th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I don’t understand why i was given this life, i wish he would take it away now, I’ve tried so many times to end it, i try again tonight. I have attacked 5 razor blades to the back of my dead mothers wooden comb, all i have to do is run it across my throat and it will all be over and everyone will finally have what they wanted.

——-

25th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

They said today was a good day to die because it was the day that their lord came to this hellish earth and it makes for a perfect day for such an evil person to be gone from this world for good. I guess i can give them this one gift that will make them happy.

——-

26th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I have the things here. I am going to end this now. Goodbye

——-

27th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

Father died last night. It was my fault. I know it was. He was alive, missing but alive, and then he comes back into my life and dies. Why do i kill those i love very much? I suppose that is why i haven’t managed to kill myself because no one hates me as much as i do.

——-

28th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

I can’t take it any longer, it hurts so much, even though i’d stop feeling things years ago. The voices inside my head are back and even they are telling my to kill myself, they tell me to burn this house down, I tried that this morning but they’d got rid of all the oil and fire supplies from this house. i guess they know. I wish they’d try to stop me and just tell me that they love me.

——-

29th December 1996

Dear Kurt,

This is written in my blood, i hope that it is seen as some romantic gesture and doesn’t creep you out. I always saw life as an invisible staircase that just ends, and i suppose that is why i haven’t managed to kill myself yet but the more i realize that this is what i must do, that this is how it is supposed to be, the clearer i see this invisible staircase and the ending is so close now. I have the things set out in front of me. I am leaving this planet tonight, for good. The pills to my left and the razors to my right. I think i can do it, end it all now. End all this pain forever. Lets see if these will work. If they don’t i bought a gun and that would certainly end it.

Goodbye cruel world.

Blaine.