Aug. 27, 2012, 5:27 a.m.
A Fresh Start
A Fresh Start: Chapter 9
E - Words: 3,461 - Last Updated: Aug 27, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 36/36 - Created: Aug 25, 2012 - Updated: Aug 27, 2012 1,553 0 2 1 0
Kurt gripped Elliott's hand tightly as he walked through the front door of the therapist's office. He felt a combination of anticipation and dread pooling in his stomach as they signed in and settled in the waiting room. Elliott happily abandoned his hold on his father when he saw the Tonka truck treasure trove awaiting him.
Kurt wrung his hands nervously as he watched Elliott interact with another small boy. The other child was talking animatedly about the imaginary world they could invent for all the cars. Elliott simply listened and smiled shyly, handing the other boy whatever car or truck he requested. They seemed to be getting along well despite the language barrier. Kurt laughed to himself as that particular phrase popped into his head, although there was no amusement in it. That terminology made it seems as though El spoke a different language instead of just not speaking at all.
(Come on, buddy. Just say something. Anything. I don't care if you're rude even, just do it for Daddy!) Of course he would never say these things out loud. He knew his son well enough to know that any pressure placed in this area would only make him withdraw further and he had come so far.
"Dr. Hummel? We're ready for you now."
Kurt stood and held his hand out to Elliott. For the first time since entering the building the little boy seemed nervous and instead of taking his father's hand, he reached both arms into the air, waiting to be picked up. Kurt's heart broke a little as his son snuggled down into his shoulder, hiding his face from view.
"Right in here please." They were ushered into a decently sized room with comfy looking couches and all kinds of toys and art supplies. Elliott glanced up cautiously when the receptionist closed the door behind them. Kurt saw his eyes light up at the art supplies and with a nod of consent from his father he slipped down to the floor to claim a sketchpad and some markers. Art supplies in hand, he grabbed Kurt's arm and started to pull him toward a miniature table and chairs.
"Wait a minute, honey." Kurt grabbed a nearby full-sized chair instead and pulled it toward a slightly taller table. Scooping Elliott up he sat down and settled his son on his lap, helping him in turn to open the package of markers and start coloring. Kurt ran his fingers through the boy's sandy brown hair and hugged him tightly as he placed a kiss on the chubby and freckled cheek. Elliott turned to him with a wrinkled nose that Kurt knew said, 'Really, dad? I'm trying to color here.'
"Yes, stinker. I'm gonna kiss you whenever I want. That's my right as a Daddy." Elliott grinned widely at that and cocked his head with cheek raised in the air to be kissed again. After placing another purposefully wet kiss on the boy's face that brought about a rare audible giggle, Kurt leaned back into the chair and set Elliott forward on his knees in order to color.
They only had to wait a few moments until the door opened and the doctor walked in. Dr. Emily Parsons was a young woman, thirty tops Kurt figured, but very well-established despite that fact. He had worked with her a few times as a psych consult at the hospital and had been very impressed with the rapport she always established with her younger patients. The longer Elliott had gone without speaking and the more concerned everyone in the family got, the more pressure Kurt felt to try and do something, though he had no idea what. Kurt moved to stop Elliott's coloring so he could introduce them. Dr. Parsons shook her head though and simply pulled up a chair and started coloring in another sketch book right next to them. After a moment Elliott glanced up at the woman and after only a small hesitation he offered her the green marker he was holding. The doctor took it with a smile and traded back a blue. They colored in silence for a few moments before Dr. Parsons finally held up her picture with with "ta-da!" Elliott smiled and then held up his own which was complimented by both adults.
"It was lovely coloring with you Elliott. You can call me Dr. Emily. Do you mind if we talk for a little bit?" With a small nod Elliott leaned back into his father.
"So, let me tell you a little bit about myself and then if you're o.k. with it I'd love to learn more about you. O.k.?" At the boy's cautious smile she kept on, "Well, I love chocolate, riding my bike and playing on the beach. I really don't like to eat brussels sprouts and my favorite flower is a daisy... as I'm sure you noticed from my picture." She whipped out the picture she had drawn again with one hand while doing a type of jazz hands with the other. She received a much more genuine grin from the boy at this. "Now, do you think you can tell me about you?"
Nothing.
Kurt shifted uncomfortably in his chair and opened his mouth to speak for his son but stopped short when he looked carefully between the two. Dr. Emily wasn't fazed in the least by Elliott's silence. In fact, she seemed to find it endearing and was grinning at him. Most people started to get uncomfortable under Elliott's intense gaze and lack of speech. Well, duh. That's why he had brought him here. Kurt felt himself relax at that and sat back to watch their interactions.
"Do you like chocolate too?" A small nod.
"What about riding bikes?" Nothing. Kurt knew that Elliott had yet to attempt that as even tricycles made him nervous.
"Do you like brussels sprouts?" Elliott scrunched up his face in what Kurt by now knew was his 'Hell no!' face. Emily laughed out loud at that. "O.k., I'll take that as a no!" She smiled at them both and they smiled back.
"What about your daddy? He seems like a pretty cool guy." At this Elliott turned in Kurt's lap and placed little hands on either side of his face. He sat there for a moment gently stroking his father's cheeks before turning back around and leaning into Kurt's chest comfortably while looking back at the doctor.
"Yeah." The woman nodded sincerely as if she understood exactly what he was trying to say. Kurt could have sworn he saw her eyes mist up for just a split second.
"Tell you what, Elliott, I would like to hang out for a bit, just you and me. We can play and color and do whatever you'd like. Your daddy will wait just outside for you and we can go get him at any point if you miss him. Can we try that out?"
After a quick glance back to his dad Elliott nodded agreeably and that's when Kurt found himself back in the waiting room. Alone. Again wringing his hands nervously. He didn't know what he even had to be worried about. He and Elliott had a wonderful relationship. It was just the fear of the unknown. The lack of control to make everything in Elliot's life ok with the press of a magic button. He reckoned that some of what he was feeling now was what his father had gone through when learning of all the bullying and struggles he himself had gone through in high school. He appreciated the perspective but it didn't necessarily make him feel any better.
After a few minutes he gave up on sitting and began pacing, ignoring the looks he was getting from the other set of parents in the room. He kept this up for a while.
"Ahem." Kurt looked up at the cough to meet Dr. Parsons' eyes and he thought he saw a tinge of amusement although outwardly she remained completely professional. "Elliott is down the hall in the music room playing with our therapist there. Would you mind if we chatted for a few minutes, just the two of us?"
"Of course." Kurt followed her back anticipating going into the same room as before but she led him instead to her office. I was simply furnished but with obvious good taste, which Kurt could appreciate, even distressed as he was.
(Here it comes. Brace yourself.) "So, what do you think is wrong?" Kurt asked in an uncharacteristically insecure tone.
"Well, we can talk about that absolutely, but I was kind of hoping to just talk about you for a minute."
Kurt looked up in surprise. "I... sure I guess, but I signed Elliott up for this, not me."
"I know," she smiled, "and don't worry, I'm not going to go billing your insurance double or anything, but I'm not just a pediatric psychologist. This is a family practice and we focus on healing families. And if nothing else, you are the one who decided to bring Elliott here and since he's not much for talking, (she winked at this) it might help me to hear your interpretation."
"Where would you like me to start?"
"Why don't you tell me about your relationship from the beginning. I know he's adopted, right?"
"Yeah," Kurt relaxed a bit and felt at ease with the way her personality made the conversation feel like just another one with a friend. (Damn she was good!) "I knew I wanted to be a parent since... Oh man, I don't even know how long. Forever it feels like. When med school and my residency was over I talked it over with my family and decided that signing up to be a foster parent might be a good way for me to start. My brother, Finn, is a social worker so he talked to me about it and helped me get everything set up." Kurt took in a deep breath, preparing himself to retell the next part of the story. "Literally the day after I was officially in the system we got word that an ambulance was rushing in a young couple who's car had been hit by a semi and were in critical condition. They arrived 10 minutes later. The husband was already gone. The woman was still breathing but one look at the amount of blood and we knew it was only a matter of time. She was completely unconscious at this point and it wasn't until we pulled back the space blanket she was covered in that we saw she was pregnant. She was rushed into the OR and an emergency C-section was performed. He was so tiny..." Kurt choked up at this and had to stop for a moment to regain his composure.
"Elliott," Dr. Parsons spoke in understanding.
Kurt simply nodded as he wiped his eyes. "I was a goner from the moment I saw him. Every employee in that hospital was both in love and heartbroken at the same time," he admitted. "His mom was gone by the time he was born... like she was holding on just long enough to give him life." He shook his head at this, "I'm not really that sentimental of a person. I'm very scientific in the way I view things, but this... sometimes you just get a feeling about things... about people. Like you know what they're trying to say even when they can't say it themselves. This was one of those moments."
Emily nodded genuinely but said nothing. She knew it wasn't the moment to mention to Kurt that his sensitivity in that moment mirrored so closely what was now going on with Elliott.
"Anyway, we admitted him to the hospital for the time being. There was never a lack of people willing to hold him, that was for sure. Even then he had that beautiful head of hair and huge blue eyes that just ensnared you." Kurt's smile returned and his eyes close for a moment at these memories. Then he blushed slightly at his next words, "My family actually says that he could be my biological son since we look so much alike."
"Indeed," she grinned.
Kurt blushed again and returned to his narrative, "Well, anyway, a social worker came to take on his case and she let us know that he had absolutely no other family that was willing to take him. She said that she would be finding him a foster family as soon as possible since he had been full-term and it really wasn't necessary to keep him in the hospital any longer. It... was like I couldn't breath anymore at the image of someone else taking him home. I didn't even have to think. I went right up to her and told her I was signed up and approved for foster care and wanted to be considered as an option. I've never seen the system work so smoothly. She just looked at me and shrugged saying, 'okay'. There were a few formalities but he came home with me only two days later. The hospital allowed me to take some paternity leave even though he wasn't officially mine at that point. Best time of my life, sleep deprivation and all. It was like I was finally complete. I decided to file for adoption right away and since there was nobody to contest me it all happened pretty quickly. He was legally mine by the time he was eighteen months." Kurt paused considering what he wanted to say next, "Its like we were meant to be. We fit together. I-If I could change things and find a way to go back in time and save his birth parents I would. In a heartbeat. I would never willingly take a child's parents away. I know what it's like to lose one. But I can't. I can't change what happened..."
Dr. Parsons held up a hand at this, "I know exactly what you're saying." She told him with a discerning look. "Can you tell me now about what brings you here today?"
Kurt's shoulders drooped at this. "He doesn't talk," he replied simply. One look told him that she was patiently waiting for more. He rubbed his eyes pushing his glasses up on his forehead as he spoke. "I started to get a little concerned about the time of his adoption. He still hadn't said dada at that point and it was such a big day for us that everyone and their mother was trying to get him to say it so they could record it. The more people pressured him, the more withdrawn he became and I finally had to tell people to back off and that he would talk when he was good and ready. They all stopped at first, but after a while my family started pushing again, only this time they were pushing me. To take him to specialist, to get him tested. He responded so normally to everything else in his life that I wasn't too concerned but I did it anyway just to appease my family. I just today got back the full detailed reports from an ENT specialist to make sure there is nothing wrong with his hearing."
"And?"
"He's perfect," Kurt responded with a frustrated sigh.
"Usually parents find results like that a positive thing." Emily looked at the man across from her over the rim of her glasses with a teasing grin. Kurt couldn't help but grin back in response knowing she was right. "So, tell me. What brings you here?"
Kurt just looked at her in confusion, and not a little frustration, thinking that he had just freaking told her.
"Let me rephrase, and expound a little, if I may," she explained sensing his frustration. Kurt gave a brief nod. "You still seem pretty certain that there is nothing medically wrong with him, is that right?" A nod. "Not only are you an amazing doctor yourself, but from what I can see of his records you have taken him to the best of the best when it comes to specialists. Right?" Another nod. "There is nothing wrong with him physically." Slight hesitation, then a third nod. "You know this. You were probably certain of this from the beginning but you made sure and there is nothing wrong with that." No nod this time, just staring at the floor. "So, now we come back to my original question. Why are you here? What do you think is wrong?"
"What's wrong with me!" Kurt blurted out the ever-present burden on his heart before he even knew what he was doing.
Emily simply looked at him. There was no sympathy, only acceptance and understanding. "What could possibly make you think that there is something wrong with you?"
"Because if there is nothing wrong with him physically then it must be emotionally and since I'm the one intrusion in his life then I must be the problem!" Kurt covered his mouth with his hand. He had never expressed these fears out loud before, not even to his family. What of he wasn't good enough? What fine wasn't meant to be a father? What if Elliott wasn't speaking because he was so unhappy with his lot in life?
Emily just smiled... and held up two of Elliott's drawings. "Do you see what these are pictures of?" Kurt shook his head slowly, trying to figure out what the point was. "They are trucks. And these over here on my desk? They are rainbows."
"Okaaay?"
"These are the things on his mind. Trucks and rainbows. Not typically what extremely troubled children draw." She smiled reassuringly and was glad to see Kurt finally smile again.
"Look, there is no way for me to say definitively in just one appointment that there is nothing at all wrong but I think it's safe to say that Elliott is one of the happiest and most content children that I see at this practice. I would like set up a few more appointments if you're o.k. with that. Yes, obviously, it isn't normal that a three and a half year old completely refuses to talk. I feel confident that it will only benefit him to be here, but this is what I want you to take away. He's fine. He's happy. He loves you. He wouldn't want any other life."
With each statement Kurt felt the tears of relief pricking his eyes, trying to escape. "Then what do you think could be going on? If he's so happy then why would he refuse to speak?"
She looked at him appraisingly for a few moments before speaking. "You need know that what I'm about to say is pure speculation. I don't know Elliott well enough to make any kind of diagnosis yet." Kurt nodded his understanding suddenly feeling that sinking feeling in his stomach again as he waited for the bomb to drop. "Have you ever thought of the possibility that he might simply get being quiet from you?"
Kurt blanched at this and responded before even thinking, "I thought you just said, only a minute ago, that he was happy with me? That his not speaking had nothing to do with me?" He was ready to continue his rampage but stopped when she leaned forward to speak again with another smile on her face.
"What I said is that you're not causing him to be unhappy. What I'm saying now is that you, yourself, are a fairly quiet and nonverbal person. You answered my questions with a simple nod multiple times this afternoon alone, and I can't even count how many times I've seen you do that at the hospital."
Kurt looked something akin to a fish trying to fully take in what she was saying, "So, you're saying what. That he's just copying me?"
"I'm saying you're his father. He loves you like nobody else in his life. He doesn't just look up to you he literally wants to be you."
"So I should think of this as an 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery' type of thing? Only at a disturbing level?" Kurt ran his fingers shakily through his coiffed hair with a disbelieving laugh.
"Disturbing? No. He's three, Kurt, and he loves his daddy. He may be overzealous in this area and there is always the possibility that there is something else, on a much smaller scale, going on that we will need to deal with but for now... go home. Enjoy your kid. Don't worry so much. Encourage him to speak all you can without pressuring him and know you're doing everything you could possibly do for him and then some."
She leaned forward even further in her chair and put a hand on his arm for just a moment. "If every parent was like you I'd be out of a job."
Kurt swallowed back his tears once more at this. The sinking and sick feeling that had been slowly building over the last weeks was finally gone. Something like hope was in its place.
Comments
This chapter was phenomenal
i teared up reading the end of this chapter. its so heart warming.