Chapter 8

“You kept that letter all this time?” Blaine asks me after wiping away the remaining tears on both our faces.

“Of course! It was kind of the last thing I had from you. Apart from some of your clothes I wore the whole time in New York. And it was something like a reminder of what we had. I couldn't throw it away or burn it, as Santana had told me.” I throw Blaine a weak smile and ask him if he's ready to go on. Of course he is.

January 2013

Dear diary.

My head hurts so bad. I have a hangover like crazy and I woke in a stranger's bed. How could I do this? I can't remember a thing from last night, but I hope we used protection. And if we did it, I definitely topped. Fuck... I feel like I cheated on Blaine although I know that we're not together anymore. I haven't heard from him the last 2 months but I couldn't call him either. It still hurts too much to actually hear his voice. I think I would break down. Again. San and Rachel try to coax me into the dating life again but hey... I need time. I don't want anybody but Blaine. Truth? I'm kind of relieved that I don't remember a thing from last night. I'm sad that it happened, but I can't change that. I don't remember his name if I even asked him or what we talked about, if we actually did talk at all. No clue. I'll get past that. Elliot has a new boyfriend. He's happy right now. I hope it'll last a while though. He's such a slut. Well, not my problem. Just friends. He got the memo after all. After hitting on me constantly for weeks. Gah... I had a nice bath, a quick breakfast and 20 minutes ago Santana congratulated me for 'finally gettin' some'. So not funny. I wanted to yell at her but my head still hurt. So I just gave her the bitch glare and the finger. She just kissed my cheek and made horrible noise in the kitchen. Can't be up. Will get some much needed sleep now. See ya, Kurt

I put the bookmark in the diary and look at Blaine. Waiting for his reaction. It doesn't take long.

“Oh. Um. Okay. I understand. You know that you didn't have to feel guilty over a hookup, right? We weren't together anymore and that was one of the reasons for me back then to break up with you. Not that I didn't trust you! I always trusted you. But to spare both of us the shame over a possible situation where anyone of us could have cheated. Not intentionally but in a spur of a moment thing. And I think you were still angry with me and what I did to you, right?” The pained look in Blaine's eyes is back and I pull him closer to run my fingers through his curls and kiss him lovingly.

“Honey, don't dwell on the past, please. I know that you still partially regret your decision of breaking up with me and partially think it was the right decision. It doesn't matter anymore. We got past all that.” I snuggle against him again and he pulls me closer when I take the bookmark out of the diary to check for the next entry for us to read.

May 2013

Dear diary.

It's been exactly 6 months of absolute silence. Yesterday evening when dad, Carole, Finn, San, Britt, Rachel, her dads, Elliot and Ben were here in the apartment to celebrate my birthday - I got a text from Blaine. It only said 'Happy birthday, Kurt. I miss you so much'. What does that even mean? I didn't have the courage to write back yet. Dad knows me too well and after nearly dropping my phone after I read the text, he watched me with a raised eyebrow and I just nodded. He knew that it was from Blaine. I'm still not sure what or if I will write back. What shall I say? 'I miss you too'? Or 'When will you take me back'? Or 'I still fucking love you like I did before you broke up with me'? I don't know. I really don't know what to say. And it will all probably sound needy and creepy. And it won't change a thing. He'll still be in San Francisco and I'll still be here. And he still won't think that long-distance will work for us. So I have to fucking move on with my life. The girls tried to set me up a few times over the last 2 months. I tried. I really tried. But after one date or two at most, I couldn't see them again. They are not Blaine. Yes, I kissed them, or let them kiss me, but I can't do this without being drunk. I just can't. I try. I'm willing, I guess. Well maybe not, but I had another hookup last weekend when Elliot got me incredibly drunk again at that club we visit every now and then. He and Ben were gone after a while and I was alone after I came back from the restroom. I sat at the bar and a got myself another cocktail when someone approached me. Everything else is kinda blurry. This time I fucked up though and brought him to our apartment. When I woke up I had to hide in Rachel's room for an hour before Britt told me that he was gone. Again I must have topped. Strange, really. I always had the slightest preference to bottom with Blaine. Maybe it's just my subconscious telling me to not make myself too vulnerable. I don't know. I think I won't write back. At least for now. I have to think about it. Will get myself some icecream and watch bad reality TV with Britt. See you, Kurt

“You know, I told you that I tried dating too, right?” Blaine asks me and I nod.

“Well, it didn't work out. It was similar to what you experienced. I had some dates, some hookups but no boyfriend. Nothing that was hinting to be or become something serious or something at all. They weren't you. Not even close. No feelings, no attachments. I couldn't move on either.” Blaine pulls his legs up to his chest and lies his head on his knees while he watches me.

“Well, I'm happy that we figured it out eventually.” I smirk at him and he pokes me in the ribs to usher me to go on. It's getting late and I start to yawn when I turn some pages.

July 2013

Dear diary.

I'm not going home this summer. I have too many liabilities and an incredible internship at Michael Kors. YES! The people there are amazing.

I let myself be persuaded to date one of my colleagues. His name is Danny and he's 25. I know. He's quite a bit older than me. He's cute but after our third date and heavy making out in his apartment my brain kicked in and I stopped him from pulling down my pants. Not gonna happen. I told him that I couldn't see him anymore, got up from the couch and walked over to the door. That's when he got angry. He shoved me against the door and held my hands over my head. When he kissed me again aggressively and tried to bite me in the jaw I kneed him in his groin. He howled and fell to the ground. I screamed at him to never ever touch me again or I'd call the cops and send my bear of a brother after him. I hope he got the message. I was scared shitless. I have no idea what he would have done with me if I didn't have the right mind to defend myself. Holy fuck. I'm so done with dating. No more dates. No more creeps. I can better be alone than do this shit again. I don't need a man. I have my various toys to get the edge off. TMI. Sorry. But I'm happy that you won't judge me. I'm nearly late for dinner with Elliot and Ben. They are still together. Who would have thought that Elliot might find someone to get serious. Ha! See ya, Kurt

“You never told me about this Danny. Did he leave you alone after this horrible evening, honey?” Blaine is concerned and I see a bit of sweat forming on his forehead.

“He never spoke to me again and I forgot about that after a while. Nothing really happened. Don't worry, darling.” I calm him down with a kiss and some rubbing over his thighs so that we can go on and after I show him a picture of Elliot and Ben who look into each others eyes like lovesick teenagers I check the next pages.

October 2013

Dear diary.

Classes are great. Internship is great. My girls and Finn are great. Elliot and Ben are great. Dad and Carole are great, Mercedes is great, Blaine is probably great.

I'm miserable. I'm depressed.

Blaine wrote me an email that he would be in New York over Christmas. It has been 5 months again since he tried to contact me the last time. He asked me if I would want to meet him for coffee or something. He didn't tell me if he would come alone or with his parents or Cooper or a boyfriend or friends. I have no idea. What shall I do? Do I want to see him? Obviously! But can I take it if he's going to introduce his boyfriend to me? NO! I wrote him back that I was not sure if I would be in New York over Christmas or if I would be in Lima. I told him that I would come back to him with details as soon as I got any. Did I ask him if he's seeing someone? Of course not! That would be creepy. He didn't ask me if I was seeing someone either. I need to talk to my dad ASAP. Normally I would go home for Christmas but dad hinted that he would love to do Christmas here instead. Will I meet Blaine? What will happen if I meet Blaine? How would we react? Shaking hands? Hug briefly? I want to jump him! And kiss him and tell him how much I missed him. Can I do that? Hell no! Fuck. Maybe I should ask in my next email if he needs anything... like a bed. I would share mine. Holy shit, I'm losing it again. Get your shit together, Kurt! I need to call dad, like now. Will bribe him to come over and ask for his opinion. See ya, Kurt.

“Really, honey?” Blaine giggles and I shoot him my 'don't-mess-with-me'-look.

“You have no idea how I dreaded and wanted this meeting. I was scared and had no idea what would happen,” I say to my defense.

“I know, baby. It was the same for me. I had no idea if you had someone new or still hated me or whatever,” Blaine chuckles. “Anyway, what did your dad say when you told him about it?”

“His first reaction was silence on the phone. For a couple moments I just heard him breathe. I nearly thought he had hung up on me. Well, after that he told me that he would love to see you on Christmas if I decided to meet up with you. And then he asked me how I was feeling and I told him that I was terrified. He understood that and said that I should not think too much into the meeting to not get disappointed if you would show up with a boyfriend.” I recalled the phone call and smiled.

“Well, I didn't. Shall we move on?” Blaine asks me and I take a look at my watch.

“Okay, a few more and then we'll go to bed.” I yawn again and snuggle myself back against my husband.

November 2013

Dear diary.

Blaine and I were in touch more often since his first email. I don't know how to describe it but it feels all new and yet so familiar. We text most of the time now. Easier and faster than emailing back and forth. We avoid speaking about relationships or anything heavy like that. No questions from either of us on that matter. I don't know what that means. I'm scared to ask. Maybe he is too. Britt is happy that Blaine and I are in contact again. Rachel, San and Finn... not so much. I understand their reservations, but I don't need them to protect me from heartbreak. The last 12 months were ruled by my heartbreak. It can't get worse at the moment. We didn't speak about what that meeting up on Christmas will mean to us. If we want to keep contact as in being friends or if there is more. I don't know. I guess I just have to wait and see. Nothing else to do. It's still 4 weeks away. Thanksgiving is over and I'm back in NY again. Family time was wonderful and much needed. Too much food, too much laughter, really silly board-games... I love my family. Still. It hurt when I think what happened a year ago. I really hope that we will have the opportunity to talk about what happened and how we will move on from there. If there isn't any chance to get back together I need closure. I need to know what went on in his mind last year. And what happened in the last 12 months. I think I deserve the full story. Am I being childish? Maybe. But I still love him and I never stopped. If there is the slightest chance to get him back, I will not hesitate to seduce him to love me again. Damn. I need a plan. Have to talk to Mercedes and Britt. Better not get the others into my planning. They will try to convince me to leave it be. See ya next time and wish me luck, Kurt

“Can we directly move to your Christmas entry, darling?” Blaine bounces on the couch and I chuckle while I watch the puppy next to me.

“Seriously. How old are your right now?” I try to look stern but my eyes probably shimmer with elation.

“These diaries make me 19 again. Can you blame me?” Blaine rubs his neck and he grins like he did when he was 19.

I have to lean over to kiss the smirk from my husbands face. I can't help it. He is adorable. Still. It's funny that I still have butterflies in my tummy when he looks at me with adoration, love and so many emotions that show on his beautiful face. This man is mine. Mine to love, mine to care for, mine to seduce, mine to share my life with. I'm one hell of a lucky guy.

Blaine looks at me questioningly and cocks his head a bit. “What are you thinking about?”

“You,” I just say and he ducks his head a bit.

“Okay. I love you too,” he says and points to the diary. “Yes?”

I just snicker and look through the next pages to find the one he asked for.

December 2013

Dear diary.

Hm. Where do I start? Dad and Carole arrived early. They stayed in a hotel for a week until after Christmas. We already did some sightseeing, Spa and shopping with Carole, Broadway with both of them (dad slept through the whole play... and he snored... I'm still furious...), grocery shopping at a nice market and visiting Finn in his dorm (ugh, I still can't step into that room without fear of getting sick). Rachel, San and Britt were great and we had a few awesome days together. And there is Blaine. We will meet up tonight. I'm so nervous I'm scared I'll get sick. We'll meet right around the corner of our apartment in a nice comfy coffee-shop. My clothes are ready on a hanger in my room and I'm currently pacing the floor. Well right now I'm writing this but before and when I finish my entry I'll start again. Fuck. What if all is too messed up to fix it? At least he told me that it will only be me and him tonight. So no awkward meeting with a new boyfriend or something. At least for tonight. I can't concentrate on anything right now. Dad and Carole are thrilled that I'll meet Blaine tonight. I thought dad would want to meet him too and rip his head off. It's a bit suspicious that he had nothing bad to say when I think about it. Britt hugged me tightly when I told her about the meeting tonight. Well I don't want to get my hopes up too much. Better protect my heart and see what he has to say. It would save me some tears I think. Let's see what will happen. I can only guess what will happen. So no more wondering. I'll listen to some music and will get ready. Tell you more tomorrow. Again, wish me luck. See ya, Kurt

“Please please just go on, okay?” Blaine begs and I smirk before I turn the page.

December 2013

Dear diary.

Um... well... I'm not sure what exactly happened in the last couple of hours. Too much information, too many emotions, too much of everything. Okay, from the beginning. When I got ready and literally threw up from nervousness before I brushed my teeth for the fourth time that day, Santana kicked me out of the apartment without another word. Dad and Carole just smirked, Rachel threw me a glare and Britt kissed my cheeks for luck. I walked to the coffee-shop and thought about waiting outside. I was a bit too early but I needed to soothe my nerves with a mocha. When I entered the shop and took a look around the tables I spotted him. OMG. He was even more gorgeous than a year ago. His curls were a bit longer and his skin was more tan. I froze on the spot and gulped. Blaine watched me too and although he smiled at me I saw the same fear and nervousness in his eyes. I mean, I've known this man for a while and his face is always expressive. He already had a cup of coffee in front of him and when I got my shit together I gestured if he needed a refill. He shook his head and I indicated that I would get myself a coffee too. He nodded with a smile and I breathed deeply for the first time after the first shock. I tried to compose myself enough as I waited for my mocha. When I had my cup in hands I slowly walked over to Blaine's table and just stood there waiting. He got up from his stool and we just sank into each others arms. I took a deep breath and just smelled his scent. He smelled the same as I remembered him. It made me dizzy. I missed him so much and I couldn't stop the tears that were threatening to leave my eyes. After what felt like hours but probably was only a few seconds, he pulled back a bit and just held my arms to look me in the eyes. He had tears in his eyes too. We sat down and I had no idea where to start. After a few awkward moments he asked me how I was doing and we started to chat properly. It was nice. We talked about everything and nothing until we needed to talk about the important things. We left the coffee-shop and took a walk around the neighborhood. After we found a bench where we could sit a bit more privately Blaine told me how sorry he was for what happened Thanksgiving last year. I just listened to his explanations and how he just didn't want to hold me back. Blah Blah Blah. I was ready to intervene his monologue but then he told me that he was wrong and that he missed me so much and that he made the biggest mistake of his life. WOW. Okay. I wasn't ready for that but he told me that there was no one else for him and that he still loved me so much and that he wanted to get me back if I gave him the chance. I was silent. The whole time. And stunned. And not capable of a reaction. He misinterpreted my silence and told me that he totally understood that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and that he was too late. I didn't really hear the rest of his rambling because I nearly jumped him and kissed him hard. After the initial shock he kissed me back. With so much passion that I got dizzy again. My senses were on overload and we clung to each other with our tongues fighting for dominance. It was perfect. I was drowning in Blaine. When we parted with dark eyes and kiss-swollen lips new questions were running through my head. What now? Will we try long-distance? Does he want that? To restart our relationship? How often would we be able to meet? So many questions that needed answers before we started something we couldn't get back from. We talked about previous non-relationships. He had some hookups, I had some hookups. Nothing serious or even real dates to talk about. It was always him for me and me for him. Kind of romantic. Well, except the heartbreak and one year of misery. I knew that we couldn't talk about everything that evening and we agreed to take it slow. We both knew that we still wanted each other and we wanted to make it work this time (well Blaine wanted to make it work as I never stopped). He told me that he was in town for another 4 days and if I wanted to spend some more time with him. I agreed of course and we will talk tomorrow. After he accompanied me home, we kissed in front of my apartment for a couple of minutes. I melted. I missed his taste and his kisses and his touches so much. We jumped apart when we heard whispering and giggling inside the apartment and Blaine excused himself to the hotel. He wasn't ready to face Santana, Britt, Rachel and my parents at the same time just yet. We kissed one last time passionately with the promise of seeing each other the next day. When I stepped into the hallway of the apartment everyone hurried towards the living room. As if I didn't notice them spying on us. Haha. Well. It was kinda funny. When they saw me they started the inquisition of what had happened between us and if we were together again. I told them what Blaine and I agreed to and after reassuring Rachel and San that I was absolutely positive that we could make it this time they were more or less happy for me. Dad and Carole hugged me tightly and told me that they were happy for both of us too. When I asked my dad why he was so understanding towards Blaine he told me that Blaine had visited him last month after Thanksgiving and told him the whole story and how he felt about me and that he knew that he made a big mistake and wanted to get me back to make it right again, if I would let him. I hugged dad again with tears in my eyes. Afterward I slapped him playfully because he didn't tell me a thing of that encounter. Well, I guess I can forgive him when everything works out this time. I'm so tired now. After not sleeping last night and all that had happened today I'm just exhausted. I will go to bed now and I'll see Blaine tomorrow again. YAY. Can't wait to kiss him stupid. HA! Now that I can. Well. Let's see. I try to not be too enthusiastic about it all but it's kinda difficult. I'm happy. Fucking happy. See ya, Kurt xo