Remind Me to Forget

Chapter 13

Kurt adjusts his jacket as he joins the rush of people headed for the subway; the brisk morning air at odds with the high for the day according to the weather app on his phone. Shaking his head, Kurt pushes his hands deeper into his pockets and ignores blaring horns from impatient drivers and the murmurs of pedestrians on their cell phones.

Text message from Kurt:

It's too early for this

Text message from Kurt:

I hope this paper doesn't reflect my dislike of mornings

Text message from Blaine:

I was wondering why you were up early…

Text message from Kurt:

Rewrite is due Tues – I'd forgotten because of the new paper being due next week

Text message from Blaine:

Joys of college! ;)

Kurt laughs softly at Blaine's response, smiling as he types a reply.

Text message from Kurt:

Yet another reason I can't wait for you to join me: shared misery

Text message from Kurt:

But why are you up at 8 on a Sunday?

Text message from Blaine:

Misery? I thought you loved me…

Text message from Blaine:

I couldn't sleep…nervous for the performance later, I think

Text message from Kurt:

I'm wearing a certain ring – we share everything, even misery ;)

Text message from Kurt:

Don't be nervous! You'll be amazing! <3

Text message from Kurt:

I'm at the subway :( Text me distractions once I'm at the library?

Text message from Blaine:

Of course!

Text message from Blaine:

Be sure to grab a coffee, too ;)

Smiling, Kurt puts his phone back in his pocket, joining the crowd – each new person he passed looking less enthused to leave the platform than the last – and entering.

Half an hour later, Kurt enters the library, cup of coffee from his favorite café in hand. After scanning the mostly empty space – and absently wondering why college students felt the need to be in public in pajamas – he chooses a table by the window near the closed café; the quiet is calming, and the plethora of outlets gives him space to charge his computer and phone while he works. With a sigh, he empties his bag, covering the table.

Moments later, computer open to EBSCO and copies of various PDFs surrounding it, Kurt starts his music and smiles when All in All fills his ears. He rolls his neck, takes a breath, and then starts to work.

-*-*-*-

Blaine lifts his hands from the keyboard keys, absently stretching his fingers before releasing a sigh. He'd made it through his pieces without any mistakes, but away from the keys his hands trembled  – only a little, but still – with nervousness. Shaking his head, Blaine leans back for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a breath before rolling his shoulders and putting his hands back on the keys.

For a time, Blaine loses himself in the music, focuses on the measures he's had memorized for weeks, on hitting the right keys and staying on beat. He runs through the music on a loop, starting over immediately, until he loses count of the number of plays, fingers moving across the keys without thought.

A series of claps has his fingers slipping, the discordant clash seeming to echo after the previously pleasant chords.

“Didn't mean to distract you.” Burt's voice cuts through the silence. “Sounded real good, Blaine.”

Blaine spins on the stool, meeting Burt's gaze. “Thanks. I just wanted to get some practice in before our performance later.” Blaine pauses, stretches his fingers. “I didn't disturb you, did I? I know it's early –” Blaine glances at his phone, resting beside him on the bench. “Well, it was.” Blaine shrugs and offers a somewhat sheepish smile. “I lost track of time, I guess.”

“Don't worry about it; I wouldn't have got your keyboard if it was an issue. You've been at it a while though. I thought you could do with a break.” Burt steps further into the room, gestures to where Blaine's sitting, “It's been nice to have music in the house again though.”

“Most people prefer to only hear the end result.”

“They're missin' out.” Burt shakes his head. “Practice is part of the process – just like watchin' your kid throw a ball in the yard. Kurt was always singing around the house, and Finn –” Burt sighs, runs his hands over his head. “Finn didn't sing so much, but he had his drums…and guitar.”  Burt huffs a laugh. “He didn't even need his drum set half the time; I lost count of the times I walked in on him tapping on his desk, or a door frame. One time I walked by and he was tapping his toothbrush.”

Blaine offers a slightly pained smile, searches for words. “Finn would do that.”

“Like I said,” Burt tilts his head toward the keyboard, “it's nice to hear music around the house again.”

“Doesn't it hurt, though?” The words slip out unbidden, and Blaine clenches his hands, wishing he could draw them back. Seeing Burt's questioning look Blaine takes a fortifying breath before continuing. “I just – We can't forget him, but doesn't it hurt to remember? Wouldn't it be easier to…avoid reminders?”

“Sure it would.” Burt's words catch Blaine by surprise, and he leans forward without thought. “It would be easier, and at first I couldn't even be in the same room as a drum set. But that's not healthy, Blaine. Not for anyone. And Finn – Finn wouldn't want me ignoring something so important. It took a while, but it's better now.” Burt pauses and when he speaks again his voice has gone quieter. “You still okay with me callin' the doctor tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I –” Blaine swallows, starts again. “You said it helped.” Blaine shrugs.

Burt opens his mouth to respond, but Carole chooses that moment to enter the room, two glasses of water in her hands.

“I thought you were taking a break.” Carole comments with a small smile. “You were in here a while; I thought you could use a drink, at least.”

“Thanks.” Blaine stands and takes the glass. “I lost track of time.”

“Hm.” Carole takes a sip from her glass. “You can't forget to take breaks, Blaine.”

Blaine ducks his head as his left hand nervously taps a rhythm on his jeans. “Yeah. Sorry. I just – It's easy to get into the zone, you know?”

Carole gives a small laugh. “I'll take your word for that; I'm not a musician. But,” she turns to face Burt. “I actually wanted to ask you boys if you wanted to go out for lunch before we head to the reception hall.”

Blaine jerks his head up, his water sloshing a bit in his glass at his haste. “You're coming to the concert?”

Carole and Burt both turn, looking to Blaine. “Did you think we were going to miss a preview of your Nationals performance?” Burt's voice is light, but it's obvious the question is rhetorical.

“Oh.” Blaine holds the emotion in his voice, ignores the fleeting thought of how his own parents never even came to promoted concerts. “Are you sure you want to come? I just – you're going to hear it in few weeks.”

“Been hearin' half the performance all morning,” Burt gives Blaine smile. “We're not the most patient people; no sense in waiting a week to hear something I can hear today. Besides,” Burt meets Blaine's eyes, “We've never missed a concert. Not about to start now.”

“We'll be there, Blaine,” Carole adds and takes a sip of water before she continues. “But before that. Lunch? I was thinking we could grab something together…” Carole lets the sentence trail off, gives Burt a narrowed look.

“I'm not about to turn down a meal where we can all relax.” Burt smiles at the end of his comment, winks at Blaine. “And don't you think about offering to pay, kid.”

Blaine swallows back the comment he'd been about to make, ducking his head to hide his flush. “Well…thank you.”

“That's settled then. And I'll have to remember to preemptively tell you,” Carole shoots Blaine a look, “no in the future; this is the fastest we've ever settled this discussion.” Burt laughs at Carole's comment, and Blaine shakes his head.

“Little early for lunch though,” Burt adds.

“I was actually hoping to practice a bit more,” Blaine comments with a slight shrug. “You can't over practice for nationals.”

“Well,” Carole takes another sip of water. “I was hoping to get to the store, check out that sale. I could go ahead now and you can practice some more; we could all just meet at the restaurant?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Just because we're eating out, don't think you can skip on your diet. I'll be watching you.” Carole's reply has Burt shaking his head.

“I didn't expect anything less.”

Carole nods to both of them before leaving the room. “I'll see you boys in a couple hours.”

Blaine waits a moment before turning and heading back for the bench, setting his glass of water on the end table as he goes.

“Don't mind an audience, do you?” Burt's comment has Blaine turning back, pulling his thoughts away from chord progressions and crescendos.

“Oh. No…but it'll be repetitive, so I won't judge you if you leave.”

“Don't worry about that, Blaine. I'm just here to listen.”

Blaine turns back and takes his seat with a smile. He rolls his neck, stretches his fingers, and then takes a breath.

Music fills the room moments later; unnoticed, Burt smiles and leans back, relaxing into the sofa with a smile.

-*-*-*-

“Rachel say anything when she got back to the loft last night? Or is she actually done with band?”

Kurt turns when Dani joins him at the bar, meets her inquisitive look with a raised brow before slightly shaking his head in response to the first question.

“No. She got back late and immediately went to her room. She was warming up when I left this morning.” Kurt gives a forcibly casual shrug. “Didn't look up from the piano as I walked by.”

“Sorry your morning sucked. Mine was wonderful.” Dani gives a small wave to Santana who's taking orders on the opposite side of the restaurant. “Very –”

“I do not want to know,” Kurt interrupts, meets Dani's amused look with an unimpressed stare. “You've been hanging out with Santana too much.”

“I wouldn't say too much,” Dani replies, happiness replacing the humor in her tone.

Absently, Kurt wonders if he sounds the same when he talks about Blaine, and resolutely pushes aside how badly he misses his fiancé.

“That's a matter of opinion. Anyway, back to your question…I think for now we should just assume Rachel's done with the band.”

Dani takes her time before responding. “She's talented, but we're just as good without her. I mean,” Dani pulls out her phone and brings up a picture from the previous night's practice. “We've already proven that.”  

“Hm.” Kurt nods. “We got our schedules, so I'm thinking rehearsal Tuesday night and Thursday afternoon? We're all free then, at least.”

“Works for me – should work for Santana, too.”

“Planning things without checking with your girlfriend? I didn't realize you two were that serious.”

Dani carelessly punches Kurt's shoulder. “The way I hear it you were planning things with Blaine since before you two were even official.”

“Blaine and I have always been close.” Kurt blushes and ducks his head. “We just…clicked.”

“Right –” The clatter of plates interrupts Dani's reply and she eyes them with a sigh. “I thought college students were supposed to sleep late on weekends, not go out for brunch.” Dani shakes her head before gathering the plates. “Anyway, break's over, I guess. You'll have to tell me some of those stories later; according to Santana you and Blaine have always been nauseatingly in love – I need your side to get the full picture and we both have long shifts today so you can keep me entertained.” Dani winks and walks away before Kurt has a chance to reply.

Text message from Kurt:

Have we always been ‘nauseatingly in love' ??

Text message from Blaine:

Is this a trick question?

Kurt holds in his laugh at Blaine's reply, only allowing a small smile and quickly glancing at his tables before swiftly typing a response.

Text message from Kurt:

Santana's been telling stories

Text message from Blaine:

…I should have known.

Text message from Blaine

And we have never been nauseating – I'm actually pretty sure that from Santana that's somehow a compliment ;)

The arrival of Kurt's orders has him placing his phone in his pocket without a reply, and Kurt gathers the plates from the counter, hiding his grimace at the sight – and smell – of the ‘extra, extra, extra' onions currently residing on the burger. The other plate is just as questionable, the club sandwich having enough meat that Kurt's worried about his cholesterol just from proximity. Arriving at the customer's table moments later, he sets the plates down with a strained smile.

“There you go. Now, anything else I can get you?”

“Mm.” The customer to his left – a college student attempting to pull off the cliché frat boy look – doesn't even swallow before speaking again. “You got vinegar for the fries?”

Kurt suppresses the urge to look away or remind him to not speak with his mouth full. “Of course. I'll just go grab it for you.”

Kurt spins away from the table, heads for the counter. Santana hip checks him when he's halfway there, smirking when he shoots her a half-hearted glare.

“Did you need something, Santana?”

“You look like those guys personally offended you. I'm curious.”

“Onions and an excess of meat.” Santana grimaces and Kurt continues. “Plus those clothes.  They're walking clichés. Bad clichés.”

Reaching the counter, Kurt pulls away. Grabbing a bottle of vinegar from the collection, he turns to head back to the table, shaking the bottle at Santana's confused look. “The latest request.”

Santana's laugh carries across the diner.

-*-*-*-

“That piano's in tune, right?” Tina's question has Blaine turning to his left, pulling his attention from his mental run through of the performance.

“What?”

“The piano.” Tina tilts her head toward the upright piano in the corner. “It's tuned right? This is our first performance of our Nationals set…I don't want it to be cursed by using an out-of-tune piano.”

“Cursed.” Blaine seems to be struck with one-word answers in response to Tina.

“Like we have a chance of winning Nationals if our first public performance includes a less than perfect piano.”

“We'll be fine, Tina.” Blaine smiles and ignores her sarcasm as he nods toward the piano. “I'm sure it'll be fine, but even if the piano isn't perfectly in tune, we've been practicing so much – we got this.”

“Of course we do!” Sam's comment is loud as he steps between them, throwing his arms across Blaine and Tina's shoulders. “Anyway, Mr. Schue said we start in five.”

“Guess we'd better head over there, then.” Blaine smiles and turns with his friends, Sam keeping his arms around them as they head toward the back of the room, where they'll perform while facing the crowd. Despite being on the left, Blaine leads them through the tables, steering them between laughing volunteers and bored-looking caterers.

They join the rest of Glee club moments later, Unique spinning with Kitty as Ryder jokingly dances beside them. Mr. Schue steps forward then, and the Glee members circle him, Ryder, Kitty, and Unique coming to a stop with slightly breathless laughter.

“Alright guys.” Mr. Schue moves slightly, ensuring everyone can see – and hear – him. “I know this was last minute, but I believe in you; now let's give the people a show!”

A group hug and enthusiastic pre-show circle later, Blaine takes a fortifying breath and he takes his place on the floor. He flashes Artie a smile as the music starts, and then he begins to sing.

He dances across the space, mirroring Artie. He spins and looks out at the crowd, sees Burt and Carole leaning against the right wall. A dark haired caterer crosses the room, and Blaine blinks away déjà vu; Blaine turns back, quickly looks out the window so he faces the crowd but doesn't single one member out. Sees a truck parked outside the window –

Steve's dark hair blends in with the night, his face a pale shock in the parking lot as Blaine falls.

The streetlight flickers, making spots dance in front of him and Blaine sees the shadow in front of him grow.

A green truck speeds away, music blasting from open windows –

The music changes and Blaine steps back, blinking away memories. He looks again to Burt and Carole while enthusiastically sidestepping Artie, hopes the audience doesn't see the confusion in his friend's eyes.

Breathe in. No more mistakes.

Breathe out. Just focus on the music.

The song ends and Blaine hurriedly takes his seat at the piano with a sigh of relief, puts on a smile as he places his trembling hands on the keys. He glances up and waits for Sam and Unique's nods.

He takes a breath after he receives them.

Breathe in. Perform.

Breathe out. Focus on the music.

He begins to play.

All too soon the song is finished, and Blaine stands to rejoin the Glee club on slightly unsteady legs. He ignores the looks from his friends, focuses on his breathing and remembering his starting note. He smiles instead, nods to Marley as she steps forward to begin her solo.

The audience hushes, the excitement from the previous songs segueing into stunned awe as the hall echoes with the a cappella piece.

The song ends and there's a moment of silence before the audience stands, clapping. Blaine joins in the group bow, smiling. Then they step back, and Blaine returns to the piano; the Nationals performance was their pinnacle, but they still have almost an hour of performance time, even if their songs are now more for background noise.

Blaine plays the music by route, loses himself in the art of the performance.

-*-*-*-

Kurt forcibly keeps his smile as the couple revises their order for the fourth time. In his pocket, his phone continues to buzz, as it has been for the past seven minutes.

Something's wrong.

Something's wrong and all Kurt wants to do is answer his phone. Instead he's standing in front of a table as a woman who never left the eighties changes her order from a burger and fries to a chicken club.

Finally, she seems content and Kurt hurries away before she can change her mind. He rushes the orders to the kitchen and then steps away saying he's going on break. Retrieved from his pocket, his phone blinks with 8 missed calls from Blaine before switching to show their engagement picture, lighting up with another incoming call.

“Blaine. What happened? I'm sorry – my last customers kept changing their order.”

“No.” Blaine's voice is quiet. “I'm sorry – I know you're at work but –”

“Stop,” Kurt interrupts. “I always want you to call. Now, what happened?”

“I messed up.” Kurt clenches the phone at Blaine's voice, takes a breath but Blaine continues before he can respond. “We were performing and I thought I saw – anyway, I messed up during a performance Kurt.”

Kurt takes a moment, forces his voice to be calm before he replies. “Okay. Okay, but why? What happened during the performance?”

“I misstepped. I don't know if the audience noticed, but I did. There was this caterer who had the same hair color as Steve. And then I saw a truck out the window. It wasn't him; I know it wasn't, but…I misstepped, Kurt.”

“Don't even worry about it. You said the audience might not have even noticed, right? And even if they did, don't worry about it. It was a misstep, Blaine. It happens.”

“Not to me.” Blaine sighs down the line. “I can always make the performance. And even if the audience didn't notice, everyone in Glee did.”

“Blaine –”

“They all asked me afterwards. Sam was afraid I was dying or something, since I ‘never mess up' and practice so much.” There's a pause, and for a moment Kurt just listens to Blaine breathe. “I told them.” A brief pause and then the words a rush. “I told them about Sadie Hawkins and how –” Kurt winces at Blaine's humorless laugh, “how I'm so tired I'm seeing things. I left before they could say much.”

Kurt pauses for a moment, leans against the wall and takes a breath. “I'm so sorry, Blaine. I wish –” Kurt closes his eyes, forces his hand to relax around his phone. “I wish I was there with you.”

“I miss you too. I just – I don't know what to do, Kurt. I can't mess up during performances. I can't.”

“And you won't. It was a mistake, Blaine. And,” Kurt pauses, thinks back over previous conversations. “You said Dad was going to call tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.” Blaine's voice barely carries over the line, quiet and shaken. “It's just. They're going to think I'm crazy.”

“They won't.” Kurt's voice is certain. “No one can begrudge you help, Blaine. They won't.”

“I misstepped during a performance – our Nationals performance – and now I'm going to be seeing a shrink because I'm having nightmares about something that happened years ago.”

“Don't do that.” Kurt's voice has taken a hardened edge. “Don't put yourself down; I know you, Blaine. And no one will judge you for getting help. And they're your friends – our friends – they care for you. Besides,” Kurt takes a breath, “I've heard your fiancé is scary when he's upset, and someone judging you for getting help? That would upset him.”

There's a huff of laughter and Blaine's following words are light. “There's a reason I want to keep him happy, besides the fact that I love him.”

Kurt smiles in response, hopes his voice conveys his emotions. “Well, I love you too…I meant it though – you're precious to me, and you don't deserve any of this – you get whatever help you need, Blaine. I'm so proud of you.”

“What you think means the world me.” The words are soft, but ring with an honesty that leaves Kurt breathless.

“I love you.” Kurt's about to speak more when he catches sight of Dani, gesturing to plates on the counter with exaggerated movements and raised eyebrows. He sighs, and clenches the phone. “Hey Blaine? I'm sorry –”

“You have to get back to work, don't you?”

“I'm on shift for another hour and half. I'll call as soon as my shift is over though; we can Skype once I'm home, too.”

“Don't work too hard; I'm sorry for calling at work.”

“I don't want to hear that word, remember? Anyway, I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah. I'll talk to you soon; I love you.”

“I love you too. And Blaine?” Kurt waits for Blaine's hum of agreement before continuing. “Regardless of what happened today, you're still my handsome, amazing, incredibly talented fiancé.”

He puts his phone back in his pocket with a sigh, heads for Dani and the waiting plates. Kurt loves this city, New York is everything he dreamed of back when he was stuck in Ohio, but back when he was dreaming of escape he hadn't factored in having a fiancé. Much less a fiancé struggling with a painful past while he's states away.

Reaching the counter he takes the plates, ignores Dani's inquisitive look. He knows there will be questions later, but for now he has food to deliver.

He spins away, forces a smile on his face as he passes customers; unhappy waiters don't get tips.

Text message from Kurt:

Courage. <3

-*-*-*-

Blaine follows Burt and Carole into the house, mentally replaying the performance from earlier.

“– amazing performance, Blaine.”

“I'm sorry?” Blaine turns at Burt's comment, embarrassed to have missed the first half of the sentence.

“Just thinkin' bout that performance; you kids outdid yourselves. I know I said it earlier, but really, I don't know how you kids do it.”

Arriving in the kitchen, Blaine pours himself a glass of water, pours two for Burt and Carole without prompting.

“I messed up.” Blaine ducks his head, draws designs on the condensation surrounding the glass.

“You misstepped.” Burt's comment has Blaine looking up, meeting his gaze. “You misstepped, Blaine, and I doubt anyone else noticed. It was a great performance.”

“It was beautiful.” Carole takes one of the glasses from the counter with a smile, pausing to give Blaine's shoulder a quick squeeze before taking a seat at the table.

“I still messed up.” Blaine can't ignore that fact, remembers being frozen before hurrying to get back in step. “There was a truck. Outside the window.” Blaine takes a sip of water, briefly closes his eyes to relish the cool slide of it. “There was a dark haired waiter, and then – then I saw a truck and I messed up.”

“Blaine.” Burt steps forward, looks Blaine in the eye. “You didn't ‘mess up' – you reacted. Something horrible happened to you, and you –”

“I messed up during a performance!” Blaine interrupts, the words coming out of him in a rush. “I messed up and I can't – I can't mess up during performances. We have Nationals in a few weeks; we have to do well.”

“You're not letting anyone down.” Blaine turns, sees Carole smiling from the table. “The performance today was amazing; I can tell how hard you've all worked.”

“And I'm callin' for you tomorrow, Blaine. You're doing everything you can, so relax.”

Love, Love, Love cuts through the air and Blaine startles, forgetting what he was about say in response and pulling his phone from his pocket instead.  

“Talk to your fiancé, Blaine.” Burt smiles. “He'll tell you the same things we did.”

Blaine nods, offering a small smile as he answers the phone and heads for the stairs.

“Hey, you.”

-*-*-*-

Blaine knocks on the door frame to Mr. Schue's office, absently clutching the strap of his bag – a habit he'd picked up from Kurt – as the teacher waved him in, “You wanted to see me?”

“Of course, yes. Please, have a seat.” Schue waits until Blaine is settled in the chair in front of the desk, and then continues, “I wanted to talk to you about the performance on Sunday.”

Blaine clutches the strap of his bag a bit harder, “Oh. Um, there was a guy in the audience. He just startled me, reminded me of something else. It won't happen again.”

Mr. Schue sighs in response before catching Blaine's gaze, “I heard you talking to Unique after the show, Blaine. I believe that you think you saw someone from your past, but were miles away from there. Isnt it more likely you just saw someone wearing a similar jacket with the same haircut? Traumatic experiences can have delayed effects, Blaine - Emma has some pamphlets, Im sure. And you can always talk to her."

Blaine's knuckles have gone white, but his words are steady when he responds, “I know I can. I'll stop by her office before I go home.”  Blaine gives a smile as he stands, glad for the first time that Kurt's in New York so there's no one in the school to see through his charade.  He's turned and almost out the door when Schue speaks again.

“Please remember to get those pamphlets, Blaine. You need to work this out; we can't have New Directions members tripping on stage during performances because they're seeing ghosts.” Schue ends with a small smile, as if his words were a lighthearted joke.

Blaine nods before turning and exiting the office.  It's not until he's halfway down the hallway that he realizes his hands are numb.