Chapter 2

(KURT'S POV)

"You're late." Are the first words that come out of Dad's mouth the moment Finn and I step into Hummel's Tires and Lube.

"Sorry, Burt, Kurt was taking forever to get ready." Finn says. I know he's only joking but that look, that eternally disappointed look on my Dad's face doesn't seem to know it.

"Kurt, you know what time the shop opens and you know what time I need you guys here. You gotta stop being married to your mattress and start being more responsible."

"I didn't sleep in." I say. I don't sleep much at all, actually.

"Then what took you so long?"

"I was just... lost in my own thoughts, I guess."

Dad's gaze shifts into confusion right in front of me before his other infamous look kicks in. The one he saves just for me, whenever I've said something odd. He doesn't ask me about it, just seems to silently accept the fact that I am not like the rest of them. That I am just off somehow.

"... Right. Look, Finn, I got a couple of cars lined up for you to take a look at, so why don't you get started? Kurt, I have some paperwork that needs filing, think you can handle that?" Dad asks as I turn around to reach for my coveralls in my employee locker.

"Should I even bother putting on coveralls today?" I mutter. He never lets me work on the fucking cars anymore. He's got Finn's here to do that now.

"Probably not." Dad says without much thought.

"I am perfectly capable of fixing cars, why am I always on paper duty?" I ask, facing the row of lockers.

"Look, Kurt, you should thank me. You're getting paid just as much as Finn for doing less than half the labor he does."

"But I can do the labor!" I turn around to face my dad but he has already walked away toward the other side of the shop with Finn.

I sigh and close the office door behind me.

"Hey, Kurt, wanna play Mario Kart?" Finn asks contentedly, settling onto the couch with a bowl of chips.

This is actually the high point of my life.

"Sure, man." I say. My clear my throat, it stings a bit from deepening my voice so often.

I sit next to him and pick up a controller. Player number 2, as usual.

We are about ten minutes into playing when Finn's phone buzzes from it's resting place on the coffee table.

Finn leans over to look at the screen.

"Oh, it's Rachel. I better take that." He says, picking up his cell.

I pause the game without saying anything and lie back on the couch as Finn walks into his room, phone pressed up against his ear. I can hear Rachel's shrill voice pouring out of the phone speaker the entire time until he closes the door behind himself.

I stick my hand into my pocket and glide my fingers across the cool metal of my Swiss Army knife. I pull it out for a moment and stare at it. I flip out the bottle opener and the scissors and the blade, just looking at the shiny metal reflecting the lamp light. I haven't cut myself since my dad's wedding night, but I think about it all the time. Having the knife in my pocket reminds that I can do it. If I ever choose to. It helps me feel the tiniest bit of control and sometimes even accomplishment, I suppose. Each day I don't cut myself is a day in which I rose above my situation and came out on top.

Sort of. I guess I always come out on top if I'm the one I'm battling...

Suddenly Finn's door slams opens, jolting me upright as I shove the knife back to normal and into my pocket.

"What?!" I yell at Finn. I turn around to yell at him for scaring the shit out of me; however, I stop short when I see the expression on his face. He looks so... joyous and excited.

"Rachel and I have been talking about it for a while and, well, we're gonna move in together. As in, in the same state. Finally."

"You're moving to New York?" I ask, my heart plummeting. As much as my dad's profuse love for him irritated me, if Finn left, I'd be all alone. I might even actually miss him.

"Yeah! Burt has so many more guys at the shop now, he doesn't need both of us to keep the business going anymore."

"That... great. I'm really happy for you." I put on my best fake smile. At least one of us is getting out of here.

Stop thinking about yourself. This is huge for Finn.

"You mean happy for us." Finn grins.

"Huh?"

"Rachel invited you to move in with us too."

My heart soars for a moment, before it falls dead again. I always have to look for a way out of my own happiness.

"Finn... That's really cool of you guys, but I don't wanna be the third wheel all the time."

"You won't be."

"Actually, Finn, there are three of us. So yeah, I would." I really don't want to be that awkward single guy that unknowingly crashes all of their couple time by simply existing in relatively close proximity.

"No. Rachel has a roommate. She met him at NYADA. They're like, best friends. She said his name is Blaine."

"Rachel has been living with another guy for last few years?" Finn nods. "I hate to break it to you, Finn, but that sounds kinda... sketchy."

"Naw, she wouldn't cheat on me. He's gay."

"Oh." Well shit.

"But don't worry about that, bro."

"Why would I worry about that?" I asked, suddenly defensive.

"Well, I mean... Living with a gay dude... Could get kinda weird..."

If only you knew.

"Well, I don't care as long as I can get out of Lima...." Finn awkwardly half-smiles at my statement. "Thank you, Finn. Would you be alright with me living with you guys? I mean- you're not sick of me yet?" I asked, forcing a smirk onto my face.

"Of course not! We're brothers from another mother." Finn said, holding his fist out.

... I'm just gonna pretend he didn't say that.

I pound his fist back and crack a smile.

It's Friday night dinner.

Finn and Dad are in the living room watching football while Carole and I are in the kitchen cooking.

Well, she's cooking and I am pretending to meekly help her, out of courtesy.

If they knew how well I actually cook, Dad and Finn would laugh at me. Like they did last time I tried to bake something. I could help Carole out if I wished but knowing how to prepare full course meals? That was a too bit fem for their tastes.

And Lord knows I don't have the balls to actually do what I enjoy.

I look up at Carole from where I am chopping carrots and see a pitying look in her eye.

She always looks at me like that. Like I am just sad and pathetic.

Soon enough, dinner is ready and Finn and Dad finally decide to grace us with their presence.

Dinner goes as usual. Finn and Dad talk over each other until the loudest person dominates the conversation, while Carole smiles politely and laughs at the right moments, and I just sit there with my head parallel to my plate. I used to try to engage in the dinner talk but anything I have to say just gets drowned out.

I guess Dad finally noticed the fact that I haven't spoken during dinner for last decade of my life, because he suddenly says,

"Kurt, why do you even come over during family time if you never contribute to the conversation?"

Some family.

Because I get interrupted or ignored every time I open my goddamn mouth.

"Don't worry, this'll be one of the last dinners I'll eat with you for a while." I mumble. Hopefully ever.

I glance up to see Carole's sad expression. Part of me wants to glare at her for pitying me but the other part just wants to open up to her.

I turn away from her and look at my food.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dad exclaims.

"Burt, honey, calm down." Carole murmurs.

"No. Kurt, look at me when I'm talking to you."

I slowly, shamefully raise my eyes.

He still commands me like I'm a child. And I still listen.

I glare at him, my mouth in a thin line.

"I said don't worry I won't be here to bother you much longer." I overly enunciate every syllable.

"Don't talk to me like that." He says darkly.

The tension in the room is palpable. So naturally Finn steps in to save the fucking day.

"Actually, Burt, I can explain this one."

Dad turns to Finn and the hard lines etched into his face disappear as if they were never there.

"Rachel asked me to move in with her."

Dad smiles that happy smile he only ever directs at people that aren't me.

"Well that's great! I always knew you were meant for things bigger than Lima..." Dad says, patting Finn on the shoulder while pointedly not looking at me. Carole is grinning with surprise and joy as well. "But what does that have to do with Kurt?"

"He's coming with me."

His face hardens instantaneously and he snaps his head toward me again.

"You're making his girlfriend let you stay in her home? That's not fair to them, Kurt."

My jaw goes slack.

"No, no, I invited him." Finn interjects before I can respond. "Well, I asked Rachel first, of course, but she agreed. Didn't take any convincing or anything."

"Why?" Dad sneered. It was like a slap to the face.

"Why not? He's my brother." Finn smiles at me. I can feel my heart warming for the first time in a while. I smile at Finn, a real smile. It almost feels foreign on my face. But I make the effort for him. He's defending me.

My happiness is short-lived, however.

"That doesn't mean he has the right to impose on your personal life."

"He wouldn't be imposing."

"Look, Finn, you moving in with your girlfriend is a big step. You don't need to babysit him all the damn time-"

The screech! of my chair sliding across the floor startles everyone as I stand up. I want to meet my dad's eyes, act defiant and strong, but I feel too humiliated. My face feels like it's going to burst into flames and I can't make my fists, resting on the table, unclench. When the silence becomes too much to bear, I make a beeline for the front door and shut it behind me before they can see me panic.

I take our car and drive straight home.

Once I get inside, I go to my room, and pull out pajamas- with long sleeves, to cover up my scars- and rip my hideous clothes off my body, throwing each once forcefully onto my floor, every article of clothing making a loud smack! as it hits the hardwood surface.

I pad into our bathroom with purposeful steps, and twist the hot water nozzle almost all the way, with only the barest hint of cold added in.

I step into the shower, and the steady flow of water is so hot my skin is turning red and raw and the steam is making it both hard to see and to breathe but I don't care.

And it's then, and only then, that I allow myself to cry.

I'm not sure when Finn got home but by the time I get out of the shower a long while later, Finn is in the living room, waiting for me. I guess Carole or Dad must have given him a ride.

"Hey, are you okay, dude?"

"I'm fine." I mutter as I towel my hair dry while walking toward my room.

"Hold on, Kurt." Finn steps in front of me.

"What?"

"I didn't invite you to live with us so that I could babysit you."

"Wonderful, 'cause I'm older than you." I try to shoulder my way past him.

"And I didn't do it out of pity. You just seem really down lately."

Lately? Where have you been for last decade?

"I don't need you feeling sorry for me."

"I just said that I don't. I wanna get you out of whatever funk you're in and I think New York might just be the way to do it."

"Thanks for your concern."

"Come on, Kurt. I'm trying to be nice."

I sigh.

"I know." I say quietly.

"So... Will you still move in with us? Don't listen to Burt, he's just overreacting."

No. He's reacting the way he always does.

I nod. I don't want to give Dad the satisfaction of watching me stay behind.

It isn't until a few weeks later, while I'm packing up all of my things, that I realize that I only own one item that is actually important to me in any way.

A christmas ornament made out of my mother's perfume bottle. I had only been able to grab one bottle before dad put all her stuff into storage. And I've never even hung it up. I was always too scared of what my dad would think. Would he have thought it was a sweet reminder of her memory or would he have been weirded out that his son wanted to keep a woman's perfume bottle?

Nobody knows it exists except me.

I had put it in a shoebox along with the other things I want to keep hidden.

I open the box now and peer into it. My eyes roam over the perfume ornament and the Broadway CD's.

That's it. Those are the only things in which I allow myself to indulge.

It doesn't take long to pack up the rest of my things. I don't have much anyway.

It's a few weeks later and Finn, Carole, Dad, and I are at the airport.

And, I gotta say, I'm actually a little sad to leave.

Despite all the resentment and pain I've felt all these years, I think I'm gonna miss my dad. I've lived within walking distance of him my entire life, and we actually did have a fairly good relationship before I discovered I'm gay. We were really close before- as close as any father and son could be- and nothing can erase those memories.

Maybe it's because of those memories that he can hurt me so easily, sometimes without even intending to.

I still can't tell half the time if he's being malicious or just tactless.

"Finn, keep your brother out of trouble, all right?" Dad tells Finn with a serious look.

Like now, for instance.

What the hell is he talking about?

"Wow, with all of this babysitting and looking out for me, when will he ever get to see Rachel?" I tease, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"I know he'll be able to handle it." Dad says with a grin, clapping Finn on the shoulder before hugging him. Is he praising Finn or joshing us? Probably both.

Carole squeezes me like she is trying to crush all of the air out of me in one go. Once again, her behavior is confusing. Is she patronizing me or will she actually miss me? Why am I always questioning everything around my family?

Just as Finn embraces Carole as well, I can hear them announcing our flight over the intercom.

"Well, off with you. Don't wanna be late, do ya?!" Dad says with a shove at both of our backs.

Dad starts leaving as Carole tells us she loves us and to call her when we land.

As we stand in line, I stare hard at the ground, willing myself to stop thinking about the fact that my dad just left without hugging me goodbye.