He didn't know how the worst and the best things in life always repeated themselves in a cycle, how karma ran amok and made a fool out of him. There was no other reason Kurt would be outside his door on a Thursday morning despite the pouring rain outside, looking beautiful and vulnerable and slightly put out, shaking out the droplets clinging to his umbrella.

It took a few seconds for Blaine to remember his words. “Kurt. You… why are you here? What is it?” he asked, knowing that he was being rude. God, if only your parents could see you now, Blaine.

Kurt stared down at the carpet. “Umm… after you left, I got to thinking – Blaine, I… I wanted to talk to you. Give me five minutes, Blaine, just five minutes of your time. I want to explain, though I know that there is absolutely no good reason for me abandoning you like that. I know it's been years now and we're different people, different lives. But I want you to know how I felt, how I feel now. Just… it's not too much. Five minutes, and I'm out of your life forever after that, if you want.”

Blaine stood there, contemplating how much the decision he was taking would turn out to hurt him. But there was no choice in this matter – it would always be Kurt who tore him apart and stitched him together, after all - so he sighed and stood aside, letting Kurt in. He headed to the kitchen to make them both some tea – there was no way this was working without some soothing chamomile and something his hands could hold onto so he wasn't digging his nails into the arms of his couch. He took the time to settle himself down, trying to think clearly through the haze of anger and hurt that had taken him over in a matter of minutes. How did Kurt even think that leaving him in the lurch in the middle of planning for their wedding even had an explanation that would justify anything?

God only knows
Why I dont just retreat
Stead of riding the rails
Back to the place of my worst defeat

Blaine felt like a stupid bride who, not seeing that the boy she loved didn't share that same devotion, had been left at the alter. And perhaps, in many ways, he was. He returned to the living room and offered Kurt some tea. Nobody was getting any coffee right now.

Kurt took the cup he was offered tentatively, and Blaine smiled, shaking his head. “Not going to poison you, you know.” He sat down and pulled his feet up to the seat. “Okay. I did offer you five minutes. Your time can start now.”

He kept his face neutral at this point, not willing Kurt to see how much this was affecting him, how much Kurt's very presence sank into Blaine's bones and fought to stay there, drown in his marrow and spread futile love through his blood.

“It's been years, and maybe I'm dredging up something that shouldn't be, but - I was stupid,” were the first words to spill out. Blaine bit his lip as he kept his eyes on Kurt's face. “I was so scared, Blaine. Too young and foolish, I suppose. We were having all of these issues, we couldn't live together without fighting, and I was too… I wasn't in the right place in my head. I was trying to prove myself to a world that hated me, that hated us.” He leaned back in his seat, staring ahead of him with unseeing eyes.

“I thought New York was going to be my escape, Blaine. I was teased, hated, bullied in Ohio and all my dreams of New York were of freedom and acceptance. And it was, for a long while. Until… that thing in the alley. Something changed in me after I saw that ugliness didn't have a geographical home. It seeped into any crevasse it could find. I couldn't reconcile it in my head. And the only way for me, or so I thought at that time, was to be better at everything than everybody else. To be steel.”

Blaine understood, he really did. His own experiences had shaped him and he hated the fact that Kurt had been hurt deep and hard. “And so what?” he whispered, voice hoarse as he tried to stop the next words from falling out. “So you went and became steel and then decided to break me to prove how strong you were?”

Running head on
To things that knock me down
Over again
He picked me off the ground
And I wasnt strong enough to fight

Kurt shook his head and Blaine's heart pinched to see a sheen of tears in his beautiful eyes. “No, Blaine. But I did anyway, didn't I? I broke the most precious thing in my life because I was unwilling to let it build me up. And I lost you. I just… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did. I never wanted to hurt you like that, I just… I don't know. Please believe me, Blaine.” Kurt was crying now, his tears falling down his cheeks and running down his chin.

“I don't know what you want me to say,” Blaine said, surprisingly dry eyed through the whole few minutes. “I… I have forgiven you, Kurt. I'm not saying that to make you feel better, I really did. But… I haven't forgotten, and I don't know how to do that.”

Kurt wiped at his face and turned red, swollen eyes on him. “I'm not asking you to. I'm so… I'm grateful for your forgiveness. I really am. I wanted to apologize, I hated myself for what I did to you. I'm sorry. I… things have changed a lot now. I've realized – learned many lessons that came at such a heavy cost. But I just wanted to ask you to forgive me.”

“And you're forgiven,” Blaine said softly, standing up.

Kurt stood up too, looking slightly disappointed and trying not to let himself cry again. “Sorry, I think I kinda… overstayed my welcome. Thanks. For letting me explain. I know it's not good enough, but thank you for giving me the chance.”

Blaine nodded again, walking with Kurt to the door. He couldn't say anything, he wouldn't. He hated talking when he knew that he would regret every word later.

Blaine nodded when Kurt picked up his umbrella. And in that next second, he was wrapped in a hard embrace, he had no time to compose himself or even imagine that it was coming. Kurt was hugging him so tight that Blaine felt like his bones would jump out of his skin. A few seconds passed, and then his arms were coming up and wrapping around the man who had been his love for so long.

“Goodbye, Kurt.”

Try not to be strong
Cry til its all gone
If you hold me tight
In your arms tonight
Oh my love

The pillow on Blaine's bed was soaked with loneliness, regret, memories, beauty and tears that night.

“Goodbye, Kurt.”