14th of April

I'm so embarrassed.

 I can’t believe I just did that.

Why did that just happen?

Why couldn’t I keep myself under control for just a few more seconds?

Why did I let him see me like that?

…I just –I just cried in front of Blaine.

 I feel so humiliated and dumb. How could I do that?

 He probably hates me now, for making him calm me down when I screamed and hit at everything I could reach. (I’m pretty sure I hit him too… Oh god…) He probably thinks I’m retarded or something. I don’t blame him, from the way I behaved.

But the thing that… hurts, almost, the most was that… He stayed. He didn’t leave when I told him to. (I think I screamed some not very nice things…) He forced me down and didn’t care that I hit him (God I really did, didn’t I?) and screamed and cried, he just held his arms around me. He just held me till I finally calmed down.  

I mean –why? Why didn’t he just leave me when I threw that glass into the wall? Why didn’t he leave when I hit him?

How can he not hate me?

Or at least he doesn’t hate me to my face, but I’m pretty sure he hates me behind my back or whatever.  ‘Cause there’s no way he can’t.

God I’m such a fucking (Sorry)… I don’t know. I’m just a big piece of nothing. A nothing that just hurt people whatever it does.

What am I doing here, even?