30th of July

Do you have dreams? About the future? Anything?

I don’t.

I mean, I used to, but they’re all gone. It’s completely impossible to find them.

Now it’s even hard to imagine that I used to have dreams about the future in the first place. (I mean I even had a bucket list on my iPhone.) It all seems so unrealistic now.

I used to dream about getting out of here, of leaving Lima behind and move to New York. I wanted to go to NYADA. It used to be the school of my dreams.

And, maybe the most important thing, it all seemed reachable. Back then there… back then there was still a chance. For real.

 That all seems so distant now. Now when I try to imagine my future… it’s all black. Pitch black. Nothing.

I can’t see myself anywhere in the future anymore. Hell, I can’t even see myself in a year from now.  

And something else that’ve changed I guess is that before… all this, I had energy, will to accomplish my goals, to get what I wanted. There was passion in what I did every day.

Dad told me that Blaine had once referred to me as ‘the most moral, compassionate person he’d ever met’. (Still makes me all fuzzy inside when I think about it.)

That passion is gone now. Along with the dreams and the hopes.

Along with everything else in my life.