17th of July

Have you ever been angry? Angry for real? So angry you don’t know what to do with yourself? So angry all you want to do is hurt or destroy something?

I have. I am, right now.

But I can’t do a damn thing about it. If I do, it hurts and I get exhausted and then they’ll just take me to the freaking hospital again ‘cause I can’t speak. (That’s sort of what happens when I get exhausted. Can’t focus my eyes on anything, can barely form words, heart beating so fast and hard it feels like it’s gonna burst out of my ribcage. It’s annoying, but I’m used to it.)

I don’t wanna go to the hospital. I hate it there. They can’t do a damn thing about anything anyways, so it’s just a waste of time. All they do is ask me idiotic questions and press on random places on my body and asks if it hurts. Of course it hurts that’s the freaking problem!

I mean I know that they can help people, that they can save lives. But I guess I’m just a hopeless case. There’s nothing they can do for me. They’ve already tried everything they can possibly think of.

And I guess that’s sort of one of the reasons to why I’m so mad. I mean they should be able to do something. They always help people. So why can't they help me? What’s so different about me? Why can’t they find what’s wrong with me?

I’ve been on countless different types of medication. Nothing helps. Some things even make it worse, screws up my stomach and whatnot.

Nothing helps. They can’t do anything. I can’t do anything.

And sometimes that is really hard to deal with, the fact that your body doesn’t function and that you can’t do anything without having to deal with… stuff.  It’s really hard. And sometimes I just snap and it’s really hard to get everything back down under control. Because there’s no way I could let my anger out. It’d be too much at the same time and who knows what the consequences would be. All I know is that I don’t feel like it’s something I need to find out.