10th of June

I know I’m not writing in this thing as often as I’m supposed to… Mrs. Fitch keeps telling me that I should try and write something every day. But if I were to do that, it’d be so boring I’d get bored just writing it.

Because there’s never anything happening in my life. So what am I supposed to write?

‘It was sunny out today. I ate a sandwich to lunch. I went to the toilet three times and slept around seven hours.’

Now, that may sound laughable to you, but that’s really as exciting as my life gets. And it really sucks sometimes. Sometimes it just gets really lonely. Sometimes I just want my life and friends back.

  I had a very strange dream tonight. I dreamt that I wasn’t this wreck that I really am, that I was healthy and went to school normally like everyone else.

I dreamt that I was in the coir room with the rest of the Glee Club…

I was standing in front of them, just by the piano, singing.

I sounded good... Grate actually, or so I thought at least. But the others, the once that used to be my friends, smiled, so I guess they liked it too.

I was singing… I can't remember the exact song, but it was a song to Blaine.

A love song.

We were still together.

When I was done he came up to me and kissed my lips before hugging me tightly. I hugged him back and told him I loved him. He wiped away a tear from my cheek and told me he loved me too, that he always would.

  Oh how I wish I hadn’t woken up this morning and realized it was all a dream. Oh how I wish I could’ve just stayed in that wonderful world where everything was as they used to, where every move I made didn’t hurt.

I had one of my… rages, I guess you could call them, this morning just after I’d woken up. I don’t know what happened I just… I got so mad that it wasn’t real. It all just felt so… hopeless and painful when I say the pills on my nightstand and all the schemes made in my room making it possible for me to move around without having to worrying about falling and hitting my head and having to go to the hospital like I did that time.

I hate this.

I hate my life.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I… can’t.

But I’m still too weak to do anything about it. Too scared.