Kurt had started running almost before he’d had thetime to slam the door shut angry after him. It didn’t cross his mind even oncethat he was still wearing the clothes he’d been loaned and that his own wereprobably still lying on the bathroom floor in the house he was now sodesperately try to forget all about.

It was absolutely freezing outside and not even therunning could make the icy wind feel pleasant. It was freezing and he was stillnot fully recovered. He’d been still for so many days and the suddenly highlevel of movement happening made him feel dizzy. The uncomfortable emptyfeeling in his stomach was even worse than usual; the last week his body hadgotten used to eating, and even though it hadn’t been much (due to the foodpoisoning or whatever it was) it’d still been more than he was used to.
  After running for about twenty minutes,he started to feel seriously sick, but decided that it didn’t matter, thoughhis body disagreed and after only a couple of seconds he had to go to a suddenhalt. Resting himself against a tree he started coughing violently, and soonwhat little he had eaten that day came hurling up his throat and before he knewit the unpleasantly disgusting taste of puke exploded in his dry mouth.

  His body hadbarely had the time to finish forcing the food out of him before he startedrunning again, wiping the tears from his eyes. ((A/N because I hope it’s not just me who get tears in their eyes whenthey –never mind.)) He didn’t bother spitting, knew it wouldn’t make thingsbetter.

He moved slower and slower for each step and then,when he refused to listen to his body’s desperate pleads for him to stop andcatch his breath, his legs gave out and he nearly fell to the ground.

  No. He said stubbornly to himself. I won’t fall.

  There was onlya tiny bit of his mind that had the time to stop and think, ‘in what way do you mean? Fall to the groundor fall for Him? Though he barely let the thought finish before he pushedit out of his mind completely. 

   Finallyreaching his apartment, head spinning and his entire body screaming withexhaustion, he didn’t feel as relieved as he’d hoped for. The memories of thelast week and the memories of what had happened the last minutes before he leftwere still spinning around in his head, making him even dizzier than he alreadywas.

  Both his armsreached out in search for something to hit but the found nothing, so instead heended up just flinging his arms at the air, feeling stupid and not even alittle bit better.

He made a move to go and throw himself on his bed, butdecided not to. Lying down would lead to his body not being as active, andmaybe he would even relax a little; and relaxing always caused his mind to gocrazy with thoughts that wasn’t supposed to exist in his mind.

   For almost anentire hour Kurt just stood there, in the middle of the darkening room, firstpanting so badly he could hardly keep himself from screaming, then trying hisbest not to panic. His panic attacks always came when they were least welcome,such as everything else in his life.

  Inhale… happy thoughts… exhale… calmthoughts… inhale…

  Are you really doing that lameass exercise you got from that bitch, like, forever ago?

  Go away. Inhale… exhale… inhale…

  What the fuck is wrong with you?

  Fuck off. Inhale… exhale… Inh–Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck is wrong with me?

  Itdidn’t work. Nothing worked. He couldn’t keep it out of his mind.

  I liked it. I enjoyed it. I felt… safe.

  No. No!

  It was justhis flu fucking with him. He couldn’t feel this way, literally couldn’t –he wasunable to; had closed himself off soharshly from his feelings, had done everything in his powers not to let himselffeel anything, or at least as little as possible, for so long now it went on anautopilot he didn’t k now how to shut off.

  Quinn had beenhis new family. Quinn had loved him as a brother –she’d even told him so oncewhen she’d been so shitfaced she could barely speak. He wasn’t sure why heremembered her words so clearly, why they had stuck in his mind and refused toleave. Because he hadn’t been sure if he felt the same; wasn’t sure if heactually loved her too. Or, he did, and he knew he did, only that… he wasn’tsure if he knew how to, ya’ know? Hecouldn’t really… It was hard to explain.

Sometimes, mostly when his veins were filled with morealcohol than blood, he could actually feel it, that he loved her, but most ofthe time if just got subconsciously pushed away.

  So why was itso much easier for his subconscious to… whatever it was with Blaine? Blaine? Was it because he’s male? No,that didn’t make sense. You don’t love family members that way.

But Blaine wasn’t really family to Kurt now, was he?He hadn’t had the time to become that. And you didn’t want to kiss and just…just be with family members the wayhe wanted with Blaine.

  This wasinsane. Absolutely insane. It just –it couldn’t be real. It didn’t work like that.

Or at least he thought it didn’t. But honestly, Kurthad no clue how… this kind of thing worked, whatever this kind of thing was. Hehadn’t found himself in this kind of situation before.

    After aboutfour hours, Kurt finally had to sit down. His legs gave out the second he gotto his bed, and even though he tried to fight it for a moment, his eyelidsclosed heavily and he fell into a worried sleep, haunted by dreams of, well,Blaine.
Fuck.

 The next day,Blaine couldn’t sit down for more than three minutes before he had to stand upagain. It was like he had ants in his pants; he just couldn’t stay still.Yesterday he’d just felt down and disliking himself more than usual becausehe’d been so na�ve, he’d felt sad and pitiful. Today he was nothing but itchingto confront Kurt about… everything, really. He needed answers, and he was goingto get them. He was done just sitting around and thinking about everything, done just speculating. He needed to know.

  So, aftereating some sandwiches with is mother and making sure she took her medicines,he took a shower and changed out of the clothes he’d been wearing for the lastweek or so, (Changing his clothes really had been one of the last things on hismind, with Kurt needing all the attention Blaine could give him.) then almostran downstairs (almost forgetting to lock the door on his way out) andstraddled his motorcycle.

  Once he wasonce again standing in front of Kurt’s front door, he was much calmer than he’dbeen the entire day. He’d readied himself for being nervous, for being angryand upset. He ended up just feeling quite steady and calm, which he thought wasa good sign.

  Straighteninghis posture, he knocked the door three times. No answer. He knocked again,another three knocks.

  “Fuck off I’mnot home,” came a very tired sounding version of Kurt’s voice from the otherside. Blaine hid a smile and knocked again.

  “Who the fuckis it and what the fuck do you want?” Kurt grunted, sounding a little moreawake, as well as a little more irritated.

  “Kurt?” Blainesaid and he heard the shuffling steps from the other side of the paper thindoor stopping immediately.

  “Get lost.”Kurt said, very low, only loud enough for Blaine to pick up.

  “No.” Blaineanswered, moving closer to the door. “We need to talk.”

  “You need toleave me alone.”

  “Kurt,” Blainesaid, resting his forehead against the door. “We need to have thisconversation, so just let me in. Please?”

  There was aminute of silence, then,

  “I can’t lockthe door.” Kurt answered then, and for some reason Blaine hesitated for asecond before opening and stepping inside.

  “How do yousleep when you know anyone could just step inside at any second?” Blaine askedafter moment of not knowing how and where to start.

  Kurt shrugged.“’M used to it,” he said, running a hand through his messed up hair.

  When theireyes met again, Kurt seemed to forget that he was supposed to be angry atBlaine; he just stood there, staring at him, Blaine doing the same.

  “Fuck,” hesaid then, shaking his head, irritated at himself. “What’d’you want?”

  “I think youknow that already.”

  Kurt smileddistantly. “Yeah… But we’re not going to have that conversation. Not now, notever.”

  “We need to,Kurt, and you know that.”

  “There’s noreason to –like, I swear, nothing willcome out of it.”

  Blaineshrugged. “Maybe, maybe not, but we still have to talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about, so just fuckthe fuck off!” Kurt thundered, so loudly and so suddenly Blaine almostflinched.

  “Yelling won’tsolve anything, ya’ know. Not this time.”

  “Worth a try.”

  Blaine sighed.The silence bothered him because he was supposed to know what to say, he wassupposed to come here and confront Kurt head on, but now they were both juststanding there staring at each other stupidly. 

  “You’re goingto have to tell me what’s going on in that screwed up head of yours.” Blainesaid, trying to keep his voice calm and steady.

  “There’snothing t –“

  “Don’t.”Blaine cut off harshly. “Don’t you dare give me that fucking bullshit rightnot. I know as well as you do that that’s not true.”

  “Oh yeah, andwhat makes you think that?” Kurt said, trying to sound superior and mocking,but failing.

  “Because youkissed me sober and because that was one of the best kisses I’ve ever been apart of; because at one moment you can act flirty and the other you’ll treat melike a piece of garbage that you can do whatever you like with.” It was finallycoming back to him, everything he was supposed to tell him. “You… honestly –itmind-fucks the shit out of me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have no fucking clue where toplace you.” Blaine snapped irritably. “Sometimes you’re all nice andlikeable or whatever and the next second you’re this –this cold, life lesspiece of meat that just hates everything.”

  Kurt snortedand turned around, facing away from Blaine with his entire body. Blaine felt asudden wave of anger welling up inside him.

  “You know –youcan’t go on like this forever,” he said, literally talking to Kurt’s back.“Someday, someone will get real tired of your –your everything, and either justnot bother or make you learn the hard way that what you’re doin’ right now isabsolute shit.”

  “Yeah becausethe way you behave is so fucking clean and perfect!” Kurt spun around, his eyeson fire.

  “What?” Blainejust said, dumbstruck.

  “You walkaround all the time acting so fucking–“ He made some kind of gesture with hisarms, trying to find the right way to describe it. “I don’t know –superior… smilingand just–“

  “So smiling’sa crime now?”

  “That’s notwhat I mean!” He turned away from Blaine again, seemingly unable to look at himfor longer periods of time. “You just –you walk around, loving the way allthose stupid girls eye you, making the jocks quiver and turn by just looking at them. I mean, that’s fuckedup and you know that.”

  “It’s just–“he tried hopelessly. This hadn’t been the plan. This was not supposed to behappening. He was supposed to be the one making Kurt feel guilty for playingwith him, not the other way around. “It’s just who I am.”

  “And youcomplain about who I am?” Kurt saidin an angry little laugh.

  “It’s not…that’s not –I’m complaining about how you treat me.”

  “Yeah, becauseyou treat me so fucking perfectly all the time don’t you?”

  Blaine stayedquiet, accepting that maybe he deserved to be yelled at as well.

  “I mean Iwasn’t the one to laid the first punch on that first day was I?”

  “Are youserious?” What he’d had planned for this conversation was completely lost.“You’re upset about that? I washaving a shitty day and you made me angry.”

  “So you hitme?”

  “So I hityou.” Blaine nodded. “Don’t pretend like you haven’t done the same thing to meat least three times.”

  “The way youact makes me do it.”

  “Bullshit.”Blaine spat. Then, “And talking ‘bout acting, you act like you hate me.”

  “That’s not anact. I do hate you.”

  “You did. Youdon’t anymore, and don’t think about trying to convince me otherwise.” Blainesaid confidently.

  “You flirtwith everyone.”

  “I do not.”

  “You flirtwith your damn fan club for fuck sake!”

  “They like me,I can’t help it.” He tried his best to hide the fact that it was something hedidn’t like about himself either, that it was something he was trying to stopdoing.

  “You’re gayBlaine, and they know that. So stop sweeping them off their feet with yourlooks and smiles and whatever else it is you do to them.”

  “And whyexactly do you even care?”

  “Because ofthe same exact reason you care about the way I treat you; I have no idea whereto place you.

“I mean, you act like that with everyone, you takecare of people who may need it and you look at everyone like that, so how the hell am I supposed toknow if I’m just one of the crowd to you?”

  Blaine didn’tknow what to say. It was just too much new information at once and he felt likehe needed to choose his words really damn carefully not to step on a mine.

  “I never –“

  “Oh but you do,” Kurt said angrily.

  “The way Ilook at you is different from how I look at others, and if you paid a littlemore attention to actually look for yourself instead of making all thesetheories in your head, you would’ve actually noticed that.”

  There came norespond from Kurt after that, and after just standing completely still for aminute or so, looking at Kurt’s back, Blaine decided that, what the hell, mightas well,

  “I like you,you know.” he said then, a lot quieter than before. “No matter how you treatme, and I don’t feel like there’s any point going on denying it. I like you,and what you’re doing right now is driving me insane.”

  “How?” Kurtbreathed, his voice shaking slightly. All the anger and harshness from momentsearlier seemed to be gone with the wind.

  “How what?”

  “How do youlike me?” It felt like he wanted to turn around, but couldn’t, like he had nocontrol of his body. “I mean, I have absolutely nothing about me that’slikeable.”

  “But that’swhere you’re wrong.” Blaine said softly, daring to take a short step forward.“There’s so much to like about you I feel like my brain is going to explodesometimes.”

  “If you don’tstop talking like you’re in a really bad romantic movie, like, now, I promiseI’m going to puke at you.”

  “You’d have toturn my way to be able to puke on me.” Blaine said, not really knowing why.This really wasn’t the time for his embarrassingly bad comments.

  However, Kurtdid turn around to face him again, and when he had, Blaine almost wished hehadn’t. He could see how the other boy’s thick walls shut up harder than everagain the moment their eyes made contact.

  “Why are youdoing this?” Kurt hissed. “You’re just wasting both yours and my time.”

  Blaine sighedheavily, starting to feel like maybe Kurt was right, maybe he really was justwasting their time. He had to try one more time before giving up though.

  “You know that there’s somethinghere,” he said, gesturing between the pair of them. “I do, at least. And asmuch as you hate to admit it, I know that you feel it too. Trust me, I hatethat this is happening just as much as you do. But–”

  “Bullshit.” Kurt said, jawsclenched.

  “Please, can’t we just give thisact up? It’s getting exhausting…” Blaine pleaded. “I’m so tired of this.Fighting, making up, fighting, making up. It’s so damn exhausting, neverknowing where we stand at the moment; how I should talk to you not to risk youshutting me off again. Why can’t we just stop it?”

  “Why should we?”

  “Because we don’t hate eachother, Kurt! Not really. And you know that it’s true, just as well as I do.You’re just gonna have to learn and accept it.”

  “What’re you –there’s nothing toaccept. There’s nothing to stop, nothing to –“

  “Don’t do this… Please, I’m sotired of it. I know it’s hard, god knows I hate this as much as you do. But Ijust…it just –I’ve reached my limit. I’m done pretending that you don’t standout from the crowd in my eyes. I’m just done denying it. Please tell me you’rewilling to do this –“

  “No! No. No way.”

  “You know that there’s somethinghere.” Blaine kept going, not caring about the fact that maybe he was going atiny bit too far, not thinking about the fact that Kurt was the kind of personwho didn’t like change to come fast, who couldn’t handle too much at the sametime without becoming, well, rather weird. Like in Blaine’s house afterBlaine’d been stupid enough to tell Kurt a chunk of what was on Blaine’s mind.

  “There’s not.” Kurt refused,breathing heavily.

  “Stop this,”

  “No, you stop! This will justfuck up everything even more so just –“ His words were cut off by Blaine, who,out of fucking nowhere, kissed him. It was hard and desperate, and Kurt feltevery fiber in his body react to the contact in a way he just couldn’t take.
  “Don’t do that… Get off of me.” hegroaned, pushing the shorter away from him. “Get the fuck away from me.”
  “No, please don’t Kurt –“ Blainewhispered. “Why do you keep doing this to me? To us? To you?”

  “There’s nous.” Kurt hissed. “Never will be. Stay the fuck away or I swear to whatever’sup there you’ll regret it. Big time.”

  Blaine justended up standing there, opening and closing his mouth in a helpless search forwords, looking like a rather dumb fish.

  “Now just getlost, I’m busy staring at my very interesting ceiling.” Kurt muttered andBlaine, not knowing what more to say, left.

  Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Who the fuck doesthat shithead think he is? What had made him think that that was okay? Fucking prick.

  Kurt swungaround and hit both his fists to the wall as hard as he could.

  This wasfucking sick. How the heck had this happened? He was so completely lost. Heneeded… he just needed…

  “Quinn,” hewhispered to himself.

  It was timeslike these he wished he had a phone. It would be so much easier just to call ortext her than to actually have to drive all the way to Santana’s just to beable to get in contact with Quinn. Blaine’s cell had run out of battery, sothat was no use. And how had Blaine not noticed that his phone was missinganyway?

He really didn’t have a choice but to drive and checkif Quinn was available. It took him several minutes before he actually got hisass out to the old pick-up, and once he was sitting behind the wheel, hisfingers wouldn’t insert the key in its hole. His body just wouldn’t move.

  This is insane. Flipping insane.

  Then, abouttwenty minutes after he’d first decided to go see Quinn, he finally got theengine started and he roared off to the Lopez’s house.

  He parked thecar a safe distance from the house, since he knew that if Santana's motherwould hear the sound of his car, she would lock every door and window, as wellas dig some kind of moat around the house. Santana’s mother nothing but hatedKurt. He could really see why, but at the same time he couldn’t; it wasn’t likeher daughter became less of a dyke if she kept the fag away from her.

  Kurt knockedon the door and in less than ten seconds, Mrs. Lopez arrived and opened it witha smile. Needless to say, it fell the second she saw who it was; she’d stoppedhiding her dislike towards him a long time ago.

  If Kurtwouldn’t have found himself in this situation before, she would’ve succeededwith closing the door right in front of his nose, but since he had, he’dalready placed one of his booted feet in the way.

  “I need totalk to Quinn and I’m not leaving until I have.” Kurt said, staring back atMrs. Lopez with just as much dislike on his face as there was on hers.

  “She’s nothere.”

  “Then where isshe?” He tried not to sound too amused by how bad and predictable the lie was.

  “She’s at thehospital.”

  Kurt snorted.“Right, nice try.”

  “I’m serious,”Mrs. Lopez hissed, and only then Kurt saw how the woman’s eyes were bloodshot.His heart stopped.

  “Whathappened?” he breathed, but didn’t have the time to stay and wait for the shortwoman to collect herself enough to tell him. Instead he just turned around andstarted jogging back to his car, and fuck, why had he parked it so far awayfor? The world around him felt so very absent as he ran down the boring, gray,street, or it was he who felt absent from the world, he couldn’t really tell.

  Oh my god. What’s happened now?

   Kurt couldn’thave cared less about the speed limit as he drove –or more like raced– towardsthe hospital, though the speed of the car didn’t even come close to the speedof the thoughts running through his brain. Millions upon millions of picturesand theories created and glued themselves stuck in his mind without his control.First they were all things that could’ve happened to the baby, then there cameall these ideas or whatever they were that maybe it was something even moreserious than that. Maybe she’d lost a limb or gone blind or something? Or whatif she’d died?

  He didn’t evennotice the red traffic light he drove past as he pushed the car to its absolutelimit.

  Come on come on come on come on! Faster youpiece of shit! Faster!

   He parked thepractically steaming car where it was probably pretty illegal to park, but hedidn’t think twice about it. He crushed through the doors of the emergencyroom, the fact that he wasn’t supposed to even get close to that hospital noteven crossing his mind, he grabbed hold to the person closest to him, notregistering if he or she actually worked there.

  “I –I havethis friend –Quinn, Quinn Fabray –she –she –she’s pregnant, pink hair, reallythin –think there was a girl with her –Santana Lo –her name’s Santana Lopez,kinda tanned looking skin, black hair, sorta shifting in red if you see herfrom the right angle –“ Kurt bent forward and took a deep breath, not eventrying to calm himself. “Have you seen them? You have to get me to them –I haveto know what’s up,”

  After that,things were sort of just a blur to him. He still wasn’t sure if the poor personhe’d practically attacked when he arrived was actually hospital staff, but hesomehow got the help he so desperately needed. He ended up being taken to apart of the hospital he didn’t know, and just after guessing that it had tohave to do with babies –and getting relieved beyond words, because if she wasthere, she wasn’t dead– he spotted Santana, sitting curled up in a little ballon a very uncomfortable looking wooden bench.

  “San!” hecried, rushing over to her. “What the fuck is happening?”

  Santana lookedup, more than surprised to see Kurt there, seeming almost more panicked andworried than she was.

  “Kurt,” Wasall she could say.

  “Whathappened?” he said again, crouching down in front of her. “She’s okay right? Imean –Quinn’s alive right? Please tell me she’s fine because I’m getting sofucking tired of losing people–“

  “No, no, don’tworry, she’s –Quinn’s good, or alright. She’s alive at least.”

  “Then what thehell happened? It’s not coming already is it? I mean –it’s been like two monthsor something –“

  “She’s notgiving birth Kurt,” she said, almost smiling. She’d never ever never seen Kurteven close to something like this. “But it’s the –it’s… it is the baby –it…”she trailed off.

  “It what?”Kurt could barely keep himself together.

  “Quinn… she–she fell and…” Her voice broke. “It’s not –they…”

  “No.” he saidsternly. “No, that’s not true.” He understood exactly what she was saying.

  “Please tellme it’s not true, San, please –It’s not… It’s not fair! It’s not fucking fair!”

  Why did shitlike this always have to happen to the wrong people? Quinn didn’t deserve this.She’d… No. This was so fucking unfair. She’d been so strong, so determined, so sure, and now… now this? Kurt just… couldn’t –wouldn’t believe it. Never mind him andhis stupid problems, this was real, this was something that actually mattered,for real. This was… this was the real reality outside his little patheticbubble of ‘problems’, and it sucked so bad.