Sometimes physical pain is a good thing.
Sometimes it's better than the alternative.
Feeling hollow.
Feeling empty inside.
When you feel like someone took your soul away, when you are surrounded by friends and still feel alone, when you are laughing, but you still can't completely mean it, because you feel like you are watching someone else's life.
Sometimes physical pain is a good thing, because if you focus on this hard enough, you can pretend as if the other pain doesn’t exist, as if, maybe, the hole inside your chest is finally closing.
But the pain always comes back.
It never goes away forever.
I still remember the first time clearly, even though it seems like ages ago.
'I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I see a happy boy, not concerned by anything more than his math text next week, a small smile absently on his lips, like it’s a completely normal things- and it is, but if i look closely, behind this mask, I can see that the eyes are dead, I sigh and let go of the smile, it's so normal to pull it on that I didn’t even notice I'm wearing it, but I did and taking it off is always nice.
I pull my razor, its time to shave again, when I put it on the counter, it falls and injures my arm.
The first thing I feel is the pain, running through my veins like fire.
Then comes the excitement.
I can feel the fire coming upon, burning in my eyes once again, in a way I thought I'd never feel again.
I raise the razor and hesitantly draw another line on my skin, my hands shaking just a bit.
I see the blood and feel the salty taste in my mouth, but most of all, I feel the fire.
I take the knife out of the razor, holding it gently, but with steady arms.
I draw.
I draw circles, lines, dots, until a beautiful complicated form is made, at first, I watch the blood with fascination, but when I hear a knock on the bathroom door, I immediately wash it, hide the knife and put some kind of ointment on it so it will heal, I know it will leave a scar.'
My name is Blaine Anderson.
I found my salvation.
I found my fire.