Blaine and I (after convincing Cooper it was fine for him to go back to L.A) had booked an appointment with a therapist for the following week. As much as I had maintained I was happy to do this for him, inside I was crumbling second by second. Its not that I didnt want to do it but the only knowledge I had about therapists was things I had seen on the television and even that couldnt be relied upon as the memories always mashed to make a Jerry Springer style show with chairs getting thrown and pregnancy scandals.....okay it was official I was on the way to a nervous breakdown of all proportions. What if she says Blaines not good for me? More importantly what if she says that Im not good enough for Blaine? I should have swept the office before she came in to ensure a body guard named Steve wasnt waiting in the wings to cart me out over his shoulder. Blaine is sitting in virtual silence beside me but occasionally I get a surly look thrown in my direction. Can he hear me? Blaine if you can hear me blink twice? Okay he cant hear me, I really need a drink. No I dont! That wouldnt solve any-

"So Kurt...Blaine what brings you here today?" Dr Lloyd asks casually, her long slim legs crossed at the ankles so she could take notes in her journal. What gets me is what she could have to write about? Is she taking down my height? Eye colour? BMI? My choice of outfit? Ive not said anything bar hello when we walked in so she cant be analysing my childhood through hidden meanings in my answers or anything. 

"Well....Im an alcoholic!" Blaine says bluntly and Im ready to slap his knee down where it is continually bouncing. "And I had a relapse at the weekend..." He says slightly quieter.

"Okay....And what about you Kurt?" She asks, her eyes not even looking at me as she continues to write things down.

"Im just here to support Blaine....I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything. We got engaged two months ago and I dont feel happy planning the wedding until we are good again...we need to work through these underlying issues to get there." She just gives me a quick glance before writing something else down. "What are you writing?" She looks at me then.

"Just notes of things you say....Okay so what I want you to do before anything else is go back to when alcohol first became a problem for you Blaine.....and then we will discuss what made you stop, bringing us back around to what made it start this time okay?" We both nod stiffly at her before looking at each other at opposite ends of the couch. "Now before we get started do you have AA meetings near you or available somewhere?"

"Yeah, I found meetings for him at our local health centre...." I say softly, and hear Blaine mumble under his breath beside me.

"Okay thats good!" She smiles at us both. "So Blaine? When did you first realise you had a problem with alcohol?"

"When I was twenty....I umm, I had a pretty bad break up in high school and being on tour when it happened meant I had drink there pretty much twenty four seven...." He said quietly and I glanced over to see him nervously playing with his fingers. "I fell through a window one night and when I woke up in hospital I had no memory of it and that scared me enough to start going to meetings."

"Okay and you had been sober up until this weekend?" She asked, going back to scribbling in her notebook.....and I wish I could see what she found revealing in that sentence other than what Blaine had stated.

"Yeah, it doesnt normally bother me....I have a good sponsor here in the city so I make sure to check in with him once in a while...." Blaine trailed off and kind of chuckled numbly. "Well I thought it didnt..."

"It doesnt..." I sigh wanting to reach out and hold him but things have been awkward between us since his relapse, weve become weird around each other....something we have never been before. Its like he doesnt want to say anything about it to me in case I get mad and instead of asking if hes okay, I just mumble about needing to work on sketches before hiding in our room. Its not that I dont want to talk about it but I just keep replaying him lying in his own vomit and fear that anything I say could be misinterpreted. I dont want to send him back to that. I turn to look at her with wide eyes "Blaines always around alcohol at parties and he never shows signs of being uncomfortable..."

"Well showing it and feeling it can be two very different things Kurt...." She says scathingly and I have to bite back the rude response bubbling inside of me. This is what shes paid to do...to fix us. "This is what we need to get to the bottom of; Blaine can you describe what started you to use alcohol as a coping method?"

"Well my first serious boyfriend....he was twenty three....he had been fired from his job when I left to go on tour and he didnt tell me. Then Kurts boyfriend at the time - oh he worked with him....its kind of how we all met - he found out that he had been fired for doing coke at work." He pauses for a minute and I can tell its because he is feeling uncomfortable at having to relive this; never mind that fact hes reliving it with a virtual stranger. "Umm, when Dale - thats Kurts exs name - when he went to confront him he found him high and being intimate with this random guy...."

"When you say being intimate?" She coaxed, like she didnt know what that meant?!

"They were having sex..." Blaine cringes, before sniffing slightly and although hes trying to avoid eye contact, I can see his eyes blinking furiously to stop any tears from coming out.

"And what happened after that?"

"He turned up at our New Years party and his friend almost knocked me unconscious, when I came too, Dale filled me in and Santana...thats our other best friend....and I decided to call Blaine and tell him as soon as possible." I say strongly remembering that day all too well in my head.

"Blaine? I would like you to tell me how that made you feel..."

"Kind of numb I guess....it didnt really hit me at first. I just wanted to lock myself away and not talk to anybody. He had been my first love...I gave all my first sexual experiences to him. I trusted him and he threw it back in my face..." Blaine says slowly, not looking around at either of us and instead starts picking at a loose piece of skin on one of his nails. Dr Lloyd just kept scribbling her notes.

"And is that when you started to drink more often?" She asks looking up at him briefly and taking in his curled in composure.

"No...I didnt take the band up on their offer to go out and forget about it until after he phoned me...." Wait what?!

"What?" I screech a little in surprise.

"When who called you Blaine?" Dr Lloyd is very composed, and throws me a silencing glance. How does she do it?

"Sebastian....it was about a week later; he called and sounded....off? He started telling me it was my fault he was like that, that if I had met his needs like a proper boyfriend he wouldnt have needed drugs and other guys. He said that if I hadnt been away trying to live out a never going to happen pipe dream that we would still be together..." Blaine sniffed a little before reaching in to his pocket to pull out a handkerchief to wipe his eyes.

"You never told me that...." I say, trying to not sound accusing. That wouldnt help anything.

"I couldnt! Do you have any idea how little and unimportant that made me feel? How could I phone and tell you that?" he says brokenly.

"Blaine you could tell us anything and we wouldnt think any less of you....we love you." I say softly trying to reach out and touch his hand but he pulls it away.

"I tried to tell you the night of your birthday, that I wasnt coping...but then you said you loved me and I couldnt tell you, could I? I didnt want to hurt you....I didnt deserve your love!" He says harshly and I just stare at him. Did he really believe that back then? Did he still believe that now?

"Blaine...." I sigh because really what else can I say?

"Kurt please dont..." He sniffs quietly not looking at me.

"Okay boys, this is good we have things to work on over these sessions. But for now I want to sum up Blaines drinking relapse...What happened to set you off?" Dr Lloyd says, clearly making notes about how bad we are at communicating, or how we shouldnt be together....this really isnt going like I thought.

"Sebastian turned up at my work....he said some things...about me...like he did the last time and all of those feelings I felt then came back....I just wanted to not feel anything for a while..." hes still crying and all I want to do is take him out of here and kiss him till he isnt hurt any more. But that wont solve anything.

"Its not just Sebastian though Blaine..." I say suddenly realising I should have seen this coming. "We had a fight a couple of months ago...he was feeling insecure about a guy asking me out. I think these insecurities have been stewing for longer than you have cared to admit..." He doesnt say anything but the scowl I receive is enough of a signal that I am right. Dr Lloyd apparently agrees as she keeps scribbling her thoughts about what I have said.

"Okay good job Blaine, I think we need to call it a day for now and pick up next week." Doctor Lloyd says finally. FINALLY putting down her note pad. "Before you go I want you to say one thing you love about each other..." She watches us expectantly until I realise that Blaine isnt saying anything and I will have to step up.

"I love the way he frowns and sticks his tongue out when he is concentrating." I say firmly knowing that look by heart and it still melts it every time.

"Blaine?"

"I love the way Kurt sings in the shower...he sounds free..." Blaine says simply and it makes me want to cry at the fact that I havent sung in the shower since before all of this happened.

"Good start boys! Ill see you next week!"

*******************************

I avoided looking at Kurt as we left her office. I avoided his concerned glances as we walked along the street. Not arm in arm like we normally would have but with our hands buried deep into our pockets, not even walking close enough together to brush elbows accidentally.

"So what do you think of her?" Kurt asks timidly not looking around at me, his eyes trained on the crooked concrete path in front of us.

"She was okay..." I mean its not like we were getting to know each other over a civilised high tea. She was our therapist. Our therapist because I had a filthy disease that I couldnt control. "What did you think?"

"If you liked her then I liked her." This was how Kurt seemed to interact with me these days. He wouldnt voice any of his own opinions, which were once few and far between. Instead he would ask what I thought and just blindly agree.

"Kurt you are allowed to have an opinion! Im not going to down a bottle of vodka every time you disagree with me." I say evenly, I dont want an argument to destroy any progress that session may have made.

"Blaine thats not even funny." Kurts response is just as short.

"Good because Im not trying to be." I fume as I have to close the gap between us to squeeze past people walking in the other direction. "I want you to actually say what you are thinking instead of tip toeing around the edges."

"I do say what Im thinking!" Kurt says quietly, his pace quickening on the side walk meaning I have to double my efforts to keep pace.

"No you dont! Not to me anyway....Unless what your thinking is something you dont want me to hear?" I raise my voice a little determined to have this out with him.

"I dont know what youre trying to imply Blaine? But I dont want to have this discussion here. We can talk about it later."

"Oh I think you know exactly what Im trying to say and if we dont do this now you will just avoid it until next week when Dr Lloyd forces you to talk about it."

"Blaine..." Kurt actually looks me in the eye then which I suppose is something to be celebrated but it doesnt last before he focuses back out in front of us.

"So youre really saying you have nothing to say? Not about the fact that you hated every minute of that appointment? Or what about the fact that you sleep on the furthest edge of the bed every night because you are so repulsed by me? Or how about the fact that you didnt tell your dad what was going on because youre ashamed of me? Not even to say that you cant bring yourself to even look at me anymore? I dont need you to be a martyr to try and keep me from relapsing again Kurt! If you are that disgusted by me then I can pack up my stuff and leave! I just wish you would have told me that last week instead of feeding me some bullshit excuse about still wanting to marry me when you cant even sit in the same room as me for longer than ten minutes!" I scream, my voice having got louder as I punctuated each point. Kurt had frozen in the middle of the side walk to look round at me with huge eyes. I had hit a nerve and I was going to get the full consequence that I deserved.

"I know that youre hurting right now, so Im going to pretend you didnt say any of that..." Kurt says in an even tone and I feel awful. Now Ive really gone and pissed him off to the point that he is trying not to cry on the busy side walk. "But if you think anything Ive done is because Im embarrassed by you then you really dont have a clue who you are marrying. I cant look at you because I see how trapped in this fucking dark place you are and I feel guilty because I could have been there to stop it and I wasnt. Do you know how hard that is to think about? That I could be just as much to blame for this as anyone else? But Im not giving up on us. Ever! I just wish you would believe me when I say it." And with that he wanders off towards the shop leaving me to my own thoughts.

*******************************

"So.........lets talk about how you two met shall we?" We had been sitting in Dr Lloyds office for a while, she had already gone over what we had discussed last week and this is what she thought was appropriate to ask next.

"I was a couple of months shy of turning three......" Blaine starts before laughing a little.

"....I found him crying behind a tree in the park...."I giggle a little too remembering it.

"Kurt immediately asked me to a tea party with his best friend!" Blaine manages to get out through a deep breath.

"But told him dungarees were not acceptable clothes to wear...." I trail off as Dr Lloyd looks at us confused.

"Okay now how did you become a couple? Blaine mentioned you both having other boyfriends in high school but I want to know when you first realised you were more than friends?" We both groan inwardly at that question, she did realise we were paying by the hour right?

"Thats kind of how me and Dale got together.....I blurted out that I was in love with my best friend and he helped me through it...then we kind of became more than friends. I broke it off with him when I realised I was only truly in love with Blaine...it all sounds ridiculously high school now I say it all out loud..." I laugh awkwardly as I see a coy smile on Blaines lips at the far side of the couch. Its more than I usually get these days.

"So thats when you guys got together?" she asks simply and I have to wonder if she is taking down our life story to turn into some tragic love story where the hero dies or something.

"No! We didnt get together till two years ago....Kurt was open to his feelings but uh - I wasnt really ready to let anyone in again after Sebastian.....it took me a long time to realise what I was feeling." Blaine says quietly, collecting his thoughts.

"So when did you realise you loved Kurt?" I blush at the intimacy of the question.

"Deep down? I knew our senior year...if things hadnt taken the turn they did...I probably would have admitted it to him and myself then." He whispers into the room and I feel like a pin could drop.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Angry...annoyed...we could have been celebrating almost seven years together if I hadnt been such a fuck up-"

"Youre not a fuck up! Dont say that about yourself!" I almost shout, before collecting myself to continue. "I could have told you before you and Sebastian got serious...but I didnt because I was scared I wasnt good enough for you...we had been friends for fifteen years! That puts a lot of pressure on a high school relationship....whos to say we would have still been together? We were just kids back then...regardless of what we thought." I give his hand a squeeze where its sitting in the middle of the couch and feel warmth spread over me as he doesnt pull away but instead links our fingers together.

"You and Dale still managed to be friends though..." Blaine mumbles and I see Dr Lloyd look at us in interest.

"Because I was never in love with him and he wasnt in love with me either....we were what each other needed in that moment, but you know we are like family....I love Dale like I love Finn but you? You are the one...." I smile at him trying to show Im being honest and almost forget shes in the room with us.

"How does it make you feel hearing that Blaine?" I said almost right?

"It makes me feel happy but sad...I feel that about Kurt too.....I always will but I always feel like Im not enough for him, like he could do so much better..." Blaine slips his hand out of mine then.

"Why do you think that Blaine?" Dr Lloyd asks innocently.

"Because of my past, how I handled his feelings in high school, because Im an alcoholic, because Im working in a seedy bar in Bushwick...."

"An amazing bar where everybody loves you! An amazing bar where I get to come and watch you sing with so much passion! Im so proud watching you on that stage! Im sure everyone is sick of me telling them that your mine!" I state in exasperation.

"Its not on the cover of any big magazine though is it?" He says bitterly.

"Blaine you could live in a skip wearing socks and sandals and eat stale anchovies all day and I would still want to be with you!"

"You hate anchovies....and people who wear socks and sandals!"

"But I fucking love you!" I yell.

"Okay, lets wrap it up for this week? What one word sums up what you think when you look at each other?" Dr Lloyd asks us both and Blaine surprises me by going first this time, without hesitation.

"Strength..." Is all he says side eyeing me as I think.

"Home..." I say with a dreamy smile because that is how I feel when Im around him, like Ive found the one place I belong.

"Okay good job boys! I want you to say one nice thing about each other every day this week as homework...but I want you to surprise each other with it. Dont wait until youre going to bed or anything, do it at random points throughout the day." We both nod our acknowledgement and exit the room. Walking slightly closer together than we did when we came in.

**************************

"Well you look like shit..." Santana sates as she sits heavily onto the chair beside me.

"Tan please not now...." I whisper out between small sobs escaping from my chest. "I just want to cry and feel like a horrible person without you trying to tell me Im not." I sniff again as I feel a whole new batch of tears.

"Oh I wont...carry on!" She says seriously and I gawk at her. This is nothing like what any of my other friends have done. Im as good as labelled with ‘fragile right across my forehead these days.

"Thats not very supportive..." I mumble wiping the back of my hands across my eyes roughly.

"Well at least youre not sitting with a bottle of booze....Id call that progress!" She retorts wittily.

"I dont want to give Kurt a reason to get mad at me again...." Is all I mumble, wiping my running nose against my sleeve.

"Listen Blaine, you are one of my best friends on the planet. And despite your stunted growth and appreciation of every god damn cheesy love song known to mankind? I do love you!" She jokes punching my shoulder a little harder than necessary. "But Im not going to sit here and tell you its not your fault and all the other shit, because I think you need to hear a few home truths to sort yourself out. I keep telling everyone to stop babying you but its falling on deaf ears."

"So everyone is talking about me behind my back?" I ask, sulking down a bit further in my spot. "Great...."

"Oh no you dont!" She hoists me back up again and turns my shoulders to her so I cant look away. "This is truth time..."

"But I dont want truth time! I just got out of my one on one session..." I cry trying to move away from her. I dont get far as her ass takes up residence on my knees as she straddles me, our noses inches apart.

"Dont care Bumble!" She says cutting me off. "You will sit there and listen to me okay?" I dont answer knowing at this point that its purely rhetorical and in no need of an answer, as she moves back over to her side of the couch. "I think you need to get a grip - I didnt say you could talk - you have been walking about here for weeks with the world on your shoulders, yes its been a hard time for you, yes you have a drinking problem, yes everyone says they are here for you....but you need to get a grip! Stop throwing yourself a pity party and deal with the hand you have been given. Stop being a dick to your boyfriend who is only trying to help, stop all this woe is me shit and actually try to change your behaviour patterns. Im fed up of watching Kurt scurrying around and teetering on the edge of his life to make you happy, when really you fucked up! You have the amends to make and the trust to build up again."

I try to speak, but my mind keeps drawing blank. Everything she is saying is true, I cant even deny it.

"Stop thinking the world is out to get you and get a handle on your life....Im not saying you cant make mistakes, of course you can, we are only human but have the courage to stand up and admit full responsibility and for fuck sake stop making Kurt feel guilty because of the douche move you made! Or so help me Blaine, I will kick your ass all the way back to Ohio and your mom can deal with you!" Santana breaths heavily at the end of her speech and the look Im getting could easily be for one of those voodoo rituals.

"Okay....Im sorry for being an idiot, Ill try and keep talking with Kurt and trying to make this better." I say softy trying to calm the rage that can come from her.

"You better! Because I love you, I know it doesnt seem like it right now but I do. More importantly though I love Kurt, not in the homoerotic way you do....but I still love him. So believe me when I say he has been through enough pain in high school because of this. Let him in? He only wants to help you..." She sighs before leaning back in her chair.

"Anything else you want to get off your chest?" I ask noticing that she keeps glancing at me. "You can say it and I wont get upset."

"If you ever drink instead of calling me Ill see to it that you dont have a working cock ever again..." I go to explain why I didnt call her but she seems to be in full flow now she has permission to say it. "I mean kick you in the crotch so hard that your privates will crawl back up inside your body never to return again....you dont want Kurt to worry fine! But you and I both know that nothing shocks me, so there is never an excuse not to call."

"Okay, I promise - " she holds her hand up to silence me.

"Im not done." She says firmly. "If you ever see Sebastian again you pick up the nearest chair and throw it at him, and run before he can say anything again. Assaults better than peachy getting life for manslaughter if he finds him."

"Okay - "

"And those pants are fucking horrendous!" She says pointing at my plaid pants.

"Hey!" I squeak at her.

"And I love you!" She says bluntly, elbowing my side causing me to get a huge grin on my face. "Dont smile at me like that.....Ill stab you..."

"No you wont..." I say edging towards her to give her a hug. "You love me too much, you just said so..."

"Urgh! Fine just get it over with." She resigns as I scoop her up in my arms, but as much as she acts nonchalant her arms come round my neck to pull me close. This was just what I needed. "Just dont try to put your cock in my ass....Im not Kurt..." Okay, it was almost just what I needed.

********************

"...Okay so now youve pretended that youre fine, we have ten minutes left. Shall we talk about whats really going on with you two today?" Her dark green eyes staring us both down. I realise now sitting with my arms crossed across my chest and my top leg swinging constantly probably tipped her off, but to be fair Blaine making snarky comments werent helping either.

"Its nothing..." I shrug indifferently.

"Were fine..." Blaine grumbles at the same time.

"Boys? We are in a safe space! And above all else your body language is telling me you are definitely not fine. If we dont talk about it then it wont get resolved..." She says looking pointedly and putting her notepad down on her table. Over the last few weeks Ive realised that means she is ready to coax it out of you whether you want her to or not. The question is how long will you last.

"Kurt doesnt want to have sex with me!" Blaine blurts out sitting a little further forward in his chair.

"Blaine!"

"Its okay Kurt! We are all consenting adults here....nobodies breaking the law by talking about sex. Blaine why dont you tell me what happened?"

"Okay so Kurt had been at work all day and I was going stir crazy! Santanas out on another press tour for her album so I was home alone all day and I thought I would do something special...." Blaine nods as he talks and I stay routed in position embarrassed that we are talking to a fifty something woman about our sex life. "So I decided to make him cheesecake...I put candles out everywhere...the whole romantic night in setting and I thought it would maybe help us be intimate again....but after dinner Kurt just fobbed me off saying he was too tired and wanted an early night..." Blaine says glaring at me from his spot.

"I was tired, I dont need to have sex with you every night Blaine!"

"Being tired has never stopped you before.....and we havent been intimate in over a month Kurt!" He only stops when Dr Lloyd holds her hand up to get his attention.

"Blaine....shouting doesnt help convey your argument." She says before fixing her stony stare onto me. "Kurt why dont you want to be intimate with Blaine?" Is she for real!?!

"I dont want to harm his recovery....I know how hard hes working going to AA meetings and coming here....I just dont want to hurt him getting better-"

"Im not a fucking china doll Kurt! I wont break if you touch my dick! Do you not find me attractive anymore?" He practically screams at me.  "I mean having to clean up your boyfriends sick and change him because hes so drunk isnt as sexy as it sounds really is it?"

"Blaine....of course Im attracted to you....its just-"

"Its just that Im an alcoholic right? Or its not me its you?" he spits out in anger and I feel a stabbing ache in my chest.

"Okay stop! And take a breath both of you, Kurt can you try and explain what it is that you wanted to say?" Dr Lloyd asks with an encouraging smile.

"I wanted to say that I am still attracted to Blaine, I always will be even when we are old...and hes grey" I try to joke but Blaines not biting. "But seeing him like that terrified me. The thought of losing him because he felt he couldnt talk to me terrified me. I dont want us to rush into having sex again and for nothing to change. If I thought it would make him think I didnt want him any more I would have just slept with him...." I bite my bottom lip to stop me getting emotional and I feel Blaine come closer and wrap an arm around me, pulling me against his side.

"Im sorry...I just miss you....I miss us!" he whispers into my hair, taking in a deep breath of my scent.

"I know....so do I." I say softly under his chin and enjoy having him closer to me than he has been out of bed in a long time.

"Now that that is settled....I have some more homework for you. I want you to take the time to be intimate with each other at least twice this week." Our faces must be a picture from how quick she backs her statement up. "Not necessarily sex but an act of intimacy...having a bath together...or taking time to lie together doing nothing. Something you would do without any thought normally. Okay?" She asks with a broad grin.

"Yeah that sounds perfect..." I smile happily as I walk out arm in arm with Blaine.