Was that another sex moan? Thats does it! Im no prude...I think that is easy to observe but listening to the two Disney princes going at it for almost twenty four hours does it! I send out a very blunt text to the ‘family and wait a few minutes before logging on to my computer. I mean seriously? Im pretty sure he knows its right there and doesnt need Blaine to remind him over and over, and over again! Its not like Im bitter that they are having all the sex, okay so maybe its been 6 weeks since I have had any action...maybe I did Google ‘can your vagina reseal from lack of use? last night,  it totally cant by the way. But Im pretty sure Blaine isnt as good in the sack as Kurts moans would lead you to believe... And his name is Blaine not god...or harder! I slip out of my rant as the tell-tale sign of people logging in to the chat log starts to go off.

Santana: Is everyone here?

Cooper: yeah!

Rachel: Yes!

Finn: Whats so important?

Santana: Not so fast Sasquatch...wheres the daddies?

Dale: Im here!

Jake: Santana is there really a need to call us that?!

Santana: except that it sounds a bit kinky....none what so ever! :P

Maya: Why did you make me set up gran with one of these accounts?

Finn: Santana you dont even like guys....

Rachel: I dont know if Im comfortable with the twins witnessing this kind of conversation...

Dale: Why are you two on separate accounts anyway? Jakes at work or we would do this together!

Santana: Relax! Its only going to get mildly sexual!  And Mrs B needs one of these accounts to stay informed!

Finn: Rachel wont let me type on her account....

Rachel: Finn thinks I talk too much...

Maya: Side bar....together....dirty daddies ;)

Santana: Because you do Rachel! Now where are the elderlies?

Burt: Im here! So is Carole!

Mabel: Fashionably late as always darlings :)

Jake: I still dont know why we are having a family online meeting? Hows Lydia?

Burt: why are we elderlies?

Dale: Shes having her afternoon nap honey!

Maya: I am so not up for a child catch up!

Jake: Im just checking in on my child.

Rachel: hagdbfnvkbsbghkbddf

Rachel: Sorry Jayde hit the keyboard! Is she trying solids yet?

Dale: Not willingly...the scrunched up face she makes is so cute.

Mable: Lydia is adorable, how are your two?

Finn: I want them to start kick boxing!

Rachel: Finn Hudson they cant even walk yet!

Maya: Seriously guys Im going....

Santana: No stay! we have important business to discuss!

Burt: What did you do to Kurt now?

Cooper: Like what? I have a half hour before I need to be on set and Im hungry! Plus its meatball Madness day in the catering truck!

Finn: What kind of business? Im tired the twins were up non-stop last night

Rachel:  Like you were the one up every two hours!

Maya: Whats with all the secrecy?

Mabel: Im intrigued? Is this the escort vs. prostitute debate again?

Dale: Santana!!

Santana: GUYS FOCUS!!!

Jake: Well hurry up my breaks almost over!

Burt: Carole says eat and type Cooper!

Finn: Hey I heard them cry I just cant feed them!

Cooper: Mama Carole knows best ;)

Rachel: It was expressed milk Finn!

Maya: Enough of the baby talk your making my ovaries bleed...

Cooper: Too much info lesbian 2.....

Burt: Cooper!

Santana: Seriously lesbian 2?

Jake: Get to the point!!!!!!!!

Finn: I think I was just sick in my mouth a little Maya

Maya: Maya one....babies everywhere zero....

Santana: Okay so Kurt and Blaine have been making some obscene noises in their room all day....

Dale: At least its in their room this time....

Finn: Seriously vomit in my mouth!

Cooper: Why does my brother get more action than me.....

Burt: I dont know if I want to hear this...or see it? Whats the right way to phrase that?

Maya: probably because his boyfriends a hot piece of ass.....

Santana: That and your old....

Jake: Please no age prejudice!

Mabel: No different from usual....

Santana: Sorry big bird but theres a point!

Rachel: One that Id like you to get too Im leaking...

Maya: Ewww!

Dale: Gay man present!

Burt: In laws present!

Santana: Okay so sexy time is no different than usual but I found this pile of letters...like mushy, gag worthy letters!

Jake: found as in you went snooping?

Mabel: Oh the letters! I had one to give him.

Maya: What did they say? I burnt my hand on the steamer before I got it open!

Burt: Curiosity killed the cat!

Finn: please its better than the sex picture...that can never unseen!

Dale: That amazingly graphic picture...

Maya: please like you and the hubby didnt get all hot and bothered after it!

Burt: I dont even wanna ask....

Cooper: It was amazing....Kurts ass is still really peachy!

Santana: Only in his bag.....that accidentally fell off the coffee table when I kicked it!

Maya: Nice!!!

Cooper: Is it wrong that I feel a little turned on right now?

Finn: Oh..... Im imagining it again!

Rachel: This is the route I didnt want to go down...

Burt: Enough of the inappropriate picture talk!

Dale: WHAT DID THE LETTERS SAY!!!!!

Jake: Oh my god love letters....that is such a Blaine thing to do!

Mabel: Santana! You know Kurt will not like that!

Santana: I know...But I can deal with his bitch fit! All about love and eternity and all that other couple shit!

Maya: Ever the romantic.....

Cooper: That sounds like a warm up act to me....

Dale: What are we doing about it?

Mabel: Like your anymore romantic Maya! You said flowers were a way for the government to make millions on the times people buy them for doing something wrong!

Burt: Im phoning them right now!

Finn: I text this morning and didnt hear anything back.

Rachel: Same!

Santana: He always ignores you Rach...youre a diva! Papa Burt hold on I have a plan!!

Cooper: Spy camera?

Jake: No he took that out when he found it!

Maya: Im concerned about your mental states....

Santana: One better! Email attack......

Dale: By George I think shes got it!

Finn: We havent done this in years!!!

Mabel: Care to explain to the more mature members of the group?

Burt: Im questioning why you are all our family right now!

Dale: You love us???

Santana: Okay so what happens is we start sending emails...of all scales of emergencies...if Kurt hears it go enough hell check....

Cooper: He sees a shit load in his inbox and BOOM!

Burt: BOOM?!

Jake: Starts thinking something is wrong and looks at them....or calls someone first...

Finn: Then BOOM!

Mabel: Whats that Boom?

Rachel: We discover the secret!

Maya: What was it the last time?

Santana: He was taking secret pole dancing lessons...

Cooper: Epic fail!!

Burt: WHAT?!?!

Cooper: this is why I dont let my parents go online....

Santana: Okay operation Scarecrow falls is a go!

Cooper: Rodger!

Burt: I dont know guys!

Finn: Dad this is the only way to do it!

Rachel: Style crisis a go!

Jake: I love a good sabotage!

Maya: Im just sending nudes of me....

Dale: Lets break them!

**************************

To: Kurt

From: Santana

To my two best friends.... I can hear what youre doing....I also found your letters. If you dont want them sent around all your closest friends then I would come out and tell me whats going on....If not I will also switch out Blaines gel for liquid cement....

To: Kurt

From: Dad

Hi kid! Just a heads up that Santana is out to break you. I tried to talk her out of it but there is no stopping her (you remember the birthday cake incident). Hope everything is okay? Call more! Love you dad and Carole xxx

To: Blaine

From: Burt

I think the rest of the kids are on to you...Ive not let slip....I take it he said yes? Xxx

To: Kurt

From: Dale

Lydia just did her first solid poo....Is it wrong I took a picture? I hope not as Ive sent you it! Tell Blaine hi :)

To: Kurt

From: Jake

Hi! Just a quick question? Is Blaine allergic to flour? Landin is making him cookies! I think you are no longer favourite uncle....

To: Kurt

From: Maya

Where is the fire extinguisher in the shop? Nothing serious just let me know as soon as!

To: Kurt

From: Mrs B

Hi darlings I have been informed you and Blaine are fucking each other senseless and I just wanted to say bravo....and can you please shut the windows this time? You know how much of a stick in the mud Jack from downstairs is!

To: Kurt

From: Cooper

Scarecrow! What are the main signs of herpes in a male? I think I have it!

To: Kurt

From: Finn

Dude! Why arent you answering my texts or calls....What is going on with you guys?

To: Kurt

From: Rachel

Kurt I think its time to get rid of my animal sweaters....

To: Kurt

From: Finn

Oh forget that email I wasnt supposed to ask! Did you know that Kentucky fried chicken is what KFC means?

To: Kurt

From: Dale

I want a sex date with my husband! The children are coming over to you tonight! Just so we are clear...Its full on up against a wall....

To: Kurt

From: Cooper

Oh wait does this look like gonorrhoea to you?

To: Kurt

From: Maya

Is it acceptable to show up in Santanas room in just lingerie?

To: Kurt

From: Jake

I just had a patient with his arm hanging on by its skin!! Blood and bone everywhere!!

To: Kurt

From: Rachel

Im also rethinking my knee high socks! Shopping trip?!?!

To: Kurt

From: Santana

I told your dad about the pole dancing lessons.....and Im not even sorry! Also I think Maya wants a piece of this!! Slutty just because sex!!

To: Kurt

From: Finn

I think I just blocked the toilet....where can we buy a plunger?

To: Kurt

From: Maya

Im coming over right now! I Know youre in your room!!

****************

"Babe! Switch it off! It cant beep if its off!" Blaine muffled out from his pillow as the onslaught of emails texts and phone calls kept coming.

"I cant! There on to us! Why else would they all be sending messages at once?" I ponder as another obscene picture comes through from Cooper. Blaine sighs in defeat before sitting up beside me wrapping both arms around my bare chest so he can hook his chin over my shoulder to see what is happening. "You got an email to....."

"Because they have no boundaries? mines probably just junk mail, Im not permanently attached to my phone unlike you!" He chuckles before gagging. "Is that Maya semi naked?" He asks looking at the attachment on Mayas email.

"Yeah! Your brother sent me a variety of STD pictures too!" I grin as I feel him shiver against my back.

"Oh my god!" he yells out of nowhere causing me to jump slightly in shock. "Email sabotage! They know!" he squeaks picking up his phone to check his waiting messages.

"How could they know? You only told dad....oh shit Santana found the letters!" I gasp reading one of the first emails I had been sent. "She wouldnt send them to everyone right?" I ask looking at his frowning face.

"Your dad didnt tell anyone but I think he has guessed..." he mumbles putting his phone back down and picking my hands up. "And after the sex picture she sent out I wouldnt put anything past her! I think we need to tell everyone....I know we wanted today just to ourselves but...."

"But with our friends and family we are lucky they didnt start an online meeting by now....." Blaines eyes widen and I realise a sabotage mission has to have been planned and planning means... "They have discussed us in an unsupervised chat log!"

"They at least havent said anything too bad...your dad hasnt killed me yet!" Blaine says hopefully. "So who do we call first?"

"Oh no calls mean lots of questions....lots of questions mean hours of our time....and I have us scheduled for passionate love making at 5pm!" I say shaking my head at him.

"Is this where we become one of those couples that have to put sex on the calendar?" He asks seriously.

"Only if its more than once a day my little bumble bee!" I place a gentle kiss to his nose as his shoulders shake mid giggle. "Now to send out emails to all our nearest and dearest...." Okay Kurt, just be your usual witty self, they dont get to gush about it yet. You have a whole night of sex left to be had with your hot beau. Play them at their own game.

To: Dad

From: Kurt

Hi old man! Just to let you know Im alive and definitely well! Also Blaine says dont believe anything Satan says! Yes I said yes! Like there was any other response!!!!!! I just screamed again it doesnt feel real yet....I love you for giving your blessing and will call you tomorrow! Love you to the moon xxxxx

To: Finn

From: Kurt

My simple brother......what is going on is that me and Blaine have got engaged! Yes to get married...yes to each other! Also I want you to be proud that you and you wife are the only two that didnt get reduced to sexual expletives in this sabotage mission....Kudos to you! Ill call you tomorrow and let you discuss whatever sports score you wanted to brag about to Blaine. Xx

To: Rachel

From: Kurt

First things first....If you ever joke about falsely removing those monstrosities from your wardrobe again I will make you watch porn with Santana....one with lots of commentary! Secondly.....I am engaged to my beautiful bumble bee! I will call you once the dogs start to settle from your screams! Xx

To: Dale

From: Kurt

You dick! I am very naked and very covered in unmentionable things so dont bring your kids here as I have no intention to be a good uncle for this one day! Why you ask? Because I plan on having sex all night with my very YOUTHFUL fiancé.....yes you read correctly! Im getting married bitches!!! Dont call again if you know whats good for you.

To: Jake

From: Kurt

As I have already informed your other half....me and Blaine are engaged....we are going to be as old and married as you two soon! FLAIL! Ill get him to call you once hes recovered from the marathon thats about to occur.....You said you wanted to know everything! Xxx

To: Cooper

From: Kurt

That is not your penis....I know this because you get naked regularly when drunk! Also I wouldnt joke about these things you probably are riddled...The reason we have been MIA for the last few hours is because Im now your future brother in law....that means a bachelor party! That you can help organise! Love your biggest fan girls xxx

To: Maya

From: Kurt

Aside from almost killing my fiancé....just having sex with Santana isnt going to work! Too many feelings involved! Oh whats that you say? fiancé? Oh yes! IM ENGAGED! And the ring is fricking gorgeous! Xxxxx

To: Mrs B

From: Kurt

Windows closed.....Jack is just jealous he isnt getting any....Side note Blaines little letters? Were a very well planned out proposal attack! You need to help with everything!!! Ill be in late tomorrow ;)

To: Santana

From: Kurt

Well my nosey roommate! Congratulations! You win! The sabotage has broken me....I am hiding in our room having lots of sex because BLAINE PROPOSED! Dont bother trying to come in (The doors locked) but you could make us dinner for later but just a heads up...our clothing will be optional.....Also dont show anyone the letters....they were meant for my eyes only! Love you long time the other two legs of the tripod xxx