"I don't want more pills."

Dr. Englund looks at him, but Kurt just crosses his arms and glares. He's more than aware that he's being petulant and childish and yet Kurt really doesn't give a shit. It's been the only response for weeks, after every problem.

Panic attacks, anti-anxiety pills.

Pain, more pills.

Depression, pills.

He won't take more for sleep. No.

"Kurt, you need to learn how to sleep. Without relying on Blaine, you know that," Dr. Englund says gently. The pity in her eyes makes Kurt sick and he slumps back into the couch to glare at the wall. His leg shakes up and down. "We've tried several methods, but nothing is helping you. And quite frankly, you look like shit."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how therapists are supposed to talk to their patients," Kurt snaps.

The observation is accurate though, and he knows it. Without Blaine, Kurt invariably has nightmares and wakes up screaming. Or crying. Or, on one memorable occasion, hiding under his bed trapped in a flashback. He doesn't know what he said during that particular episode, but he's never seen his dad so white when he came back. It was horrible.

Dr. Englund raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Why don't you want pills?" she asks, changing tactics. It's one of the reasons why Kurt has stuck with her over the weeks, actually. She doesn't put up with his bullshit, which is a relief after spending every day being treated with kid gloves. Unlike certain people, she trusts him to make his own decisions and have his own opinions, and asks for them. But he's still not taking the damn sleeping pills.

"I don't want to be helpless." Kurt says harshly, feeling his heart start to speed up at the memories. "I can't—won't—do that. I-I don't want to not be able to wake up." Fuck him, he's crying again and he can't fucking breathe; why the hell is he so scared? Karofsky's gone, he's not here; not even in Lima anymore and he still has this hold over him and Kurt hates it. Kurt wipes at his tearing eyes, cheeks burning with shame. He sucks in a deep breath and looks at his therapist. "I can't be trapped in those dreams with him and not wake up. I can't."

"Kurt—"

"I stopped taking the other pills." Kurt interrupts. He hugs himself and looks away to the window. It's a nice day outside, the kind he'd want to drag Blaine out to the park or something stupidly romantic like that. Blaine would complain, but he'd like it. He always does when someone shows him kindness.

The room is silent for a few minutes until Dr. Englund nods to herself. "I had a feeling you might," she says, like she knows anything about him. Kurt scoffs.

"They make me feel weird," he mutters. "Just—not myself. Numb. Fuzzy. I don't want them. I don't—I don't want fucking pills to make me normal, I just want to be me." Kurt rubs at his forehead as a headache starts to build. Blaine would understand. He'd get it; he'd get that Kurt can't keep giving up control of himself. Not like this. "I just…I'm tired of not being me anymore," Kurt whispers.

There's another sigh, like Dr. Englund is upset, and then she puts her clipboard off to the side. "Oh, Kurt," she says sadly and Kurt refuses to look at her, refuses to accept her pity. "I know."

He doesn't answer.

Near the end of March, Kurt walks into his bedroom after school and stops.

"Blaine, why is there a dog in my room?" Kurt deadpans. He's far too used to the shit Blaine pulls by now, especially after that one afternoon he came into his house to see Blaine trying to convince Burt that tattoos "are really super manly, Burt, it'll make Carole totally swoon!" Really, finding a dog sitting next to his bed is pretty tame. The large brown and black dog wags its tail and pants happily under Blaine's hands, but it watches Kurt with more awareness than he expects.

"This is Xena!" Blaine says, stroking behind the dog's ears. "She's a three-year-old German Shepherd and I picked her up from the SPCA yesterday after school. Some asshole decided they didn't want her, so we rescued her. I already asked your dad," Blaine adds hurriedly at Kurt's eyebrow rise. "He met her already and he said it'd be ok."

Suddenly his dad's knowing smirk downstairs made a lot more sense. It's hard to stay angry at Blaine, though, so Kurt relents and walks closer to the dog. When he puts out a tentative hand, she sniffs it and starts licking his fingers. Kurt smiles when she nudges his hand until he starts petting her. Her tail wags again.

"What would be ok?" Kurt asks, sitting down next to Blaine warily. Xena plops her head in Kurt's lap and Kurt scratches her ears absently. It's comforting, actually. He may not be an animal person, but there's something about the simpleness of a dog's loyalty that melts his heart. She doesn't judge him like Lima and Sebastian. She doesn't care that he's gay. She doesn't know about Karofsky. She just likes him.

Blaine hands a leash to Kurt and grins. "She's yours," he says, looking pleased. "I talked to Dr. Englund and she said some survivors get dogs. It helps them cope or something."

"'Survivors'?" Kurt repeats. Xena whines when he stops petting her and Kurt glances down at the dog. She shuffles closer under his gaze and licks at his hand again, looking completely adorable. It's the same look Blaine gets when Kurt stops kissing him and shit. He's attached already and it's barely been five minutes.

"Better than 'victims' at least," Blaine shrugs, rubbing Xena's sides and patting her. "But seriously, Xena'll be good for you. You're still having trouble sleeping and maybe having a big guard dog will help you feel safe, y'know?" His face falls when Kurt doesn't say anything. "You don't like her."

Kurt groans in exasperation. "Shit, Blaine, this is kind of a big commitment to just spring on me, alright? Give me a second to process," he says. Xena takes that moment to roll over on her back and whine again, looking at Kurt mournfully. Seriously, how is a full-grown dog so damn cute? "She's not very threatening." Kurt grumbles before kneeling and rubbing her belly. Xena pants blissfully and paws at Blaine's legs.

"Just wait, I promise, Finn's gonna scare the shit out of her when he gets back from football and hears we have a dog," Blaine says confidently.

Raising an eyebrow and trying not to visibly melt from happiness, Kurt looks back at Blaine, who's now reclining on the bed. "I should be worried about how comfortable you are in my house," Kurt says dryly, but Blaine just grins. "Also, we have a dog?" Kurt asks hesitantly. It's not often he gets Blaine to really talk about the future or commitments or anything beyond jokes so getting a dog is more than a little unexpected.

Blaine colors at that and it's adorable. "W-well I mean—I just thought, um." He looks at Kurt helplessly.

"Guess we'll need to look for apartments that allow animals in New York," Kurt says neutrally, but he can't stop smiling. Blaine slides off the bed to sit next to Kurt, instantly getting a lapful of dog and Kurt can see them in a few years—Blaine playing with Xena in front of a large window overlooking the city while Kurt makes dinner or something. It's so real and perfect and Kurt wants it so badly and he leans in and cuddles up next to Blaine to stop his mind from freaking out.

Xena calms down when they start watching some movie, curling up next to Kurt. She may have come home with Blaine, but she's certainly decided that she's Kurt's dog and Blaine doesn't seem to mind too much. There is a slight mishap when, as Blaine predicted, Finn runs into the room too fast, yelling about a new dog. It makes Kurt scream (just a little) and Xena interprets it as Protect Kurt! and nearly attacks Finn, but Blaine holds her back. It's not until Kurt touches Finn and leads Xena over to the teen giant and Finn bribes her with treats that she stops growling. She does cuddle more possessively with Kurt after and Kurt would be lying if he didn't admit that the whole display made him feel safer with a guard dog ready to protect him. Even if said guard dog acts like a puppy when presented with toys.

"There's another reason I got her for you," Blaine confesses when the credits start rolling. Kurt feels his stomach clench up, fear trickling down his spine. "Um," Blaine shifts guiltily. "I dunno if I ever told you what happened to my parents and their divorce thing?"

A memory of an overheard conversation flashes before Kurt's eyes and he blushes. "Um, no," he says, praying that Blaine's lie detector is faulty. He gets a weird look though, so apparently Kurt's not as subtle as he'd like.

"Right," Blaine draws out the word, still eying Kurt suspiciously. "Anyway, one of the terms of the divorce was that they'd split custody of me on holidays."

"I still think it's weird your dad even got custody after beating you," Kurt mutters under his breath, scratching Xena's ears a little harder. Mr. Anderson just pisses him off, Kurt can't explain it.

Blaine makes a face. "Yeah, well, you and me both," he says bitterly. "Anyway, Easter's coming up." He doesn't elaborate.

Kurt glances over at his boyfriend. "So…you have to spend Easter with your dad?" he guesses.

"In California," Blaine says. "With his new girlfriend." Blaine wrinkles his nose.

Oh. Kurt whistles lowly. "He moves kind of fast, doesn't he?" He aims for some levity, but judging by Blaine's sour expression, fails.

"She's twenty-seven," Blaine spits out, wrapping his arms around himself. "She's a fucking surgeon at some fucking hospital who just finished med school. She's young enough to be my sister," Blaine scowls at the TV. He leans into Kurt when Kurt pulls him into a one-armed hug. "He told my mom a week ago and I keep walking in on her crying," Blaine says quietly, dropping his head on Kurt's shoulder.

There's nothing Kurt can say to make it better, so he just holds his boyfriend. And plots various ways to torture Mr. Anderson for putting these good people through hell over and over. Something occurs to him, though.

"Is this why Xena's here?" Kurt asks Blaine's curls. "Because you're going to be in California for a couple of days?"

He feels Blaine shrug against him. "I just thought she could help you feel safe when I'm not here," Blaine mumbles, sounding nervous. "So you can get some sleep since you won't take any more pills."

How no one has ever noticed Blaine before him Kurt has no idea because Blaine is perfect. Tears sting at his eyes but Kurt laughs a little anyway. "Thank you, Blaine," Kurt gets out in a choked whisper. "Thanks for just…understanding."

"Are you doing okay? Like, really okay?" Blaine eyes him nervously. "You've been off your anti-depressants for like a week, but I'm just…" he trails off, paling slightly and looking towards Kurt's nightstand and Kurt knows what he's thinking about.

He grabs Blaine's hand and strokes it gently with his thumb. "I won't do that," Kurt says firmly. "Not again. I won't." Whether he's trying to convince himself or Blaine is a little blurry, though. kurt swallows hard. "I won't do that," he repeats, trying for firm and missing slightly.

"Just call me, ok? I don't care what time; just call me if I'm not there." Blaine's eyes are panicked and Kurt drops his gaze for Xena, who currently is sprawled across his legs and snoring gently. "Kurt. I mean it."

"I'm not going to kill myself Blaine!" Kurt shouts; startling the dog awake and making Blaine jump. "I'm not so fucking codependent that a few days without you is going to send me over the edge!" he practically hisses scathingly, because how dare Blaine think that about him. He's not a fucking coward; he's not weak; he doesn't need fucking pills to stay alive. He doesn't. Kurt feels his cheeks burning and he's not sure if it's from anger or shame, but the difference doesn't really matter anyway. He tugs Xena closer and strokes her fur, not even flinching when she timidly licks at his nose.

The room is quiet for a long moment.

"I'm sorry," Kurt finally whispers. Shit, he's not crying again; he's not. He roughly swipes at his traitorous eyes. "I shouldn't've yelled at you like that. You had good reasons for being nervous." God, will the shame ever go away?

Blaine pulls Kurt into a hug and Kurt just melts. Blaine smells so good and safe. "It's going to get better, you know that, right?" Blaine tries. "It's ok that you're scared and shit, but it's gonna be okay."

"I'm going to miss you so much," Kurt almost sobs into Blaine's shoulder. "I just—feel so weird and stressed and thin and I can't explain it, I can't, I don't know how, I just—"

Blaine cuts off his rambling with a kiss, soft and chaste but warm and calming and Kurt grabs at him tighter and ignores Xena's questioning whine. "Kurt, it's okay. You're body's still adjusting, you'll feel off for a little bit."

Kurt pulls back to look at him questioningly.

"I might have called your therapist after I found out you threw out all your pills." Blaine shifted under Kurt's gaze. "I just wanted to know what would happen to you and shit. It's not a big deal."

Hiding a grin Kurt lays on the bed and yanks Blaine down next to him. He goes easily, wrapping an arm around Kurt's waist and rest his head on Kurt's shoulder. Xena whines pitifully at the base of the bed until Kurt hold out a hand and she curls up to his other side and gets dog hair all over his jeans.

"It's like I have two dogs," Kurt mutters.

"You love us," Blaine says confidently. Kurt smiles at his bright eyes. Then they fade into worry. "I leave in two weeks," Blaine confesses, like it's some secret. "I'm scared. It's the first time I'll have seen him since the police station in January, and I don't want him to ruin me. Us."

Unconciously, Kurt begins threading his fingers through Blaine's thick curls. "He won't. You're strong, Blaine. And you can always call me. Phone goes both ways, you know?" Kurt misses cheekiness for sadness and he shakes his head. "Just promise you won't run off with some blond pothead surfer boy and we'll be good." He says it as a joke, but his heart still jumps in his throat. Hopefully Blaine doesn't notices.

Blaine huffs a laugh at that. "I got you; all I want. No California surfer can beat that. Plus we have a child now; you can't dump me anymore Hummel," Blaine waves an arm at Xena, currently snoring next to Kurt. "It could be fun though; I figure I can be a real proper 'badboy' to Dad and the bitch and get sent home early," Blaine adds smugly and Kurt laughs aloud at that one. Mr. Anderson is in for a week from hell.

Weirdly enough, Xena does help. That first night, Blaine still sleeps over, but he leads her up on the bed when Kurt starts whimpering in his sleep. He wakes up to soft licks to his face and quiet whines as Xena nuzzle in close. It makes him cry harder, but Kurt buries his face in her furry neck and Blaine had to have bathed her because she smells good and clean and between her and Blaine wrapped around his back, it's the best night of sleep Kurt's had since the attack.

He resolutely does not think about the amount of dog hair that's going to be on his bed in the morning.

The first night Blaine is in California, Kurt doesn't sleep.

Not right away, at least.

He sits on the living room floor braced against the couch instead, half-heartedly rolling a bright orange ball away from him for Xena to bring back. It's where his dad finds him.

"Hey, buddy," Burt says, slightly groggy. Kurt looks up and forces a smile as Burt walks in and sits in his favorite chair. He tosses the ball again and Xena bounds after it, nearly running into the coffee table. "It's almost 11. You plannin' on sleepin' at some point?" Burt asks.

Kurt shrugs. Xena pads her way back to him and drops the ball in his lap, but Kurt reaches up to pet her instead. "Blaine hasn't texted me today. Just waiting," Kurt says quietly. He doesn't mention how worried he is. Blaine's terrible at remembering his phone, but he promised Kurt. He promised.

Burt leans back in his chair and sighs deeply. When Xena walks over, he scratches her neck absently. "She helpin' you any? Haven't heard you the last few nights." Burt smiles at the content whining from Xena. "She's certainly a sweetheart, geez."

"Yeah, she is," Kurt nods. "It's not…perfect. But she helps. I just need Blaine to call or text or something." He wraps his arms around himself and closes his eyes. God, he's so tired. "I'm just worried about him being with that man."

Grunting angrily, Burt shakes his head. "It's a disgrace that they let that bastard anywhere near his son," Burt says with a snarl. It's strange. Kurt's only ever heard his father speak like that about him, but he has a feeling Burt's already accepted Blaine as another son. Sap. When Blaine gets back, Kurt's going to tell him that. It'll make Blaine happy, especially since his own father is such a fuck-up.

Kurt watches his dad bond with the dog, resting his arms on his bent knees. Next to him, his cell phone remains dark. It's only around 8 for Blaine, but still. His stomach twists up in fear.

It's stupid; Mr. Anderson could hardly start hitting Blaine again in front of his new girlfriend and after the previous charges. But Kurt knows better than anyone that words can do just as much damage as fists and Blaine's still on edge about what Sebastian screamed at him in the coffee house. Going back to the man that was the source of all of his anger and low self-esteem was hardly healthy or safe and Kurt hates that he's stuck in Ohio while his boyfriend has face all of that alone. It wasn't right.

He doesn't say anything for a long time; just takes in the quiet of a house mostly asleep and the soft thumping from Xena's tail against the carpet.

"Your doctor said you'd stopped your pills," Burt suddenly breaks the silence. Kurt tenses, but nods anyway. No point in lying.

"It's been a few weeks."

"I know, she mentioned. And your prescriptions ran out a couple days ago," Burt sighs again. Xena breaks away to curl up at Kurt's side and Kurt focuses on petting her. "You wanna tell me why?"

And share his crazy with his father? "Not really," Kurt whispers. His fingers run over Xena's thick fur in steady, even strokes.

"Kurt—"

"Dad, please," Kurt begs. "Please, just—for once, just trust me. I'm okay." He looks at his father pleadingly. "I'm going to be okay, Dad."

Burt looks at his son for a long moment and the hurt in his eyes kills Kurt, but then Burt lets out a frustrated groan and rubs his temple helplessly. "Shit, Kurt," He mutters. Kurt shifts guiltily. Burt smiles weakly. "You're so much like your mom, you know."

Kurt freezes. They never talk about her. Never. Losing Elizabeth killed his father. Kurt had almost given up on seeing his dad happy again until Carole, but she still didn't compare to his mom. It's been almost nine years and it still feels like a gaping hole in his chest when he thinks about her. He still hurts.

"So independent and stubborn," Burt continues. Kurt remembers; remembers how hard she fought the cancer until she couldn't. She didn't give up until the very end. "I wish she was here." Burt admits brokenly and fuck, Kurt's going to cry again. Even without the damn meds he's emotional and he just wants it all to stop. Kurt hugs his knees to his chest and ignores Xena's questioning whine when he pulls away from her. "She'd be able to help you. She'd be better at all this than me," Burt's voice is so quiet and lonely and Kurt can't stand it so he stumbles to his feet and practically falls in his dad's lap. He might be almost seventeen, but fuck it; Kurt just really wants his dad now.

"You're doing a really good job," Kurt chokes out into his dad's shoulder. He sniffs. "I mean it, you're perfect, okay? Mom's proud of you."

Burt clutches his son tighter and Kurt can feel the larger man shaking under him. He wonders how long Burt's tried to hold it together for him. It must have been for a while.

A sharp buzzing interrupts them and Kurt twists to see his phone on the floor and lighting up with a text. It buzzes again. Burt nudges him gently until Kurt slides off. "Go answer your boyfriend," Burt grunts, trying to salvage some manliness. "And then go to bed. I mean it, kiddo." Burt tries to give him a stern look but his lips twitch too much. Kurt smiles at him.

"Okay."

"Night, Kurt."

"Good night, Dad."

He waits a few minutes until Burt's up the stairs before grabbing his phone and unlocking it. Four texts await him.

From: Blaine
I hate him so much. Took my phone soon as I landed sorry I haven't texted you

From: Blaine
Bitch gave it back. Don't get her at all. She's being nice. I don't trust her.

From: Blaine
I miss you.

From: Blaine
Call me if you aren't asleep?

Kurt opens the phone app as Xena nuzzles his head and tries to lick his ear. "Down, girl," Kurt gently forces her to lie down next to him. He thumbs to Blaine's name and calls. It only rings twice.

"Hey, babe."

Grinning at Blaine's voice, even if it sound exhausted, Kurt leans against the couch.

"Hey, Blaine."