Sept. 4, 2013, 2:12 p.m.
I Have Nothing, If I Don't Have You: Chapter 7
T - Words: 5,455 - Last Updated: Sep 04, 2013 Story: Complete - Chapters: 16/16 - Created: Jun 28, 2013 - Updated: Sep 04, 2013 239 0 0 0 0
I slowly opened my eyes and all I could see was a bright light. I immediately closed my eyes again. My entire body ached and I didn't know what had happened. My head was pounding but I tried to ignore it. All I wanted to do was fall asleep. I felt a cold hand touch my forehead, causing a shiver down my spine. I slowly opened my eyes again to find that curtains had been drawn across the window. I was confused where I was. I didn't know if I was at Santana's house and I had just dreamt going to school then home, or if I was at home, or if I was home but I had dreamt the whole thing and hadn't been injured. That was the least likely as my whole body felt like it was on fire and I was getting burnt every move I made. The cold hand pressed again on my forehead and I slowly moved my head so I could see who it was. To my surprise it was Carole. She was leaning over me and feeling how hot my forehead was. She hadn't noticed I was awake but I was horrified to see she had tears in her eyes and looked like she had been crying a lot due to her red rimmed eyes. I knew it was all down to me. I had hurt my family once again. I had to stop her feeling sad; she had done so much for me.
"Carole?" I whispered, hoping I wouldn't startle her.
Carole looked at me as if she was a deer caught in headlights. She stared at me for a few seconds before she reacted.
"Oh Kurt!" she exclaimed, smiling at me but the tears flowed down her cheeks, "Burt, come here! Kurt's awake!"
I tried to sit up but pain just stabbed at various parts of my body, causing me to let out several groans.
Carole ran a hand through my hand gently, "Sweetheart, don't move. You're in a lot of pain. I've called your Doctor to come round and see if you need further treatment. I know Doctor Lopez looked at you last night and treated you but you seem to have gotten worse."
I let my body slowly go back to its position when I woke up. I looked around the room I was in. My first view was the television. I realised I was lying on the sofa in the living with a pillow to cushion my head and a blanket over me. I didn't know how long I had been passed out for.
I tried to take a deep breath but a pain shot through my ribs, "Oh this hurts..."
Carole seemed pained at my words, "I'm so sorry sweetheart. The Doctor is on his way. I don't want to give you any pain medication in case you need to go to hospital."
My eyes widened at her words, "Hospital? I don't want to go to hospital Carole! Please Carole! I can't go to hospital!"
Carole ran her hand through my hair again, "Hopefully it won't come to that darling. We're just so worried about you and we want to make sure. I know you hate hospitals but if you need to go, you have to. You really need medical treatment."
I nodded as she continued to run her hands through my hair. It was oddly soothing as I never let anyone touch my hair. Blaine was the only exception to the rule. I knew I needed to talk to him. He had acted so differently today and he had obviously been so worried about what had happened to me. I wondered if Blaine thought he had made a mistake in breaking my heart but I couldn't get my hopes up if I was mistaken. He could have just been worried that people might blame him if I had been really hurt. I mentally shook my head. Blaine wasn't like that. He cared about people and wasn't at all malicious. He had loved me once upon a time so would care about me. He obviously had been genuinely worried at me and had been distraught to hear I was missing; judging by the look on his face. He had been so sweet and loving when I had seen him briefly in the choir room earlier today. I wanted to talk to him so badly but knew I wasn't up to it. I needed to focus on myself, not whether my ex boyfriend wanted us to get back together after being apart for roughly twenty fours where I had been attacked by his friend.
Suddenly the door burst out and my Dad came charging into the room.
"Carole!? You said Kurt was awake?" Dad panted out, obviously out of breath from running.
Carole nodded, "Yeah he is. He's awake, Burt."
I watched as my Dad made his way over to the sofa cautiously. He pulled off his baseball cap and scratched at his head, before returning the baseball cap to the top of his head; something he only did when he was worried and didn't know what to do.
Carole leaned forward to kiss my forehead, "I'll leave you two to talk. I'll come back when the Doctor gets here."
Carole got up and I saw her whisper something to my Dad. He nodded in response and the two of us watched as Carole left the room. Dad looked at me but I quickly averted my eyes to the ceiling. I didn't know what to say. I knew we needed to talk as that was inevitable, but I didn't know what either of us would say. I knew I needed to apologise for my actions and the worry I caused my family. I also knew Dad would want to know what had happened to me and, as if I knew him so well, I knew he would go absolutely mental and want to hunt Sebastian down. Blaine would have a similar action to my Dad when I told him... if I told him I automatically corrected. Blaine might not want to talk about it and might just want closure from me; especially since I wanted to go to New York next year.
"Kurt..." Dad whispered, causing me to look at him and focus my attention on him.
"Dad..." I responded in the same tone, wondering what was going to happen.
I watched as my Dad stepped over to the sofa, watching me for any reaction that suggested I didn't want him near me. Dad slowly sat down on the edge of the sofa next to my body, careful not to jostle me at all as it would cause me pain.
Suddenly Dad let out a sob, "Oh Kurt, I hate to see you looking like this... all bandaged up... it kills me!"
This caused me to panic, "Dad... your heart!"
Dad quickly shook his head, "Screw my heart! My heart is physically fine kiddo. Although... this might sound so cheesy you might roll your eyes at me, but I'm heartbroken at the fact this happened to you son."
His words did cause me to smile slightly but I was still cautious about him being stressed out, which could lead to another heart attack and he could die this time.
"Dad... firstly that is cheesy but I appreciate the sentiment and secondly I'm worried about your heart," I told my Dad, wishing he was more worried about his heart.
Dad took my hand carefully in his, not squeezing too hard as he didn't want to hurt me, "Kurt I know you're worried about my heart. I'm worried about my heart but you have to remember I didn't just have the heart attack; it's been a year and a half since I was in hospital. Kurt... I get it. You lost your Mum when you were eight years old and I'm the only parent left. I don't ever want to let you down buddy. I promise you that I will take care of myself as best as I can. Between you and Carole, there is no way I will go back to my old diet. You two will never let me. I know you didn't tell me about that kid Karofsky threatening you because you were worried about my heart and the stress. I understand that as it hadn't been long since I had had the heart attack but kid... you don't have to worry about me like you do. I'm the parent and it's my job to worry about you. Okay?"
I took in what my Dad had said. I was always worried about his heart and what would happen to him. I had been worried about him before the heart attack but I guess that had put it in perspective for me. If my Dad died, I would be an orphan and I couldn't bear the idea of both my parents being gone from me. I could barely cope with my Mum gone.
"I guess you're right. I just don't want to cause you too much stress," I said, looking down at Dad's hand holding mine, "I just remember the morning of the day when you had the heart attack. We had had an argument and it would have caused you stress as I was a disappointment to you..."
I trailed off as Dad had told me last night that he was disappointed in me for the second time. I had told him I didn't have an appetite for Carole's lasagne but he had been disappointed in me.
Dad quickly stopped my thoughts, "There is no way in hell that you are a disappointment to me Kurt Hummel! I know I told you twice that I was disappointed in you but never in my life have I been disappointed in my brave and brilliant son! Is that why you're always worried about causing me stress? Do you feel that you led to that heart attack?"
I shrugged my shoulders but winced at my aching bones, "In a way. I know you probably would have had a heart attack but I had an argument with you and hours later I'm getting pulled out of class as you've had a heart attack. There must be a connection there."
Dad cupped my face gently with his free hand, "There is no connection there Kurt. You are not to blame I can guarantee that."
My Dad's expression was so honest and eager; I couldn't help believe what he was saying. I nodded slightly, showing that I understood what he was saying. Dad let out a sigh and leaned down to kiss my forehead, avoiding any cuts I had on my head.
Dad cleared his throat and let go of my face, "I think we should talk about what happened last night then."
I nodded in response but didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.
Luckily Dad seemed to know what to say, "I don't know what I can do to make it up to you son. I'm so sorry for what I did and what I said. I can't believe I blew up like that. I'm so sorry."
"Dad it's okay, I understand," I replied, knowing that my Dad was really apologetic.
Dad shook his head, "No Kurt, it's not. I had had a stressful day and was pissed off in general. There was absolutely no need for me to take it out on you when it turns out you had had a worse day than me and because of me, you felt the need to leave the house and it led to you being hurt."
"I shouldn't have run," I interrupted, speaking my true feelings, "I should have stood my ground and made you see why I was upset. I shouldn't have fled like the coward I am."
Dad once again shook his head, "Kurt there is no way in hell you are a coward! Son you are one, if not the bravest person I have ever had the privilege to know. I completely understand why you ran. You didn't feel like you could stay in your own home and I will always regret that I made you feel that way. I hate that I made my own son leave due to what I said and how I acted. I'm so sorry Kurt."
"Dad I forgive you," I said, hoping Dad understood, "My mind was trying to keep me rational and was trying to tell me you had had a long day and was exhausted, so you were acting out of character. However there was a tiny part of me telling me that you were sick of having me around and didn't want to have a fag..."
"Don't ever say that word in this house!" Dad growled, startling me.
"...to have a gay son and that tiny part of me made itself known, making me listen to it," I finished, hoping I didn't make my Dad too upset.
I glanced at my father to see he had tears at the corners of his eyes. I hated seeing him like this.
"Kurt..." Dad's voice was all choked up, "I will never ever be sick of having you around. Didn't I tell you a couple of weeks ago that I don't want you to go? That I'm going to miss you so much? Didn't I say that I wish I could have my sweet little boy back so you didn't have to leave? Kurt I wish you were always around. I hope you also realise that I would love you whether you were gay or straight. You're my son, my boy. You're my son and I'll always love you no matter what. Remember what I said to you in that auditorium? It's your job to be yourself and it's my job to love you no matter what. I stick to what I said kiddo and I always will."
I nodded at my Dad, tears making their way down my face. Dad seemed to be having the same problem as me.
"I love you Dad," I whispered, sniffing as I tried to speak over my tears.
"I love you too kiddo," Dad replied as he quickly wiped his tears away, "I'll always love you."
We sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to calm down and stop our tears.
Dad took a deep breath, "Kurt I need to apologise for the fact I swore at you and dismissed your problems as 'teenage boy crap'. Your problems are my number one priority. I know you would never have been acting like that if it was meaningless. I'm so sorry Kurt. I couldn't believe that I had told you to eat your... dinner the way I did. I should never have taken it out on you. I'm so sorry. I was being selfish and focusing on myself, not paying attention to the heartbroken boy at the table."
I let out a watery chuckle, "It's okay Dad. I forgive you. I know how sorry you are."
Dad smiled weakly, "Thank you Kurt. Before we talk about the events of last night in full detail, no matter how stressful you think it might be, do you want to talk about what happened with Blaine?"
More tears appeared in my eyes when he said my ex boyfriend's name. I hated how pathetic I felt but I felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart. He was supposed to be my forever and I hated to think those dreams had come to an abrupt end.
A shuddery breath escaped my lips, "Blaine said... he... he doesn't want to hold me back if I go to New York so... he broke up with me."
"Oh Kurt I'm so sorry," Dad said, squeezing my hand gently and trying to look like this was the first time he had received this news.
I knew my Dad too well, "You knew already, didn't you?"
Dad sighed, "Yeah I did. I spoke to Blaine last night when we were looking for you. Son you have to know he was so scared and so worried about you. He was practically beating himself up as he blamed himself for you going missing. I told him that it was me that caused you to run but he wouldn't hear of it. He said that he took full responsibility. He was the last one to return home last night and wanted to skip school to continue looking. Blaine said he would never forgive himself if you were hurt in anyway. I'm guessing he was relieved he went to school as Santana took you there."
It took me a moment to speak, "Yeah he was happy to see me. He hugged me and just kept staring at me... as did everyone else. I probably need to speak to Blaine then."
"Probably need to?" Dad raised his eyebrow at me, "Kurt you definitely need to. He was frantic with worry last night. I know he's deeply in love with you and breaking up with you was a mistake. You need to talk to that boy Kurt Hummel."
"All right I will Dad," I replied, smiling slightly at my Dad's love for mine and Blaine's relationship.
Dad smiled back before his expression grew serious, "Kurt we need to discuss what happened last night after you ran out the house."
I paused, "Okay. Can you first tell me what happened with you and can you also promise that you won't interrupt me during my story and that you won't storm off at the end?"
Dad looked at me questionably but sighed, "I promise Kurt. Right um... well I called after you and Finn gave chase but you were too quick. Carole and I ran out of the house as well but couldn't see you. I was screaming your name but to no avail. Finn came back eventually saying you were way too quick for him and he had lost you in the darkness. We went back inside and Carole had a massive go at me. Finn told me you had been really upset and he didn't think you were very well. I felt so guilty and needed to apologise. Finn went out in his car to look for me but didn't find you. We waited for about an hour but we were so worried. We called up everyone from the New Directions but no one had seen you. Several of them came round, all keen on helping to look for you while the rest were already out looking. I called Will and Sue and they got involved in the search. I eventually called Blaine and, let me tell you, that was one of the hardest phone calls of my life. Blaine immediately started panicking and came over straight away. He was crying so much and was desperate for you to be found. We all were. Everyone was panicking and praying you were okay. The search continued into the early hours of this morning but eventually we turned in for the night. I practically had to force Blaine to return home and made him promise to go to school. I woke up early the next morning and continued my search. I went to the garage to do some paperwork before continuing my search. Suddenly I got the phone call from Finn saying Santana had found you and you were at the school with everyone. I was so relieved. Santana brought you home and I was so incredibly grateful to her. When I saw you I couldn't believe it. I was so scared when you collapsed into my arms as I didn't know what had happened to you. Santana briefly explained when she had found you and that her father treated you. And now you're awake. It's your turn Kurt."
I let my Dad's story wash over me for a few moments. I felt so incredibly guilty for all the panic and worry I had caused. I needed to make it everyone.
I took a deep breath, "Remember no interrupting. I ran out of the house and just kept running. It made me think of a line from 'Fight Club'. After I don't know how long, I slowed down and eventually sat down feeling exhausted. I had no idea where I was and had no way of getting home. I heard someone heading my way and realised it was Sebastian Smythe, someone I know through the Warblers..."
Dad interrupted me, "He's that one who tried to slushy you but instead slushied Blaine!"
I just gave my father a look and he quietened down.
I continued with my tale, "Yes that's him. Sebastian was actually quite nice for a change, which freaked me out. He's normally so horrible but he wanted to see if I was okay and actually gave me his jacket as I was cold. We talked for a while and he told me he was going to Scandals so invited me to go with him. It sounded tempting as it was a chance to let loose and have some fun, plus I would be out of the cold."
Dad put his hand up, "Can I just ask? What's Scandals?"
"It's... the gay bar in West Lima," I replied, worried about his reaction.
Dad kept a neutral expression, "Have you been there before?"
I nodded, knowing there was no point lying, "Once before with Blaine and Sebastian."
Dad nodded but didn't say anything else. I knew we would be talking about it later.
I coughed slightly, "I went with Sebastian to Scandals. I felt like my whole world was topsy turvy and just wanted to be a teenager and have some fun. I'm not going to lie to you; we did drink while we were there. It was karaoke night and Sebastian signed me up without me knowing. I sang a song called 'Titanium' about inner strength which everyone there loved."
I decided to skip the part about the manager flirting with me and the arse squeezing.
"I did some shots with Sebastian and saw it was way after midnight. I did think of you, Carole and Finn but pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind," I explained, wishing this was over, "Sebastian asked me to dance and I accepted. It was quite a lot of fun until a guy started singing 'Teenage Dream'."
Dad frowned, obviously wondering what was wrong with that song. He knew I loved it because I had it as my ringtone.
I cleared my throat, "Katy Perry's 'Teenage Dream' is the song Blaine sang to me on the day I went to spy on the Warblers nearly two years ago. It's our song. I couldn't cope so quickly left Scandals. I stood in the alley nearby and tried not to cry. Sebastian followed me out and told me it would be good if I talked to him as he was my friend. I literally exploded at him and told him we weren't friends after everything he had done. I told him my life sucks because my Dad and Blaine don't love me..."
Dad opened his mouth to protest but I shook my head, "I know you love me Dad."
Dad nodded, "Good and you remember that kiddo."
I smiled slightly, "I will Dad I promise. Sebastian's response was that it was a good thing Blaine didn't love and when I demanded why, he told me... he told me he was in love with me."
"What!?" Dad exploded, his mouth dropping open, "He's in love with you!? Oh God, he didn't say he did all that stuff because he didn't know how to handle his crush, did he? He didn't hurt you because you rejected him!?"
"Dad you said you wouldn't interrupt me," I reminded my father.
Dad grumbled for a few but drew silent.
I continued, looking at my hands, "I asked for an explanation and he said my insults and bitch attitude ignited a fire. He said his feelings grew deeper and he felt jealous at any mention of Blaine. He wanted to repel the feelings so was horrible to me. He decided to change when... Karofsky tried to commit suicide. Sebastian said he realised he was in love with me. He pulled me close to him but I tried to downplay it and said he was drunk, that we should talk about it when we're sober. I told him I still loved Blaine but he didn't listen. He wanted to change my mind so he kissed me. I told Sebastian to leave me alone. He suddenly lunged for me and we both went flying to the ground. I smashed my head on the ground and couldn't move as Sebastian had pinned me to the ground, holding down my wrists. I tried to push him off but he was too strong and I couldn't get my hands free. I continuously fought back but nothing was happened. He kept kissing me and he even bit down on my neck. He let go of one of my hands and placed his hands on my jeans. I wasn't going to let that happen to me. I grabbed Sebastian's hand and he pinned it down again. I turned my head towards his hand and bit it. Sebastian pulled away and I punched him in the face as hard as I could, before manoeuvring my leg and kneeing him in the balls as hard as I could. I was able to shove him off me and pull myself up. I yelled at Sebastian and ran out of the alley. I wasn't looking where I was going and ran out into the car park, narrowly avoiding getting hit. I just ran away and continued to run. I thought about life as I ran, wondering why everything happened to me. I thought about you guys, thinking you were all be tucked up in bed and not worried at all. Even then I knew that was far from the truth. I knew you would be worried sick and be feeling guilty. I knew Carole would be worrying and I knew Finn would be comfort eating as well as panicking. I knew Blaine would blame himself. I felt so guilty Dad. I eventually slowed down and felt so ill and dizzy. I saw a bin and threw up in it. I threw up for a while before collapsing on a bench. Suddenly a car pulled up and I got up to run again but it was Santana. She helped me and took me home. Santana and her Dad took care of me. This morning, Santana took me to school as I wanted everyone to see I was okay before coming home. That's what happened to me Dad. I'm so sorry."
There was a moment of silence before I found myself being lifted gently into my Dad's lap. He held me to him and just hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him and just let go, sobbing into his shoulder. Dad didn't say anything, he just let me cry. Eventually I did pull away; knowing w had to talk about this and what had happened.
Dad spoke first, "Son you know how hard this is for me. I want to go and find that Warbler and knock him senseless. I won't do that because that would cause all sorts of trouble and you don't want me to. Oh Kurt, I have to admit I am disappointed about the drinking and the gay bar but I do understand why you did it. You said so yourself. I can't believe he violated my baby like that. You have so many cuts and bruises."
"I know. Doctor Lopez stitched the two gashes on my face up and bandaged me up. He said I just need painkillers and to rest. He did mention concussion but I just need rest," I informed my Dad.
Dad nodded, "Doctor Perry is coming just to clarify. I trust Doctor Lopez but after you passed out, you need medical attention."
As Dad finished speaking, Carole stuck her head round the door, "Sorry to disturb you two but the Doctor is here. Is he okay to come in?"
Dad moved me off his lap, laid me back on the sofa and stood up, "Of course he is."
I watched as Doctor Perry came into the room, followed by Carole. He had been my Doctor since I was an infant.
The Doctor smiled gently at me, "I hear you've been in the wars Mr Hummel."
I smiled weakly at his attempt to lighten the mood, "Yeah I have. My friend's Dad looked me over last night and I've had stitches. He said two of my ribs are bruised and I have some burns on my back. There was a mention of concussion due to blows to the head and plus the fact I collapsed when I got home."
Doctor Perry shone a light in both of my eyes and looked over my stitches, cuts and bruises. The tension in the room was unbearable. Everyone was waiting for the Doctor's verdict.
After what felt like forever assessing me, Doctor Perry spoke, "Kurt, you do have concussion but you don't need to go to hospital. You just need to rest as much as you possibly can and nothing too strenuous. I would apply cream to your bruises religiously to reduce any swelling and eventually get rid of the bruises. The stitches will eventually need to be removed but we'll see how the cuts are healing first. Take it easy Kurt. Just remember your ribs are going to be causing you a lot of pain and they can take between four to six weeks to heal properly. I would suggest an ice pack for the next couple of days as it will reduce pain and swelling. I mean this, do not exert yourself. Resting is the best thing you can do to heal quickly."
I nodded and thanked the Doctor. He spoke to Dad and Carole for a while before saying farewell. Dad came and took his place next to me on the sofa.
Carole came over and ran her fingers through my hair like she had earlier, "I'm going to get you some painkillers, water and an icepack. Would you like anything else sweetheart?"
I shook my head, "No thank you Carole. I'm so sorry about last night."
Carole shook her head and leaned down to kiss my forehead, "I completely understand Kurt. I'm so sorry this happened to you."
Dad took my hand in his, squeezing the bandaged hand gently, "Don't apologise Kurt. We hate that this happened to you and we're here to look after you. Right, I suggest you get some sleep buddy. I'm going to put one of your favourite films on as I know you sometimes do that when you can't sleep. I know watching TV can cause headaches so focus more on sleeping kiddo."
I smiled at my two parents, "I love you two."
Dad smiled at me, "I love you too kiddo."
Carole smiled tearily at me, "I love you too Kurt. Right I'll go and get those icepacks."
I was left alone for a moment until Dad returned with 'Moulin Rouge' and Carole returned with water, painkillers and a few ice packs. Carole helped me to drink some water after swallowing two painkillers. Dad put on the film and I closed my eyes, snuggling under the blanket carefully. Carole lifted the blanket and my shirt briefly to place the ice pack on my ribs which caused me to gasp. She also placed an ice pack by the cut at the back of my eye where a lump was forming. I whispered my thanks and Carole kissed my forehead. I could hear the film starting but I couldn't open my eyes. I was exhausted physically and mentally.
I fell asleep to words: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to leave and be loved in return."