The ASSembly is today. Im so nervous that I started biting my nails a bit, but I stop. My nails are not to blame. The ASSembly as always takes place in the auditorium. As a student council member, Im sitting onstage during the ASSembly and right now Im staring up at the ceiling with my eyes the size of tennis balls. Seriously, its a lot more interesting than whatever coach Colin wants to say right now.

"Tomorrow night at our homecoming game, lets show Lincoln High what Clover is all about!" He says, rising a fist high in the air. "Lets pull a John Wilkes Booth on Lincoln High!"

The eruption that follows is insanely loud. Then Couch Colin runs through the auditorium, giving high fives to anyone around and finally leaves.

Remy is next at the podium and to my surprise, she got a round of applause. Maybe my announcement wont be that bad after all. As soon as she starts talking though, I spot someone in the crowd that I almost forgot about.

Blaine is sitting there, looking straight at me, not moving. Hes right next to Malerie, who has her camcorder safe in her hands, recording everything. Suddenly I cant take my eyes off of him because it brings out all of my previous doubts and feelings. Actually, he reminds me of the whole yesterday and what happened.

His room, the piano, his beautiful voice, brown loving eyes, the bed, our kiss. Im still not sure if Im gay or not, and Im not even sure what I want to be. But Ill admit, the whole sex thing is one area of my life I havent fully investigated... Do I want to investigate it with Blaine though?

I dont care who you are – gay, straight, bisexual, black, white, purple, cat, dog or pigeon. Id just like to finally know who exactly I am. I dont like being confused like this, but I dont like labels either. I just dont know and I really dont like not knowing.

Suddenly I realize that Frodo (thats Remy because shes really short) is finally over and so I stand up and walk to the mic.

"Hello, future farmers and inmates." I say, "Im Carson Phillips, from the Clover High Chronicle, and Im here with some very exciting news! This year for the first time ever, Clover High will release its first literary magazine!" I clap, but Im alone.

Well, at least I got their attention. Perfect. "Now, I know most of you cant read, let alone write." I continue. "But for all the secret writers out there, please submit any original work into the box outside the journalism classroom and it will be published." It doesnt look like they understand, so I add, "Poems, essays, short stories… hit lists, anything!"

The whole auditorium is still quiet. "Thank you. God bless."

I go back to my chair on the podium and then the principal goes and says some shit into the mic, I dont really care. Even though I dont want to, but my eyes unintentionally wander to where Blaine with Malerie are sitting. Again.

Hes looking down this time – it looks like hes playing with something in his hands, but I dont think that thats important. I wish I could sit there with him and look at his face and say that I actually liked that kiss. Our kiss. Maybe... maybe I do want to investigate with Blaine a little and be in a relationship. I still cant be sure though, the only thing I can think about now without completely confusing myself is getting into Northwestern and thats why Im doing all of this.

xoXOXox

I walk out of the auditorium as soon as the assembly ends. I cant face Kurt again, it would be really awkward. And he doesnt even like me, so with that kiss I might have completely ruined my first friendship in Clover before it even fully started. He said that he doesnt hate me though, so maybe its not over yet and maybe we can be friends again. Some day.

But for today, I dont want to talk to him. Well, I want to, but I dont think that he wants to talk to me.

After school, I see the box that Kurt was talking about earlier. And it looks exactly how I thought it would. It doesnt say Literary magazine anymore, someone got creative and changed it to Shiterary magazine. I carefully open it and look inside and its full of used tissues, toilet paper, candy wrappers and a used gum. Even a half-eaten hamburger is in there! I can already see Kurts disappointed face.

Yesterday when Kurt left, I wrote him a letter. I dont have his number and even if I had, it wouldnt be that personal to just text him. I want him to know that Im serious. I just want him to read it and understand even when its mostly just nonsense. The letter is already closed and tied with a tiny red bow tie so I wont open it before he does.

Firstly, I wanted to just put it into that box and wait until he finds it, but now I think that its much better idea to put the letter into his locker. At least I know where that is.

I go back into the school and find the hallway where Kurts locker is. I look around, but I dont see anybody, its after school after all and Kurts probably in the journalism classroom I guess. I walk closer to his locker and put the letter out of my bag.

I look at it for the last time, kiss it on the bow tie and finally put it inside.

xoXOXox

What the hell was I thinking?! I shouldnt have spoken on the assembly! I was so foolish to think that I had actually inspired people! When I went to collect the submission box from outside and brought it into the journalism classroom where Malerie was already waiting, I thought that the box was full of stories and articles and stuff, but of course not!

It was just a kilogram of toilet paper, tissues, candy wrappers, even half-eaten hamburger and other things that I still dont recognize and something tells me that I dont even want to. They used it as a hazardous-waste basket. It didnt even say Literary magazine anymore, as Malerie pointed out, it was now a Shiterary magazine! Some asshole got apparently creative with a Sharpie. Im so disappointed. At least Blaine could have written something!

But Im not going to give up. Malerie said that she caught Coach Colin Walker and Claire Mathews bonking each other in the boys locker room and actually showed me a footage of what she had seen. When I said that she films everything, I meant it.

Im already blackmailing Nicholas and Scott and this is just an idea, but if I get too desperate, I can start blackmailing Claire and Coach too. In fact, I could easily get dirt on a lot of students and blackmail all of them... It would be called... the "Operation Clovergate". Now that would be perfect.

After I finish painting all the pieces for our float for tomorrows Homecoming with Malerie, I leave the journalism classroom and go to my locker to get a few stuff. Its been a long day and Im happy that I can finally go home. Even when all Im gonna find there is just my mom, sleeping on the couch in a mess of food and alcohol and her pills, all mixed together on the table and floor.

The school is already empty and silent and the trenches dont even smell that bad like they always do (I say trenches because if the smell in the hallways after lunch on burrito day isnt gas warfare, I dont know what is).

I go to my locker and open it.

Theres a small letter waiting inside, carefully wrapped in blue paper with a tiny bow tie on top. I look at it a little confused, but when I open it, I immediately recognize Blaines handwriting. I sigh and roll my eyes. Maybe I should have talked to him today.

The letter says:

Dear Kurt,

I know that Ive said this many times before, but Im deeply sorry for what happened in my room. You were right, I have a crush on you, but I wont apologize for that because thats not something that I can control. I liked you the first moment that I saw you in the hallway, yelling at everybody that theres no H in suck. I joined your Writers club even when Im horrible in writing, just to be closer to you and when you agreed to go to my house, my affection for you took over.

Im sorry for making you feel forced and uncomfortable. I know you said that you dont hate me, but I feel guilty and I just want you to know that if its possible, I want to make things right again.

If you want to be friends even after what I did to you, please meet me tonight in the park behind my house at 10pm. If you wont come, I wont bother you again and leave the Writers club, if you want me to.

With love, Blaine.