July 20, 2013, 11:45 a.m.
Who I Am When I Don't Know Myself Anymore: Closer Look
E - Words: 948 - Last Updated: Jul 20, 2013 Story: Closed - Chapters: 17/? - Created: May 07, 2012 - Updated: Jul 20, 2013 765 0 8 0 0
The day was boring up until I went to the Warblers' room to study with Blaine. I rounded the hallway corner and immediately found Blaine lounging on a dark faux leather couch with a bag a chips on one side of him and a thick book in his lap.
"Hi, love," I said to make my presence known. He snapped his head up and smiled like an eager puppy. I sat down next to him and pulled out books of my own, ignoring the empty feeling in my stomach. No, not hungry.
"How's your day been?" he asked.
"Fine," I retorted like usual. Actually, that was far from the truth, but would I tell my boyfriend that I almost fainted in math class? Or that I was so shaky that I had a hard time holding my pencil in physics?
"Fine," I repeated, more to assure myself. Blaine patted my soft knee soothingly.
"How are you?" I asks, trying to rid myself of selfish thoughts. He sighed to my surprise.
"I'm alright. Just stressing out over this," he admitted with a gesture to the books strewn about. I hummed sympathetically and opened my books to study. Fifteen minutes passed before either of us looked at the clock again.
"We better get going. Class starts in five minutes," Blaine said dejectedly. I patted his shoulder. His lean shoulder.
"You'll do fine. Take your time," I smiled. He always got so stressed out with tests yet came out with the highest scores. We packed and stood up. Blaine pulled me into a hug when suddenly my vision blacked out momentarily, and I stumbled a bit on weak legs.
"Whoa, honey. Are you okay?" Blaine asked with immense concern and strong arms to hold me up. I shook out of the lightheaded daze and blinked a him.
"Yeah, totally fine!" I smiled brightly, completely aware of the sudden buzzing in my body. A cold sweat was beginning to break out.
"Did you eat today?"
"Of course," I half-lied. After my coffee, I nibbled on three crackers. 70 calories.
"What did you have for lunch?"
"I had the…uh…pasta in the cafeteria." My pulse quickened as I said it. It went haywire especially when Blaine was silent for a moment, scrutinizing me with his hazel eyes.
"Okay then. Well, I'm off to class. See you later, love!" he chimed. He kissed my lips before picking up his stuff and waking out of the room. It seemed like a while before I took a shuddery breath. That was close. Too close. I went to my French class trying to rid myself of the sweat and pounding headache that had established.
Blaine's POV
I sat in the Warbler's room reviewing my physics notes and munching on Doritos.
"Hi, love," a soothing voice greeted. Kurt stood in front of me clutching his satchel before sitting right next to me and getting started on studying. It's crazy how he can brighten my day with just his presence.
"How's your day been?" I questioned him like a good boyfriend.
"Fine," he replied in a monotone voice. That didn't strike me as odd because it was his way of telling me he really didn't want to talk about deep feelings.
"Fine," he repeated in a lower voice that struck a chord in my heart. I gently touched his knee as a demonstration of comfort. What I was not expecting was the sharpness of his knee cap. No real flesh, just bone. I had to ask myself: Was Kurt losing weight?
"How are you?" he asked me. My train of thought about his knee was lost, and I simply sighed.
"I'm alright. Just stressing out over this," I pointed toward my school load. Kurt gave me a sympathetic look. In the quiet we worked on our separate subjects. During that time, I snuck glances over at my boyfriend. Luckily he was completely engrossed in French and didn't notice my stalker-ish looks. Tired. Worn out. Fading. That was what I saw when I looked at Kurt. Now I could add thin; almost scary thin with his face gaunt and bony knees showing through the fabric of our Dalton slacks. This was bringing my mood down. My mood worsens when I saw the clock.
"We better get going. Class starts in five minutes," I announced. Kurt saw through my mood and related it to my physics test.
"You'll do fine. Take your time," he advised sweetly. It was my own fault for getting lost in my head and not paying attention to my schoolwork. Oh, well. We both put our bags together and stood up from the leather couch. I felt compelled to embrace Kurt and so enveloped him in my eyes. As I pulled away, he seemed to lose strength and his face visibly paled. Crap.
"Whoa, honey. Are you okay?" I asked while holding his body upright.
"Yeah, totally fine!" he said with a pained smile. Liar.
"Did you eat?" I tried.
"Of course," he said nonchalantly. LIAR.
"What did you have for lunch?" I pried again.
"I had the…uh… pasta in the cafeteria." My heart crumpled seeing the hitch in his breath, a visible lie. I took his appearance in. Adding to the list of things I could see, he hid a secret. A dark secret that he couldn't tell his own boyfriend. I reminded myself to take notice of his habits more closely.
"Okay then. I'm off to class. See you later, love," I said and left the room after a brief kiss. I dragged along to the dreaded physics test with more dread for Kurt than the class.
Comments
Thank you for continuing this! This is the type of angst I crave! It is a very sad story, but I love how Blaine can still tell there is something wrong with Kurt even though Kurt thinks he hid's it so well. You can't hid anything from the love of your life! Thank you so much!
oh perfect! go klainers! there is always a writer out there for you:) thank YOU for reading!
i have a bit more to write then i'll update my others. thanks a bunch for reading!!!!
please keep going!
Oh buddy! Blaine sees it! Good... now what will Blaine do and what will Kurt let him do? I am interested to see!
i think it will get pretty interesting in these next few updates....
I really really love this so far. Heart wrenching, but it's worth it.
thank you for reading!!!!!!!!!! it'll alleviate a bit in these next updates, but i don't plan on killing off any characters. i'll cry