I have been keeping a secret from you, and I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand the fact that I have to lie to you, and I can't stand the fact that every time I do, it just takes me further down the path of untrustworthiness. Kurt, you know that I never hung out with the right crowd. The people I used to hang out with had a different idea of a "fun time" than you and I, and growing up as I did, I just naturally fallowed along. That doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make what I did ok, and nothing I ever do could make it ok that I lied to you, or express how sorry I am.

It started off as just weed, usually on weekends or when me and my "friends" were bored. It felt nice; it was as if I knew what it was like to think without having all the worries and troubles nagging at me. I tried alcohol a few times, but I didn't like it. I didn't like being sick in the morning, but weed never made me sick, it just made me sad when those nagging worries started to nudge their way to the forefront of my brain again. It wasn't until I started becoming more and more aware of my sexuality that I resorted to codeine. It was so simple Kurt; it was so simple that it was as if the world was pointing me straight to the pill cabinet in my parents' bedroom. An abandoned bottle of pills just sitting there waiting for me. It took all the pain away Kurt, I never thought of this thing I had been hiding about myself and how it would ruin the life I had made for myself. Once I ran out it was easy to get more, the people I knew had connections. I am so sorry Kurt, but it was all that kept me happy. I ran out a few days before we kissed, I had lost all my connections, and I was terrified and in pain, Kurt. I ran out and I felt as though every light and star in the universe had been terminated, yet there was a small little flashlight there to guide me through, and that was you Kurt. I'm so sorry for lying to you, I'm so sorry for talking to you and telling you I was ok, when really I was watching the pills I had left disappear like the sand in an hour glass, ticking away my time of sanity. I wish I had the courage to tell you this in person, and I wish I could be perfect for you, and believe me, I am going to try to do just that. But I'm scared, I haven't had a codeine pill for days, and it's as though my inside are caving in on themselves. Everything hurts, everything is frightening, and the world is dark except for the small path of light that is you.

I trust you Kurt, and I know I have betrayed you're trust, but I hope you can trust me one day, and I hope one day I can be what you deserve, and I am so sorry that I am like this. I'm going to stop, but it is so hard. I keep remembering what it was like to sink into that wonderful and peaceful oblivion where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I hope you can forgive me, because I am so, so sorry.

Sincerely,

Blaine