Kurt Hummel was mourning. Truth be told, even though he got to see Blaine every day after he died, Kurt still mourned his boyfriend's death. Even though it was still the same Blaine every time he came back to the horrible Monday, Kurt couldn't help but be grieving for the lost of what he now called in his heat "past-Blaine", number one, two, and three.

It was some comfort that no matter how the day changed or the accident changed, Blaine was still there, beaming at him, telling him he loved Kurt, and of course, being ever the good boyfriend, trying to convince Kurt to not quite give up on school yet.

If only Blaine knew.

Maybe that's what perturbed Kurt so. That Blaine didn't know. And Kurt was left with this knowledge on his own. Perhaps it was the burden of having to face his boyfriend's death without looking to Blaine for comfort. Even when he got the feeling that he'd be waking up at the Lima Bean, Kurt couldn't help but worry that maybe, against his prior beliefs, this would be the exception to the rule.

He'd wake up and Blaine would be dead.

And he wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

In truth, he hadn't been able to do anything about it so far despite the fact he'd already been given two valid opportunities. Death number one didn't count. Kurt didn't see that one coming.

That had been the worst.

Kurt didn't like to think about that day. It made him visibly nauseous. It may those tears he had shed that day come back in full. It was all he could do to choke back sobs and hope the patrons of the Lima Bean, and more importantly Blaine, didn't ask what was wrong.

Because where could he start?

Everything was wrong. Kurt was losing his boyfriend over and over again. And even though Blaine had settled back into his seat across from Kurt, absentmindedly sipping his coffee over his smile, Kurt was grieving.

And everyone goes through the seven steps.

No exceptions.

Not even if your boyfriend keeps magically coming back to life.

SHOCK AND DENIAL

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

"So what are you going to do in your last week of school? Sing every day? Study French? If I get a vote, I suggest the latter because you know how flawlessly it makes me swoon."

Kurt looked up from his cup and smiled lightly, nodding barely in agreement. "Yeah, sure."

Blaine looked at Kurt sadly for a moment, before turning his attention back to his cup, pretending to read the writing around the cup.

This couldn't really be happening could it? Kurt had to actually be insane. This doesn't happen. Not to anyone. Not that Kurt had heard of at least.

Blaine was dead right? Or maybe not. Maybe this whole range of Mondays was a ridiculous dream. Kurt was going to wake up after this particular dream, in his bed, to his loud alarm sounding in his ear. He'd panic that he might have slept in, late to coffee with Blaine. Then he'd rush on over to the Lima Bean and apologize profusely for his tardiness.

Blaine would just laugh and smile as if it was nothing. Come on Kurt, at least you're here now.

Here with me.

Kurt would smile and think about how much he wanted to kiss his boyfriend the entire time he was forced to sit in the coffee shop. And if he was lucky, Blaine might just oblige.

It'd be a normal day for a normal teenager in love.

In love.

And then Kurt knew. The first Monday had happened.

Kurt wouldn't make up "I love you" in his head. I love you was special. Kurt wouldn't have simply imagined the first time Blaine said it. He wouldn't dream about Blaine saying that to him.

His dream were preoccupied with much more than PG thoughts of Blaine.

Kurt blushed at the thought.

"Kurt, you're blushing" Blaine said, his attention taken off of the cup.

Kurt smiled at Blaine, the first true smile he'd given him since this whole thing had started.

"Not that it's not cute! It's definitely adorable!" Blaine said gushing over Kurt.

Not that Kurt minded in the slightest.

But Blaine's attention was once again focused on stray items around the Lima Bean. He was trying to distract himself because of Kurt's lack of response. Kurt knew the feeling.

"This isn't real is it?"

Blaine's eyes locked onto Kurt's, full of questions and curiosity.

"What isn't real Kurt?"

"Any of it"

Blaine inhaled and frowned slightly at Kurt. "I like to think it's real."

"Not you and me Blaine, just, just today."

Blaine opened his mouth to say something, but Kurt interrupted him.

"Never mind, I don't know what I'm thinking."

Blaine tried to produce a smile out of his grimace, but he failed. Still, Kurt heard the earnestness and honesty in his next words.

"I love you, you know."

Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. That horrible feeling of all of his tears rushing to cloud his vision at once was returning. And he hated that feeling.

"I'm going to go Kurt. I'll see you after school" Blaine said, and Kurt felt him brush past his shoulder.

Kurt opened his eyes and stood up abruptly, turning to go after Blaine. He grabbed his elbow as he said quickly, "Wait, Blaine, I-"

Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand as he turned to face him, and put his other hand up to Kurt's face, brushing his cheekbone with his thumb and smiling at him in an adoring way.

"You don't have to say it back. Not yet. Just tell me when you know it's the right time. If it becomes the right time okay? I don't want to rush you."

Blaine leaned in and gave Kurt a light peck on the cheek before turning around and exiting the Lima Bean.

A minute later the crash sounded loudly outside.

This time, Kurt didn't bother to look along with all of the other patrons and he didn't rush outside.

This was happening, and this was real.

It was time to accept that.

PAIN AND GUILT

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

"I was thinking we should take a trip"

"What?"

"Like a road trip. This summer you know? We could go somewhere far away. It'd be cool you know? Tour the country and all that jazz."

"I'm not sure that's the proper context Blaine."

"Regardless. We'd have fun, just you and me you know?"

"Just you and me…"

"Yeah. We'd have all the time in the world and we could spend it however we wanted."

"However we wanted?"

"Your mind is filthy Kurt."

"Don't pretend like you don't like it."

"I should have never given your father the idea for those pamphlets."

"You tease! I knew it was you."

"Of course."

"Of course."

"So, what do you say? A road trip? Just me and you? Sunsets, highways, greasy burger joints, a spare hitchhiker or two?"

"All the time in the world huh?"

"All the time in the world. I just want to be with you Kurt."

Kurt paused and looked at Blaine. He was smiling sloppily over the top of his cup, his apparent excitement about this road trip he'd clearly thought through was perfectly evident. And as much as Kurt had been trying to ignore it these past few days, mostly because it just made losing him harder, Kurt thought Blaine was beautiful. His dark brown curly hair stopping just above those awesome triangular eyebrows and his grin that put shame to the sunshine on the brightest of days.

Kurt would never get tired of Blaine smiling. No matter how many times he had to watch him die, that smile, it took the pain away. Even if it was only for just a moment.

Even if Blaine did eventually die for real at the end of all this, Kurt wouldn't forget that smile. It'd be impossible. Unbearable to imagine.

Tears were at the surface of Kurt's vision once again, and he tried to smile to push them back.

"I just want to be with you too"

Blaine's smile evaporated rapidly once he heard the tears hiding in Kurt's tone.

"Hey, hey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I take back whatever it was"

Kurt's face started to scrunch, the wrinkles appearing on his chin as his eyes began to water more fervently, his vision becoming severely blurred.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Blaine. You're perfect."

Blaine nodded as Kurt spoke, reaching out and stroking Kurt's hand slowly with a tender smile.

"I love you Kurt. I love you so much."

Kurt wiped a tear on his cheek away with his free hand as he laughed bitterly, not at Blaine, but at the situation.

"Yeah, I know. I love you too."

"Okay, okay. So that's not what you're crying about? You- You love me too…"

"Yeah. I love you" Kurt said with a sad smile, no longer able to look at Blaine.

This was all his fault. He couldn't save him. He'd tried. He'd stopped Blaine from getting in the accident only to have him killed by something else. And no matter how many times he was placed right back here in this Lima Bean it never stopped hurting when he heard that crashing noise outside. It never stopped making him want to die when he was left waiting in the hospital, patient bed or emergency room.

It never stopped making Kurt hate himself for not being able to stop it. For not being able to save Blaine.

Kurt didn't realize he was crying until he felt Blaine's chair move next to his.

"Kurt? What's wrong? I love you… So much. You can tell me anything."

Kurt turned his head to face Blaine and he smiled while also wiping away some of the tears he hadn't managed to stop.

"I'm so sorry Blaine. I'm really sorry I couldn't save you- That I can't save you. I'm really really sorry."

Blaine looked at Kurt with growing concern, tilting his head slightly to the side and frowning. "I don't understand-"

"I don't expect you to" Kurt said cutting him off. "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I wish that I could save you. I really do. I want to have all of the time in the world with you. I want that road trip."

"Then we'll take it! I was serious about that. I want to spend all that time in the world with you. I want to be with you."

Kurt looked back down at his lap and gave a sad laugh as the tears continued to come sparingly.

"Yeah, I know. I can't wait."

Blaine squeezed his shoulder slightly before the sound of "T.G.I.F." came out of his pocket.

Blaine pulled his phone out and answered it, giving short answers and cutting off the person on the other end of the line.

"I've gotta go Kurt" Blaine said slowly. "Can I see you after school?"

Kurt didn't say anything.

Blaine stood up, leaning down to give Kurt a quick kiss on the head, and moving towards the shop door.

"I don't suppose I can convince you to stay can I?" Kurt said quietly.

Blaine turned around and gave Kurt a sympathetic smile.

"I would if I could Kurt. I'll see you later okay?"

Kurt didn't even bother nodding.

About 10 minutes later, Kurt got a call.

Carole was sobbing.

Burt had to say it.

Blaine was gone.

Kurt closed his phone and placed it on the coffee table next to Blaine's medium drip, still warm.

And he didn't stop crying even as he fell asleep that night in his own bed for the first time on these Mondays.

ANGER AND BARGAINING

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.

Maybe if he could just figure out what they wanted. Whoever they are. Whoever the hell they are. What could they want with him anyway?

Why couldn't he just know?

He'd give it up, whatever they wanted.

They could even have him. They could take him. They could have all of him. He wasn't much without Blaine anyway. He didn't want to beanything without Blaine.

He wasn't anything without Blaine.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair.

He was forced to relive every day without Blaine. Every damn day. And even Blaine couldn't console him. Because he didn't understand. He didn't know. He couldn't hold Kurt and whisper sweet comforts in his ear about how everything was going to be okay.

He wouldn't ask for all of the time in the world. He wouldn't beg Kurt for more time. He wouldn't beg for sunsets and long drives and lying out on the beach.

And Kurt wanted all of those things. He wanted time with Blaine.

More time.

But he didn't know how to get it.

I will give you anything… Just tell me what you want.

"What the hell do you want?" Kurt shouted, before clasping his hand over his mouth, realizing that he had said his last thoughts out loud.

Blaine looked over from the counter where he was buying their coffee with a confused look, before quickly paying the clerk and making his way back to their table.

"Did you just yell at the air?" Blaine asked with a bemused expression.

"Yeah, maybe I did" Kurt spat out, not really understanding why he was taking his frustration out on Blaine.

Blaine frowned at Kurt and sat back down in his seat in surprise.

"There's no need to be so cross… Last time I checked I didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah well, there's no need to judge every little thing I do."

Blaine opened his mouth, aghast. Kurt was acting very strange. "What? Are you insane? Did I imagine that you just shouted at the empty chair across from you? Don't get mad at me for being concerned Kurt. I won't apologize for it."

"Yeah, well, you- You sounded like you thought I was crazy. Actually, you just asked if I was insane. You did! You asked if I was crazy. I'm not crazy Blaine, I'm not!"

Kurt realized what he was saying as it was coming out of his mouth. He wasn't angry at Blaine, not really. He hated himself for doing it, but he had to take his anger out on something. On someone. He wasn't given many options. He was always put here. With Blaine. In the coffee shop. No one else would give him a chance. And he was so angry. So damn angry.

Why was he so helpless?

"It's an expression, Kurt. I didn't actually think you were insane. You're just- You're lashing out! You're getting angry for no reason! You're actually yelling at me in the middle of us sitting here getting coffee! I didn't do anything wrong Kurt… Why are you so angry?"

Kurt swallowed and bit his lip hesitantly.

"I just- Don't call me crazy. I'm not crazy."

Blaine was still staring hard at Kurt, tentative to respond immediately.

"I didn't call you crazy. It's an expression."

"Yeah, well, it sounded like an accusation"

"It wasn't Kurt. You just started yelling at me and I wanted to know why."

"Maybe I don't have a reason. Can I not just get pissed off sometimes? Can't I get angry?"

"You know what Kurt? Sure. Get angry. Get angry all you want. But not at me Kurt, not at me. I don't deserve it and I don't appreciate it."

Kurt didn't say anything. He felt terrible.

"Get it together Kurt. I'll see you later" Blaine said abruptly as he left before their coffee even came.

"Blaine…"

"Not now Kurt. I need- I just need to go before I say something I'm gonna regret. Even though you already beat me to it."

And with that Blaine stormed out of the shop. He was right. Kurt already regretted half of the things he was saying.

The clerk at the counter called out, "Kurt and Blaine!"

Kurt looked at the ground, ashamed.

If only it were so simple as shouting out Kurt and Blaine. If only staying together were that easy.

Kurt found himself surveying the empty chair across from him once again.

"What the fuck do you want from me?"

Outside, a crash sounded. Kurt looked up, surprised, before he cursed himself.

Come on Kurt, you know why you're here.

He was ashamed that he'd almost managed to forget.

It'd felt nice though.

Even if it meant fighting with Blaine.

It panged him to realize that Blaine hadn't said "I love you" this time.

DEPRESSION, RELFECTION, AND LONELINESS

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

What was he supposed to do?

What was there to do?

He really couldn't do anything.

He couldn't treat Blaine like how he deserved to be treated.

He couldn't even save him.

He'd tried.

He'd yelled.

He'd cried.

He'd even wished he could die.

With Blaine.

All Kurt really wanted to do was be with Blaine. He just wanted to sit in that coffee shop, maybe forever.

Forever sounded really nice.

But Kurt wasn't being granted forever. Kurt got fifteen minute periods in the Lima Bean where he and Blaine were granted simple banter and sweet musings about the future.

Blaine kept saying "I love you".

And Kurt kept saying it back. Because Kurt loved Blaine, he really did.

But that's where it ended.

Kurt got a few minutes and then Blaine was gone. He kept on dying.

Kurt was left to be all alone. Alone forever.

"Thanks for meeting me before you had to go to school! I didn't want to wait until you got out."

Kurt couldn't bring himself to look at Blaine.

Sure, he was here now.

But in less than an hour, he'd be gone.

Then Kurt would get several hours of people saying things would be alright, promising they'd be there for him, and all Kurt could do was pray that he'd get a chance to fall asleep.

But mostly he prayed that when he did fall asleep, Blaine would be there when he'd wake up.

Because as much as he hated living like this, getting small amounts of time before having to spend the rest of the day in hospitals and telling people he'd be okay, the thought of really really never seeing Blaine again was unimaginable.

Grief he may have, but he was mourning a normal life.

Blaine was still here.

Even if it was only for now.

"You're looking oddly morose Kurt."

"Am I?" Kurt said absentmindedly, taking a sip of the coffee he'd bought before Blaine got there.

"Come on Kurt, you won't even look at me."

"We're all just alone in this world aren't we?"

Blaine shook his head, evidently shocked by Kurt's random question.

"I'd like to think that that isn't true, actually."

"Really? Well then good for you."

Kurt took a moment to collect his thoughts. He didn't want a repeat of yesterday. He was done being angry. Now? He was just trying to be happy for Blaine. After all, this Blaine didn't know what was happening.

This Blaine deserved to be treated with kindness.

"Do you think you're alone in this world Kurt? Am I really not enough for you?"

Kurt looked up and smiled at Blaine lightly.

"You're enough Blaine. I just- I don't know. I wish we had more time."

Blaine frowned at Kurt before he returned Kurt's light smile.

"We could have all the time in the world you know."

It was breaking Kurt's heart.

Blaine's optimism was almost contagious.

Almost.

"I wish that were true."

"I love you Kurt. I want to spend all the time in the world with you. You're not alone. You are not alone. I want to be with you for as long as you'll let me. I want all the time we can have. Please don't think you're alone. I wouldn't want that for you. I love you. You aren't alone. Not when you're with me"

Kurt looked up at Blaine.

"I love you too."

Blaine smiled at Kurt and nodded with a certain sort of victory.

And Kurt laughed, surprising even himself at his change in mood.

"You look ridiculous when you're proud of yourself."

Blaine mock-frowned at Kurt. "That's not very nice" he said jokingly.

Kurt smiled, realizing that he missed flirting with Blaine.

A crash sounded outside.

Blaine's attention shifted to the window and then back to Kurt. "What do you think that was?"

Kurt sighed, knowing what was coming next.

"Why don't you go see?"

Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand. "Come with me."

And Kurt did.

Kurt had forgotten what it felt like to be hit by an exploding engine.

It didn't feel good.

But Kurt learned a lesson this time around.

When he died too, he was sent back to the Lima Bean much faster.

THE UPWARD TURN

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

"What do you honestly think of Dalton?"

Kurt arched an eyebrow on his forehead and smirked slightly at Blaine.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just kind of lonely over there. I mean, being the lead for the Warblers is great, but, I don't know. Is it bad to want to share the spotlight?"

Kurt shook his head. "Nah. Sometimes it can be a bit much. Although, I must say that I don't really have a lot of experience here. It's mostly Rachel giving me her solos rather than the other way around."

Blaine nodded, and took a sip of his coffee.

"What's New Directions like?"

"It's fine. A lot of diversity in comparison to the top 40 obsession your team seems to have."

Blaine actually laughed at that one. "My team huh? Not too long ago they were your team too."

"Yeah well, not so much anymore."

"Well, maybe the same will go for me too."

Kurt lowered his coffee. This conversation was new.

All of their conversations were generally the same. The actual matter had changed, there was an "I love you" somewhere, and then it was over.

But Blaine was bringing up something Kurt hadn't heard before.

This was new.

"How do you mean?"

Blaine too put down his coffee and looked at Kurt seriously.

"What if I transferred? To McKinley?"

"What?"

Blaine suddenly became flustered. "I mean- It was just a suggestion, I don't have to you know…"

"No, Blaine, I think it's a great idea! I mean, I would love to have you there!"

Blaine burst into a giant grin.

"Really?"

Kurt broke into an equally as wide grin. "Really really."

"Don't quote Shrek at me Hummel, you might make me blush."

"I'd love it if you came to McKinley Blaine, because frankly, I love-"

Kurt smiled. The last time he beat Blaine to it, Blaine had been less than happy about it.

Blaine arched an eyebrow at Kurt.

"You love what Kurt?"

Kurt just continued smiling. "I love hanging out with you Blaine."

Blaine grinned knowingly at Kurt. "Well, Kurt Hummel. I love you."

Kurt paused only momentarily before adding, "I love you too."

Blaine leaned closer to Kurt and Kurt leaned closer to Blaine. Blaine just smiled and said, "I knew it."

Rachel and Finn walked through the door of the shop.

They talked to Kurt and Blaine.

They had to leave.

So did Blaine.

A crash sounded outside.

And despite the panic, the rushing medics, the hospital, for the first time, Kurt was feeling a bit calmer.

RECONSTRUCTION AND WORKING THROUGH

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

"Can I ask you an honest question?"

Blaine nodded without looking at Kurt.

"When do you think we'll break up? I mean, how long do you think we'll last?"

Blaine looked at Kurt with incredulity.

"How long we'll last? Kurt, why are you talking like this?"

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to work all this out. I don't know what to think about this."

Kurt was actually talking about his own personal situation. His living day to day with Blaine dying. Blaine dying over and over again. He needed to rethink things.

He needed to start making a plan. Finding the purpose to all of this. Find out what was next.

"Why are you talking like this Kurt?"

"Honestly Blaine. Where does your future take you?"

Blaine was frowning at Kurt. "Kurt, what- what are you doing? Do you want to break up with me?"

Kurt shook his head sadly. "No Blaine, I don't. Just answer me honestly. Where are you in 5 years?"

"I don't know what you want from me Kurt. We've been dating for 4 months, how am I supposed to know what we're doing in 5 years?"

Kurt smiled slightly. Blaine had said 'we'.

"I didn't ask about us Blaine, I asked about you."

Blaine smiled for the first time since the conversation started. "I guess I was hoping that there was a future for us."

"Now that's an honest answer. A future would be nice."

"Do you see a future? Between us?" Blaine asked tentatively.

Kurt didn't like to think about it. He needed a plan. To get out of this. This never ending loop. He couldn't talk about a future when Blaine wouldn't be around to remember their conversation.

"I'd like to."

Blaine smiled at him. "That's my answer. I don't know how long we'll last. I hope it'll be a long time, but I don't know. All I see is a future. I don't know how far that future stretches, but we'll see right?"

"Beautifully spoken."

"To the future" Blaine toasted with his coffee cup.

Kurt didn't want to live without Blaine. In fact, he was learning how to live only with Blaine. Even though he was dying, he was spending days on end with Blaine. Sure, mourning his death was a downside, but Blaine was there.

And he wanted to be there.

For as long as possible.

Blaine didn't want to go anywhere.

And it pained Kurt to know that it wasn't really Blaine's choice.

Blaine was going to die, again.

Kurt would be left to wonder why.

But at least in the middle he'd get to have coffee with his boyfriend.

"Future will have to wait Kurt, I've gotta run."

Kurt looked up, and for the first time, smiled and kissed Blaine goodbye as he left the coffee shop.

He only flinched slightly as the crash sounded outside.

It was time to find a realistic situation.

ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Kurt was still musing over his thoughts of the future when Blaine sat down across from him. The future.

The future was still looking far away. Kurt didn't see any sign of this ending.

He hadn't been given any sign at all.

He still didn't know what was supposed to come from this.

He still didn't know what was supposed to happen.

He didn't know what was going to happen when this was over.

If it was ever over.

Would it ever be over?

Kurt had finally begun to accept the routine of this situation, no matter how horribly morose and sick it sounded.

Blaine was continually dying and he couldn't stop it.

Sometimes Kurt would die too. Sometimes he'd get injured. But sometimes he'd just give him a kiss and send him on his way.

Sometimes he felt guilty about it. But it just was. That's how things went.

Kurt was accepting it.

He loved Blaine, but Blaine was dying.

Over and over again.

"Hey Kurt?"

"Yeah Blaine?"

"This may sound out of the blue, but I love you."

Kurt pretended to be surprised momentarily.

"I love you too."

Blaine smiled at him. "Glad to hear it."

Truth be told, so was Kurt.

No matter how many times he did.