“Kurt, there is a wedding emergency!”

Kurt’s already out of the door. “Mae, what is wrong?”

“Our florist unexpectedly went bankrupt. Wes found a new one, but due to the short notice, they don’t have our arrangement ready in time, so we need a new one,” Mae says and she sounds very panicked through the phone.

“Meet me at the Pret on the way from my house to yours. Bring photos!”

And so, ten minutes later, he and Mae are sipping coffee and eating cookies at the Pret A Manger. Mae shows him all kinds of arrangements. It obviously has to fit their colour scheme. Mae browses through them on her phone, but she quickly skips one.

“Wait, go back!”

Mae seems to hesitate for a second, but then she swipes back. It’s a simple, but beautiful arrangement.

“This is the one, Mae!” Kurt says excitedly, but Mae shakes her head. Before she can explain, Kurt’s continues: “Oh, come on! I know you loves roses, so the flower choice is great. The simplicity of the bouquet fits your somewhat minimalistic aesthetic and the colours can easily match with your colour scheme. It is fate.”

“I can’t do that, Kurt.”

Kurt scoffs and he rolls his eyes. “Why’s that?”

“Because you and Blaine chose red and yellow roses for your wedding.”

Oh.

The atmosphere has turned awkward, and Mae makes it even more awkward by asking: “How is it going? You’ve been working extremely hard on my wedding, but how is your wedding doing?”

Yes, his wedding. The wedding that has been looming over him for literal months. It’s not that Kurt and Blaine haven’t talked about it anymore, but there is just a lot of confusion. The wedding is end may and it’s mid-march. Kurt isn’t stupid. He knows that time is running out.

Blaine had told him not to worry about money. If they cancel last minute, they will lose their deposits, but that is fine.

Kurt still worries. He still isn’t used to having money. He can actually buy designer clothes without thrifting. It feels wrong to throw it all away.

So, is he aware that he’s putting extra pressure on himself? Absolutely. Is he still somewhat in denial? Totally.

“Kurt?” Mae frowns.

“Can we just… can we talk about your flowers?”

Mae once again looks conflicted. Kurt kind of hates himself for putting the people close to him through the waiting game as well. Then, Mae nods and she swipes to the next photo.

Kurt barely gives Kitty time to sit down when he blurts out: “How did you know that you wanted to marry Roderick?”

Kitty doesn’t answer outright. Instead, she takes her time sitting down and going through the lunch menu. The small wait drives Kurt insane.

“I’ll go for a classic Caesar salad and a glass of red wine,” Kitty says nonchalantly. Kurt’s about to rip the menu out of her grip, but then Kitty says: “And I don’t know when I was certain. I just knew that it clicked. We’d been together for years and we’d talked about marriage plenty, so it was just there, you know?”

She’s still looking at the menu, even though she’s decided. She doesn’t see the annoyed look on Kurt’s face.

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t explain it otherwise, Kurt. One day, I just knew. It wasn’t a grand gesture like Blaine’s proposal. I just went to the nearest jewellery store, bought a banging ring and went down on one knee the moment I got home from the store. Poor Roderick had just gotten out of the shower and he almost dropped his towel in shock. Not that I would’ve minded.”

She smirks and Kurt can’t help but smile as well.

“He said yes on the spot and we had great sex afterwards. Nothing special, but it still felt special to us,” Kitty closes the menu and finally, she looks at Kurt, “That is what it’s about. There has to be something special. There has to be this realisation of pure admiration and wanting. I wanted to marry him. He wanted to marry me. We were ready.”

Kurt looks at the beautiful ring on Kitty’s finger. “Two years later and still going strong.”

“Oh, I plan on it. So many divorce in my family… it is tiring,” Kitty rolls her eyes, “I’m here to break the divorce streak.”

“Blaine and I are the only ones of our friend group still unmarried.”

“Correction, Sebastian and Adam are unmarried.”

“… Oh, yeah. Why is that?”

Kitty shrugs. “Ask them.”

The waitress comes over to ask for their orders. They don’t have to wait long for their wines and they continue their conversation while they wait for their food to arrive.

“Blaine’s showed me a video of his proposal. It was beautiful,” Kurt sighs. He wishes he could remember it. The small video did spark some memories, but as always, they’re not very concrete or useful in the grand scheme of things. What does Kurt have to do with the knowledge that the place smelled like lavender?

“I sobbed like a maniac,” Kitty says.

“Yeah, I saw it on the video. The tear streaked mascara look suits your evil bitch vibe.”

Kitty puts up her middle finger and the elderly couple at the table next to them looks appalled, but Kitty doesn’t give a fuck. That hasn’t changed at all. Kurt and Kitty have gotten closer since New Year’s and she really has changed, but her attitude will never completely leave her.

“What would’ve been your perfect proposal?” Kurt asks Kitty.

“The one I had.”

Kurt gives Kitty a look and she rolls her eyes.

“Alright. I give in. I would’ve loved to do it during a road trip or something,” Kitty admits, “We fell in love during a road trip after graduation, so it would’ve suited perfectly. But then again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Oh, the road trip with the other New Directions people, right? It’s a cool idea to go to Disney for graduation,” Kurt says absently.

Kitty chokes on her wine. She coughs a couple of times and the annoying elderly couple are annoyed, so Kurt shoots them a nasty look and waits for her to be okay.

Kitty is a bit red and then says: “I haven’t really told you that story yet.”

“Oh.”

“But yes, Roderick and I went to Disney together with the twins, Jane, Spencer and Alistair. Myra was too young to come with. Roderick and I had graduated, so we saw it as one last hurrah before going off into the world and we didn’t expect to fall in love, but we did. Or at least, we realised we liked each other back. I liked him way before that.”

“Sounds like one hell of a road trip,” Kurt says quickly. He doesn’t want to dwell on the memory that he should have.

Kitty gets a blissful look on her face. “That is the first time everything fell into place, Kurt. The proposal was the second and our wedding day was the third. Trust me, Kurt. When the time is ready, you know.”

There is a wedding that Kurt does remember: his dad’s. He yells at Lizzie to start a video call and a few seconds later, his father appears on the screen.

“Hey Kurt!”

“Hey dad,” Kurt says and just seeing his dad makes him happy. He’s gotten used to his dad looking older, and he’s glad that the previous feelings of dread and annoyance are mostly gone.

They chat for a while about small things, like Kurt’s show and his dad’s new TV habits. Kurt also tells him about the new calls from the hospital. They want to perform some tests.

“Wait, are they going to treat you for something? You’re not ill.”

“I’ll have an appointment this weekend in order to get more information. I will let you know.” Kurt doesn’t want to dwell on it too much, since there is too much uncertainty and he doesn’t want his dad to get stressed over it. Besides, he has a more pressing matter.

Eventually, Kurt asks him about marrying Carole.

“I just knew, Kurt. It’s as if everything fell into place.”

It sounds similar to Kitty’s answer. Kurt should’ve seen it coming. He must have a thoughtful look on his face, because his dad asks: “Is this about your own wedding?”

Kurt nods solemnly.

His dad frowns. “This is really wearing you down, isn’t it?”

“It’s so close, dad,” Kurt says. He picks up the phone to sit down in the living room. “I mean, I am thirty-four, which is a great age to get married, but you know what has happened. I’m trying to- I feel like I need to integrate into this life, since it’s not going away anytime soon, and marrying feels like part of it.”

“Kurt, you don’t have to get married. I know that Blaine isn’t pressuring you. Yes or no, Kurt: Do you want to get married.”

“… yes.”

“But?”

“Not now.”

“Then tell him to call of the wedding!” his dad says loudly, as if it’s obvious. And okay, maybe it is obvious, but Kurt’s just anxious. What if he says no and Blaine breaks up with him for good? What if Kurt loses everything that he’s built in these past few wacky months?

No, Blaine wouldn’t leave him. He’s said so himself a while ago.

I don’t mind my life not going as planned, as long as I’m with you, I’m fine.

His father is staring at him. He’s giving Kurt time to think.

Blaine would do anything for Kurt. Kurt is stopping him from living his life and sure, Blaine might be okay with that, but Kurt isn’t. Blaine is thirty-three. He wants to get married. He wants kids. He wants a house with a garden outside of the busy city centre. He probably wants to adopt a couple of dogs.

And he’s not getting any of that.

… Should Kurt break it off and leave to let Blaine go? Have him find another man to give him the things he wants? He’s a catch, so he’d find someone soon. But Kurt shakes his head. Fully breaking it off might hurt Blaine even more than just cancelling the wedding. But what should he do?

“Dad…”

“Yes, Kurt?”

“Blaine would do anything to keep me happy, right?”

“Of course.”

“… Then, shouldn’t I do the same?”

His dad frowns.

“Should I marry him to keep him happy?” Kurt asks. Would it really be that bad to marry Blaine earlier than planned? If it keeps the smile on Blaine’s face, it’ll be worth it. Blaine’s been struggling a lot since New Year’s.

But his dad immediately blurts out: “Oh hell to the no!”

“Mercedes’s influence is everywhere,” Kurt tries to divert attention with a joke, but his father isn’t having any of it.

“Kurt, no listen,” his dad sounds serious, “God, I feel like I’ve had this talk with Blaine before, but there’s a difference between giving up some things to make the other happy and making big life decisions against your will. I know you remember the sex talk, Kurt, and I know this is a different situation, but you matter!”

Oh, no case of amnesia could make Kurt forget the embarrassment of the sex talk.

“Marriage isn’t something small like not going to a particular movie or what not since your partner doesn’t like that particular movie. Heck, it’s even way worse than Blaine not telling you things in order to not overwhelm you. And besides, how do you think Blaine would feel when he finds out that you didn’t want to really marry him and only did it for him? That would mess him up even more!”

“Then what do I do?” Kurt yells out. But he already knows the answer.

“Call of the wedding!”

It’s silent for a while. His dad has gotten really worked up and he is doing those breathing exercises again. Kurt’s also taking a deep breath.

He knows it’s the right thing to do, but the anxiety can’t seem to calm down. He’s fidgeting with his clothes and he listens to his dad’s breathing.

He doesn’t want to think of the “what ifs”. His dad is right.

How is he going to tell Blaine?

Kurt is at his mother’s dresser. Swipe left. Swipe right. Swipe left. It is a standard routine. Kurt has perfected it after months of it. He always cleans the same spot.

So when the paint starts to come off, Kurt should’ve seen it coming. The sight of the brown paint coming loose, makes Kurt back away instantly.

No. No. This can’t be real.

This is his mother’s dresser. This is one of the only things he’s left of her. He’s tried to keep it in the same state ever since she died. He looks down at the part of the sleeve he used to swipe the dresser. He’s-

Well, he’s ruined it.

Kurt sinks to the floor as he watches the small spot of loose paint. There’s only one thing Kurt can think of.

“Blaine!” he yells out, “Blaine! Blaine! Blaine!”

After a couple of more shouts, Kurt hears some movement. Blaine appears in the door frame.

“Kurt?” he looks confused when he sees Kurt on the ground, “Did you- what is going on?”

Kurt points towards the dresser and Blaine moves closer to inspect the damage. He frowns when he sees the loose paint. “How did that happen?”

Then he sits next to Kurt and he pulls him closer. Kurt doesn’t need to say it out loud. After the many years they’ve been together, Blaine obviously knows what the dresser stands for and how much it means to Kurt.

Kurt doesn’t want to cry. It’s just a dresser. He can get the paint fixed.

He knows he’s only fooling himself.

“I was just cleaning the dresser. You know, just as always. And I- maybe I’ve cleaned it to vigorously but it just… it is breaking off.”

He can feel himself tearing up. A part of him still wants to yell at himself: don’t cry. It’s just a dresser. Don’t be stupid and be emotional over that. But another part of him knows that it’s good to let it out. A tear starts rolling down his cheek.

“I just wanted it to be perfect.”

Blaine wipes the tear away. Kurt leans on Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine lets him cry. They sit together for a few minutes.

There is no pretence. Kurt doesn’t have to act like it’s stupid to cry over paint. Blaine rubs comforting circles on his back.

“Love, look at me.”

Kurt does.

“Everything will be alright. Tomorrow, we can decide what to do with this.”

“Okay.”

Then, Blaine frowns in confusion. “Kurt, have you been cleaning this dresser every day? It isn’t really necessary.”

Kurt nods. “Yes, at certain moments a day. I feel kind of restless when I can’t do it.”

Next to Kurt, Blaine tenses up. “What do you mean?”

Kurt thinks Blaine’s reaction is a little bit weird. It’s just cleaning, but unfortunately, his passion for cleaning has led to the paint coming off. He might have overdone it a little bit. Kurt looks back to Blaine, so that he doesn’t have to look at the memory of his mother falling apart.

“I just like being in control of something. It’s good.”

Blaine looks panicked when he hears that. He turns away from Kurt and he puts his head in his hands.

Kurt touches Blaine’s shoulder. “Blaine, my sweet, what is wrong?”

But Blaine shakes his head several times.

“… Blaine?”

When Blaine looks up, Kurt can see that he’s started crying as well.

“Oh my God, I am so shit!” Blaine yells out and the sudden volume in his voice makes Kurt fall backwards.

Kurt and Blaine look at each other, and they both have tears in their eyes. Kurt can understand why he’s crying, but he has no idea why the dresser affects Blaine so much.

“It all makes sense. How could I not see it?” Blaine says, mostly to himself.

“Blaine, I am not following.”

“The colour coordinated wardrobe, the rearranging of the kitchen cabinets, you always being at your mother’s dresser around the same time… It is right in front of me,” Blaine mutters. Then, something dawns upon him. “Oh God, you’ve been straightening your clothes and tapping your nose too, right?”

Kurt tilts his head in confusion. Blaine is definitely right, but how would he know that and why does he act like it’s bad?

“And I didn’t notice cause I’ve been too caught up in my own bullshit,” Blaine says. His shoulders sag and he leans back against the bedframe. He looks very sad and also ashamed.

He holds out his hand. Kurt takes it.

“I will do better, Kurt.”

“Better for what?”

Blaine smiles weakly. “Your compulsions.”

Kurt wants to laugh, but then he looks at the paint coming loose. “Like, OCD?”

“We’re definitely not knowledgeable enough about that, so we can’t say for sure, but ever since your dad’s cancer treatment, you’ve been showing these things every now and then. When you’re stressed, you start doing all kinds of things like this. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t notice.”

Kurt’s still looking at the loose paint. He’s always cleaning the same spot, preferably around the same time. He always has the same routine: swipe left, swipe right, swipe left. Okay, maybe that might sound a bit precise, but nothing bad has happened. Well, apart from him singlehandedly ruining one of the only things left of his mother.

He feels another pit in his stomach. His actions have led to this. He might have to tell his dad to take it back home to Lima before Kurt fucks it up more, but at the same time, the thought of it being gone makes Kurt gloomy.

Still, it’s not bad to have a routine or anything. And okay, the thought of not being able to do it makes Kurt’s stomach turn uneasily, but that doesn’t mean anything.

“I should’ve known better,” Blaine says solemnly.

“You haven’t been doing well either, Blaine. I can’t blame you for focusing on yourself,” Kurt says calmly. He has no idea what all of this means, but if he’s going to freak out, then Blaine’s going to freak out, and then the two of them will just spend the entire night crying.

“I know that,” Blaine yells out, “But we also should be able to just talk to each other. Why don’t we ever just… talk?”

“We talk plenty,” Kurt points out. Many people have said him that he’s become more open in the past few months and Kurt has to agree with them. If this had happened months earlier, Kurt probably would’ve freaked out by the assumption that he has compulsive behaviour.

Now, he’s just numb about it. He files it away for later instead of immediately seeing it as an insult. He’s actually surprised himself by how calm he’s about all of it.

After all, it makes sense. He hates to admit the possibility of something being wrong with him, but then again, he also has a huge case of amnesia. He is already used to something being definitely wrong with him. After all, why would the hospital want to run new tests?

“I don’t blame you, Blaine,” Kurt says, “I don’t blame you for anything.”

“Oh.”

Blaine looks at him with wide eyes.

“You hear me? I don’t blame you at all. Did you blame yourself?”

“… I don’t know,” Blaine says, “I didn’t think so. But hearing you say that still feels like a huge relief, so maybe I did? I don’t know. I’m just too caught up in my own thoughts and my head is a mess.”

“I think we’re both a fucking mess,” Kurt says. Then he jokes lamely: “I’m crying over paint.”

Blaine snorts. It’s not funny, but the timing is just weird.

The two of them have tear streaked faces, but they still manage to laugh through it.

Blaine wipes away his tears. “God, this is my life now. Every other week, my fiancé and I are having a breakdown.”

Kurt laughs. “Yeah. We are professionals by now. We need to treat each other well.”

“How about we just tell each other everything from now on? No longer this weird ‘oh, he’s suffering already’ stuff?”

“Ah…” Kurt trails off. He does have a big thing to tell Blaine. The fact that Blaine called him his fiancé again doesn’t really help.

Blaine has noticed the tone of Kurt's voice, because he’s observant like that, so he has a welcoming look on his face. “Alright, out with it.”

It’s better to completely rip off the band-aid in one go, so Kurt blurts out: “I want to cancel the wedding!”

He waits for Blaine to burst into a fresh round of tears, or to panic, or to just get up and walk out. None of that happens. Blaine doesn’t even look away from Kurt.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt starts to ramble, “I still want to marry you. I’ve said that before, but I am not ready. Over the past few days, I’ve been agonising about this. Everyone tells me that it’s a feeling of understanding, as if everything makes sense, but I don’t have that. At least, not yet. I know I want to be with you and I know I want to marry you, but the idea of getting married already just makes me uneasy. I can’t do that.”

Kurt’s analysing Blaine’s face for a trace of sadness or anger or hurt, but there is none. In fact, Blaine starts to smile.

“Okay. Long engagement it is.”

Kurt blinks a couple of times. He smiles cautiously.

“You’re- you’re not mad?”

“Disappointed? Oh yeah, for sure,” Blaine says and Kurt’s face falls, but then Blaine continues, “But I can never be mad at you for it. And besides, I saw it coming.”

“You did?”

Blaine gives him a look. “Kurt, you’ve refused to talk about it for months. A while ago I realised that it’s not going to happen. Adam is already looking into possible cancellation fees, but I think we’re still on time. I think some of the people who we hired also got the gist. I mean, I’ve been keeping in touch with all of them, but we haven’t had a final cake tasting or anything.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” It surely would’ve made it all a lot easier.

Blaine once again looks ashamed. They really need to get over their guilt and shame towards each other. “I suppose a small, irrational part of me still had hope.”

“I still love you, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Blaine says happily.

Kurt gives Blaine a small kiss before saying: “Total honesty. I know we’ve tried it before, but we are going to keep on trying.”

“Total honesty,” Blaine says in agreement, “And we will figure out what to do with the dresser. I know you don’t want to get rid of it and I think that painting it again sort of tarnishes your mom’s memory, but we’ll find a solution.”

“We will.”

Blaine looks very happy with that answer. “Alright. We’ve been sitting on this floor for way too long now.”

He stretches and gets up.

“We’re getting old,” Kurt jokes and Blaine laughs and neither of them point out that this joke wouldn’t have worked a few months ago. Kurt might never really get over the amnesia, but they are at a point that they can joke about it.

“Maybe you should call Emma,” Blaine holds out his hand. Kurt takes it and Blaine helps him up.

“I don’t know who that is.”

“The guidance counsellor from your high school?” Blaine frowns in confusion, “You know, with the nice red hair and the doe eyed face. Rachel’s words, not mine.”

“Mrs. Pillsbury? We’re on first name basis?” Kurt asks and Blaine shrugs nonchalantly.

“Don’t ask me. I don’t keep track of what happened at that crazy school of yours. All I know is that you’ve talked about OCD with her before.”

And again, a part of Kurt wants to protest and insist that he doesn’t have to. But Kurt pushes that aside and says: “Yeah, maybe I should give her a call.”