Kurt hates that his first thought is: “But… Finn?”

He shouldn’t put that burden on Rachel and Jesse, not while they’re clearly happy. He’s had seven months to accept that Rachel has moved on and he has, he truly has and he is very happy for her.

At least, that’s what he thought.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he still holds on to the idea that Finn and Rachel should be together. Finn should be the one holding Rachel’s hand while sharing their big news. Finn and Rachel should be wearing matching wedding rings. Finn and Rachel should be here, in his apartment, having lunch with friends.

And he knows that Rachel hasn’t forgotten him. He knows that this isn’t Rachel’s weird way of getting petty revenge, even though that is usually her speciality. He knows all of that, but he can’t help but feel crushed.

Tears form in his eyes, but everyone arounds him assumes they’re tears of happiness. He puts his face in his hands when he feels the tears flowing and he hides between the many happy faces.

He’s being stupid.

This is all going too fast in his mind. All his friends are going forward in full speed, and Kurt cannot keep up.

Suddenly, someone grabs him by the shoulders. By now he knows it is Blaine. He looks up and he sees that Blaine looks very worried. Of course, he would notice. The others are still celebrating and congratulating and Wes has popped the cork of another bottle of wine. But Blaine notices that there is something wrong.

The two stare at each other for a very long time, until Kurt gives in and shakes his head. Blaine sits next to him and pulls him close, which leads to other people noticing. When Kurt starts sobbing, they realise that those are not happy tears.

Kurt has his face against Blaine’s chest, but the couch dips. Someone’s sitting next to him.

“Are you- Are you not happy for me?” Rachel asks, confused.

“I am happy, Rachel,” Kurt says, still not looking at her, “But if feels wrong.”

The room has gone silent and Rachel takes in a deep breath. “Wrong how? What could be wrong here, Kurt? I want this. I’ve wanted this for so long with him-”

“Stop! That is where it is wrong,” Kurt yells out and he looks at her and the realisation dawns upon Rachel. The others whisper and the atmosphere has changed.

“I am not replacing him, Kurt. He’s been dead for almost fifteen years and I-”

“Don’t. Rachel, no. Sorry. Not now.” Oh God. He’s completely ruining Rachel’s big day. Knowing her, she’s been looking forward to revealing the news and Kurt is ruining it because this stupid, irrational grief stands it all in the way.

Rachel is not shy of letting Kurt know that. She looks livid and Kurt looks away in shame. He’s ruined her big day.

“Finn is dead, Kurt. He’s dead. He’s deceased. He’s passed. He’s six feet underneath,” she says. She’s trying to sound fierce, but her voice waivers when she says: “I cried, I wrote a hesped, I wore white and I went through the phases of mourning, and it still doesn’t feel enough because a part of me will always be mourning. But I have moved on and Jesse-” Both Rachel and Kurt look at Jesse, who looks very uncomfortable with the sudden attention “-is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time and our marriage and this pregnancy are signs of our love. I know you don’t believe in soulmates. Hell, I don’t even think that I do, but if they were real, then people would be able to have multiple soulmates. Finn was my soulmate. Jesse is mine now and I am happy!”

The room is tense. Kurt can’t stand it.

He frees himself from Blaine’s embrace and he stumbles towards his room. “Sorry. So sorry, everyone. I am so sorry.”

Kurt’s sitting on the bed, looking at his mother’s dresser. He doesn’t talk. He doesn’t have anything useful to say. He’s ruined it with Rachel.

The door opens and Kurt want to tell Blaine to get out and that they’ll talk later, but to his surprise, Wes sits down next to him. They don’t talk. Together, they just stare at the dresser.

Kurt doesn’t like it, though. He’d like to be alone. He turns to face Wes and says: “Did you get the shortest straw, or why are you here?”

Wes chuckles. “Classic Kurt.”

Is it? Well, Kurt wouldn’t know. Kurt’s about to tell Wes to get lost, but Wes is the first to speak.

“I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It must be hard.”

Kurt’s stunned into silence. In the past seven months, no one has downright told Kurt that they’re sorry for his loss, since the loss isn’t fresh anymore. Then, Kurt notices the blank stare and the tears forming in Wes’s eyes.

“Have you, uhm, lost someone?”

Wes wipes his eyes and nods sadly. “Her name was Angela. She was my older sister, my 姐姐. She committed suicide years ago. She was only thirteen years old. So young, and yet so filled with self-hatred and sadness.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kurt says and he means it. He puts his hand on Wes’s shoulder, which surprises Wes, but the two of them continue to stare at the dresser. Does it comfort Wes in the same way as it comforts Kurt?

“Not that I mind, but why did you tell me?” Kurt asks after a while.

“Do you know how old I was when she died? I was only three.”

“Three?”

Wes sighs sadly and Kurt sees that he needs time to compose himself, so Kurt waits patiently for Wes to tell the story.

“My parents always wanted a second child. After years of trying, they just gave up. My mother had accepted that her biological clock had passed, but then, ten years after the birth of my sister, my mother got pregnant. To this day, my parents still call me their miracle baby. According to everyone I know, Angela absolutely adored me. She’d watch me sleep in my crib every night with a big smile on her face. I’d like to think that I adored her as much as she adored me, but I don’t know. I don’t remember her very well.”

“Oh, Wes-”

Wes holds up a hand, which silences Kurt. Wes isn’t finished yet, so instead, Kurt gives him a squeeze on the shoulder.

“If it weren’t for the many videos and photos of Angela, I wouldn’t have even known what she looked like. I don’t have any concrete memories of her, only feelings. They’re happy ones, so that’s why I’m certain that I loved her. I must’ve liked spending time with her. There are home videos of the two of us playing with toys and I always had a big smile on my face. I don’t know her, but I miss her every day of my life. She would’ve turned forty-five this year.”

Wes turns to Kurt, looking serious.

“I’m telling you this for a reason. I’m not even going to pretend that I am feeling the same thing you feel, because your position is extraordinary. I can’t even imagine how isolated you feel, since all the others have moved on with their lives. What I’m trying to say is that I do understand that grief can be a bitch. When I was a teen, I missed Angela so much, I had to see a therapist for it to help me process it. I felt like I couldn’t grief her. After all, I barely knew her, how could I miss her?

I’m thirty-five now, and I still don’t fully understand it, but all I know is that I do miss her and that my grief counts. It’s different from the people who actually remember her, which makes it difficult to share. I do feel isolated as well, but in a different way. I can’t relate to my parents or other family members, since I can’t join in on stories about her. When they bring up Angela, they talk about their concrete memories of her, but I don’t have them. All I know is that I loved her and that she liked pink.

I know things about Angela, but I can’t distinguish actual memories from stories I’ve heard. I also know that she loved to sing. Do I know that she loved singing because I remember so, or because I’ve been told so? It’s exhausting. I’m not going to push you to talk if that is not what you want. I know that it’s weird and exhausting and so isolating. Just know that if you do want to talk, I’m here. From one isolated grieving process to another.”

Kurt lets the words sink in. He doesn’t talk and Wes seems to really understand it. The two of them just sit in silence.

“You know what, Wes? I understand why Blaine thinks you should be a therapist. You’re easy to talk to.”

“True, but I want to become a judge one day so that I can bang my gavel in a professional manner.”

“That’s fair.”

He must’ve fallen asleep, because when Kurt sits up, the room is dark and Wes is gone. He looks around and he sees the invitation to Finn’s funeral standing on the windowsill. Blaine had put it there months ago.

Kurt feels the urge to burn it.

He can’t think about it, because the door opens again and Blaine has a sad smile on his face. Kurt immediately jumps of the bed.

“I have to talk to Rachel!” he says frantically. He has to tell her that he’s sorry for ruining her day and making her feel bad for loving someone else than Finn, but Blaine shakes his head.

“Rachel does not want to see you right now.”

“But I need to-”

“Kurt, Rachel does not want to see you right now.” Blaine sounds stern and cold.

Kurt is stunned into silence and he falls back on the bed. He’s really ruined it. “What happened afterward?”

Blaine sits next to him. “Well, Isabel was pretty upset. She’s very sensitive when it comes to emotional atmospheres, so Brittany and Santana said their goodbyes and we will see them tomorrow. They think Isabel might be autistic, but they’re still looking into it.”

“Oh. Everyone has autism nowadays?”

Blaine shifts next to him. He still sounds stern and cold when he says: “I was under the impression that that hurtful rhetoric was of the late 2010s, not the late 2020s, but I cannot be certain. I have the tendency to block out this kind of bullshit.”

Kurt bursts out into tears. He shouldn’t have said that. He’s making matters worse. It feels undeserving when Blaine scoots closer to comfort him. “I’m sorry!”

“I know you are,” Blaine sounds more soothing now. The sharp edge in his voice is gone, but he still adds: “Just don’t act out and hurt the people who have nothing to do with this. That is not who you are anymore.”

Anymore. Right, yes, fifteen and a half years have passed. And sure, he’s improved, but at times like these, he acts out. It is a shitty defence mechanism and Blaine sees right through.

“Brittany, Santana and Isabel left pretty quickly. Adam and Sebastian had other plans, since they were only invited for the end, so they left as well. Rachel was fuming, so Jesse took her home as well, but she will calm down eventually. She knows you mean no harm.”

“Doesn’t erase the fact that I caused her harm.”

“I know that. She knows that. That is why she doesn’t want to see you right now, but tomorrow we’re going to see a show together and things will be different.”

Oh God, Kurt hopes that is true. The show must go on, really.

“Wes was inside with you for a long time, so Mae, Kitty and Roderick helped with the cleaning and the dishes. They’re all gone now. It’s just us.”

“Good.” No more need for appearances.

“The hospital did call, but I told them you were unavailable.”

“Great,” Kurt says sarcastically. Add that to the pile of things that are reminding Kurt of the amnesia.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Kurt sniffs and admits that he’s not handling growing up as well as he’d thought. He’s okay with adjusting to the 2028 life, but as a nineteen year old. But he’s not nineteen and neither are his friends. “I’m turning thirty-five in three months, not twenty. Seeing Isabel, and then Rachel’s pregnancy, and also the grief… It is all too much, my sweet.”

Blaine rubs his back and he kisses his head.

“Oh God. I am thirty-four. Rachel’s pregnancy… I never saw it coming, because it didn’t hit me. Did you- You probably saw this coming from miles away.”

But Blaine shakes his head. “No, not at all.”

“Not even a hint?” Kurt asks. Rachel and Jesse have gotten married in 2019, the same year Kurt and Blaine started dating. It’s kind of surprising that they were childless for so long, since it’s apparent that Rachel longs for a family. She’s just like Brittany and Santana. They’re in their mid-thirties.

Blaine seems to internally debate something.

“What is it?”

“… I don’t want to push you even more, Kurt.”

What could possibly be the case here? Why is Blaine suddenly looking very apologetic? But Kurt can’t take any more secrets.

“Please, tell me.”

Blaine still looks torn, but he nods. “Rachel didn’t want to get pregnant right now because… well… uhm. The four of us had planned on Rachel becoming our surrogate around this time. We were planning on having children ourselves.”

Blaine was right. This is pushing Kurt over the edge. His mind goes numb.

The wedding. The planned move afterwards, which has been on hold. It all makes sense.

Kurt replays the words of Santana and Rachel: they were longing for settling down and staring a family. Kurt and Blaine must’ve felt it as well.

But then something Kurt confuses him.

“The four of us?”

Blaine smiles sadly. “Quinn is part of it too. She wanted to donate the eggs, but she was too afraid to carry the baby herself. Apparently, she had a daughter in high school and that birth had been very painful and traumatic. She thought it was fine until the possibility of giving birth again came up and she spent all day panicking.”

“Then why did she want to donate the eggs?”

“You two promised that to each other in high school. Don’t ask me, I wasn’t there. She never wants to give birth again, which is why Quinn and Puck adopted-” Oh great. They have children as well. “- but even though Quinn can do questionable things, she’s very loyal. Rachel told us that she wanted to carry our baby. She joked about it being a test run for her own child. Ah…” Blaine sounds a bit bitter.

“… Are you mad at Rachel for getting pregnant?”

Blaine immediately shakes his head. “We can’t expect the people around us to put their lives on hold for this.”

That does not make Kurt feel better. In fact, it makes it even worse. Oh God, he’s preventing Blaine from living his life as well! He’s putting his life on hold.

“I know what you’re thinking, love.” Of course. Blaine knows him very well. “I don’t mind my life not going as planned, as long as I’m with you, I’m fine.”

It is a lovely sentiment, but Kurt’s stomach still twists with guilt. He doesn’t say anything and instead, he leans closer to Blaine. Blaine probably knows that Kurt is not at ease yet, but he doesn’t say anything.

Tomorrow, he’ll talk to Rachel. Tomorrow, it’ll be fine.

Kurt’s decided to meet Rachel beforehand. He doesn’t want to bring the others into the awkwardness. He takes the train to her apartment and the doorman lets him in. He’s been here before.

Rachel knows he’s coming.

Kurt rides the elevator and he hasn’t felt this nervous in a very long time. He’s rehearsed what he wants to say several times in his head while rearranging the closet. Afterwards, he even rehearsed it with Blaine.

But Rachel is unpredictable. Kurt has no idea what will happen and how she will react. He’s extra slow when he makes his way to her door.

He takes a deep breath and he knocks loudly.

After a while, he hears footsteps approaching and Kurt’s about to die from nerves. The door slowly opens and Kurt forces himself to meet Rachel’s gaze. She looks sad when her eyes land on him. He’s about to open his mouth to recount the rehearsed speech, but to his utter confusion… Rachel hugs him tightly.

Kurt’s too stunned and confused to hug her back. Isn’t she furious with him?

“I forgive you, Kurt,” she whispers and Kurt can feel himself tear up again.

“I am so sorry.”

“I know, and I accept your apology.”

A huge burden has been lifted. Kurt sniffs and he finally hugs Rachel back. “I hurt you.”

“Oh, I know. You did and I was really, really angry at you. But I’ve thought it over and I am sad that it has happened and that I will always think of our fight when I think back on the reveal, but this entire situation is just fucked up and I know that this is a lot for you.”

Kurt laughs a little bit. People always laugh during awkward moments. He is happy that Rachel is so forgiving, but it is true that he’s forever tainted her memory of this day. “When did you get so smart?”

“Oh Kurt, fifteen years and I am still learning,” Rachel laughs and sure, the reminder stings, but Kurt laughs as well. Rachel has matured a lot. “Besides, Jesse keeps me grounded.”

“I’m happy that you’ve found each other,” Kurt says truthfully.

“Thank you, Kurt.”

Brittany and Santana’s time in New York comes to an end. Everyone’s waving them goodbye. Despite the disastrous pregnancy reveal, the reunion ended on a happy note. It’s a good thing that Kurt and Rachel talked before seeing a Broadway show.

This was the not family friendly show called Wrapped, so Brittany and Santana left Isabel with a New York-based friend and they all loved the show. This time, Santana was free to make not family friendly jokes.

“No, but really? Why are all the new 2028 musicals named after condoms? The Rubber and Wrapped? Wanky!”

Santana might be thirty-four, but some things never change.

And now, they’re leaving. Brittany is whispering something to Blaine and Santana is saying goodbye to Kitty and Roderick. After a handful of goodbyes, Isabel walks up to Kurt with a sheet of paper. Blaine has explained that Isabel draws something every year to express how she feels. She draws her expectations of the trip beforehand and then on the day they leave, she shows the drawing.

She’s only four and she started doing this at age two, but Blaine has shown the drawings to Kurt. They were hidden away in the office.

Isabel holds out the drawing and Kurt smiles widely when she sees that it is a happy drawing. She is clearly too young to understand what has changed, but she felt it beforehand. It’s good to see that she still expected fun.

“Did you have fun?” Brittany asks her.

“Yes!” she yells loudly.

“Alright, Isabel, we’re going now. Mama is putting you into the car seat,” Santana says. She’s already at the car. Isabel starts to resist Brittany, but Brittany just scoops her up and they say their goodbyes. Isabel is still a bit of a menace.

They drive off and the others wave until they’re out of sight.