Blaine never thought he’d be in this position, but here he is. He’s happily dating his boyfriend (fiancé?), but his boyfriend just happens to have forgotten everything.

Blaine wakes up, he kisses his boyfriend, he writes some songs, he hangs out with friends, and he goes to sleep. It’s still all so normal, but Blaine feels like he’s faking it all.

He really likes being with Kurt. He’s always liked being with Kurt, and the amnesia doesn’t change it, but it still feels like Blaine’s put up some façade. It’s been a month and Blaine is still waiting for the moment the memories come back. Until then, Blaine feels like he is playing some kind of act.

There are certain moments that make Blaine think oh, there he is, but then Kurt says something that is slightly odd, or Kurt acts in a way that is slightly different, and a new wave of disappointment hits Blaine.

Blaine doesn’t know this Kurt. This Kurt is more shallow and more sheltered and slightly judgemental. Blaine has heard of this Kurt several times, but mostly as a faint memory. Everyone’s changed since they left high school, but this Kurt is still at the very beginning. Blaine truly does not want to think of ‘his’ Kurt and ‘this’ Kurt as two different people, but sometimes his mind wanders.

Sometimes, dating Kurt can also be a bit suffocating. Kurt’s very hands-on and affectionate. He’s not settled into the relationship like Blaine. Kurt is still in the honeymoon stage of an early relationship.

Now, Blaine doesn’t complain. After all, he’s always been the more affectionate one in the relationship, and dating Kurt has been so comfortable for years. It just took some time for Blaine to re-re-adjust.

Despite that, it’s gotten better. Blaine no longer cries in the shower, only in the office, and it is nice to be able to flirt and kiss and hold Kurt again. Blaine still doesn’t really want to open up. The last big bomb was the wedding news, and Blaine figured that was enough for a while.

Besides, he’s still terrified. Kurt’s slowly easing back into this life. He regularly talks to Kitty, and apparently he and Mae must’ve hit it off at dinner, since Kurt and Mae went shopping.

(“It’s a surprise,” Kurt had said, as if the smitten look on Mae’s face hadn’t already revealed the secret. Blaine had to stop himself from telling her that Wes has bought his ring weeks ago.)

Blaine knows that under all that bravado, Kurt’s still incredibly scared, and the last he needs is Blaine freaking out as well.

“How is my third favourite son? I see you’re up early for once.”

Blaine rolls his eyes, which makes Burt laugh. There’s no shame in sleeping in when possible, and since Blaine’s his own boss, it is possible. His free time makes it possible for Blaine and Burt to video call.

Before the amnesia kicked in, Kurt would join them if possible, but lately Kurt hasn’t been feeling up to it. It is one of the many small changes that Blaine has to get used to.

“I got up early, because Kurt accidentally asked Lizzie to turn the music on. He didn’t realise Lizzie is also connected to the speakers in the living room.”

“Has he already figured out how to control the TV with Lizzie?” Burt laughs and Blaine shakes his head.

“Kurt is still figuring out how to use our TV with the normal remote. He discovers new features every day, but then again, smart TVs weren’t really a thing in 2012.”

“Oh man, it is surreal that I can teach Kurt how his AI is connected to his TV,” Burt says, “Remember when he taught me that? It took me ages to understand.”

“How the turns have tabled,” Blaine sighs sadly. Burt must’ve picked it up, since he drops his cheery smile and he frowns instead.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

There’s a lot to talk about. Luckily, Blaine is surrounded by people who are very willing to listen to him, including Burt, but Blaine does not have the time to dump all of his thoughts on Burt. After all, they’d promised to take it easy. Burt had some heart problems a year ago, and stress can trigger further problems.

Instead of sharing all the burdens, Blaine can only think of one, so he blurts out: “Should I have kept the wedding a secret?”

“Of course not, Blaine.”

“We don’t really talk about it,” Blaine admits, “He doesn’t want to think about it and I don’t want to push him.” There are more things they aren’t talking about, but their upcoming wedding is a big one. Blaine had expected an off-standish reaction, but now that it’s happening, he doesn’t know what to do.

It’s best to keep the other big secrets secret for now. Blaine isn’t going to tell him about Quinn and Rachel’s offer anytime soon.

“I have the feeling you guys don’t really talk about anything,” Burt says. There’s no judgement. Burt is just stating the obvious. “Blaine, how are you feeling?”

“Terrible, still. Angry most of the time. Sad when I can’t help it.”

“Maybe you should tell Kurt that,” Burt advises, but Blaine can already feel himself shaking his head. Kurt is slowly getting to know Blaine a little bit more. So far, he knows Blaine as the more confident and supporting one. Blaine does not want to change that.

Burt sees Blaine shaking his head, but he keeps his comments to himself. Instead, he starts talking about Thanksgiving plans and Blaine just plays along. That’s what they’ve all been doing for over a month now: playing a part.

“Bye, third favourite son, I have to go,” Burt says after a while.

“Bye favourite dad,” Blaine says back automatically. Burt’s face falls for a small second, and Blaine knows that Burt dislikes the strained relationship between Blaine and his own dad, but then they say their goodbyes and they end the call.

Kitty and Roderick are coming over for dinner. Kurt and Kitty have been hanging out for a while, and sometimes Rachel, Jesse and Blaine join them, but Kurt hasn’t really met Roderick yet. When Blaine had suggested a small dinner party with just the four of them, Kurt had grumbled something, but then he agreed.

Kitty and Roderick come over and they’re wearing matching bowling shirts. Kurt’s horrified when he sees it, but it fills Kitty’s face with joy.

“Good to see that your fashion choices haven’t changed, dear,” she says cheerfully.

“Well, yours certainly have,” Kurt says, appalled.

“It’s a joke, Kurt. Roderick used to wear loads of bowling shirts in high school, so sometimes we just wear them for fun. Speaking of Roderick…”

Roderick has grown a lot over the past decade. Blaine only met him ten years ago, but according to everyone else, Roderick was not always this confident, open and charming. Well, he puts his confidence, openness and charming nature to good use, since he manages to make Kurt smile immediately.

That, and Kurt doesn’t know him. For Kurt, this is their very first meeting. Kurt’s told Blaine that it was easier to meet Wes, Mae, Adam and Sebastian for that same reason. Still, Roderick’s kindness certainly helps and when he starts to sing along with one of the songs on Mimi’s playlist, Kurt is very impressed.

The evening goes well. Kitty and Roderick fill Kurt in on his internship at McKinley High as a glee club co-director. Blaine loves listening to the story, especially since Roderick sometimes slips up and still calls Kurt ‘Mr. Hummel’.

There’s a relaxed atmosphere, but Blaine still doesn’t fully feel at ease. He watches Kurt’s face for a trace of recognition, but there’s nothing. Blaine downs his drink when Roderick starts another story that should be a clear memory for Kurt, but it’s not.

“I’m going to get a refill,” Blaine holds up his glass and without waiting for anyone’s approval, he gets up to go to the kitchen. He chops some lime and he fills his glass with more tap water. At moments like this, he wonders if alcohol would soften the blow, but then he remembers that it doesn’t. That’s why he quit.

He doesn’t go back to the dining area. He empties his glass in one go.

“Damn, chug that lime water down, Anderson.”

Kitty smirks and Blaine flips her off.

“You need something?”

Kitty shrugs. “Kurt and Roderick are… well, they’re not catching up. They’re meeting. I’m really happy to see that Kurt and Roderick still hit it off, but it made me feel like a third wheel, so I decided to annoy you instead.”

“You are very good at being annoying, Wilde.”

Now Kitty flips him off.

“Besides, you were rather quiet at dinner," she then says.

Blaine looks away to refill his glass. He knows what Kitty is referring to, so he cuts straight to the point by saying: “It is happening to him, not to me.”

He does not feel the need to talk about why he’s feeling down, since Kitty clearly understands what is going on.

Kitty scoffs loudly.

“That is where you’re wrong. It is happening to you. You’ve been left with this situation as well. Hell, it is happening to all of us and sure, our suffering is secondary to Kurt’s, but it’s still there.”

Blaine looks up from his glass to see that Kitty looks so incredibly angry, but not at Blaine. Blaine realises that Kitty is just as angry at the universe as Blaine is.

“Everything fucking sucks,” Blaine groans out.

Kitty barks out a laugh. “No shit, Anderson. Do you know how much it hurts to see the looks that Kurt shoots me? I don’t think he’s noticed, but sometimes, his face reflexively scrunches up when he sees me. Just the look of confusion and slight disgust, as if he can’t imagine that the two of us ever became friends. It doesn’t make any sense to him. I haven’t seen that look ever since I moved to New York. That’s why it’s so awkward for me to watch Kurt and Roderick immediately connect. Roderick makes sense to him, but I don’t.”

Blaine didn’t know that that was happening. Sure, Kurt’s a bit more closed off with Kitty than before the memory loss, but he didn’t know that Kurt doesn’t like her.

“I’m trying to prove that we’re actual friends. I’ve done so before, and I will do so again, but it does hurt to see how he just doesn’t believe it,” Kitty spits out, but then the angry frown drops and she just looks sad.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Kitty.”

“I’d almost say that you’re lucky that he doesn’t know you at all, but we both know that’s not the case,” Kitty sighs sadly, “Your situation is shitty for different reasons. I don’t know how you’re holding up. I would’ve broken down by now.”

“Trust me, Kitty, I have,” Blaine says pointedly, “But I have to be strong for Kurt. That is the thing that keeps me going. I have to be strong.”

He’s not convincing Kitty, but honestly, Blaine has problems convincing himself sometimes.

“I have to be strong,” he says again for extra emphasis.

Kitty looks at him with pity.

“No Blaine, you don’t have to be.”

Things can only go well for a certain amount of time before it all breaks apart.

It happens on a regular morning. Kurt is getting ready in the bathroom, since he is meeting Rachel for lunch. Blaine’s sitting in bed while scrolling through his Firmspring in the need for inspiration. He will have a small meeting with his team about the new album later in the day. Since he releases independently, he doesn’t have to worry too much about losing time.

Kurt is finished and he walks into the bedroom. Blaine looks up from his phone and- well, he almost drops it. Kurt looks as gorgeous as ever, but his hair is different.

Not bad different, but old different.

Kurt’s been parting his hair in a certain way for at least seven years, but now he’s styled it like he used to do it back when Kurt and Blaine first met.

It looks amazing, truly, but it still makes the air go thin.

“Your hair,” is all Blaine manages to say.

“Oh, you like it?” Kurt asks and he does a dramatic hair flip. There must be a lot of hairspray in his hair, since it stays perfectly intact like it used to do.

Blaine hates it.

“Why?” he asks.

Kurt looks a bit surprised by the reaction, but then he laughs as if Blaine’s made some corny joke. “Because I like it this way, dummy.”

“No you don’t,” Blaine blurts out before he can stop himself.

“It is my hair, Blaine,” Kurt rolls his eyes dramatically, “I think I know what I like, or are you saying that it isn’t my own hair?”

“It’s your hair,” Blaine agrees, but it’s not right. It doesn’t feel right. “But you don’t like it like that.”

Kurt has a bored look on his face, as if he’s tired of joking around. Blaine is not joking, though. “I think I can decide that for myself.”

“You haven’t liked that in years,” Blaine tells Kurt and oh god, Blaine knows it is just a way of styling your hair, but he needs Kurt to agree with him. He slowly gets out of bed just to stop Kurt from going out, looking like that.

Kurt’s starting to look younger. The other day, he even shaved. It’s growing back, since Kurt needs the stubble for Broadway, but it gave Blaine the same whiplash.

“Why do I even like my current hairstyle?” Kurt says incredulously, “It’s floppy and I think I parted it in a very weird way.”

“You got tired of the over-usage of hairspray, same with me and hairgel,” Blaine clarifies. He’s about to reach out to ruffle Kurt’s hair, just to make it go back to how it should be, but he stops himself when he sees the murderous look on Kurt’s face. At least he’s still very protective of his hair.

“Did I?” Kurt scoffs and he crosses his arms, “Because I don’t remember thinking that. I like my hair this way. Blaine, you’re thinking of me as two different people.”

“I am not!” Blaine protests and he feels that his breathing is starting to become heavy. He’s trying very hard to not freak out, but watching Kurt doesn’t help. Kurt looks angry, as if he can’t believe that Blaine’s saying all of this.

“Oh really. If I am the same person, then I know what I like to do with my hair, even now,” Kurt says sharply. Blaine closes his eyes and he shakes his head. He knows he’s maybe being a bit unfair, but this doesn’t feel right.

This is not right.

“Y-You don’t know,” Blaine mutters.

“Am I the same person, or not Blaine?”

Blaine shakes his head again, but then he nods quickly, but then he finds himself shaking his head again. This feels so, so wrong and Kurt doesn’t even know why. He wants to tell Kurt that he looks fine, that everything is alright, but instead he feels himself losing it.

“Blaine, come on, answer me. You’ve been nothing but kind and accommodating to me over the past few weeks. I don’t understand why you’re suddenly making a big deal of it. It is just hair.”

Blaine opens his eyes and Kurt looks so angry at him, as if he can’t fully fathom why Blaine is acting this way. Blaine backs away till he hits the bedframe. And Blaine knows that’s not fully his fault. After all, Blaine’s been the one to keep it together just for the sake of Kurt.

But at one point, there must be a breaking point.

Blaine bursts out in tears and his legs go weak. He falls to the floor, but he manages to catch a glimpse of the shock on Kurt’s face. He buries his head in his hands, so that he doesn’t have to see Kurt, and he cries. He’s been crying a lot lately, but he hasn’t cried this much in ages.

“Oh shit,” he hears Kurt mutter.

Blaine still doesn’t want to see Kurt, since he can’t stand the look on his face, knowing that Blaine put it there, but Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine. Sobs wrack his body, but Kurt’s holding him tightly and he’s spewing reassuring nonsense.

It’s making things worse, to be honest.

Blaine would rather cry in the comfort of his own- well, home doesn’t really fit here, but he’d rather go to the office and hide away for now. He cries even harder, and his breathing gets even worse, but every time he tries to calm himself, it gets somehow worse. Oh God, Kurt’s gonna think he’s weak and he’s going to hate him and he’s going to leave him after all, especially since the memories will not come back and-

But then, Kurt puts his hands on Blaine’s shoulders and he steadies him against the bed. “Okay, Blaine, breathe with me, okay? Can you do that for me? In. Out. One, two, three.”

Blaine tries to follow his lead, but he fails.

“It’s okay. Let’s try it again. In. Out. One, two, three. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

It takes a couple of tries, and the embarrassment does not die away immediately, but after a solid ten minutes, Blaine let’s out a long breath. He dares to open his eyes and Kurt’s looking at him with a worried look on his face. The sight of the worry on his face almost makes Blaine spiral all over again, but Kurt immediately says: “It’s all alright. I am here, you doofus.”

Kurt moves his hands from Blaine’s shoulders to Blaine’s face.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Blaine Anderson,” Kurt says sternly. Then, the look on his face softens and he says: “I’ll wear my hair differently, if that makes you feel better.”

Blaine wants to agree, but he shakes his head. This is not only about that stupid hairstyle. This is much more.

“I-I have, uhm, I have not been dealing very well with the whole memory loss thing,” Blaine admits quietly and he laughs in a self-deprecating way. Kurt does not laugh.

“No shit, Blaine,” he says instead. Kurt takes one of Blaine’s hands and he puts it over Blaine’s heart. “You can’t bottle it all up in here. Why didn’t you tell me you were not doing fine?”

“I didn’t want to w-worry you,” Blaine says and his breath still hitches, but it’s more controlled now.

“Oh God, Blaine. You’re in this situation as well and, fuck, I’m sorry I didn’t notice that you were… I’m sorry,” Kurt says and he leans down to kiss Blaine’s forehead, “I didn’t notice. I’m sorry.”

“To be fair, I didn’t let you in and you don’t remember me, so you couldn’t have known that I am a mess. I, uhm, told you that I am not…”

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not that great,” Blaine says half-heartedly, “I don’t like- I mean, I have to be strong and I… I have to be strong. I’m sorry I’m not strong when I have to be.”

No, Blaine, you don’t have to be. Kitty’s words echo through his head. If only he could believe her.

Kurt sits next to Blaine against the bed. He looks tired. “How about we stop apologising to each other. We’re both stuck in this situation against our wishes. Instead, we should just be upfront about these things.”

“Easier said than done,” Blaine blurts out. And in that moment, Blaine almost wants to laugh when he realises what he’s done. He’s been so focused on how Kurt’s gone back to his younger self – literally – that he’s ignored the fact that he’s doing the same thing.

Blaine’s always wanted to put Kurt’s needs in front of his own. It took him a long while to realise how unhealthy that can be and yet, here he is again. Just like Kurt, he’s fallen back into old habits.

“What are you thinking about?” Kurt asks.

Blaine looks at Kurt. He’s still embarrassed and he still wants to retreat back to the office, but Kurt’s right. This isn’t helping anyone. He’s tired and he does not want to explain all of his thoughts to Kurt right now, so for now, he answers: “About how stupid we are.”

Soon, when he’s less tired, he will tell Kurt the full story, truly, but now Kurt snorts in disbelief and that is enough.

Kurt cancels his lunch with Rachel and Blaine cancels his meeting with his team. Instead, the two of them snuggle on the couch while watching Netflix.

There’s something on Blaine’s mind, though. He nudges against Kurt.

“Hey Kurt, I didn’t know you had any experience with panic attacks.”

Kurt blinks a couple of times in confusion. “I… haven’t.”

“Then how did you know what to do?” Blaine asks.

“I don’t know,” Kurt admits, and he sounds very confused. Blaine smiles sadly.

“Because I taught you that.”

It feels like it’s the last straw that breaks the camel's back. Kurt slowly starts to remember small things without him noticing. He will mention something that he can’t remember learning or knowing. He uses Blaine’s middle name, he mentions their favourite coffee shop, he asks how Blaine’s mother is doing in Cebu. Truly, most of the time Kurt doesn’t even notice that he’s done something extraordinary until Blaine tells him. Every time Kurt admits that he doesn’t exactly know what he’s saying, a new wave of disappointment hits Blaine, but there’s also some lingering hope.

It isn’t a big climatic cinematic moment where all the memories flood back in an instant, and Kurt jumps into Blaine’s arms with joy.

But it’s something.