2020

“Heck yeah, lekker met de meiden worteltaart!” Femke throws her arms around Bella and Adeola, “Are we ready for this, I am so excited. Have you guys travelled by train before?”

“I travel between Rotterdam and Amsterdam on a daily basis,” Kurt deadpans.

“Right. Forgot about that,” Femke says.

The five of them check in at the central station of Rotterdam. Femke is chatting and it’s clearly driving Bella mad, but she’s too polite to curb the enthusiasm.

“Can’t believe we’re going to spend an entire day with her,” Blaine mutters and Kurt elbows him.

“Be nice,” he hisses. Blaine rolls his eyes.

Blaine knows that he didn’t have to come along. This shouldn’t have happened, but everyone stupidly agreed to it.

“We have to change trains in Utrecht,” Femke reminds everyone, “Utrecht Centraal is the biggest train station in the Netherlands, since the city is the center of the country. If everything goes according to plan, it’ll take us one hour and forty minutes.”

“If?” Blaine asks.

“De NS is kut. Remember that, Blaine. That’s one of the most important sentences of the Dutch language!”

Nijmegen is nothing like Rotterdam. Even the Mariënburg, which some call the Nijmeegse equivalent of the Koopgoot has nothing on the real one. But the city is lovely and the vibe is different. The five of them walk towards the Grote Markt and Femke is talking a lot.

“Als je een frikandelbroodje plant, het begiet met een blikje energy, dan krijg je een 5 havoër genaamd Mitchell. That’s a very important lesson to know!”

She says it with so much conviction that it makes you listen, even when you don’t understand it. Even Bella’s all ears. Kurt and Blaine are trailing behind the three women and Blaine learns that Femke went to university in this city, but that she moved to Rotterdam for her job.

It’s weird, to be honest. Blaine’s walking next to Kurt in a somewhat comfortable silence. It’s not ideal, but it’s fine. And Cupid isn’t flying around, pointing an arrow at Blaine’s heart. Maybe all those years of repressing the feelings have paid off. Maybe all will be okay.

“Oh, look at those!” Femke points towards some big stuffed bears in the shop window of the Hema, “God, imagine getting a real life bear hug!”

Kurt laughs. “Oh, my brother was the best at those!”

Kurt continues to tell everyone how tall Finn was and how his big arms would almost crush you and Blaine is focusing on his breathing. He remembers those hugs. He remembers roughhousing and video game nights and Friday Night dinners.

He remembers that Finn is dead. Finn. Finn. Finn. Finn. Finn. Blaine hasn’t let himself think about him in so long, because he knows what he’s done wrong.

And suddenly, the lyrics of Cut You A Piece fill his head. He’s listened a lot to this song when he first discovered 35MM: A Musical Exhibition.

His life was scattered, and soon was her ash
I cut you a piece of me, I cut you a piece of me.
And where you go I will go too.
I lost my life when I lost you.

This always reminded him of the moment he heard the news.

Everyone laughs about something that Kurt just said, but Bella looks over her shoulder and her face falls when she sees Blaine’s harrowed expression.

She lets go of Adeola’s hand so that she can reach out to him.

“Are you okay?” she says quietly. Bella’s even smaller than Blaine. They often joke that it’s due to their Asian genes. It makes it easy to look over her. Blaine does that and he sees Femke, Kurt and Adeola staring.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine blurts out when his eyes land on Kurt. Kurt’s face hardens. Blaine can feel the tears welling up. “I’m sorry. About Finn. I’m so, so sorry.”

“You’re seven years too late,” Kurt snaps.

“I’m still so, so sorry. And I’m sorry that I’m late. I shouldn’t have blocked you a second time, but I was- so much was going on in my life.”

“You’re not the one whose brother fucking died around the same time your best friend blocked you.”

Silence.

Kurt and Blaine are staring at each other, both with tears in their eyes. Kurt looks livid. Bella’s fidgeting with her gloves. Adeola and Femke are suddenly very interested in the cobblestones on the ground.

“Alright, maybe the three of us…” Femke doesn’t finish her sentence, since Bella and Adeola are both nodding eagerly before she can. Bella gives Blaine an apologetic look before the three of them dash away.

“You want to talk about this, now?” Kurt says angrily when the three women are out of sight.

“No!” Blaine says loudly, “You brought it up-”

Kurt holds up his hand to silence Blaine and it stupidly works.

“I didn’t bring up his death,” Kurt snaps, “I just want a nice day out, but I am starting to regret agreeing to this. What are we doing?”

“I don’t know,” Blaine says and he lets out a sob. He puts his hand in front of his mouth. “Why is this so difficult?”

“You ruined us. I wasn’t perfect either, but I never wanted to give up on you!” Kurt says harshly.

Blaine nods. He knows that. Kurt also said that in the voice message that Mercedes sent. Christ, Mercedes! Does Kurt still talk to her?

“Look, fuck, I’m sorry, okay! I know that what I was going through was probably nothing compared to your shit!” Blaine says back. It’s true. Cooper is very much alive. “But I was feeling like crap and you hammering down on me didn’t make it any better and I know-” Blaine quickly says, because Kurt’s opened his mouth for a counterargument, “I know that I was wrong. And that you were just trying to help, but I was too fucked up to accept that help so instead I lashed out!”

People are staring at them and Blaine’s suddenly very aware that they’re having a scream fest in front of the Hema in Nijmegen.

Blaine grabs Kurt’s arm and they turn the corner. Luckily, there’s an alley next to a phone accessory shop.

“Let go!” Kurt says angrily and Blaine does as he’s told. Kurt’s breathing hard and he’s staring at his feet. Blaine’s own head is spinning.

“Why do we keep trying this?” Blaine mutters. The anger is slowly leaving. Now he just feels hollow. “Kurt, why did we go to this city together? Why do we keep talking to each other? Why did I ask you to come over to my place? It’s just like the last years where we couldn’t have a proper conversation without it turning into a fight why are we doing this?”

“I wanted to see you. I hate that I wanted to see you.”

“You’re really fucking messing with my head right now. You wanted to see me, but you also don’t want to be my friend?” Blaine says, indignantly, “You give me an invitation to text you but you also don’t want to talk about anything. I thought you hated me. You said that losing me is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“Because… it is. And I hate that that’s true!” Kurt finally looks at him, “I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped wondering how you are. I never stopped… hoping to see you again. I don’t know. I don’t know. I hate that I miss you. I hate that I… never stopped thinking about you. I hate that I-” Kurt’s words get caught in his throat and he sniffs “-sometimes feel like I shouldn’t have to… I hate- I hate that I still want to be your friend!”

“But…” The ‘But you said’ dies on Blaine’s lips. He’s too shocked to form words.

“Don’t get me wrong. Ditching you was one of the best things I’ve ever done. We both know it wasn’t… It wasn’t okay between us.” Kurt sniffs again. “We both knew that it had to end. But even though I- I- I still stand by it, even now all these years later I really stand behind it but… that doesn’t make it any less painful. That doesn’t make it any less hurtful. And I hate this. This was never supposed to happen.”

Another sniff. Then Kurt lets out a sad sigh.

“I don’t want to be friends. I don’t think I can- I don’t think I can get… hurt all over again.”

Blaine closes his eyes. The way Kurt said the word ‘hurt’ was so painful.

“I can’t risk feeling this pain-” Another sniff. Another sigh. Blaine’s also sobbing.

“Kurt…”

“I always wished the best for you. I’ve always… I know, I know that I’m the one who ended it but I always would dream, like what would happen if we see each other again. Maybe we wouldn’t go back to being best friends forever – I don’t care – but I still wanted to know what was going on in your life. I still… needed to know if you were doing alright. And I think that’s why, even though I should know better, that’s why I’m doing this.”

He lets out a teary laugh.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

The two of them stand in silence, crying. It’s clear that these words were an accumulation of seven years of pain. Blaine also has something to say about the last seven years.

He decides say it out loud.