2020

There’s this song called Telephone Wire from Fun Home the musical. Blaine always loved the raw emotion of that song. Right now, he’s standing in an empty alley in Nijmegen and Kurt’s looking at him, waiting for Blaine to finally tell him what’s been on his mind for years, and all Blaine can think of is the most painful lyric of that song.

Say something!
Talk to me!
Say something!
Anything!
At the light
At the light

This can't be our last—

The abrupt interruption of Big Alison’s sentence always hurts, because that’s what it felt like when Kurt and Blaine stopped talking. They had so much to say to each other. Tension had spiked. Yet, instead of trying, Blaine blocked Kurt.

It was a rash, irrational decision, but that same decision ruined everything and he couldn’t take it back, especially since the first fight that led to Blaine irrationally blocking him. He doesn’t want to confront this, even after seven years. Blaine would rather set himself on fire, or jump off a cliff, or have his appendix burst, or… or…

“Yes?” Kurt says impatiently.

And that’s all it takes for Blaine to break down.

“See? This! This kind of bullshit, Kurt!” he says back, “Your goddamn belittling tone.”

“I haven’t-”

“Shut up. I let you talk. Now let me say my thing.”

Kurt’s mouth snaps shut.

“Do you think it was fucking easy for me, to… to constantly- constantly be around your perfect life?” Blaine says harshly, “Your amazing dad and loving stepbrother and stepmother? Meanwhile, my dad was cheating on my mom. They’re divorced now, you know? And then all the fucking college stuff! It was hard to see how much you had it all figured out. And Mercedes. This law degree is my first study, Kurt, because I didn’t fucking know what to do with my life!”

Kurt tries to say something, but then he remembers that he’s agreed to let Blaine vent.

“And you kept… you were… you pushed me! You kept pushing me! Always so fucking pushy and disappointed when I didn’t do what you suggested. You were basically… you just- everything was too much, Kurt! Too fucking much!”

“I was just-”

“Shut! Up!” Blaine yells again. He closes his eyes, because he knows what Kurt’s going to say. He knows that Kurt’s going to be right. “That’s the worst part of it all, Kurt. I know- I know! You were trying to be a friend and I was being unfair. I fucking know that all of that doubt and jealousy was in my… head. I was never really angry at you. I was always angry…”

“At yourself,” Kurt finishes.

Blaine nods. He feels the shame rise. It reminds him of all those years ago, when Blaine blocked Kurt and Kurt sent that voice message. He was so ashamed of himself. That’s why he never tried to save their friendship in that time between the block and the voice message. If the shame of the first block was terrible, then the shame after the second one was immense.

How could he face Kurt after doing all that? All because he couldn’t handle the truth.

“I know it was all in my head, Kurt,” Blaine says silently. The anger is gone and the shame is back. He hates the shame. It was easier to be angry at Kurt and to believe that Kurt deserved it, because then Blaine didn’t have to admit that he ruined it. “But it’s still how I felt. You made me… feel-” Blaine needs to take a breath. “Feel so stupid sometimes. Especially when you were in New York and I was stuck in Lima. That made it so much worse. You had it all. And I know your life wasn’t perfect. I know- fuck, I’m just trying to make you understand why I did what I did. It was way fucking easier to just pretend you didn’t exist, so I started to distance myself from you and I’m sorry, but it was easier! And then the fights happened and it was just easier…” To hate him. Blaine doesn’t want to say that out loud. It was easier to be angry at Kurt than to have to accept that Blaine’s life was a mess.

And maybe Blaine did hate Kurt at one point. Even though it wasn’t intentional, Kurt really made him feel terrible.

“Blaine…”

“I was too messed up, Kurt. Too messed up. And it cost me you.”

And Blaine hasn’t even touched upon the other part of the story. The feelings. The big queer awakening that Kurt caused.

Blaine really hated him back then. It felt like Kurt couldn’t leave his thoughts, even though they hadn’t spoken in a year. It’s really weird to realise that you’ve been in love with a person for years.

“Blaine,” Kurt says again, “Blaine, I’m sorry. I never- I suspected, but I never knew. But I understood. I’ve also thought a lot about it. You blocked me, not Mercedes. Which is probably the thing that hurt the most-”

“Kurt-”

“But I think I knew that I was… too much. It was too much for you to confront me. Mercedes was easier. Mercedes was angry, and you could yell back. But with me, you had to confront your issues.”

Blaine lets out a deep breath. It’s true. Fuck, Kurt’s always been the smarter one.

“I… that’s what hurt the most. You once again gave up so easily. You threw away a ten year old friendship as if it meant nothing.”

“It did mean something!” Blaine says desperately. He opens his eyes to look at Kurt, so that Kurt can see how much he means it. “You were my everything.”

“You were going to be the best man at my wedding,” Kurt agrees.

“You were going to be the godfather of my children,” Blaine says back.

“You were going to be at every birthday, until we were old and grey.”

“You were going to be my roommate in the nursery home.”

The two of them laugh sadly. How naïve were they as children? Why did they think it was realistic to look so far ahead?

“And now we don’t even know each other,” Kurt laments, “Right now I want to ask you so many things because I'm curious about your life but then I get angry at the fact that you blocked me which led to me not knowing and it’s just anger and sadness and confusion and-”

“What do you want to ask?” Blaine cuts in.

“Everything,” Kurt answers, “But I don’t- maybe we shouldn’t…”

“Yeah,” Blaine mutters.

“Yeah.”

“I… think I’m going home,” Blaine says quietly, “We never should’ve tried this. Hope makes us stupid. We tried to be friends again after the first block and that didn’t work out either.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says again.

Bella Kim: wtf???? Where are you????

Me: Rotterdam

Bella Kim: 😢😢😢

Bella ditched Adeola for this. Kurt, Bella, Adeola and Femke all stayed in Nijmegen, but Bella was planning on going home with Adeola. Now, she’s sitting on Blaine’s couch.

“I’m sorry, Blaine.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Blaine says sadly, “Everything’s just a mess. We’re both on the same page. That’s at least something. It explains why Kurt’s so kind one moment and so cold the next.”

“What page?” Bella asks.

“Wanting. And not wanting to want,” Blaine was woefully. Bella raises an eyebrow in question, so Blaine explains that he sees this entire thing as a rollercoaster. They’re so torn up about the entire situation. They both want to try. They both have hope. But it always goes to shit.

Bella looks guiltier and guiltier as Blaine goes on.

“What?” Blaine asks at one point, “You had nothing to do with this.”

“I… uh…” Bella clears her throat, “Uh.”

“Bella?” Blaine sits up straight. He leans forward. He doesn’t like her nervosity.

“I may or may not have… tried to push you two together,” Bella admits.

Blaine frowns in confusion. That makes no damn sense. Bella didn’t even fucking know Kurt until that day in the Koopgoot. Sure, Blaine’s talked about him and he’s shown photos, but Bella is ridiculous now. He tells her that.

“Look, you were miserable!” Bella says, instead of explaining herself, “And I saw that you regretted how you left it off!”

“Bella. What do you mean?”

Bella looks guilty again. “I suggested TOFFLER, because I overheard that Yannick was going to be there, so I took a wild guess.”

Blaine gets a bit annoyed.

“That’s-”

“And I saw him through the windows in the KKEC, which is why I insisted on going inside. And I really wanted you to go to Nijmegen with us.”

“… Bella,” Blaine snaps. He’s jumped off the couch in agitation.

“Sorry, I know-”

“A few meetings won’t fix what happened!”

“I know now, and I’m so-”

“No,” Blaine says angrily, “No, Bella, no! What the- that’s none of your business! What’s happened is between Kurt and I. I told you all of that because I wanted to vent, not because I- Jesus, Bella!”

Bella’s gotten up too. She tries to calm Blaine. “It was out of line, I know-”

“God, fuck this!” Blaine turns away from you, “You know what’s your problem, Bella? You’re so fucking naïve. You’re only eighteen and yet you think that, since you’re an adult now, you know how the world works.”

“That’s not fair,” Bella snaps back. She now sounds angry too. “I was trying to help!”

“Well it fucking backfired,” Blaine says, “I left Nijmegen early! God, don’t poke your nose in other people’s business.”

Silence.

But then-

“Okay,” Bella says quietly, “Okay. I’ll go. Bye.”

Blaine’s still not looking at her, but he sees her in the reflection of his window. Bella’s gathering all her stuff and she rushes towards the door. Blaine wants to turn around and stop her, and apologise, but he’s still the same person he’s always been. He still lashes out and pushes people away.

He closes his eyes and he hears Bella leave.