I’ll tear down the stars and give them to you
They’re not as pretty as your eyes but I guess it’ll have to do

**********

Life was different. Burt and Carole were always reminding me that I had a life outside of Kurt, and I tried my best to maintain it, but it was hard. Whenever I was away from Kurt he’d be on my mind even more than when I had him in my arms. I always told Kurt that he could call me no matter what, and after a year the teachers had given up trying to stop me when I ducked out of the classroom to answer my phone. He called to tell me anything he felt he needed to tell me, even the most seemingly unimportant things. They were all important to him and therefore they were important to me. He would call to tell me about the color of the sky that day, about the butterfly that was currently on his front step, or even to just ask me the time even though it was clearly displayed on the front of his phone. There had only been one day when I had snapped at him about interrupting my class. I had been having a horrible day and Kurt had called to tell me about a bluebird he saw at the park. I had been holding my anger in during the entire morning, and I threw all of my building feelings at him.

“God damn it, couldn’t you have waited until I came over to tell me that?”

“I’m sorry… It-it’s just I’m scared that if I wait I’ll forget. You know how easily I forget.”

I never yelled at him again after that. Even if I didn’t have the time, or if I just really wasn’t in the mood, I still listened to anything and everything he wanted to tell me. I made it a goal my life to listen to anything he thought important enough to tell me. Which was a lot.

Then there were the days when Kurt called me crying. Sometimes he would just be crying over something small, like when he couldn’t find his favorite shirt. It didn’t take much to calm him down, especially since I knew exactly where it was. Then there were other times he’d be crying and I knew as soon as I answered the call that he was crying over more than something trivial. These calls didn’t happen often, but when they did I would always skip class to go under the bleachers in the gym to talk to him instead of pushing him to hang up like I usually did.

Ever since the accident Kurt had been seeing a number of therapists, all for different things, one of the reasons was depression. His disability made it so he didn’t get depressed a lot, but when he did, it was very bad. He would call me sobbing because he couldn’t understand something his father had tried explaining to him and he felt ridiculous, or because he had found his old NYADA brochure and he knew he’d never be able to go. I remembered every phone call like that, and even though I could count them on one hand it still felt like too much.

“Kurt? Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I am so sick of this!”

“Shh… I know, kitten. I know.”

“I just want to be normal for you, Blaine.”

Kurt could break me so easily with just a simple turn of phrase. There was nothing I could do to turn back time, so I had to settle for protecting who he was. Luckily, with Kurt mostly staying close to the house during his recovery, he had few chances to be in places where people might tease or hurt him. The day was coming soon though. Kurt was becoming anxious to resume life and face it as he was, and that would mean dealing with some of the sick human beings who would try to hurt him. I don’t see how anyone could ever hurt Kurt.

Kurt was my world. He was still the man I fell in love with. He was still adorable with an alluring, underlying sex appeal. He still had a voice that made me tremble. He still had a bitchy attitude and a loving nature but now he also had this air of innocence. It was always there but it would show itself in little ways. It showed when Kurt would patter around the kitchen in his sock feet with his hand self-consciously covering his mouth. It showed when Burt was angry with him and he would clasp both of his hands around one of mine and shift behind me. It showed when I would cover his face with short, sweet kisses and his nose would scrunch up and a giggle would bubble past his lips.

The thought of someone saying something to hurt Kurt made me so frustratingly angry and I didn’t know how to release it. I became scared thinking about how I would react if, or should I say when, the situation arrived.

I took a deep breath to steady myself. Thinking about such things wasn’t going to do anything now.

“So, have you done any thinking about college, Blaine?” Artie asked from his spot across from me at our usual table in the cafeteria.

I had been thinking about college. A lot. But then I thought of Kurt and any thoughts about making plans for college seemed like the most horrible betrayal.

“Not really.” I lied.

“You should start, don’t you think?” Artie commented.

“Leave him alone, Artie,” Tine spoke up from beside me, “Blaine has more to consider than the rest of us.”

That made my eyes flicker to her and I caught the understanding there which made me nod slightly.

“So, how’s Kurt doing, Blaine?” Tina asked in response.

Artie glanced at me too, also curious to the answer. Neither of them had seen Kurt since before the accident and so they only knew how he was by second hand accounts from me. I had every intention to have him come visit, and soon, I was just waiting for the right time.

“He’s okay. He’s been having trouble with his reading. He’s happy, though. Most of the time at least.”

“Most of the time?” Artie asked.

I looked over at him and sighed, “Yeah, sometimes he just gets so frustrated with himself that he just shuts down.”

Tina placed her hand over mine, “I’m really sorry, Blaine.”

I turned towards her, “Thank you. I’m thinking if Kurt’s up for it, I’ll bring him to visit you guys someday soon.”

“We’d like that.” Tina smiled, “So, how is he today?”

“He had a bad day on Friday,” I explained, “He wasn’t too bad when I was over there for the weekend, but he seemed to be falling back into it this morning. I wasn’t going to go over there today but after leaving him like that I’m thinking I’ll probably end up going. I‘ll also probably get something to cheer him up on the way.”

I had intended to go home and do all my catch up work from school that day so I could take a drive out to Westerville tomorrow. Then I would have the rest of the week free for Kurt. But I knew that that plan was shot after this morning. Kurt had stayed by my side all throughout breakfast and refused anything offered to him by Carole.

“Why aren’t you eating, kitten?” I whispered in Kurt’s ear.

Kurt didn’t answer. He just brought up our intertwined hands to brush the back of my hand against his cheek.

I had managed to get a granola bar into him before I left.

“What were you thinking of getting him?” Tina’s voice brought me back to the present.

“Not sure. I was thinking something small and simple.”

Tina just smiled and shared a look with Artie.

The day passed by quickly. Classes were quiet and the workload was small. Near the end of my last class I looked outside to see rain splattering against the window. I wondered how I could have missed it and how long it had been pouring.

I ended up going home and choosing one of my old stuffed animals, a bunny, from my closet to give to Kurt. Just something to make him smile that smelled like me. I hadn’t been blind to Kurt’s liking towards wearing my clothes or stealing my pillows. It was a way for me to be there with him even when I wasn’t.

Would he be able to take comfort in these small things if -when- I left for college?

Of course there was the choice to go to college right here in Ohio. That option was looking more and more likely as Kurt became more dependent on me. His independence was growing when it came to his family. He was slowly breaking away from needing Carole’s help with chores or his father’s permission to do the smallest thing but he seemed to be getting more and more attached to me. I wasn’t sure if that was really a good thing.

I sometimes thought about going to college away from Ohio, and without Kurt on my mind it seemed like a dream. The idea of being able to break off from this town and adventure out was a good one. But then memories of Kurt, just little things, hit me like a rain of bullets and I became helpless. Memories of cold feet against calves, stolen kisses behind turned backs, shared glasses of orange juice, and afternoon naps. These memories had the power to shatter any thought of ever leaving Kurt. It was a constant battle in my mind, one I could never get away from. Being away from Kurt was worse. In his presence it was hard to think about anything negative with him.

All of these thoughts fell away as I pulled into his driveway. The rain had stopped by then, the road nearly black and the grass glistening. I hoped that Kurt was preoccupied for the moment. I decided on the way there, after a few days of contemplating, that I would ask Burt if I could take Kurt out for a couple hours. I knew Kurt well enough to know that a lot of his frustration came from being confined to the house, so I thought it would be good for him to get out. He had been a few places, but only ever with his parents. We hadn’t discussed me taking him by myself so that’s what I was hoping to do today.

I walked in the door and found the house rather quiet.

“Anybody home?” I called as I set my bag by the kitchen table.

“In here, Blaine,” came Burt’s voice from the living room.

I made my way into the room. Burt was lounging on his chair watching a game but there was no sign of anyone else. How convenient, I thought.

“Kurt’s upstairs,” Burt said without looking away from the screen.

“Actually Burt there’s something I was hoping to talk to you about.” I tried not to sound nervous but it must not have worked because Burt turned to look at me with a suspicious expression and muted the television.

“What’s up, kid?”

I decided to just get straight to the point. Kurt never put up with my rambling so I shouldn’t have expected Burt to.

“I was thinking, with Kurt being kind of down lately, that it would be nice if I could take him out. Just for a drive somewhere. Get his mind off things.”

Burt was silent for a long time before asking, “Take him out by yourself?”

“Yes.”

Burt just looked at me. Thinking.

“Where do you want to take him?” He finally inquired.

I had a few places in mind but there was one, I guess, that stood out most in my mind. “I was thinking around Schoonover Park.”

Burt was silent again and my nerves shot through the roof.

“Just have him back by nine, you hear?”

I nodded.

“Okay,” Burt looked to be holding back a smile, “Go get him. Take him out. Just be safe.”

“I- we will. Thank you, Burt.”

“Thank you, Blaine.”

I smiled then stood up and went upstairs to Kurt’s room.

Kurt was laying on his stomach across his bed, feet high in air, working on something. He had an assortment of crayons, markers, and glitter surrounding him and a pile of construction paper. I knocked lightly as the corners of my mouth turned up into a grin.

Kurt’s head snapped up and when he saw me his eyes shot over to the clock beside his bed like he had completely lost track of time. He looked back at me with a smile that made his eyes crinkle and my heart flutter.

“I love you, Blaine!”

“I love you too, Kurt.”

That had become our greeting to each other. Instead of “Hi” or “Hey” we said “I love you”. It was just one of our completely cheesy quirks as a couple. It has started early in Kurt’s recovery. After I had made my decision about Kurt, I visited him every day and found that Kurt slept a lot, but also that he was a very light sleeper. I would walk in and he would be sleeping, and instead of saying “Hello,” I would just tell him I loved him, and sometimes he’d wake up and hear me. Eventually, when I would walk in and he was awake, he adopted the greeting and welcomed me by telling me he loved me. It just stuck after his release.

“What’re you up to?” I asked.

“Just making a picture for Finn.”

“Oh, you’re going to send it to him?”

“Yeah!” Kurt beamed.

It was heartbreaking how much Kurt missed Finn while he was in boot camp.

“You know what I was thinking we could do today?” I walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.

Kurt looked up at me, “What?”

“I was thinking we could go for a drive.”

Kurt’s face fell, “But I’m not allowed.”

“I already asked your Dad and it’s okay with him.”

“Really?” Kurt exclaimed.

“Yes,” It felt good to be able to make him smile like that, “So, does that sound good?”

“Sounds good.”

Another thing that hadn’t changed in the slightest about Kurt was his preparation time. It was another hour after he agreed to go that we finally left, although he did look magnificent. White skinny jeans, black combat boots, a simple long sleeve black shirt, and hair styled to perfection. He was perfection.

After saying goodbye to Burt we stepped outside and I had to bite my lip to hold back a chuckle at how animated Kurt became. He twirled and hopped and craned his neck as if trying to see over the horizon.

“Where are we going?” Kurt asked anxiously.

“You’ll see,” I smirked.

I climbed into the driver’s side while Kurt delicately sat down beside me. I watched as his eyes went to the drawing he made for me in the hospital, which I still had taped to my dash.

“You kept this?”

“Of course. You made it for me.” I answered as if it was silly that he even asked.

The drive to the park was wonderful. I put in an old mixed tape we had made about a week after we had just got together and I couldn’t stop myself from squirming with giddiness when Kurt began singing along, just like he always used to.

We pulled up and I was happy to see that the park was almost empty. Kurt hopped out before me and I ended up having to jog to catch up with him when he caught sight of the ducks. We walked and swung our hands between us and God it was everything.

There was something on my mind, though. I kept thinking about what Tine, Artie, and I had spoken about in school and I knew that I was going to have to talk to Kurt about it soon.

"I was talking to Tina and Artie today," I prompted. Kurt looked at me expectantly but didn't say anything so I continued. "We were talking about college next year."

The look Kurt shot me made me wish I hadn't said a word but this was something that we had to talk about sometime.

"Are you going to leave?" Kurt asked quietly.

"I don't know. I need to go to school, kitten."

"I can go with you," he insisted.

The way Kurt said that made me wrap my arms around him so his arms became trapped between our bodies, forcing him to rest his hands on my chest. I wanted him to come with me more than anything. I wanted to show him everything. But there was no way that I could support both of us while going to college. I needed a degree before I could get a well-paying job. I didn't want him living with me while I struggled. He struggled enough on his own.

"I can't take care of us both until I'm done college. You know I would if I could."

Kurt buried his face in my neck as he whispered, "I can- I can help- Please, Blaine..." I felt a tear on my trail down my collarbone and hurried to calm him down.

"Kurt." I said sternly. I couldn't have him working himself up. I couldn't let him get ideas in his head that he wasn't ready for.

Kurt coughed up a sob, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

I held Kurt tighter, "Okay, okay. We don't have to talk about it," His sobs continued and I became frantic, "Don't worry, its fine. Don't cry. Please don't cry."

Kurt nodded against me and we just stood there for a few minutes as I gently rocked us. I wished more than anything that we could just stay here but we couldn't avoid the future forever.

I had tried to talk to him about college twice before and each time Kurt had run off before I could get anything out. I thought that was bad but this? Him crying was so much worse. Despite my brain screaming at me saying that I had to talk through his crying because he would cry every time, I just couldn’t help putting it off yet again. I couldn’t help hoping that if I gave him time maybe he might be able to think about it himself and come to me. It was stupid but it’s how I went about this problem, day by day.

I pulled back and looked Kurt in the eyes, "But we are going to have to talk about this, Kurt."

"I know," Kurt sniffed, "Just-"

"Just not today?" I asked. Kurt nodded, "I get it, Kurt. That's fine. We don't have to talk about it today."

Kurt gave me a small smile and I reached out to brush away a runaway tear from his cheek. I tapped my lips and it was almost funny how quickly Kurt reacted and leaned in to kiss me. It must have been both startling and funny to him too because he giggled into my mouth which made me smile into the kiss.

I hated how I had to hold myself back when we were together like this. I wanted more than anything to put my tongue in his mouth. I wanted to taste the familiar stale coffee and banana flavor that never seemed to fade.

I forced myself to pull back “Want to go home?” I whispered.

Kurt nodded and I sighed.

We headed back to the car hand in hand. It was getting quite dark by this point so I took my phone out from my pocket and clicked it so it would display the time. 8:06pm. Plenty of time to get back. No hurry.

When we got back to the car I walked Kurt over to the passenger side and opened the door. It made Kurt smile and that was almost enough to make me feel better about bringing up the college thing, but not quite. I nudged him inside and after a quick check to make sure he was all the way in, I shut the door then went around to the driver’s side.

Before pulling away from the parking lot I reached across and took Kurt’s hand.

TBC