Goodnight moon and goodnight you

When you're all that I think about

All that I dream about

How'd I ever breathe without

A goodnight kiss from goodnight you?

The kind of hope they all talk about

The kind of feeling we sing about

Sit in our bedroom and read about

Like a passage from Goodnight Moon

**********

So, here's the thing. I liked glee club, I really did, but there were some days when I just really didn't want to be there. This was one of those days. Sugar was loud, Sam was oblivious, and Tina was crying, and I just didn't want to be there. The problem was, although McKinley High School's glee club was on its way to nationals, we still had no real order in the classroom, and I now a senior still had no real say in how anything was done. It's been a real culture shock compared to the private school I transferred from. Dalton Academy's glee club was very strict when it came to both order and organization. I had left there in order to come to McKinley and be with my boyfriend, Kurt Hummel.

I looked to the seat next to me where Kurt always used to sit last year and sighed. I had been going to school for quite a few months without Kurt, and it just didn't seem to get any easier. Of course, it was a hell of a lot easier than we had both been expecting near the end of last school year. We had been expecting to be separated for a good chunk of my senior year while he went to do his freshman year in college. But this wasn't the case now. In fact, we were together pretty much every waking minute when I wasn't in class.

See, Kurt didn't go to school anymore. Not since the accident. He would never finish his senior year with his friends, and he would never get the normal high school experience. The damage that had been done to his brain was permanent.

I was alone and asleep in my bed when I got the call. Kurt was going out with the girls tonight, so I decided to go home and turn in early. I was just on the brink of sleep when my cell phone started buzzing on my night stand. I groaned and reached blindly for it.

INCOMING CALL
UNKNOWN NUMBER

Without really thinking about it, I pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Blaine? Blaine, sweetie, it's Carole."

I was suddenly wide awake and shooting upright. Oh God, I could only think of one reason that Carole would have to call me. "What's happened?" My heart felt like it was going to burst.

"Oh, sweetie, Kurt's been hit by a car. We're at Lima Memorial now."

I had no control of my thoughts after what she said set in. Was he okay? Was he dead? Oh God, what if he was dead? What was I going to do? He was my whole life.

It was as if my thoughts were so loud Carole could hear them. "He's still alive, Blaine. They've taken him in for emergency surgery now. They're not really able to tell us anything yet."

I was numb. Completely numb. I couldn't cry. I couldn't think. "Yeah- um. Okay. I'll just- I'll be right over."

"Do you need one of us to come get you, sweetheart? I don't like the thought of you driving upset."

"No, I- I'm fine. I need- I need time to-" I just really wanted be alone so I could cry and blame myself for everything and sit in my overwhelming guilt that the love of my life could die without me ever having told him one last "I love you".

Carole seemed to understand all of this without me having to say a word. "Okay. Just be safe okay. Drive safely. He's going to be in surgery for a long time yet."

"Okay, I- I'll be there soon."

"Okay, sweetie."

I hung up.

Then I swung my legs over the side of the bed to plant on the floor.

Then I buried my face in my hands.

Then finally I began to panic.

My breath came out in short puffs, and then I was racing around the room. I searched for my keys and kicked on my shoes while the whole time whispering under my breath "No, no, no, no."

The drive to hospital didn't take long. Not with my inability to stay within the speed limit. I was racing through the emergency not twenty minutes after getting off the phone with Carole.

They were all there. Burt, Carole, and Finn. It's hard to describe the way they all looked at me when I walked in. But it was a way that made me feel like family. Like I was just as obligated to sit there all night as they were.

So that's what we did. We sat there all through that night. The worst night of my life. I kept thinking about different things. About how I was going to have to re-plan my entire a future,prepare myself to walk through a world without Kurt Hummel in it. I had done it before in a way, but I couldn't remember how.

Another part of me had plans for if he woke up though. Mostly those plans involved making him feel guilty for putting me through this, but I knew I would never have the heart to carry any of them out.

The doctor came very early in the morning and said that he was alive and that surgery had gone well with putting back together the various shattered bones. For a moment I began to believe that Kurt was going to be okay. That this horrible nightmare was going to come to an end soon.

But then the doctor had kept talking.

He began explaining the damage to Kurt's brain. The swelling. The bruising. The everything. He began saying phrases like "I'm sorry" and "There's nothing we can do right now" and that's when I finally stopped listening.

It wasn't until later that we were allowed to go see him. When the nurse had said "family only" I stuttered but, thank God, Burt and Carole jumped right in and told her that I was, like Finn, his step-brother. We were escorted to the roo,m and after that there's really not much to remember. It's all just one big, blurry clump of horror at the sight of his broken body, crying over lost opportunities and unsaid phrases, and desperate hopes for a miracle.

I ended up having to go home the next day. Burt and Carole insisted that I rest for the next little while and that they would call if anything happened. Well, they kept to their word. Not two days later I got a call from Carole saying that Kurt had woken up but that he was very delusional and confused. She said that it would be best if I not come and see him because over the next little while, he would be under enormous stress as the doctors struggled to figure out what had happened inside his head.

It took all my willpower not to sneak in and visit Kurt as I waited for news. With Finn not coming to school, the wait was maddening. I had never felt more alone. My love for Kurt had never been such a weight on my heart.

After Kurt's condition became stable about a week later, Carole called me and told me to come because Burt wanted to talk to me. My thoughts raced at the possibilities, but the most frequent one was "Is Kurt going to die?" When I arrived, Burt took me out into the waiting room and told me what the doctors had explained to him the previous day. He talked about how Kurt would still be able to function fine. Physically, he was going to be perfect save for a few scars. Mentally, though, the doctors predicted that he was never going to be the same. He was never going to get better. Never fully recover. Burt explained that he was still eighteen-year-old Kurt in what his intentions and motivations were, but the way he went about expressing what he wanted or getting what he wanted was somewhat childlike. He couldn't understand things as easily anymore: reading, math... He was still Kurt though. Burt assured me of that. His feelings and his thoughts were still the same. The same things made him happy; it's just that now instead of simply smiling, he would smile and make sure everybody knew exactly how ecstatic he was. He'd still get way too excited over a new copy of Vogue; it's just now instead of reading, it he'd prefer to cut out all the pictures he likes. I asked Burt if it was a lapse in memory, and Burt shook his head and said no. He explained that it was like Kurt had a mental disability of sorts. Burt then looked at me really seriously and said I should probably take a good long time deciding whether or not this was something I wanted to be involved in. His exact words were: "He's going to be like this for the rest of his life, kid. His emotions are so much stronger now, and his trust is so much harder to come by. If you want to stay with him as a boyfriend, if that's what you both still want and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, then you're going to have to be completely sure about this and in it for the long run. Because I won't have you break his heart. Not when he's like this. Not now. Not ever." He told me to go away for a couple weeks while Kurt was still recovering from the physical aspects of his injuries and think about it, and honestly, that's what I really tried to do. But mostly over the next couple weeks away, I just cried a lot because of how much I missed Kurt.

To ease my mind some, even though I didn't go visit Kurt, I still went to the hospital a couple times every week just to be close to him while I thought. Then I remember one day, about three weeks after my talk with Burt, I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria when my phone buzzed. Confused, because nobody at school seemed to want to bother me when they knew I was here, I pulled it out and turned the screen on.


NEW MESSAGE
FINN

Kurt's stepbrother Finn and I had become a lot closer because of this. We supported each other, and we gave each other somebody to confide in when nobody else seemed to get anything. I looked at the screen and figured he must be telling me that it was time to go. I had ridden with Finn that day instead of taking my own car. So I opened the message.

have u made your decision about kurt?

I frowned. I had been thinking about what Burt had said to me, and although I knew I would always love Kurt more than anything, it had become a decision about what was best for Kurt. With all the craziness and confusion in his life now, would me being in the picture really help? Or would it just make his life even more complex? With everything that had happened to him, I didn't want my feelings to make things harder. And what if he didn't feel the same anymore? The doctors and Burt said that he was different now. Would I be able to cover up my undeniable feelings for him in order to keep him comfortable? I didn't know the answer to any of these questions.

I looked down at my phone and thought through my answer before replying.

I don‘t know. I love him no matter what but I'm just wondering what's best for him.

It was a few minutes before my phone buzzed with his answer.

your still whats best for him. hes wondering where you are. hes been bragging to all the nurses about you. telling them about how he has a really beautiful boyfriend and telling them how much he loves you. he needs you. he doesnt understand why your not here.

My heart sped up at the thought of Kurt waiting for me, expecting me, needing me there and not being able to understand why I wasn't coming to him, and without any of my consent, my body was racing from the cafeteria and down the hall. Every time Kurt was moved to a new room, Carole made sure to tell me what number he was in. I never forgot and I was grateful because it meant I knew exactly where I was going. I approached the door with the full intention of storming right in when a flash of color caught my eye. I skidded to a stop and saw that on the outside of the door under a plaque displaying Kurt's name was a drawing that looked like something one of my kid relatives would do, but I just knew that it had been drawn by Kurt.

The drawing made my heart pound with so much love for him that I wasn't sure if I was going to survive it. I reached out and ran my fingers across our names and felt the tears filling my eyes. I quickly rubbed my hand across my brow, straightened up, and turned to the open door. 

My eyes found him quickly. Oh God, I had missed him so much. I had to stop a whimper from escaping past my lips when I saw Kurt was smiling widely and talking animatedly to his father and Finn who were laughing. I took a moment to just stand there for a moment and smile before reaching up my hand and knocking.

All the heads in the room snapped up. Finn nodded at me in what looked like thanks, Burt's expression changed to incredible relief and just a hint of doubt or maybe suspicion and Kurt‘s, my beautiful Kurt's, became one of the most gorgeous smiles I had ever seen him wear. He smiled with his teeth, and I knew in that moment that nobody had and ever would look so incredibly thrilled to see me. That look made both my heart pound and my stomach twist. How could I ever have kept such a face sitting here waiting for me?

As I watched him watching me, I felt the dorkiest smile ever creeping up onto my face, and I suddenly realized how stupid I had been. Always stupid. I also realized, and I stand by it to this day, that in that moment I knew that I would never again love someone as much as I loved Kurt. Disability or no disability. I would love any version of Kurt offered to me.

I can never fully understand the happiness that swelled through my chest as I watched Kurt reach out a hand towards me. "Blaine!" he called. "There you are! I've been waiting for you."

With that said, I suddenly made up my mind. About us and about my entire life. It would all be Kurt. I took a step forward and began to reach back towards home when I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. I swivelled and saw Burt standing beside me. When had he gotten up?

"Come step outside for a minute with me, kid." Burt said with a gruff voice.

I instantly stiffened. Was Burt going to ask me to leave and not come back? I still wasn't sure where Kurt and I stood when it came to our relationship, but I knew I f loved him every bit as madly as I always had and, from what Finn had told me, Kurt still had some, if not all, of his feelings too. Was his father going to push me away before I even got the chance to figure anything out? The thought made me want to violently vomit, and in a hurry, I looked back at Kurt and saw that he was still reaching desperately for me from his place on the bed. Instead of a gorgeous smile though, his face was wearing a look of confusion and worry. How much did he understand? My whole body began to tremble at the thought of leaving that still reaching hand with nothing to hold onto.

Burt must have seen Kurt andmy quick exchange of emotions because he was suddenly speaking again. "You can go to him in a moment if you still want to. I just want to talk to you for a moment and see that you're sure about this before you go walking over there, making his day, only to go running at the end of it." I reluctantly tore my eyes from Kurt and looked over at Burt where the seriousness in his eyes was clearly visible, and I nodded. I wanted to tell Burt that I had never been so sure of anything in my life as I was right now about Kurt, but I knew that I should at least talk to him before barging in after being absent for so long. Besides, it would give me some answers.

Burt clapped my shoulder, but before walking out, he turned to Kurt. "I'm just going to talk to Blaine for a minute, Kurt. I'll be right back."

I couldn't bear to look back at Kurt and see what I was sure would be a crestfallen face, so I just silently followed out after Burt. I watched him close the door before he turned to me.

"Are you sure about this, kid?"

"Yes." I answered without missing a beat.

Burt nodded and seemed to take comfort in my certainty before continuing. "I just need to you to be really, really sure. Nobody would blame you if you walked out. He's not going to get better, kid. He's like this for life. At least that's what the doctors said.

"He still loves you though. The same as always. Like this drawing here" Burt said with a small smile as he pointed at the drawing under Kurt‘s name, the one that made me want to cry. "Kurt drew this a few days ago. He missed you so much and was asking where you were. I told him that you were busy and that maybe he should do something to keep his mind off of you. The nurse suggested coloring and as you can see, it didn't really work. All he ended up doing was drawing this here picture of you and him."

"Mr. Hummel- Burt," I corrected at the look he shot me, "I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. I've loved your son through his everything. Through his bad days and his good days. Through his attitudes and his stubbornness. I've realized that I'll love Kurt no matter how he's presented to me. I know it's a lot to take on, but even if he only wants me around as a friend, I still want to be there."

Burt studied me for a couple breaths before looking back to the picture. I heard him sigh and relaxed as he turned back with a smile on his face. "You don't have to worry about that, kid. He loves you, the same way he always has. Trust me. He just has a different way of showing it now."

I had no control over the grin that stretched across my face at the thought of being able to be in love Kurt after trying for so long to come to terms with the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to.

"Now," Burt began, "If you feel like you've made up your mind, then how about we go back in there, huh?"

"That sounds wonderful."

So that's what we did. We both went back together, and Kurt looked us over for a second, seeming to be deciding whether everything was okay.He put back on his gorgeous smile and reached back out for me, and this time, there was nothing keeping me from reaching back and taking his small, soft hand into both of mine. Nothing stopped me from getting to know this new Kurt. This new Kurt who always had a million things to say. Nothing stopped me from coloring with him for two hours, or from sharing a juice box with him, or even from leaning down to kiss his cheek and whispering a long overdue "I love you." before taking off for the night.

And not a thing stopped me from becoming absolutely giddy when, after a few silent beats, Kurt said back a very enthusiastic "I love you, too!"

That had been over a year ago. Since then he had been released from the hospital. He went back home with Burt, Carole, and Finn. You could also say me too because I spent more time over there then I did at my own house . After nearly a year of coming over every day after school and sleeping over more than I slept at home, I had my own drawer in his dresser. When Carole did laundry and she brought up the folded clothes, she always had a pile to give to me. I had my toothbrush in their bathroom and my favourite foods in the cupboard.

I had my own side on Kurt's - our -- bed.

My relationship with Kurt was different but yet all the same. We still kissed. But they were kisses filled with smiles and giggles more than ones of passion and declarations of love. But that was okay. We still talked. Although even if we started out seriously, we always got sidetracked. I honestly wouldn't have had it any other way. It could be frustrating though, always caring for someone without getting the same type of care in return, but it was all worth it when I came over after school to catch Kurt's lithe body as he threw himself at me in the doorway.

My thoughts were cut short as the bell rung. I looked around in a daze. Oh right, I was in glee. I hadn't heard a single thing that anyone had said the entire class. Glee was my last class of the day, and I was too eager to get home quickly so I could then go and visit Kurt after thinking about him for so long. I quickly slung my bag over my shoulder and walked swiftly out the door. I didn't have to stop at my locker because I brought all my stuff with me to Glee so I could head right out to the car. I was doing so much driving, and I usually used Kurt's car. Now that Kurt couldn't drive it anymore, Burt had said it was okay as long as I paid for everything on it. Which I did. I climbed in, threw my bag in the back, and put the key in the ignition. My attempt to get home quick only became more urgent when I rested my eyes on the picture I had taped to the dashboard on the passenger's side. It was the drawing Kurt drew of he and I that was posted outside his room under his name. Every time I saw it my heart swelled and I just fell in love with him all over again.

The rest of the afternoon went by relatively quickly. Thank God. I went home instead of straight to Kurt‘s that night, so I could get all my homework for the weekend done and then have the next two days just with Kurt. I had dinner with my parents and then told them, like every Friday, that I'd be staying the night over at Kurt's. My parents had said little about the whole accident. Even before, they rarely mentioned Kurt at all. I think they knew that I would sneak out if they became strict about me seeing him, so instead they just conveyed their disapproval in silence. It worked for me. I packed an overnight bag and at the last minute thought to throw in a pack of his favourite Juicy Fruit to give to Kurt as a surprise. I had a whole stash of the gum for him in my drawer. That was one of the most adorable things about him now. How happy he could become over the littlest things.

After a quick shout of goodbye to my parents, I began the drive towards Kurt's house just as the sun disappeared over the horizon. On the way, I decided to stop at the Lima Bean for a coffee. I pulled in but before I went in, I figured I should give Carole a quick call to see if she needed anything.

The phone rang twice before I heard the voice of the woman who had lately been more of a mother to me than my own. "Hey Blaine!"

"Hey Carole, I'm just on my way over. You need anything?" I asked. It had become quite common for me to make grocery store trips for Carole, with Burt at the shop and Finn having a life of his own. Carole had been unable to get things done because of having to stay with Kurt. That's when I stepped in. After almost three months with no real complications, I was hoping that soon Kurt would be allowed to be in the house alone with me. It's not that I was expecting to do anything; I knew that he was in no way ready for that, but I hadn't had more than an hour alone with him since the accident and I just missed him. More than I ever thought I could miss someone while still being with them for the majority of my time. Okay, and yes I will admit, it was kind of awkward trying to kiss him with Burt and Carole and sometimes even Finn coming in to check on him all the time.

After a moment's pause, Carole's voice came back through the phone. "I don't think so, sweetie, but thank you."

I chuckled quietly at the sincerity in her tone. We had had this exchange every day for months, but she always managed to sound so grateful. "You're welcome. So, how's Kurt today?"

I heard a frustrated whoosh of breath, and I knew instantly that he hadn't been good. Kurt had started to become angry a few weeks ago, which was completely understandable, and we were all just waiting for him to lash out like the therapists expected him to. "It's not one of his better days, Blaine. He's frustrated with himself. Maybe you can get his mind off of things because I certainly can't." She sounded defeated.

"I'll try my best, Carole. I'm just going to get a coffee and something for Kurt, and I'll be right over."

"Alright. Take your time, honey. He's pretty quiet right now anyway."

"Okay. See you in a bit."

"See you."

I closed my phone and got out from the car to go in and get my and Kurt's new usual. I still got the same I always did, a medium drip, but now instead of a grande non-fat mocha for Kurt I just get him a small. And I always got them to put extra skim milk in it to cool it down. It's not that Kurt didn't understand that hecould get burned, it's that he was now extremely impatient.

After picking up the order, I got back to the car and continued the drive. It didn't take long to get there, and I pulled in to my usual spot. It didn't look like anyone was home besides Kurt and Carole, and I kind of liked that. The three of us have had plenty of bonding time over the past few days.

I walked in -- past knocking -- to hear noises from the kitchen that I assumed were Carole getting supper ready. I set my bag down by my now discarded shoes, shrugged off my jacket as best as I could without spilling the coffee, and shuffled into the living room where I found Kurt curled up on the sofa.

He was awake, but he wasn't looking at me. He looked so stunning in my old Dalton sweater and just a pair of his baby blue, silk pyjama bottoms, an old quilt wrapped around his legs, and his hair a mess. He was picking at his fingers and still refusing to meet my eyes.

"What's wrong, kitten?"

He shrugged, and that's how I knew that it had been a really bad day. I walked silently over, sat myself down next to him, and offered him his coffee. He leaned over and took it but instead of moving back away, he leaned into me. I wrapped my free arm around him and just felt and relished his warmth for a few minutes while we both sipped at our coffee. I always gave him time to talk on his own but whenever I figured it was a lost cause, I always tried to give him a little push in the right direction.

"Did something happen?"

Again, he shrugged. Something had happened.

I tilted my head to kiss his temple and breathed, "Tell me".

He looked up at me from his place on my shoulder before offering me his empty coffee cup. I took it and set both his and mine on the side table before turning back to face him completely, finally able to wrap both arms around him. I waited and finally he began to whisper.

"I wanted to read one of my new books today, but it was too hard."

It took all of my will power not to shower his face with kisses, bundle him up entirely in the quilt, and read him the book myself.

Instead I just settled for holding him a little closer and asking: "Do you want to try again?"

"No."

"You know you won't feel better until you get it, kitten. I'll help you."

"You will?" Kurt turned towards me, and I could see the genuine surprise on his face.

"Most definitely. Now go get your book." I patted his thigh in encouragement, and he bounded off the couch and across the room to pick it up where he had left it lying on the floor. He came back with a delighted spring in his step and shoved the book into my hands before curling back up against my side. I looked at the cover. Goodnight Moon. I smiled at the familiar title and opened it to the first page. I adjusted slightly so we both could see, and then together we both read through the book. It was so much easier than I ever expected to be patient with him. I felt like I could spend the rest of my life helping him to finish this book. There was no way I could be impatient as I watched Kurt get upset with himself over not being able to read simple words. I could only imagine how hard this must be for him. To remember being able to understand long novels and now having trouble fully taking in a children's book.

He did it though, with a few whispered hints from me and plenty of praise after he finally got a word right after sounding it out. His overwhelming joy when he closed the back cover was contagious. I wrapped my arms back around him and held him tight and felt my heart flutter when he giggled into my chest. I pulled back and looked at him, and he pulled back too, and then the world seemed to stop.

"Thank you, Blaine."

"Anytime. Anything. You know that."

Despite everything that had changed in our lives, there were some things that had stayed exactly the same. Like the feeling I always got whenever I looked at Kurt. Or the color of his eyes. The impossible blue-green eyes. Or the way he parted his tea rose lips whenever he wanted me to kiss him.

"What do you want, kitten?" I whispered as I brought our foreheads together and my hand to his face.

"A kiss." He breathed against my cheek.

I smiled at his bluntness, but it sure did make everything easier. I pulled back so we could see each other properly, brought my hand up from his jaw, and tapped my finger against my lips. Kurt recognized the now common gesture that I used between us, leaned forward, and with much more confidence than usual, I felt him kiss my bottom lip, and then I was grinning against him. It was a closed mouth kiss, the sweetest kind, and it felt incredible.

We pulled apart after only a few long seconds, and I watched with all my love for Kurt shining in my eyes as he ducked his head and curled back into my chest with a light blush gracing his cheeks.

TBC