Do you remember your first crush? Remember how everytime you thought of that person it felt like the wind was knocked out of you? For me it was like my heart stopped and sped up at the same time, my palms got sweaty, and I seriously couldn't even breathe. That was only when I THOUGHT about him... when he was around me was a totally different story.

Junior high is when we got pretty comfortable with eachother. Like I said, I was drawn to Kurt in sixth grade - but seventh is when we actually became friends. We were the kids who sat in the back of the class and laughed at everything. 

Teachers hated us. We were honestly separated in every class we had together. In our science class, Kurt even had his own "special" desk in the back of the room. You can't blame me though, he was and still is the funniest person I know.

And oh, God... his laugh is infections. I'm so glad our daughter got that from him. 

Back to topic - Seventh grade. When having a crush was a huge deal and holy shit if you started dating eachother you were what everyone talked about. Sadly, if I said that was us I'd be lying. We were two gay kids in Lima, Ohio... yeah, right.

At our school every couple of months they would throw a dance. They would get a DJ, some party lights - the whole shibang. The dances were only from 3-5:30, but they were pretty awesome. It was our chance to dance like crazy people, listen to less than appropriate music, and maybe, just maybe, dance with the object of your affection.

Which I did.

To this day "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias is still a song that makes me weak in the knees. It took some serious begging, but I finally talked Kurt into dancing with me. During a slow song... that's right, guts. 

At this point in our lives we were in the closet. Honestly, Kurt didn't even know if he really was gay, he just knew he wasn't as attracted to girls as others. Me? I knew long before that that girls were just not for me. But there was no way I was coming out in junior high so I could get my ass kicked by David Karovsky and his fellow football neanderthals everyday. 

Back to the dancing... and begging. At first I asked him to dance with me as a joke. I told him in the begining to "save a dance for me" and winked, I didn't really mean it. But when the DJ announced that this would be the last slow song of the night, I almost stopped breathing.

I wanted to dance with him so bad, it hurt. He was getting on his coat and backpack getting ready to leave when I walked up and held my hands out to him. He just kind of looked at me and laughed, then he realized I was serious. I grabbed his hand and explained that I was serious, but he tried to walk away.

Ouch.

I pulled on his hand and just kind of sat there. There was so many fucking things running through my head that before I knew it the words were out of my mouth.

"Please...? Just one dance?"

Well, shit. I literally just begged my best friend to dance with me. Slow dance, that meant touching. My best friend, who may I remind you is so far in the closet right now that he could see Narnia. 

"Yeah, Hummel. Don't turn your homo lover away."

Karovsky, God what a prick. 

I let go of his hand and turned to grab my backpack when Kurt finally spoke up. Sweeter words have never been spoken...

"Well, if he's a homo, I'm a homo. Blaine, I would love to dance with you."

With that he grabbed my hand and pulled me on the dance floor. The song was half way over and the lights were coming on, but I didn't care. It didn't bother me in the slightest that David and some other jocks were sitting by the door sneering at us. I didn't hear the obscene words they were mumbling, all I heard was Kurt's anghellic voice. 

Oh, be still my beating heart. Oh fuck, yeah right. My crush has his hands around my waist, my arms are around his neck and he is singing a love song to me. Well, maybe not really to me, but still. My heart was about to jump out of my chest. 

We twirled and danced for the rest of the song. He never missed a word, and his hands never left my waist. I was smiling so much my cheeks started to hurt, and I couldn't look away from his eyes. Oh, those eyes... 

When the song ended we broke apart and grabbed our backpacks to head out the door. Luckily our friends, the jocks, were long gone and so were most of the other people. After making sure we had everything we headed outside to wait for our rides. I could see his dad's truck on the curb so I expected him to say goodbye and get in the truck. But he didn't.

Instead he looked around with a confused look on his face. 

"Where is your mom, Blaine?"

I looked around for the little Honda my mom drove, but the parking lot was bisically empty. 

"She's probably just running late. It's oh k she'll be here in a minute. You can go."

Wishful thinking. I should have planned better. I knew she wouldn't be there, I knew I had to walk home, it awsn't a big deal though. This happened more often than not. 

"Blaine, she's not coming again, is she?"

Fuck, he's perceptive. 

"No, but I can walk, it's not that big of a deal."

He wasn't having it. Of course not. Looking back, I'm sure that this is one of the reasons I was so attracted to him. Kurt always noticed when my mom didn't show up. He always noticed the little things that other people never saw, or maybe they just ignored them. But he didn't make me feel bad about it. He never made me talk about why I could never really go bowling with our friends because I had to stay home and take care of her. He never pressured me to explain why IF I got to go out, my little sister Arora had to go with me. 

"Get in the truck Blaine, Dad will drop you off. Maybe we can stop and get some dinner at Ellie's, too."

There is nothing worse than having to take a sympathy ride because your own mother is too lazy to come and get you. But really, it sounded better than walking the three miles home. So I got in Burt's truck. We stopped at Ellie's and had dinner... Burt paid, of course. Then they dropped me off. 

On my short walk to the door I reminisced my amazing night. Kurt kinda sorta came out of the closet... even if it was to protect me. We danced, he sang. Magic I tell you, magic. I remember thinking this night would always be something to look back on, something I would always remember. After all, that was the first time I ever realized I was head over heels in love with my best friend. 

I was right, to this day I still look back and that is one of the first memories I think about. It was December 11th, 2006. I know the date because not only is it the day I admitted to myself my feelings for Kurt, but it was also the day I walked into an eerily empty house. As soon as I walked in I knew something was off, but I couldn't place it.

The first thing I did was walk to Arora's room, where she was sleeping. Then I went to my mom's room... it was empty. I don't mean just empty of her, but of her things, everything. 

On her dresser was a note.