September 8,1969

Oh my lovely B,

I hope you know that I am already proud of you; you don't have to change a thing to make me proud. We are all destined to change, with each breath we take, we are no longer the exact same person we were just moments before. Our experiences shape us into who we are. I would not be the same person if I hadn't been born when I was, or lost my mom, my dad, or my grandparents in the exact moments I did. But it isn't just the big events in our lives that change us. One kind word, one smile is sometimes all it takes.

The important thing to remember is to try to change for the better, don't let the hard times make you hard. After losing my dad, I could have closed myself off from the world and become bitter that he was taken away from me sooner than was fair; instead I vowed to embrace life because we never know how long we have.

Starting College is one of those big moments though, and I am sure you won't be the same Blaine I left back at the farm. Not only do you have to opportunity to learn, but you get to experience so many great things that college life has to offer. I really wish I could be there experiencing them alongside you. I have to admit I am a little jealous, I love to learn and was looking forward to going away to college, living life on my own, and learning new things. It's not that I regret my time at the farm exactly, after all if I wouldn't have been there I never would have met you, and that is something I would never change. I think that I am just feeling the loss of the chance more by being here.

So, yes, you are going to change, it would be hard not to. Just know I don't expect you to change for me. I don't love you for what you might become but for the person you are. I also love you for the person I see inside you, that I have seen emerging a little day-by-day. Because while we change in our lives, the essential part of us, what makes us all unique is always there. That is the part of you I love the most. You care so much, and you are so brave and compassionate. You see the best in the world, while also seeing it for what it is. That won't change, and I love you for it. And if you love the essential parts of me, what makes me who I am (and I think you do) then I am not afraid of us changing and losing our love for each other.

I have to say though; I was upset by your plan for the draft board. That was a dangerous and rash thing for you to want to do. I understand that you said you thought long and hard about it; but it could have ended so badly. Besides, you made a promise to me that you wouldn't. I suppose it was wrong of me though to demand that of you. It's not that I think I know what is best for your life, but I realize that that was exactly what it could seem like. I just wish you had talked to me about it before hand, although I realize that would have been hard to do. So while I am upset, I understand: if that makes sense.

In the end, I am just glad that you are never in danger of being where I am. And you shouldn't feel guilty about that either. I am not here because some great cosmic force flipped a coin to whether you or I would be drafted. I am here because of a broken system that thinks that if the military needs more soldiers all they have to do is pick names out of a hat and force people to serve. It is me and not you because I was found fit for service and my name got pulled, nothing more. So, I don't want to read another word about how you feel guilty. I want you to stop feeling guilty; although I know that you can't help the way you feel. Just know that I am in no way upset that you got an exemption and I didn't. I have come to a peace with my fate.

Speaking of which, I am now in Texas, and holy hell is it hot here. My official papers came two days after I sent my last letter, three days before graduation. I think I am the only one who's whole leave was taken up by travel time, all organized by the army of course. I think they know I might go AWOL if given the chance.

Things are different here, we aren't yelled at as much. So while you get to sit in classes learning about wonderful works of literature, I get to sit through training videos about combat medicine. If I didn't hate guns before, just seeing what they can do to the human body, makes me wonder why they were ever invented. Why have we as people made it a priority to find the grisliest ways to maim and kill each other? Thankfully, the videos are not all we do. We are basically learning how to be nurses. IVs, CPR, recognizing common skin infections and diseases, treating wounds. At least I know here I will be able to help people. It's still early in our training, just working on perfecting our skills in a classroom. From what I have heard though it will get intense before long. They want us to be able to work in high-pressure situations and be able to do what needs to be done almost as second nature.

I will be here for three months, so until around the middle of November. We actually get some of the longest training of any the army offers. That is the good news; I should be safe for the next three months. However, I need to warn you that the likelihood I will escape Vietnam completely are slim. From everything I heard, most of us will go: either stationed in a hospital, assigned to medi-vacs, or as combat medics stationed with a company. A few may be lucky enough to go to a hospital out of Vietnam, but it is unlikely. I want you to be prepared; I didn't think it would be right to keep this from you. So while I don't want you to spend the next three months worrying about me, I also didn't want to blindside you with it when I get my orders.

I am trying to work as hard as I can; I need a distraction from missing you. But I have also decided that if I am going to be here, I am going to try to do as much good as I can. If I can save one family from having to grieve over a loved one then I will. I have my dog tags now, and they are oddly comforting. I remember sitting on my dad's lap when I was little and running my hands over the letters of his, the feel almost hypnotizing. I find myself laying on my bunk running my fingers over them, only now I don't imagine his arms around me, I imagine yours. I can let myself feel safe in that moment, wrapped up in your arms like so many nights on the farm. God, I miss you. It is like there is this hole inside me that only you can fill, and I will never be whole until we are together again. Write me soon please, I reread each of your letters every night even though I have them memorized by now. The paper gets softer each day and I am afraid one day they will just fall apart, but I can't stop myself from pulling them out every night. I carry your lock of hair, tied up with a string, in the pocket of my shirt, as close to my heart as I can get. Anything to have some part of you close to me.

I love you, and will do everything in my power to come home to you. If we can survive this, and I have no doubts we will come out of this stronger, I promise you that we will be together fully, no matter what. Take care of yourself and I promise to do the same. I love you.

All my loving,

K

Letters bridged the gap between the two boys, both feeling the loss of the other's presence but determined to make the best of their time apart. New letters joined old, one stack safely stashed in the bottom of a footlocker, the other tied with a faded ribbon that once adorned a heartfelt present and hidden underneath a mattress. The stacks grew thicker as September passed slowly in a parade of classes and training sessions. The letters helped ease the ache both felt at the separation, being allowed to glimpse the life the other was now living.

Blaine's classes filled much of his time. Soon papers demanded to be written and his reading list grew longer; but regardless of the work when a new letter would show up in his mailbox, he would drop everything else to devour it. Once read through at least three times, Blaine would start in on his main letter in earnest, filling in any gap his previous notes may have missed. Each night before going to bed, Blaine had taken to writing little notes to Kurt about his day. He would fill the paper with any stories or trivialities that Blaine could think of. Sometimes they were about his lessons that day, sometimes it was something he saw that made him think of Kurt. If anyone had seen them, they would have thought it was a diary, just filled with random musing. When a proper letter was written, Blaine would stack them all together in chronological order before stuffing them in an envelope to send to Kurt. Sometimes he would include stories or sample articles he had written for class, painstakingly copied by hand.

Kurt never failed to show his appreciation for each word written. He was more hesitant in his stories though, never really embellishing on his time, only mentioning his training in passing. Blaine didn't mind, although he wanted to know exactly what Kurt's days were like. He understood that to Kurt he was an escape. September passed and while in Ohio the days were getting colder as October started in earnest, Kurt never failed to mention the lingering heat Houston had to offer.

Blaine had made no real friends in his time at Kent State just a large group of acquaintances. He still had no one to confide in, to truly talk to, just people he could shoot the breeze with between classes. He still spent a good deal of time out on the lawn playing his guitar, eking out what time he had until it became too cold. It was one of those days in late October that Blaine met Judy. The day had been hard on him; everything he saw made him think of Kurt. He was feeling the distance more than usual, and for some strange reason, he had no work due for any of his classes, leaving him with even more time on his hands to think. Trying to distract himself, he braved the bone aching chill to play outside. His song selection was increasingly melancholic, feeding the ache growing in his chest. He was just finishing up 'Yesterday' when he felt someone sit down beside him. He looked over to see a small blonde girl around his age making herself comfortable at his side.

"Bad break up?" she asked a sympathetic smile on her face.

Blaine shook his head, still staring at her in wonder. Over the last few weeks, fewer people had been stopping to chat with him as he played. "Not exactly," he told her wrapping his arms around his guitar.

She seemed to study him for a moment, "I've seen you around a lot. I live in Allyn Hall; you room in Clark right? Oh, I'm Judy by the way."

"Yeah, I'm on the third floor. Blaine." He said reaching his hand out to shake.

"Does your roommate not like you playing in your room?" She asked, wrapping her arms around herself trying to ward of the cold.

"No, I lucked out; I am roommate free this semester." She looked at him obviously wanting an explanation. "Sometimes I just want to get out of my room. Being outside helps me clear my mind."

"I guess I can respect that, but pretty soon you'll have to take it inside or risk pneumonia." She said giving him a pointed look.

Blaine couldn't help but laugh, a rarity now that Kurt was gone and subject to the whim of the army. "I suppose you're right, though I think I can eke out a couple of more weeks anyways."

"And what a blessing it is for those of us who have the privilege to listen in." She smiled at him, but it wasn't the flirty smile he was used to from girls recently, just an easy friendly one. "So why the sad songs?"

Blaine was taken aback by the question, whenever approached no one had yet questioned his song selection. His surprise led to honesty. "I sing what I feel. I'm sad so I sing sad songs."

"But it isn't a break up?" she pried.

"No, not a break up, just a forced separation." He told her, to which she just raised an eyebrow. The gesture was such a reminder of Kurt tears sprang to his eyes unbidden. "Have you ever met someone that you just felt drawn to?"

"Romantically? No" she said with a sad smile.

"Not just romantically, but in every way. Where it is as if they were just made for you." He whispered.

Her tone in reply was the same "Can't say that I have, not yet anyway."

"That was K- Kay; from the moment we met I just knew we had to get to know each other better. We spent every moment we could together after that. I fell deeply and irrevocably in love, and K, K fell in love with me. By a cruel twist of fate, K had to leave; there was no real choice in the matter after a point. We had a chance to runaway together, but before we could, K was taken away. Now we have only letters and it's just hard to muster the energy to be happy sometimes. So I sing sad songs until we can be together again."

Blaine had never had to tell anyone about Kurt that didn't know them or of their love. It was harder than he imagined talking about him without revealing his gender. He didn't want to refer to him as a girl so he just called him K. For her part, Judy just nodded along while he talked.

"That must be hard; it probably doesn't help when random girls come over to talk you up." At Blaine's raised eyebrow she laughed, "not me, I've see the other girls fawning over you, even heard them trying to think of ways to steal you away from your mysterious sweetheart. I'm not here to hit on you; I just thought you looked like you needed a friend."

Blaine couldn't help the small smile, "Yeah, I think I would like that."

They sat out on the quad talking. Judy didn't ask any more questions about K and Blaine offered no more information. It was nice talking to someone again, and not just exchange pleasantries. It wasn't too long though before Judy began shivering enough for Blaine to notice. "You are freezing; do you want to take this conversation inside?" She nodded gratefully. "Your room or mine?" Blaine asked.

"And even if it wasn't clear before that you paid no attention to those girls before it is now, K sure is lucky. We aren't allowed in each other's dorm rooms only in the common rooms. It's the colleges own personal form of birth control."

"Damn, I don't feel up to crowds and our common room is always full. What about yours" Blaine asked.

"The same, I do know one place, but I don't think you'll be allowed your guitar." She told him.

She waited downstairs while Blaine checked his mailbox (empty) and ran his guitar up to his room. He them followed her to the library where they spent the next few hours talking like old friends. Judy was nice; she knew when to prod for more answers and when to leave a subject alone. That night, back in his dorm, Blaine wrote to Kurt telling him all about his new friend.

From that day forward, Judy would be waiting in the common room of Clark Hall whenever Blaine got out of class, since his classes ran later. She would greet him and walk with him as he checked his mail, before they would head out to one of the study rooms in the library. Sometimes they would sit together as they did their work, others they would sit and talk. She was very understanding too. Only three days after meeting and beginning their weird new ritual, Kurt's newest letter came. Seeing the familiar army issue envelope sitting in his box, Blaine's face broke into an excited smile. Seeing his reaction, Judy seemed to know what the letter was.

"It looks like you have more important things to take care of today than keeping me company." She said. Blaine wanted to protest, but this was Kurt, whom he hadn't heard from in a week. He yearned to run up to his room and savor the letter, memorize every stroke before replying, but he felt as if he was abandoning the only friend the school had yet to offer him. He opened his mouths to say something, though he wasn't sure what it would be when Judy clamped her hand over it. "No, from that goofy look on your face, I think it is safe to assume that it is from K, so you go and read that letter. Tell K that I hope we get to meet one day soon. I'll see you tomorrow."

When Blaine did reply to Kurt letter, he made sure to pass along Judy's message, though he knew that most likely a meeting wouldn't happen for a while if ever. While Blaine didn't want to hide who he was anymore, he wasn't sure if Judy would be do understanding if she knew that k was actually Kurt. He hoped but couldn't be sure. The evening was spent writing to Kurt, so the next day, Blaine had even more work to do. To his surprise, Judy didn't ask any questions about his letter, just allowed them to work in silence.

Judy was a welcome distraction from the constant worry Blaine felt. When he was alone, his thoughts would always turn to Kurt's fate without fail. It wasn't that Blaine wanted to stop thinking about Kurt; he just wanted to focus on the positive. That was easier while talking to Judy. He could only focus on the positive, since talking to Judy about him meant leaving out some very important details: his being drafted into the army and his gender. They talked about Kurt's art, Blaine showing off his guitar and bringing down the painted glass and a sketch Kurt had done of him one evening in the loft. He shared his feelings, and the loss he felt with Kurt away. Blaine was always careful to talk around the fact that Kurt was a boy, never using pronouns mainly sticking to his name and terms of endearments.

They spoke of other things, their classes, music, movies, television shows. She laughed at Blaine's lack of knowledge of anything that came out in the last several months. They talked current events. He learned about the things that he had missed while sheltered from the world at the farm. Both the grisly, like the murder of Sharon Tate along with her unborn child and the continued hunt for the killer; and the grand, like the massive free concert in New York. Judy gave great detail about Woodstock, the music, and the people. She was visiting he cousin in New York and they had all piled in a car to make the trek there. Blaine listened with rapt attention as she described in detail every moment she could remember. Blaine wished he could have been there, dancing in the mud and rain with Kurt by his side. Maybe if they would have left sooner, they could have been there. He thought of them listening to Jimi Hendrix play live, and listening to many of the musicians he loved up there on stage. He imagined begin wrapped up in Kurt arms as music played all around them, the crowd lost in their own world and unmindful of the two lovers. The scenes played out in his mind as Judy spoke, he could see them there alongside her being part of history in the making. Blaine felt a pang at the thought, but tried to push it away as Judy rambled on. The thought came back at him as he sat to write another note to Kurt. He relayed all that Judy had told him, yearning for what might have been in each word.

It didn't take them long to begin talking politics, though in hushed tones. They spoke quietly about their opposition to the war and the draft. Judy didn't expound on her reasons so Blaine kept his to himself as well. All the same, they talked about the changes that needed to be made. They both lamented the fact they could not march in Washington at the protest that took place November 15th, wanting their voiced to be heard against the war.

It didn't take long in their friendship for Judy to notice Blaine's bizarre eating habits. After only their second meal together, she mentioned it.

"So, Blaine, what's with the food anyway?" she asked pointing to his plate of mashed potatoes, green beans and carrots.

"K doesn't eat meat, and after hearing the reasons, I gave it up too." He said simply before explaining Kurt's reasoning. She seemed to understand, and while she still enjoyed her hamburger, she didn't give him any grief from then on about it.

Judy made Kent State more bearable, made it less lonely, and made the time pass quicker. Blaine still waited with bated breath for Kurt's next letter, but she offered a nice distraction for a few hours a day at least.

On November 14th, Blaine was returning to Clark Hall, knowing Judy would be waiting there for him, instead of driving to Washington to protest like they wanted to. However, Judy wasn't the only thing waiting there; a letter lay in his mailbox like so many before. Blaine snatched it up in anticipation, already giving Judy and apologetic smile.

Judy laughed at the face Blaine was making, "Okay lover boy, go read your letter. I know where I stand in your life." She joked, giving him a hug before heading to her own dorm for the evening. Blaine was still laughing when he opened the door to his room and tore the letter open. His laughter halted as he began to read the words written there.